Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

[Borntorun123]

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

Well there are 2-3 amazingly selfless people on this thread 🙄
Maybe you could set up a travel company - doing all the research of course and paying for sundries.

People have limited AL and it’s perfectly reasonable to spend it as you wish.

Its completely differently to helping family members - but you know that.

I can go on holiday with family members who have mobility issues, and have no issues with it.

However, if I were to go on holiday with a friend who had mobility issues, I'd probably only go on one a year.

Your friend needs to be checking what the paths are like too, it's not just on you, unless she can't use the internet?

It might just be easier to go on an all inclusive holiday in a hotel Infront of the beach. This might resolve it all? Especially if you are already forking out more money due to taxis.

It might just be easier to go on an all inclusive holiday in a hotel Infront of the beach. This might resolve it all? Especially if you are already forking out more money due to taxis.

OP said she does budget holidays so is probably unlikely to want an all-inclusive beach holiday.

Anyway, sounds like it’s all sorted now.

Haven't read the whole thread so sorry if I've missed any major updates. Just want to add my thoughts as a wheelchair user myself. Your friend is taking the piss. Yes sometimes you have to rely on other people for help, but that doesn't absolve you of all responsibility for yourself.

Why are you the one doing all the research and organising before the holiday? She's the one who knows what she can and can't manage, that should be on her.

Also, scooter and wheelchair technology has come a long way in recent years. If she can't afford to buy a folding scooter or electric wheelchair you can rent them from shopmobility to take on holiday (or at least you used to be able to, I've owned my own for a while now so apologies if that has changed). You shouldn't have to be pushing her everywhere.

She absolutely should be giving you money towards the shopping and things like that too. I'd be embarrassed to have someone paying for me all the time. I often ask friends to go to the bar for me when we're out because I can't stand up for long, and then can't carry the drinks because I have to walk with two sticks. More often than not this results in them saying they'll just buy my drink and I have to insist that I pay because I am dependent on other people to do the carrying and I'd end up feeling like I couldn't ask anyone if I wasn't paying.

If you're thinking you'd manage another holiday with this friend, tell her she has to do the research. You could phrase it that you found it really stressful trying to make sure it's right for her, whereas she knows her own situation so much better than you do. If she pushes back on that then you have to be firm. You are not her carer, and she needs to take responsibility for herself.

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine the friend only used a wheelchair in the airport.

What does it matter? It’s not a holiday the OP wishes to do and she’s under no obligation to go.

You do realise there are many degrees of disabled.

@BlueLimeRun she is under no obligation to go on holiday with anyone. But she was not the friends carer either.

You can be friends with whoever you choose to be friends with. You can go on holiday with whoever you choose to. That doesn’t mean you have to if you’re not getting anything from the experience. Everyone gets a choice in life.

I hadn't picked up on that, thanks. I expect she'd use it a lot more if she'd agree to go anywhere and do anything on holiday.

Does it occur to you that some of us are speaking from the experience of being our parents’ carers and this is why we were saying “Don’t do it, OP”?

Well done for saying no, OP! She really does expect her friends to be her PAs.

This. You have been kind, don’t be a mug.

If she can use a computer for social media she can certainly use it for research and booking holidays. You're being guilt-tripped.

@BombBiggleton The OP is over dramatic. She has not been a carer. She booked a holiday in a resort, does not take much research. The friend does not use a wheelchair usually do only research around that is book a hotel with a lift.
She pushed a borrowed wheelchair through the airport - she did not need to, disability assistance at airport will do that. And she went to shops to buy snacks. That is it. That is not being a carer.

You aren't obliged to arrange breaks to suit your friend and go on them with her - especially as they aren't really a break for you but a bit of a burden, both in the arranging and the outcome. However, I can see that it is a difficult situation for you as you don't want to disappoint or upset your friend.

As others have said, just tell her you have already made arrangements for your next two breaks, and that is your quota for this year. If you feel willing and able to go for a weekend/long weekend next year, or even a day trip, perhaps you could suggest that.

There are holidays organised especially for people with mobility problems - couldn't your friend could try that? She might even find that a group like that would be helpful in finding ways to overcome issues.

@PorridgeEater that is for people with severe problems. The friend can walk, just not long distances, so uses taxis.
Those for people with disabilities offer carers to help with washing and dressing and other basic help. Since OP did not have to do this it sounds like the friend can do all of this.

@NoisySnail have you read OP's latest updates? You're minimising what this friend expects OP and others to do for her.

@Catsmere Yes I have. All the OP added is that she did book travel assistance at the airport but struggled to keep up with the staff member while she carried bags. That she had to push her friend in a wheelchair as the travel assistance desk was a long way - would be interested to know which airport as they are normally just inside the entrance and they would normally send a member of staff if you need this extra help. And that the friend can not use computers so relied on her to book the trip.

OP does not have to go on holiday with anyone she does not want to. But those saying the friend needs a specialist disabled holiday or a carer on holiday are totally wrong. We have travelled with airport assistance and there are fellow passengers receiving assistance who are holidaying alone. Obviously the type of holiday you can have is affected, which is why the friend pays for taxis to places.

Loads of people travel abroad every year who can not walk that far. Very few would use a disabled holiday company because these are set up for people who need help to wash, dress, etc. The exception is disabled people who want to do very adventurous activities but need some extra support. For example canoeing down the amazon, but need extra help getting into a canoe and can not squat for the toilet or lie on beds at ground level. People simply unable to walk far may use a specialist disabled company for this type of holiday as ordinary adventurous companies assume you are totally fit and mobile. I know because my DH is disabled and we are considering this option for an adventurous holiday.

You don't know how much research it took to find the right place - certainly more than the friend was willing to do, i.e. nothing. The OP's OP makes plain the detail required. She split costs on a taxi she would otherwise not have taken. She footed the bill for purchases.

In one way you're right, as a real carer would not have had to do this, they would have been paid.

@echt not being assertive over the finances is an issue for the OP. But it does not make her a carer.

I'm talking about the more recent updates and what friend expects from the other person she requires to do all the organising for her next time. Fortunately OP has already told her it won't be happening.

It does make her friend a CF, though.