Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

[Borntorun123]

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

Why are you insulting me? I absolutely am very aware and tolerant of the many challenges those with disabilities face. Trying to live normal lives and go on holiday being one of said challenges.

I'm not at all tolerant of able bodied folk complaining about how it impacts them though.

For the purposes of attacking and humiliating the OP as lacking compassion:the friend is totally disabled and vulnerable—absolutely stranded, isolated, financially vulnerable, and unable to arrange anything or travel independently.

For the purposes of undermining the Op and, again, attacking and humiliating as a bitchy show off: her the friend is only lightly mobility impaired and needed nothing more done for her than any other person on holiday so all accommodations and acts contrary to her own holiday wishes were (supposedly) exaggerated by OP.

Is that clear? Its schroedinger’s cheeky friend: neither dependent nor independent.

It does sound as the friend needs to be 'taken' on holiday the way her parents used to - that may not be heavy duty care but it's still a commitment. It's also worrying that the friend comments on 'failures' but won't arrange a holiday herself. I do feel sorry for her but there's a danger of greater hurt later on if a line isn't drawn now.

I don't think that people are "attacking or humiliating" OP and almost everyone thinks that if she doesn't want to go on holiday with the friend, she is absolutely entitled not to. For me the bad attitude is more from other posters. While I think the holiday was certainly quite restricted and OP is entitled to not like that type of holiday, the idea that the OP was a carer and saint just because she went on holiday with someone who can't walk very far is ridiculous. Disabled people are not burdens and their friends family are not automatically carers.

She might only have used one in the airport but really if she's not fit to walk round an airport then it's indicative that she's not fit to wander round tourist attractions either.

Op felt the holiday was limited by the friends mobility issues.

Why on earth wouldn't the friend use a wheelchair to see more places?

She had a few additional requirements for me to research regarding facilities this time., mostly to do with things which weren’t so great last time.

This is CF territory. She really does see you as her secretary.

She can be both a good friend and enjoyable company in general, yet also still be an unsuitable regular travelling companion for you.

The pro Ozp/choice faction has not asserted the OP was a saint. While some think she was asked to do more care like/attendant activities than she wanted that is a perfectly fair reading if the situation. The word “carer” seems to be a bit of a hot button issue for some posters but its not a term of art like Doctor or Pilot—there can be many gradations of the term.

The OP has in fact been roundly excoriated—as have the rest of us—for lacking compassion and being unkind for being unwilling to spend (even if only in imagination) a scarce holiday tied to the friends limited needs and choices.

I stand by my comment.

Lots of people can't move at the speed sometimes required in airports. Doesn’t mean they cannot move around tourist attractions, albeit more slowly. Regardless, OP could probably have gone to see things by herself.

The really sad thig about this thread is that it contains so many of the attitudes that you dread your friends thinking about you when you become disabled- that you're boring, needy, that you need a 'carer', that you exist mainly to slow other people down or restrict them. And god forbid you're not anything less than 100% positive or demeaningly grateful.
It is possible to be disabled and have friends who enjoys your company and want to go places with you.

*She might only have used one in the airport but really if she's not fit to walk round an airport then it's indicative that she's not fit to wander round tourist attractions either.

Op felt the holiday was limited by the friends mobility issues.* Why on earth wouldn't the friend use a wheelchair to see more places?

I do get this - my Dad had COPD and while there was nothing wrong with his mobility per se, he couldn't hurry or walk up steep steps or inclines. In later years my parents would book ground floor hotel rooms & assistance at the airport. This meant they were still able to be active and got around a lot of European resorts by using local buses.

I don't think OP's friend wanted to be active though - and they had different expectations of what to do on holiday.

I'm one of the 4%, but only just, as I can also see your POV, and I do think your friend is being a bit of a CF. She needs to learn to use a computer for her own long-term independence (online shopping etc), so not only is foisting all the organising onto you isn't fair of her, it's also very shortsighted.

Also, if she has mobility problems, she needs to do what she can to minimise their impact eg using a wheelchair more (which should also make the holiday more fun for her), and make sure she isn't expecting you to pick up more than your fair share of the costs because you're the one who can nip to the shops.

In fact, the more I think about this, the more I think that the issue was less her disability itself than her attitude, which is that you should arrange everything, run about on her behalf, spend your money on her behalf and then revise your approach to organise a better trip for her next time. She seems to have very little self-awareness.

You've said you've tried to have a conversation with her... Could you perhaps explain what the issues her and say you'd be willing to go away with her again in a year if SHE can plan and book the trip, and that a couple of other issues are sorted out?

I do see some of this in the thread, especially the comments about OP being her friend’s “carer” which seem pretty naive about what carers actually do. But a lot of it is stuff that would annoy people whether or not the friend was disabled.

Letting OP pay for all the little things and never offering to reimburse and doing none of the planning and then complaining about the things OP didn’t get quite right. These all by themselves would grate for most people.

Being disabled doesn’t make you any of the things you mention, but some disabled people, just like able bodied people, are some of those things. And going on holiday with a friend tests a lot of relationships.

OP obviously does want a more active holiday than her friend is capable of (though there’s been some advice for making it easier to go further if they went again) and that’s something that is directly impacted by the friend’s mobility issues. But you equally hear people complaining about friends who like holidays where they do the same thing each day or only want to go to the restaurant that does chicken and chips or to the pool and not explore the town, etc.

What I’m trying to say is - don’t take it to heart too much. The focus seems to be on the disability. But almost all of the issues OP had are actually about the friend’s attitude to things and incompatibility you could get with any pair of friends holidaying.

Money stuff and shopping thats easily solved use a kitty, all food, all bar bills should come out the kitty.

People are definitely underestimating what carers do - I'd assume the friend is fairly independent and doesn't need help getting dressed or getting to the toilet.

As for the take a carer on holiday chants really who can afford to take an employed carer on holiday?

The really sad thig about this thread is that it contains so many of the attitudes that you dread your friends thinking about you when you become disabled- that you're boring, needy, that you need a 'carer',

My mum has mobility issues and needs help with a few basic daily tasks.

I go on holiday with her, 3-5 days of my precious time off - I work FT and have DC.

Now, it's my mum so slightly different to OP... but mum usually plans the holiday, she'll pay for my flights or for the accommodation. I get 1-2 days to myself so I can do the things that she isn't able to join in with.
I think it's a fair arrangement.

She doesn't expect me to run around for her, we go shopping/ do errands together. Of course it's quicker & easier for me to pop to the shops ect but equally my mum likes to have some independence so we'll take the time.

I gess what I am saying is, sometimes both parties have to compromise in order to make things work.

OP'S friend does sound like a CF and I am glad that there won't be any more holidays for them.

I agree that the problem is mainly that OP and her friend aren't compatible and that a lot of the problems are perhaps around the friend not paying her share. However, it is the OP herself who has focussed on the disability and so have many other posters. Calling OP a carer simply because she booked what doesn't sound like a complicated holiday or for shopping for one or two things even though OP would probably have need to go to shops for herself anyway. Also, blaming the friend for the fact that the holiday was restricted even though that is not her fault and suggestions that she should pay for holiday companions because she gets PIP (as if that makes you really rich).

It is fairly typical of a lot of posts on here about disabled people. For example, I have seen threads where partners of disabled people are pretty much considered heros even they don't in reality do any caring and if their behaviour is quite abusive.

She might not own one, they aren’t cheap (unless it was one the op had to push, and I don’t think she would have been any happier with that).

Also accessibility is often really shit- I frequently have to sit in my chair and wait for my family at tourist attractions for one reason or another, so it probably wouldn’t have helped much in terms of doing the sites together.

However, it is the OP herself who has focussed on the disability and so have many other posters.

I agree.

If the issue isn’t related to the friend’s disability being inconvenient to the op then there wouldn’t have been a need to mention it.

It would have said-

“my friend expected me to plan everything, complained about what I planned and didn’t pay her way”

The above is unreasonable by anyone’s standards- but being limited by disability and hoping to still take part in friendships and holidays etc isn’t.

I'll agree they aren't cheap, but surely if a chair would improve your quality of life you'd skip a holiday and save for a chair?

I am thinking UK cities which are well adapted to wheelchair use but there might be odd bits of old castles and cathedrals etc where they haven't been able to get disable access in.

And she's not completely wheelchair relant so she could access 70% in the chair and walk the other 30% which means they both get to see places.

It’s pointless to speculate really, we don’t know enough about her finances or disability to know what would work for her.

Are you a wheelchair user? I only ask be it isn’t my experience that uk cities are well adapted for wheelchairs- I’ve lived in several and visited many and they are all a ballache one way or another!

Maybe a wheelchair wouldn't improve the quality of her life if she can get around in the UK via car and limited walking. It's up to her to decide anyway, not people who don't know her and have never been in a wheelchair themselves.

I am very mobility restricted like your friend and am always very conscious of the risk of holding other companions back. It is dreadfully upsetting to feel one’s very existence / presence spoils things for others! The first step is to communicate very thoroughly and honestly and (a) try to choose a holiday / type of holiday / location that will suit all parties and (b) sort out in advance about money and paying for things. To try to avoid problems and/ or compensate for any frustrations, I do all possible research and planning, also I pay in full for any extra transport or other costs incurred by my disabilities. I make it very clear to companions that I am happy for them to go off and do their own thing at various times and to leave me behind, hopefully comfortably ensconced with a book and a nice glass of something…
If my friend(s) chose not to holiday with me again I would understand of course. But I’d be sad. Those of you who’ve suggested OP’s friend just ‘getting a carer’ are callous and also very ignorant about how difficult, expensive and unsatisfactory that would be.
Chumming your friend once a year sounds plenty for a foreign trip, especially involving air travel etc. which is an absolute pain. But maybe a shorter break somewhere in this country could be considered?. If you’re still not keen, it could be that you are really just not compatible ‘holiday friends’ i.e. you don’t really enjoy /want to do the same things - and that’s quite common . Just say ‘No, sorry, can’t manage that at the moment.’

@scotvic it's not the holding others back that's the problem, it's the lack of consideration for others. The OP's friend seemed to be unaware of how she was restricting OP and was putting on her. Like you say you do, she should have organised things herself, including anything she's unable to do like shopping/ walking/ travelling.

See, it’s this attitude that disabled people should always be bending over backwards and giving 110% in order not to ‘hold back’ the able bodied people around them that gets wearing after a while.

It’s like we’re expected to always be trying to make it up to able bodied people for being less than, an inconvenience or a burden. Or even just less ideal than others.

I agree. My DH is disabled. We do things together and I do things by myself. No one was making OP lie on the beach all day. She could easily have said I will join you in the beach ion the morning then after lunch I am going a long hike.
Honestly OP seems incredibly wet and then is blaming her friend for this.