Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

[Borntorun123]

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

Yanbu to say no to a second holiday of this kind within a year or even 18 months. It's ok to say no and to make a counter-suggestion for when you would be happy to do it again e.g Autumn 2025. You don't owe her this. It's ok to say you have various other plans for places to go/people to go with and much as you love her It's too soon for you to go with her again this year. Arrange some nice days out together locally in the neantime.

Does it occur to you that some of us are speaking from the experience of being our parents carers or having disabled friends who we happily support?

That is why we are saying there is help in airports with wheelchairs, when booking travel agents are very knowledgeable regarding accessible facilities (no need for extensive 'research') and finally, none of are perfect we may at any time need people who allegedly like us to step up a bit. The op doesn't feel able to and that is fine. Her choice <as many have said>, but let's stop pretending it is 'incompatible travel pals' and rather one can't/won't support another with mobility issues as it spoils her fun.

@Janiie "step up"? "Won't support "? No one is obligated to look after someone else all holiday without pay or as much as a thank you. If the friend can't even walk the length of an airport without needing a wheelchair it sounds like she needs to use one more often. I'm interested in why she can't even go shopping with the OP, how does she usually manage? And if she can't research herself to find holidays to suit her needs, because she's unable to or just can't be bothered? Need some more details. Finally, she apparently receives PIP which is for disabled people, for pp's arguing whether she has a disability.

Depends what type of friendship you have. I guess if you are asking here, then maybe not a strong one.

Did a City break once with a friend who was immobile following a crash, we had the most ace time, and people were so helpful getting the wheelchair on and off buses etc. Got great tables in restaurants due to needing extra space and generally enjoyed ourselves. Yes we did get stuck a few times, but we had a good laugh about it.

Unfortunately neither of us is able to repeat the trip, but I would if we could.

Holiday on your own if that's what you want, but if you want to keep your friendship, include her in your trips too.

"Spoils her fun" it meant she hardly had a holiday, you're minimising it. Plus friend was all set to expect more of the same in a very short time.

You might like doing it but others don't, never volunteered for it, and shouldn't be guilted by anyone for that.

She actually had the same kind of holiday as the less mobile friend and unlike the friend she only had to deal with the restrictions for one week and doesn't have to again if she doesn't want to. If you think it is a terrible hardship to have a restricted holiday once in your life what do you think life is like for disabled people in general. I'm not suggesting OP goes on holiday with her friend again but the lack of empathy and nastiness towards disabled people on this thread is awful.

People often use wheelchairs in airports but not the rest of the time partly because it is free and the airport employs people to push them but also because you sometimes have to move at speed. When I broke my leg I was advised to use one as although I could move the distance with crutches I wasn't that fast and the steps up to the plane were also difficult.

I agree. It is quite laughable that some posters think booking a hotel by a beach and buying a few things in a shop (when she was probably going anyway) is being a carer.

She did all the shopping because friend wasn't able to. What would you call it then?

Great, so we’ve established then that the friend doesn’t need OP and OP can happily book future holidays for herself and not feel obliged to go with friend anywhere.

Or maybe the friend is just a bore?

OP has been very tactful and diplomatic but it really does sound like the holiday was boring.

the type of holiday the op wants - which sounds like it would cost around £350 per time (as says £1k for a cruise is her budget for the year and she goes on 3-4 trips a year)

Is not compatable with a lovely, all inclusive, loads of flat surfaces, private beach, many restaurant options, type holiday.

And i'd feel very awkward saying to a friend - we are only getting taxis due to YOU, i'd walk the mile, so YOU pay 100%. i mean no one would really want to do that.

*Or maybe the friend is just a bore?

OP has been very tactful and diplomatic but it really does sound like the holiday was boring.*

I think this is probably the truth. OP wants an active holiday and felt restricted by her friend. It's not so much the disability, which as others have said can be accommodated with planning, it's about wanting different things from holidays.

I'm glad you had the conversation. You're much more direct than me and I hate this kind of thing.
Holidays with friends are so much more intense than spending even a weekend together and I crave space or at least people who know me very well such as my family to understand why I wouldn't like certain things. I hate sunbathing for example but can cope with a few hours then want a change.
I don't have enough money or annual leave or energy to support a holiday I wouldn't enjoy and I think you are great for going and doing ALL the grunt work. I see the lack of IT literacy almost like the lack of folks who don't drive to empathise with those who do or "get" what's involved and therefore appreciate the effort needed.

"[Holidays] for people with disabilities offer carers to help with washing and dressing and other basic help." It doesn't have to be as extreme as that - there could also be holidays which offer some support with mobility but not necessarily all the washing and dressing (the sort of thing my parents used to do).
I've often been on holiday with someone who needs care - I'm glad to do it and have planned the next one but it isn't entirely a holiday! It's good also to have a balance when you're not having to plan around someone else's needs.

It's not toward disabled people, plural. It's toward this particular person who was a CF toward OP.

You don't need to preach to me about disability's effects. I have spent seven years as my mother's carer after she had a stroke, and I have disabilities developing myself.

Totally agree with you.

There's a cohort on this thread that are not interested in any other views than their own and they'll carry on until the thread dies. Talking about husbands is just so irrelevant, it's comparing completely different relationships.

I read OP's first post without any preconceptions. To me it sounds as if OP is a good friend who took on several tasks and didn't mind. It's the request for a repeat of the holiday that has made her stop and recollect that actually, the holiday from HER point of view, wasn't what she wanted or would want to repeat.

If you remove the disability completely then it's still clearly a mis-match of expectations and compatibility about the holiday. If I would go on holiday with a friend then that would be from the perspective of mutual compatibility with activities, cost-sharing, meals, transport, and anything else. If we didn't have that then a conversation would be needed - and not everybody wants to have that. Why should they? They're on holiday.

It's such a joy to carefree to be able to decide things on the day and be of the same mind about most or even some of it, without having to think about it.

OP has been kind to her friend and all the spiteful putting down from some on this thread doesn't detract from that. OP has had a chat with her friend now and there isn't to be a repeat of this holiday and I don't blame her one bit. I don't though take from that that OP doesn't care about or want to meet up with her friend because that's not what she's said. Not at all.

'Or maybe the friend is just a bore?'

'OP has been very tactful and diplomatic but it really does sound like the holiday was boring.'

Oh yes, we've established the op found the whole thing a terrible bore! She has every right to be bored by limitations in place by those less mobile. She has every right <how many times have we heard it> to say no to a other trip, just own it and stop blaming the other poor person.

Much of the attitude towards this person is due to attitudes towards disabled people in general e.g. that they are a burden, that anyone who spends time with them is essentially a carer and doing them a massive favour and/or should be paid for it. The only thing that I would describe as CF as not paying for half the costs. The rest could just be lack of communication. e.g. maybe the friend thought that by booking the holiday OP would choose something she likes. Some people do just go to one beach and eat in one place on holiday and booking that type of holiday is not much effort.

She's not blaming her. You have very black and white thinking. She just doesn't want to go on holiday with her again and wanted to sense check if that was reasonable. Which it is.

Society loves to shame women into putting themselves last and I'm glad OP isn't doing that here.

'There's a cohort on this thread that are not interested in any other views than their own and they'll carry on until the thread dies. '

Hmm, a bit pot and kettle there. We all feel strongly and that is fine. We're allowed to debate and disagree. There's no right or wrong but when we are talking about disability and wheelchairs compassion should be evident. Less talk about 'the paid lounger' on the one boring beach and more about the good bits would have been nice

Yes, there is right or wrong and trying to guilt trip the OP into going on holiday with her friend again is wrong.

'Much of the attitude towards this person is due to attitudes towards disabled people in general e.g. that they are a burden, that anyone who spends time with them is essentially a carer and doing them a massive favour and/or should be paid for it. The only thing that I would describe as CF as not paying for half the costs. The rest could just be lack of communication. e.g. maybe the friend thought that by booking the holiday OP would choose something she likes. Some people do just go to one beach and eat in one place on holiday and booking that type of holiday is not much effort.'

This. Some of you need to develop some tolerance and awareness.

<disclaimer yes the op is absolutely entitled to not go on holiday with her disabled 'friend' ever again>.

I don't think anyone can accuse you of having tolerance and awareness.