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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend wants to start using condoms again

183 replies

Throwmealemon · 19/04/2024 18:46

My boyfriend of 4 years and use the rhythm method for contraception and he pulls out (very controlled and never had an accident) We are in our late 30’s and don’t want children.

This has been going brilliantly until during our last intimate moment, he stopped mid session and said he feel uncomfortable with our contraception method and thinks we should use condoms going forward. His reasoning is incase I were to get pregnant and have to go through a termination and he doesn’t want that.

It came so out of the blue and left me quite confused to the sudden turn around. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/04/2024 07:31

BeachBeerBbq · 20/04/2024 05:24

I am a woman who absolutely doesn't want children. I still don't get strlerilised because I don't want unnecessary surgery even if it's a small surgery nowadays.
We have shedload of other options. I am not keeping open options. I just don't want scalpel near me and risk issues unless necessary🤷
People here act like vasectomy has no risks at all

Fair point.

Flopsy145 · 20/04/2024 07:33

For him it might be more enjoyable to "complete" without pulling out first so using a condom is the way to do that without risking pregnancy. I think good on him for trying to take into account the risk and find a better solution that maybe allows him to enjoy it more

Bornonsunday · 20/04/2024 07:50

Greywitch2 · 19/04/2024 19:02

Withdrawal apparently has a 78% success rate as a method of contraception.

Yeah. No thanks. That basically means every 1 in 4 times you have sex you risk getting pregnant. Pretty high odds if you DON'T want a baby.

It is playing Russian Roulette with your lives and is frankly silly if you know you don't want to be parents.

You're understanding the stats wrong. The stats are to do with using this method for a whole year, 85%-98% of couples using condoms for a year don't get pregnant.

Used properly condoms are very effective - the high failure rate is to do with not using them properly.

PietariKontio · 20/04/2024 07:51

I know that there are plenty of reasons to be suspicious of men, especially if you read many of the threads on here, but come on, it must take some mental gymnastics to construe his actions as being weird or dodgy, without any more info than we have.

*It's not weird that neither of them wants surgery to prevent pregnancy, and they prefer to use other means to prevent it.

*They have chosen probably the least effective one, but a poor decision doesn't necessarily indicate a lack of commitment.

*It's not weird that he got to the point in the middle of sex to raise it - when else would it be more in the forefront of his mind? Especially as 1) he'd be actively thinking about what he needs to be doing to keep things safe, and 2) presumably this was a joint decision between them and he's been thinking about how to raise it - it didn't just pop into his head in the moment.

Yes, any of us could think of a hundred scenarios where his intentions might be dodgy, but there's literally no evidence for any of them. Indeed, I could invent a story where he's found out that the OP might be cheating and is worried about catching something from her. Horrible, with absolutely no evidence to think it, right? Yep, but no less likely from the info we have.

The absolute most likely truth is that it's been on his mind for a while, based on the weakness in their current method, and it's "come to a head" during sex and he's finally got to the point of mentioning it. He's suggested an alternative, taking responsibility, and should be somewhat respected for that.

RampantIvy · 20/04/2024 08:16

I had fertility issues and got pregnant at 41.

BreedingHeifer · 20/04/2024 08:17

Let me offer you some perspective. A relative of mine uses the rhythm method for religious reasons. They have eight children, five of whom are 'accidents'.

Your boyfriend is being sensible. You are really lucky not to have fallen pregnant by now.

Noyesnoyes · 20/04/2024 08:28

PietariKontio · 20/04/2024 07:51

I know that there are plenty of reasons to be suspicious of men, especially if you read many of the threads on here, but come on, it must take some mental gymnastics to construe his actions as being weird or dodgy, without any more info than we have.

*It's not weird that neither of them wants surgery to prevent pregnancy, and they prefer to use other means to prevent it.

*They have chosen probably the least effective one, but a poor decision doesn't necessarily indicate a lack of commitment.

*It's not weird that he got to the point in the middle of sex to raise it - when else would it be more in the forefront of his mind? Especially as 1) he'd be actively thinking about what he needs to be doing to keep things safe, and 2) presumably this was a joint decision between them and he's been thinking about how to raise it - it didn't just pop into his head in the moment.

Yes, any of us could think of a hundred scenarios where his intentions might be dodgy, but there's literally no evidence for any of them. Indeed, I could invent a story where he's found out that the OP might be cheating and is worried about catching something from her. Horrible, with absolutely no evidence to think it, right? Yep, but no less likely from the info we have.

The absolute most likely truth is that it's been on his mind for a while, based on the weakness in their current method, and it's "come to a head" during sex and he's finally got to the point of mentioning it. He's suggested an alternative, taking responsibility, and should be somewhat respected for that.

Absolutely this.

Phoebefail · 20/04/2024 08:59

Monitor the mucus?
Are we into retro contraception now? Knicker Gazing - Last quoted 1975.

Lupuswarriors · 20/04/2024 09:16

Do you think you can only get pregnant when he ejaculated at the end? Think you need abit of education from books or dr. Seen leaks thr whole time which means you can get pregnant anytime. You've just been lucky so far

Marchingonagain · 20/04/2024 09:27

Throwmealemon · 19/04/2024 19:04

This made me look up condom use and I’m shocked that with typical use, it’s only 87%!! Hormonal pill is 99% so probably a better bet actually.

I’m not sure rhythm method plus withdrawal is as unreliable as other posters make out. Withdrawal alone, quite possibly, but rhythm method used responsibly plus withdrawal is much safer than just ‘pulling out’. Obviously condoms on top, even more reliable!

Wellhellooooodear · 20/04/2024 09:31

🤣 LOL. Pulling out is not a method of contraception!

KimberleyClark · 20/04/2024 09:38

Only on Mumsnet can a man wanting to use a reliable form of contraception mean he’s cheating/commitment phobic.

ViscountessMelbourne · 20/04/2024 09:39

Phoebefail · 20/04/2024 08:59

Monitor the mucus?
Are we into retro contraception now? Knicker Gazing - Last quoted 1975.

I think you've not been paying attention for the last fifty years.

Fertility Awareness Method (or whatever name it's going by at the moment) has gone through waves of popularity for decades, nowadays often publicised by social media, or monetised in the form of apps or testing kits (with a modern "wellness" spin).

It's often had its accuracy seriously oversold to statistically naive punters, and as pp have pointed out it's asking for trouble as you approach perimenopause, but it's certainly not a thing of the past.

dontforgetme · 20/04/2024 09:40

My nearly 7 year old is a product of the pulling out method. It doesn't work op!

Good on him for wanting to be extra cautious I say!

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 20/04/2024 09:43

In terms of his timing…. I think he likely doesn’t want to pull out and concentrating on that may have been impacting on his enjoyment?

he is being sensible. I’d never rely on that method of contraception.

mickeymoist · 20/04/2024 09:51

Poor Bloke! 4 years of never finishing inside. Well never finishing.
Has OP never felt the vibration of a proper finish? She wont get that fully from condoms either.
Have they missed out all their lives so far?

Trulyme · 20/04/2024 10:04

I couldn’t think of anything worse than pulling out every time just at the best bit (and I’m not even a man).

Perhaps he wants to just have normal sex and not have to worry about pre-cum or accidentally getting too carried away and not pulling out quick enough.
He’s probably never fully relaxed and therefore never fully enjoyed the sex as much as he could have before.
So I don’t blame him at all.

He could also have friends who are getting pregnant and it’s made him realise how you’ve both been very lucky so far and it’s not worth the risk.

Sorry if I’ve missed it but why not go on the pill?
I did get pregnant on the pill so it’s not 100% but it’s still better than having to pull out or using condoms which are expensive.
The pill is not suitable for everyone though.

Trulyme · 20/04/2024 10:05

KimberleyClark · 20/04/2024 09:38

Only on Mumsnet can a man wanting to use a reliable form of contraception mean he’s cheating/commitment phobic.

I completely agree!

And if she got pregnant everyone would be saying he should have worn a condom.

Noyesnoyes · 20/04/2024 10:09

KimberleyClark · 20/04/2024 09:38

Only on Mumsnet can a man wanting to use a reliable form of contraception mean he’s cheating/commitment phobic.

Oh so true!

Man won't use condoms - LTB

Man want's to use condoms - he's cheating or got an STI - LTB

Mooshroo · 20/04/2024 10:18

I actually think your current method is more effective than condoms alone. To be extra safe maybe condoms and NFP combined instead of withdrawal/NFP.

Mayflower282 · 20/04/2024 10:26

He’s worried about passing STD’s onto you. I expect it only occurred to him whilst he was having sex with you. He’s having unprotected sex with someone else.

Solocup · 20/04/2024 10:48

Sounds like he grew up.

hobocock · 20/04/2024 10:55

You were daft for using that method in the first place.
Either he's decided he really doesn't want children at all and has woken up to the fact it's an unreliable method
or he's cheated and is worried he has caught an STD (or has caught one) and needs to wear condoms so that you don't catch it from him and find out he's a cheat.

Noyesnoyes · 20/04/2024 11:48

Mooshroo · 20/04/2024 10:18

I actually think your current method is more effective than condoms alone. To be extra safe maybe condoms and NFP combined instead of withdrawal/NFP.

How do you come to that idea?

Noyesnoyes · 20/04/2024 11:49

Mayflower282 · 20/04/2024 10:26

He’s worried about passing STD’s onto you. I expect it only occurred to him whilst he was having sex with you. He’s having unprotected sex with someone else.

Imagine living in that mind......

It must be exhausting.

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