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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend wants to start using condoms again

183 replies

Throwmealemon · 19/04/2024 18:46

My boyfriend of 4 years and use the rhythm method for contraception and he pulls out (very controlled and never had an accident) We are in our late 30’s and don’t want children.

This has been going brilliantly until during our last intimate moment, he stopped mid session and said he feel uncomfortable with our contraception method and thinks we should use condoms going forward. His reasoning is incase I were to get pregnant and have to go through a termination and he doesn’t want that.

It came so out of the blue and left me quite confused to the sudden turn around. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/04/2024 02:23

slore · 20/04/2024 01:41

Nah. Men don't want their "manhoods" tampered with .

Show quote history

I don't disagree. But, it also speaks to how he views the permanence of his relationship. How many times have we seen/been the one whose partner gets someone else pregnant and leaves, or leaves and goes on to another relationship then decided she's the one to have kids with?

Nat6999 · 20/04/2024 02:34

I got told my chances of conceiving were zero at 40, we had been trying ever since ds was born, I had all the tests & scans & was told my tubes were blocked. Split from my husband & got with new partner, got pregnant within 3 months, I sadly miscarried at 16 weeks, but it is possible.

calishire · 20/04/2024 02:36

I'm surprised how many people think the rhythm method isn't a valid form of contraception! There seems to be a lot of ignorance around it. I've used this method of contraception for over a decade and only been pregnant when had unprotected sex during ovulation. However, we always used condoms until my fertile window was over not the withdrawal method.

Cascais · 20/04/2024 02:39

Good for him

calishire · 20/04/2024 02:41

I should add... the rhythm method and withdrawal method are two different things!

Wokkadema · 20/04/2024 03:07

I'm stunned how many people are surprised OP's partner was worrying about how to prevent pregnancy during sex!!! If withdrawal is part of the current contraception plan it is literally his job to concentrate on not getting OP pregnant during sex. Between having to time pulling out, and just general worry that this may be the time the odds catch up with you both... I would definitely be all in my head and not enjoying sex or 'living in the moment', so it makes sense he's suggesting a way to make that better.

Surprisedbuthappy · 20/04/2024 03:34

Currently 6 months pregnant at 39 thanks to the withdrawal method! We knew we were taking a risk and open to a pregnancy, though I was absolutely certain it wouldn't happen without trying at my age. Your boyfriend is correct!

Noyesnoyes · 20/04/2024 05:24

YeahComeOnThen · 19/04/2024 19:03

For me the issue isn't that he wants to prevent a pregnancy but that he didn't discuss this prior to being intimate.

It smacks of A Reason that's not good news.

My mind would be thinking he's got someone else & not having to explain to her how you're pregnant when he doesn't have sex with you. Tricky to explain that one!

why won't he have a vasectomy if he's committed to you and neither of you want CG Olsen. Why is he keeping his options open?

Imagine living big with that level of suspicion about your partner!

Why doesn't Op get sterilised, she's sure she doesn't want a baby.

BeachBeerBbq · 20/04/2024 05:24

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/04/2024 01:18

Every time I hear about a guy not wanting children, but refusing a vasectomy, I always think he's keeping his options open.

I am a woman who absolutely doesn't want children. I still don't get strlerilised because I don't want unnecessary surgery even if it's a small surgery nowadays.
We have shedload of other options. I am not keeping open options. I just don't want scalpel near me and risk issues unless necessary🤷
People here act like vasectomy has no risks at all

Noyesnoyes · 20/04/2024 05:37

Justcount · 19/04/2024 21:48

I’ve got pregnant with a coil

I’ve got pregnant using the withdrawal method

I’ve never got pregnant using the rhythm method (5 years and counting). There’s some proper ignorant women on this thread.

Luck rather than the method I suspect!

StarlightLady · 20/04/2024 05:47

OP. YABD. You are being daft!

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 20/04/2024 05:56

Well if you do not want children you should be thankful he is being responsible but weird you did not discuss this before you were in the middle of sex.

renthead · 20/04/2024 05:57

There isn't much understanding of Natural Family Planning/rhythm method on MN, but your current contraception plan (charting temp, cervical mucus AND withdrawal) is very solid.

It's 91-99% effective according to the NHS: https://www.nhs.uk/contraception/methods-of-contraception/natural-family-planning/ And you're adding in withdrawal too.

I think it's unusual that someone would want to start using condoms suddenly after that long, and I'd want to delve more into why.

Noyesnoyes · 20/04/2024 05:59

renthead · 20/04/2024 05:57

There isn't much understanding of Natural Family Planning/rhythm method on MN, but your current contraception plan (charting temp, cervical mucus AND withdrawal) is very solid.

It's 91-99% effective according to the NHS: https://www.nhs.uk/contraception/methods-of-contraception/natural-family-planning/ And you're adding in withdrawal too.

I think it's unusual that someone would want to start using condoms suddenly after that long, and I'd want to delve more into why.

He's already explained why!

It's in the OP.

renthead · 20/04/2024 06:08

^He's already explained why!

It's in the OP.^

Well I guess, but bringing it up in the middle of sex is weird. And he doesn't want to have a vasectomy, which is also a little weird for someone who is adamant he doesn't want children.

Noyesnoyes · 20/04/2024 06:17

renthead · 20/04/2024 06:08

^He's already explained why!

It's in the OP.^

Well I guess, but bringing it up in the middle of sex is weird. And he doesn't want to have a vasectomy, which is also a little weird for someone who is adamant he doesn't want children.

It's weird for OP to not want children and she doesn't want to be sterilised!

So he's in the middle of sex and again concentrating on withdrawing, so not fully relaxed and it comes into his head, I can relax more if you used a condom and says it at that time? Hardly odd!

Come on you're trying to say he's a man so it must be first nefarious reasons he wants to improve the contraception, using one of very few methods available to a man.

Yet, OP has more choice and doesn't want children and that's fine for her to use none them.

Sone women on MN want to blame a man for everything, even taking more control over their own contraceptive choices.

Youhaveyourhandsfull · 20/04/2024 06:38

Greywitch2 · 19/04/2024 19:02

Withdrawal apparently has a 78% success rate as a method of contraception.

Yeah. No thanks. That basically means every 1 in 4 times you have sex you risk getting pregnant. Pretty high odds if you DON'T want a baby.

It is playing Russian Roulette with your lives and is frankly silly if you know you don't want to be parents.

That isn't what that means at all.

GreyTonkinese · 20/04/2024 06:48

Mention of the rhythm method always made my obstetrician smile. A couple of year later when I was trying to conceive I dutifully tracked my temperature which stayed completely steady, used two ovulator predictor kits to cover even remotely possible days when it might happen and was then scanned by a fertility specialist who pointed out that he could see the egg that was ready to go but had failed to launch. He confidently told me that I wasn't ovulating, had likely always had the problem and it had been a fluke I got pregnant in two weeks with my first. I got a positive pregnancy test two days later despite the missing egg. I was in my mid to late thirties at the time. Tracing my family tree showed a very strong history of twins which was probably not a coincidence. I think the obstetrician was absolutely right.

liveforsummer · 20/04/2024 07:05

Lots of posts on here by surprised women who thought this was a reliable method then found themselves pregnant. Then they'll argue that it had always worked for them - of course until it didn't! Good on your bf. It's only a suitable method if it wouldn't matter if you did end up pregnant

betterangels · 20/04/2024 07:14

If he doesn't want a child, he's being sensible to use an actual method of contraception.

Rtc12 · 20/04/2024 07:23

I got my son using that method, so I'd say he's being sensible 😂

MFF2010 · 20/04/2024 07:25

He's right, your chosen method has a higher failure rate than any other, it's amazing you've not fallen pregnant already. Condom's aren't 100% but they are better than withdrawal alone, good on him for taking responsibility. If you really don't want kids you should also take the pill.

Saymyname28 · 20/04/2024 07:27

He seems sensible. He's probably read or heard stories about accidental pregnancies. If you get pregnant he doesn't get a choice from that point, he can't force you to get a termination. So he's taking control and preventing a pregnancy he doesn't want rather than trusting you to take sole charge of his future.

MFF2010 · 20/04/2024 07:28

renthead · 20/04/2024 06:08

^He's already explained why!

It's in the OP.^

Well I guess, but bringing it up in the middle of sex is weird. And he doesn't want to have a vasectomy, which is also a little weird for someone who is adamant he doesn't want children.

It's not wierd at all, he may change his mind as he gets older so doesn't want a more permanent solution, he sounds sensible tbh

MiniCooperLover · 20/04/2024 07:29

I imagine he's a bit fed up of having to always pull out and not just be able to fully enjoy the moment (as it were)?