Trapped and don’t know what to do

[Patternsonthewater]

If someone could please give me some advice I’d be grateful, I’m feeling so lost.

Myself and my partner need to separate, he’s not the person I thought he was. There’s no abuse or anything of that sort but he hardly even speaks to me anymore and I feel so alone. We are not compatible in anyway and he’s admitted he doesn’t really feel the same for me now.
Now the problem:
We have a 5 year old son. We also have a joint mortgage (although we are not married).
We live 170 miles away from my family. His family are round the corner.
If we are to split up, I would really like to move back to where my parents are as I have nothing here. I have a couple of acquaintances but that’s all.

My problem is I don’t know how I can move back to them because of our son. His dad has made it very clear he would want 50/50 and to be fair he is a brilliant father. I can’t fault him on that.

So the options are very limited. Our son is also at school here, although I know moving schools isn’t a really big deal at this age.

As far as I can see it, I am destined to be here living away from my family indefinitely. As there are no other options that are viable.

1. I move back on my own and leave my DS here with his dad (not something I want to do, as then I’d hardly see him and I want to be a part of his life)

2. I move and take DS with me, away from his dad, which would then end in a court case/decision and I may not win that anyway.

3. Me and DP split up and I move out in this area on my own, we share childcare 50/50 but I continue to be far away from my support network and family.

I don’t think there are any other options, my parents won’t move here as they’re not in a position to.

If anyone can help and offer me guidance I’d be very grateful.

Would your partner realistically be able to commit to 50/50?
Do you have much in the way of savings to get somewhere new?
Wish I knew the answers..

@TooBusyGazingAtStarss

He’d make it work, he’s that sort of person. But yes, he definitely would. Our DS is his world. There’s no way he would settle for less than 50/50.

I have just over £3000 in savings, so no not really. And half the house is mine.

Wow this is a tough one. Out of all your options I would try to move closer to my parents and come what may. You'll need their support. Does it have to be a court case between the two of you if you move with ds? No chance of some kind of mediation to discuss options?

@GoawaySunrise What are the options? I brought it up to him and he said he wants to see him at least 50% of the time, he’s not backing down on that. That’s not realistic with 170 miles between us and how disruptive to our son’s life (DS is also suspected ASD/ADHD) so would possibly cause more issues than an NT child.

Personally, I would move nearer my family and work everything out after that.
You need support x

I think your only option is 3) split but stay in the area.

I know it's not ideal for you but it's what is best for your son as he'll get to see both of his parents 50/50

Any other situation and your son suffers.

Its the best option for me but I just feel terrible taking my son away from his dad, even if he doesn’t see him for half a day he’s asking where daddy is and when he’ll be back.

How do I explain to him as a 5 year old that I’m taking him out of his school, he won’t see his friends anymore and away from his dad to live in a whole new area?

I'm sorry but you don't. You don't make him live that life where he could have a relationship with his dad but you stopped it. This will backfire on you and your son

Create a support network where you live. Spend as much of the holidays as you can with family.

I would move back near your parents with your son.

Frame it as: up until now you have sacrificed being near your family, so that your partner could be near his.

Now it’s his turn. He can move to be near your family, it’s the only thing that’s fair.

I think the 3rd option is really the best one here. Keep close contact via facetime/phone calls with your family and friends but try and build up your relationships where you are. Do you work? What are your current childcare arrangements? I wouldn't just move and sort it out after, I had a family member who did that and lost custody because the judge believed it was better for the child to stay with their dad where they were already settled. (Same home/school/family and friends nearby). You don't have automatic right to custody purely based on being female, and you would be taking the risk that you would lose a custody battle, if you believe him to be a good dad and one who would fight to keep his kid.

I think you need to stay in your current area. You're on your own at the moment but only have one school aged child so you should be able to forge new connections or even meet a new partner. It will be tough for 6 months or so but you'll make a new life for yourself there.

I do see my parents every school holiday (we normally go to theirs, sometimes they come here but they have the bigger house).
But it’s not the same as having them nearby for support.

How old are you ? Would your parents be willing to move to your area ?

I’m 35 and no they don’t want to move. I’ve asked them that. They aren’t keen on this area and where they live is nearer to other family. It was my choice to move years ago for work and that’s when I met DP.

How long have you been in your current area? Do you work?

@sparkellie
I’ve been here nearly 10 years, I only work part time to fit around childcare. I did used to work full time when we bought this house etc. before we had our son.

If your parents or other family won't move to you, another option is all 3 of you moving to them. Have you suggested that to your DP?

Option 3 for me but I'm probably biased as I've never had much family support anyway. I'd try to make new friends in the area and having 50/50 would mean you get some free time to pursue your own interests. I'm a lone parent and I'd have found life far easier if my ex had been even slightly interested in DS! It will be better for your DS as well.

Would he be willing to consider moving closer to you?

Option 3 is the only option which puts your son first.

Options 1 or 2 are selfish and mean that your son loses out on growing up with one of his parents.

I think you need to focus on making relationships where you are now. I do understand the urge to move back home (I'm 2 and a half hours from my family), but it's not fair to uproot your son from his current life and a loving dad. Your ex has as much right to custody as you do, and if you belong he would fight for it there's no reason 50/50 wouldn't be awarded by a court.

It's a difficult situation but your DS needs to come first obviously so I wouldn't move him, especially as he's possibly not NT.
What I would do is build on a support network where you are.
DS is 5 so will soon be having play dates etc and you will meet people naturally then
You and DC can still go to your DPs during holidays and DP and DS could chat over FaceTime

@Patternsonthewater

This sounds very difficult and I don’t have any advice but did find this on Citizens Advice about separation. It’s for England so click on the other tabs is you are elsewhere.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/deciding-what-to-do-when-you-separate/

also worth going through various scenarios about what benefits you may be entitled to claim on Turn To Us benefits checker
https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

plus you can get half an hour’s free legal advice from a local solicitor free. Write down your questions so you get maximum information. Is DP named on DC’s birth certificate?

Good luck

I can't believe the people saying you should move back to be close to your parents- how would they feel if they separated from their partner and he moved over 100 miles away with their child?! OP, I'm afraid unless he will willingly move with you, you are restricted to staying where you are and building a life for yourself. I think if you built up some friendships, joined local groups etc you would improve things for yourself and feel more positive.

Option 3. if the cards were turned how would you feel if your ex moved away with your son?