Trapped and don’t know what to do

[Patternsonthewater]

If someone could please give me some advice I’d be grateful, I’m feeling so lost.

Myself and my partner need to separate, he’s not the person I thought he was. There’s no abuse or anything of that sort but he hardly even speaks to me anymore and I feel so alone. We are not compatible in anyway and he’s admitted he doesn’t really feel the same for me now.
Now the problem:
We have a 5 year old son. We also have a joint mortgage (although we are not married).
We live 170 miles away from my family. His family are round the corner.
If we are to split up, I would really like to move back to where my parents are as I have nothing here. I have a couple of acquaintances but that’s all.

My problem is I don’t know how I can move back to them because of our son. His dad has made it very clear he would want 50/50 and to be fair he is a brilliant father. I can’t fault him on that.

So the options are very limited. Our son is also at school here, although I know moving schools isn’t a really big deal at this age.

As far as I can see it, I am destined to be here living away from my family indefinitely. As there are no other options that are viable.

1. I move back on my own and leave my DS here with his dad (not something I want to do, as then I’d hardly see him and I want to be a part of his life)

2. I move and take DS with me, away from his dad, which would then end in a court case/decision and I may not win that anyway.

3. Me and DP split up and I move out in this area on my own, we share childcare 50/50 but I continue to be far away from my support network and family.

I don’t think there are any other options, my parents won’t move here as they’re not in a position to.

If anyone can help and offer me guidance I’d be very grateful.

This happened to a friend and she ended up with Option 3. Her parents eventually retired and moved to be closer to her. I think she would have preferred to live if she could but 50/50 custody made it impossible.

If I was male and someone tried to take my kids hundreds of miles away from me like this, I would pursue absolutely every avenue to stop you.

Can't believe so many are saying "move home". Outrageous.

The main avenue you'd have to pursue would be to be willing to look after the kids full-time as primary carer.

It's amazing how many men fall at that hurdle, in which case they really don't have a leg to stand on in terms of stopping their ex relocating.

However, it does sound from the OP that this might be one of the good ones who, regardless of the relationship breakdown, might not just be spouting empty words.

I would go for option 2 and deal with whatever happens next.

That's a terrible idea.

It won't get that far

Apart from being highly unfair on both the child and his father that would be really risky. If OP did do that and a court ordered her to return the child it would be immediate, and she would risk making it practically very difficult to have access to her son unless she could find housing and a job and move back very quickly.

Option 3 is the only realistic answer. If your STBX cares for your DS 50% of the time, it will be easier to take regular trips back ‘home’ on your own. You will also be able to visit family during school holidays with your son. I believe you would feel more settled once you have your own place to live in your current area away from an unhappy relationship.

No, he won't.
It's such a bad living situation.

Financially I'm screwed.

Unlike the op I don't think that he'd want 50/50 (maybe 70/30) one of the major things that we argue about is how un proactive he is about everything apart from his job.

There's no abuse or anything - he just has no get up and go and is so bloody selfish. Our second is a terrible sleeper snd it's broken me, the lack of support I've had from him has made me resent him so much.

He's made zero effort to make any friendships (we met in London and moved here together)

It's all just a bit shit really.

I hope the thread has helped you work some things out in your mind op. It's a very lonely place to be x

Realistically surely, the only position in which the other parent can challenge a parent moving away is if they're prepared to be the primary carer (and then the moving parent will have EOW/holiday contact). Because if they take it to court, the court will be deciding - should the child live with Parent A in location X or Parent B in location Y? It's not open to the court to decide that Parent B should remain in location X and parent 50/50 with Parent A. That's not an option open to them, though they can make an order 'in the alternative', as it were - i.e. if Parent B decides to stay, then the child should split their time 50/50 (or whatever an appropriate split is) between Parent A and Parent B.

There is no solution to this where everyone comes out fully happy and content. So all you can do is put the child first and do what would be best for him.
Personally I can't imagine that means removing him miles from his dad, I think there would have to be some significant mental gymnastics to be done before you could look in the mirror and say that was the best outcome for him.
But even if you do stay in the area and you have to build a life where you are, it doesn't mean you don't deserve recognition for your situation being tough on you.
Hopefully you would end up building a good life and be content and once your son is grown up you wouldn't need to be so tied.

You need to stay where you are. It's not viable for you to move. He's entitled to 50/50 access and your child needs a school. Your sons going to have to come first.

There are after school and breakfast clubs for child care so that you can work full time.

I have said a few times I will move home if I split with my husband but after seeing what's been said on here now I know I wouldn't and I was being selfish. The distance is far less for me to but the schooling would be an issue and he's a good dad so he deserves 50/50 if we did ever split.

You will have to wait until your sons grown up to move back or until something changes.