Trapped and don’t know what to do

[Patternsonthewater]

If someone could please give me some advice I’d be grateful, I’m feeling so lost.

Myself and my partner need to separate, he’s not the person I thought he was. There’s no abuse or anything of that sort but he hardly even speaks to me anymore and I feel so alone. We are not compatible in anyway and he’s admitted he doesn’t really feel the same for me now.
Now the problem:
We have a 5 year old son. We also have a joint mortgage (although we are not married).
We live 170 miles away from my family. His family are round the corner.
If we are to split up, I would really like to move back to where my parents are as I have nothing here. I have a couple of acquaintances but that’s all.

My problem is I don’t know how I can move back to them because of our son. His dad has made it very clear he would want 50/50 and to be fair he is a brilliant father. I can’t fault him on that.

So the options are very limited. Our son is also at school here, although I know moving schools isn’t a really big deal at this age.

As far as I can see it, I am destined to be here living away from my family indefinitely. As there are no other options that are viable.

1. I move back on my own and leave my DS here with his dad (not something I want to do, as then I’d hardly see him and I want to be a part of his life)

2. I move and take DS with me, away from his dad, which would then end in a court case/decision and I may not win that anyway.

3. Me and DP split up and I move out in this area on my own, we share childcare 50/50 but I continue to be far away from my support network and family.

I don’t think there are any other options, my parents won’t move here as they’re not in a position to.

If anyone can help and offer me guidance I’d be very grateful.

This is so rare but you sound to be an excellent parent for this attitude alone!!
👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

You could move locally to start with. Then if it turns out that you have your son more then move nearer your parents if that seems best.

You might actually not need your parents as much as you think. It's often much easier if it's just you in charge rather than having to deal with a non sympathetic other adult. Also your son will get more independent in infant school years - especially if you encourage him.

I disagree with posters saying you moving to near your parents is not putting your son first. You having sympathetic support might well help your son more than having to juggle with your partner and his family constantly.

@Halfemptyhalfling why does her son need helping more? He's not being abused, nobody is.

Pulling him away from his life might hurt him though

Sympathetic support helps with logistics but doesn't replace for the child a brilliant dad who adores his son.

Fully agree

This. If he's an involved and equal parent you put him first over wanting to be near your mum and dad. You're an adult and want to be close to your parents and you think your 5yo not seeing his dad will cope better?
Sorry but it would wrong to do that in this case. You do have an option to stay local and build your own network.

Move back near your family. If he is that committed he can relocate. It’s not fair to expect you to live alone so far away from your family. A court will always favour the mother over the father for such a young child. Do you have family you can stay with? If so make plans to go there. You don’t have to tell him, because if you do he may try to physically or emotionally stop you. It may be 170 miles but that’s only just over 80 miles if you meet halfway for handovers. Get a solicitor as soon as possible just in case he decides to be difficult. Good luck OP 💐

Just imagine if this was the other way round.

OP does your partner officially have parental responsibility?

But it’s not. A child needs a mother at that age. They’re not even married. I say that as a person whose husband took my kids to Scotland and then I had to fight him through the courts but it was complicated because solicitors in England didn’t know Scottish law. That’s why I feel so strongly that she needs to be where she has support so that she remains with her child.

Not even married? What has that got to do with it. Me and DP aren't married. There is no way I'd take his kids away from him. Not that there would be a chance he'd let me. My boys have always needed their father too.

I think the answer is not to think has to be forever.

Have you thought about staying in the same area just for a few years? I know this has its downsides though.

Perhaps stay in the area on the understanding that your DP and his family will be there for your son 50/50. If they don’t fulfil this promise you can say you will move closer to your family, who will help you out.

Then plan perhaps to move your son when he’s at secondary school?

The biggest down side will be if your son doesn’t want to change friends - that’s always a hard ask and some children are better suited to this than others. As a pre teenager it will be easier for him to travel to his father, and stay longer.

It also means you have time to visit your hometown regularly and he perhaps foster friendship there for the future.

You may think this is a rubbish idea and is actually the worst of both worlds. I only offer it up as your current choice of going or staying isn’t easy.

Me and DP split up and I move out in this area on my own, we share childcare 50/50 but I continue to be far away from my support network and family.

I would choose option 3.

Its not fair to take your child so far away from his parent and school but also because his dad is going to be more support than your family will be (or he should be).

If you stay local then he can have him 50/50 or close to it, meaning you have lots of free time which will make working easier your son will have the support of both parents.

If you move back to your family, then you will have to facilitate contact and spend a lot of your free time driving back and forward.
And realistically how often will your family look after DS compared to his dad.

I would definitely stay in the area for at least a year and see how you get on.
It maybe that you struggle and need to reconsider or you may get on absolutely fine.

I completely disagree.

If OP is choosing to leave then she should leave her son in his current home.

She doesn’t get to trump everyone else simply because she’s the mother.

The son and his dads feelings should also be taken into account.

I think OP should live locally for a while and then decide what’s best for her son.

Right now moving him far away from his support system is not the best thing for him.

This is really bad advice. It is definitely not true that a court will always side with the mother, and she could easily be made to return him. The father would have the benefit of being able to keep the son in familiar surroundings with people he already knows and loves, and wouldn't have to change his school/clubs etc. As long as he would have his son (and from what OP has said he would) there is no reason a court would allow her to take him away. You are suggesting she takes her son from an involved and loving parent to satisfy her urge to be near her parents. Do you really believe that she would suffer more from being apart from her parents than her son would from being separated from all the adults (excluding op) he knows and relies on?

She doesn't "need" to be somewhere where she has support, she's an adult and can cope. If her ex is offering 50/50 then she'll have plenty of time to get out there and make connections where she lives now.

What a horrible attitude. This would only be justifiable if there was abuse. OP accepts her child's Dad is good, involved and would want 50/50. Even if the drive is 80 odd miles for each adult that's still 170 each way for the young child.

But what about their jobs? In the scenario of both parents moving 170 miles ( seperately) they would both have to find new jobs as that's too long to commute

Surely after 10 years in an area you should've made local friends erc

option 3. You don't get to take DS away. It's not like you're the main carer and he's a deadbeat dad. This is your DS's home and 50/50 will work in this set-up. It will also give you more time so you can work full-time and also see your parents more in the time that you don't have DS - and indeed when you do. You're a grown woman and have lived in that area for 10 years already, 25-35, there's no reason you'll suddenly need your parents locally especially not with your ex having 50/50 and his parents also being there to help out. I think you're (understandably) panicking and wanting to run home for support - and I hope your parents will come and visit and give you support - but you don't need to live there, and haven't for most of your adult life, and all of your son's life.

To prioritise moving back there would be the wrong thing to do right now and only for your own fears. Better to keep some stability for your son and take a couple of years at least to get re-settled there or somewhere in that area, and find out what life is like as a solo parent there. You could find things open up to you in a way that they haven't in this unhappy time and with a young DC. You aren't trapped, that's the bottom line. You're just seeing it that way because what you want to do isn't reasonable, but option 3 is totally viable and the fairest thing to do.

Split and stay in the area.

I think you'd be bang out of order to move.

You're an adult and want to be close to your parents and you think your 5yo not seeing his dad will cope better?

This is a very good point.

Worst 'advice' I've read on mumsnet!!

Idiotic !

It will be tough for you to win permission to remove your son from jurisdiction - courts will rule in what is the best interest of the child. They will take into account the fact that you will be happier and more supported closer to home, but ultimately, I think they'd rule to stay... but I only know of my own situation. There might be intricacies involved here that mean your request will be approved.

You need to make it work where you are. Is it possible to move to a location with batter transport links to get to your parents? For example, being on the right side of a city near a motorway junction might knock half an hour or more from the journey to your parents, which could make a difference to how often and how easily you can visit them or they can visit you, but you're still close enough for your DS to stay in the same school. Presumably you will be selling the house to get your share of the money out?

That is really stupid advice!

How's it going to work for school?!! Quite apart from everything else...

"be difficult" ie wanting reasonable access to his own child?!!!