Trapped and don’t know what to do

[Patternsonthewater]

If someone could please give me some advice I’d be grateful, I’m feeling so lost.

Myself and my partner need to separate, he’s not the person I thought he was. There’s no abuse or anything of that sort but he hardly even speaks to me anymore and I feel so alone. We are not compatible in anyway and he’s admitted he doesn’t really feel the same for me now.
Now the problem:
We have a 5 year old son. We also have a joint mortgage (although we are not married).
We live 170 miles away from my family. His family are round the corner.
If we are to split up, I would really like to move back to where my parents are as I have nothing here. I have a couple of acquaintances but that’s all.

My problem is I don’t know how I can move back to them because of our son. His dad has made it very clear he would want 50/50 and to be fair he is a brilliant father. I can’t fault him on that.

So the options are very limited. Our son is also at school here, although I know moving schools isn’t a really big deal at this age.

As far as I can see it, I am destined to be here living away from my family indefinitely. As there are no other options that are viable.

1. I move back on my own and leave my DS here with his dad (not something I want to do, as then I’d hardly see him and I want to be a part of his life)

2. I move and take DS with me, away from his dad, which would then end in a court case/decision and I may not win that anyway.

3. Me and DP split up and I move out in this area on my own, we share childcare 50/50 but I continue to be far away from my support network and family.

I don’t think there are any other options, my parents won’t move here as they’re not in a position to.

If anyone can help and offer me guidance I’d be very grateful.

I think that you need to take a minute to take stock here and not make any rash decisions (e.g. “I’m going to move where I want and ex can like it or lump it, I don’t care”)- not only because that might not go in your favour if it came to a custody battle, but because it would be far better for all 3 of you if you and your ex can co-parent amicably. That is extremely unlikely if you move his son away without his knowledge or agreement.

I don’t have an easy answer though - I don’t think there is any way that you can all get what you want. You want to be near your support network- understandably. Your son probably would benefit from as little disruption as possible, by the sounds of things, and he deserves to have a close relationship with his dad. Your ex also deserves to play a full role in son’s life, so if he wants shared custody then he should be entitled to that unless there is a very good reason to deny him. He probably also wants his support network around him so would not be keen to move (also factor in having to move jobs etc- not always possible).

I suppose you must keep what will benefit your son the most as the central point of focus. Of course, your needs/well-being do factor into that as having one (or two) very unhappy parents will impact on him (which means your ex’s well-being and needs are also important). Having parents at loggerheads will impact him. Not seeing his dad (or mum) regularly will impact on him. So, I suppose on balance I would stay where you are and try and build a network around you where you are. I guess if that really isn’t working you could try to find a compromise.

I also don’t know if you can just unilaterally decide to move him far away from his dad/change schools etc without consent- and if you can, surely he can do the reverse? Even if you can, I’m not sure you should. I’m also not sure how the family courts would look on a parent doing this when the other parent actively wants shared custody. I think you may benefit from some legal advice as to your legal rights and also your obligations.

sorry OP, i get this is difficult and I imagine what you really wanted to hear is that you should just do what’s best for you- don’t worry/ignore what your ex-partner wants- and that your son will adapt. I don’t mean that passive aggressively- we always wish there was an easy(ish) way to get what we want. Incidentally, I am sure he would adapt to whatever happens- but he does need both parents in his life.

Is it just your parents at 'home'? I would be putting my child first and staying nearby, putting lots of effort into meeting new people and making a wonderful new life, especially when child is with father.

Option 3.

Your need to be close to your parents is not greater than your son’s need to be close to his father and other family.

You’ll soon build a local support network and likely meet someone new in time.

What a strange thread. Surely your partner looking after your son for 50% of the time counts as "support"? It frees you to work without being crippled by childcare costs, gives you time to yourself, means there's someone else on hand to take him to medical appointments, attend parents evenings, cover in case of an emergency etc. Are you thinking your parents would do more than 50%?

Agree with this.

Fair to whom? Certainly not fair to the 5 year old child who will be uprooted from everything he knows and taken 170 miles away from a loving devoted parent who wants 50/50 custody.

Surely the child is the most important one here? And the child needs both his parents in his life day to day.

Option three seems like the best compromise to me. Given that you know your husband would want to be caring for his son 50% of the time, how much of a 'support network' do you need, honestly? I understand why you want to live near your family, but I don't think you need to live near your family.

I think your son is the most important person in all this, and I would have thought it was clearly in his best interests to be able to spend equal time you and with his dad.

It's unlikely that the amount of support your family would be able/willing to offer would be equal to a father with 50/50 residency. You will have a greater ability to work and have more free time with your partner as an equal co-parent.

Option 3 is clearly the right thing to do.

I think option 3 is the only one that puts your son first. You need to build your own support network in the local area.

I have a friend whose children's dad lives 4 hours away and the children hate visiting as it's so far and it's exhausting for them every other weekend. The eldest is 10 and she's already asking not to go so she can do activities etc.

Wow! I am shocked the number of people on here that I saying it's fine to move 170 miles away from your son's father. If my DC's other parent tried that I would be devastated and fight them with everything I have.
What if he did that to you?

I also can't believe no one has mentioned that if the DP took this to court they would prevent you from taking your DS away from his dad.
The world has changed in that regard now. 50/50 is always the starting point and only if your DP Can't fulfil that would moving away be an option.

I agree with PP it's a case of finding a life for yourself while your DS is young.

The child will not be damaged by moving, nor deprived of both parents because my suggestion is that the dad move there too.

Sometimes the adult’s needs does trump the child’s. The child will not lose anything, but gain a better relationship with the other side of his family.

I don’t think it’s reasonable for OP to be expected to live away from her family and support network indefinitely because the child has started school there.

Option 3 is the only fair option for your DS.

And you'd say the same would you, if op was the Dad, and they'd been living next to the mums family for 10 years?

Option 4- you all move to your family area (separately)

Option 5- you move half way, or to another place that makes some sort of commute possible

I guess ex will say a flat no to Option 4 and there might not be anywhere mid-way that would suit Option 5. But at least put them on any list for negotiation to show you're considering any and all possible options?

It’s a tough one, but I would say option 3. This is the least disruptive for your son, (he would not have to move school for example).
the other options put you first, not your son, but option 3 is the most child focused.
prioritise seeing your family school holidays etc

Third option get your own place and build a life there for yourself. You must have some friends already and as he gets older he will get involved in activities and make friends and you will make friends with the parents thats what i did and life is good my
mum is 450 miles away.

shes been living away from them for 5 year’s already.

I don’t see you have much choice. Your sons dad can (quite rightly) take legal steps to prevent you moving 170 miles away with his child, preventing him from parenting in any meaningful way.

Unfortunately this is the risk that people take when they have a child with someone in a particular location - that location becomes the status quo and you can’t just move without the other parents agreement. Not for years anyway.

Your child’s right to his relationship with his dad trumps your right as an adult to live near your parents. As PPs have said - any practical support your family might offer won’t come close to the 50/50 custody arrangement with your child’s dad. So be honest, you just want to live near your family. Which is fine and understandable but your child deserves to grow up living near his dad more.

You need to find a way to make the best of this and try and establish a positive co parenting relationship with your ex.

I agree with this!

I also think that you‘ll have more feee time soon and you can use that time to built new friendships in your area! There are more people out there who‘d like more friends, you can even do online dating with a friends OR romance setting.

So many options with 50/50!

If your ex doesn’t agree you will need the permission of the Court to change your sons school. In the circumstances you describe I really don’t think that’s a court case you will win.

The court cannot make you stay in an area you don’t want to live but they can stop you taking your son.

I’m afraid option 3 is your only realistic way forward.

As was her choice and now it doesn't suit she wants to move a child away from its parent.

I think your only option is no 3 unless the father agrees that you move your son, which is extremely unlikely. The courts would not see this as in child’s best interest to uproot him and move far away from his dad. I’m sorry, I’m divorced and I know how hard it is but you must not make any decisions that will look bad on you in a potential court situation.

In a non harsh way you suck it up and accept this is now where you live. I'm in the same boat, I'm away from family and it's a boat or plane to see them but I can't move back as then my DC wouldn't see their dad. Tbh he's a waste of space and unreliable and I think within another year or so contact will break down completely and I'll then be free to move as I please but for now it is what it is. My advice would be to put the effort into accepting the area you live as your home and spend the time making connections and gaining a support network where you are now whilst keeping up with the visits to your family. If you accept this is how it is and stop thinking about living back near family then hopefully life will be easier for you with a new mindset. Apologies as I think I have actually been harsh and that honestly wasn't my intention, accepting the situation for what it is can be very freeing whereas holding onto wishes it was different will only bring you down and that's not good for you or your DS