Trapped and don’t know what to do

[Patternsonthewater]

If someone could please give me some advice I’d be grateful, I’m feeling so lost.

Myself and my partner need to separate, he’s not the person I thought he was. There’s no abuse or anything of that sort but he hardly even speaks to me anymore and I feel so alone. We are not compatible in anyway and he’s admitted he doesn’t really feel the same for me now.
Now the problem:
We have a 5 year old son. We also have a joint mortgage (although we are not married).
We live 170 miles away from my family. His family are round the corner.
If we are to split up, I would really like to move back to where my parents are as I have nothing here. I have a couple of acquaintances but that’s all.

My problem is I don’t know how I can move back to them because of our son. His dad has made it very clear he would want 50/50 and to be fair he is a brilliant father. I can’t fault him on that.

So the options are very limited. Our son is also at school here, although I know moving schools isn’t a really big deal at this age.

As far as I can see it, I am destined to be here living away from my family indefinitely. As there are no other options that are viable.

1. I move back on my own and leave my DS here with his dad (not something I want to do, as then I’d hardly see him and I want to be a part of his life)

2. I move and take DS with me, away from his dad, which would then end in a court case/decision and I may not win that anyway.

3. Me and DP split up and I move out in this area on my own, we share childcare 50/50 but I continue to be far away from my support network and family.

I don’t think there are any other options, my parents won’t move here as they’re not in a position to.

If anyone can help and offer me guidance I’d be very grateful.

I think moving away from DH will be bad for your child and make parenting much harder for you in the long term, especially if your child has SN.

I also think if you split up and have 50-50 your whole life in your current town could transform for the better. You would be able to start new hobbies and make friends with other single mums. You might find it freeing in a way. Do you think this is a possibility? I was raised by a single mum (widow) from a young age and she had a whole gang of single female friends and active social life in a way i don't think she would have if she'd been married.

Moving your son away isn't really an option. If he wants 50/50 and can make it work he can get a prohibited steps order for about £215 if he self represents .. and ask that the court prohibit the child from leaving the jurisdiction (immediate area covered by local court)

The court cannot dictate where you live but they can and will dictate where your child lives. If you move prior to the hearing then you can and almost certainly will be ordered to return him.

You only choice is to seek some counselling if you believe there is any chance of saving your relationship OR move out to somewhere nearby .

This.

Are you an only child?
Are your mum and dad retired?

I would push for them to move to me if the above was yes tbh.

Yes, their extended family are close by where they live but unless they have an aging relative that they care for, you need to be their priority so you can focus on your son's happiness.

If they won't move permanently or to the area, up to an hour away and living with you part time (perhaps they could contribute to your new home) would be a compromise.

Yours and your son's life is about to change hugely and they need to get on and be part of your support.

As much as I’m sure you’d benefit from the support and it'll be hard being single and away from family, you chose to create a life with this man and he sounds like he’s not a terrible father. You’ve also chosen to create a life for your child in that area. As such I don’t think it would be fair on your child to move and dramatically decrease his contact. Instead you’ll need to find a way to live in that area and build other support networks. That might be easier with shared care and you might also find that you feel less lonely when single, as there is no worse loneliness than feeling that way when with your partner.

My friend did this, 268 miles, she moved and married again and is really happy.
Her and her ex would each drive 134 miles to meet and exchange their daughter - a bit of a pain but they made it work.

I move and take DS with me, away from his dad, which would then end in a court case/decision and I may not win that anyway.
I think you are getting ahead of yourself here. It might not end in a court case - or did he put that in your mind? It's difficult but you can make it work - maybe move mid-way between your family and your ex?

To imply it's the move which is the problem is ridiculous, it's not moving per se, it's putting a five year old child into a situation where he can only see his doting father by making large and therefore exhausting journeys, or only infrequently.

Sorry OP but I think you are stuck there for a while. The best thing to do is accept that and focus on how to make things better for you. See if you can organise to see your family a little at weekends/holidays etc. Focus on your health, diet, exercise. This will all make you feel more positive and in control. Maybe book regular zoom family calls - quiz nights etc. Also try to make some friends where you are but accept those friendships will take time. I live away from family. I know it's hard. Good luck.

If you read my original post, you will see that I suggested that dad should move too.

@RomeoRivers I didn't check your post history I just responded to your point of what effect a move has on a child vs. teenager, which you made to dispute my post that moving would give this child unhappiness.

Exactly, because if their father moves also, then the child hasn’t lost anything in terms of their support network; unlike a teenager, for whom losing friends and changing schools could be disastrous.

You need to do what's best for your ds. And that's probably to stay near his df. Can you work on building a new support network? Otherwise maybe discuss with your ex partner and see if there's a solution that he could accept

Personally I think kids need both parents (where appropriate, I.e no abuse etc) so I think you need to stay in the area.

My in laws still support my partners ex wife, helping with childcare etc, do you have a good relationship with them?

Can you start building a better support network where you live, are their single parent groups, or activities where you could start getting to meet new people?

He could file a prohibited steps order to stop you taking him

He could use education ( his school) to stop the move

Ok. Well you didn't link your earlier post in to your response to mine, I don't know why you would expect me to note it. It doesn't really alter the point I'm making.
And I think the odds of the DH also relocating so op can be closer to her family with all the associated costs and complications of two places to live needing to be found etc etc is vanishingly small so a bit of a moot point anyway.

I think it makes a big difference that OP moved to that area before even meeting her DP. She hasn't made the sacrifice to be near his family, that's where she lived when they met and moved in together and had a child together. It's not like she made a sacrifice for him and now it's his turn. Unless, I suppose, she always intended on moving back to near parents once she had children. But that would always depend on what the dad would also want.
OP have you actually/are you able to just have a conversation with your DP about how you feel about the living arrangements?
Have you actually agreed to separate yet or is this you thinking about ducks before you actually take the plunge?

Won't the house need to be sold in order for the op to move anyway?

I was in the same boat as you. I have ended up staying in the area close to my exDH. I couldn't take my children away from their dad, or him away from them. I decided to split up so I took the hit but it's hard never being near your family.

I think you mean so they will both have to find accommodation...

One might buy out the other, which would be good as the ds wouldn't lose his familiar home as well as the family unit.

But relocating as far as op family would likely mean new employment also, unless you have a role which is entirely WFH. So staying in area is simpler/less risky from that point view especially if considerations like length of service and redundancy protection are a factor.

I think you need to work out how to stay there and make a life for yourself.
I'm 300 miles away from my parents but couldn't take my kids away from exDH. Plus objectively this is a better place to live.
I have built a local network here.
My route was I moved out and rented locally until exDH could raise the funds to by me out. Would that work?

Option 4.
Stay in the area for 6 months/1 year. If your ex keeps up 50:50 then start to build your new life there. If he starts messing you around and refusing to do 50:50 when the reality kicks in, then move home.

You want to move near your parents, (your mum and your dad), because they supported and loved you and yet if you do that you are ensuring your son is denied that. Even if courts etc let that happen, long term a long distance relationship will become more and more difficult. His relationship with his dad will become strained, he can't go to two schools so 50/50 would end up being holidays, (and how would his dad work then?), and weekends, (so DS would miss all the parties and weekend clubs and seeing his school friends).

Eventually it would be "Oh DS doesn't want to go London/Liverpool/Portsmouth this weekend because he's got a party - and I'm not going to force him". And Ex DP would of course find a new partner, ( as might you), and the new partner might have a baby - and then DS is competing for his dad with a child who is there every day and who has his dad at sports days and rugby matches and playdates and whatever.

Put DS first. Make your life in the place you are.

Did they have a 50/50 split though? Because that can work for eow and holidays, but I can't see how it would be fair for a child to have to do that amount of travel every weekend and holiday, and would also mean the parent who had them in the week would get no real down-time with them, especially at 5.

But well done on thinking of your children, putting them first

I agree with this.