Trapped and don’t know what to do

[Patternsonthewater]

If someone could please give me some advice I’d be grateful, I’m feeling so lost.

Myself and my partner need to separate, he’s not the person I thought he was. There’s no abuse or anything of that sort but he hardly even speaks to me anymore and I feel so alone. We are not compatible in anyway and he’s admitted he doesn’t really feel the same for me now.
Now the problem:
We have a 5 year old son. We also have a joint mortgage (although we are not married).
We live 170 miles away from my family. His family are round the corner.
If we are to split up, I would really like to move back to where my parents are as I have nothing here. I have a couple of acquaintances but that’s all.

My problem is I don’t know how I can move back to them because of our son. His dad has made it very clear he would want 50/50 and to be fair he is a brilliant father. I can’t fault him on that.

So the options are very limited. Our son is also at school here, although I know moving schools isn’t a really big deal at this age.

As far as I can see it, I am destined to be here living away from my family indefinitely. As there are no other options that are viable.

1. I move back on my own and leave my DS here with his dad (not something I want to do, as then I’d hardly see him and I want to be a part of his life)

2. I move and take DS with me, away from his dad, which would then end in a court case/decision and I may not win that anyway.

3. Me and DP split up and I move out in this area on my own, we share childcare 50/50 but I continue to be far away from my support network and family.

I don’t think there are any other options, my parents won’t move here as they’re not in a position to.

If anyone can help and offer me guidance I’d be very grateful.

You’ll find that once you have your own place, and 50% more child-free time, you’ll be much more free to build your own network of friends. It will come.

@Patternsonthewater I could honestly have (almost) written your post. Our situation is similar.

My partner (unmarried) and I are very different people. We are nor in love anymore. 2 kids, 6 and 2 year old.
My parents are over 200 miles away, other family spread out, no nearer.

His family are just less than an hour away.

We need to separate but I feel so trapped.

I can't financially afford a 3, or even 2 bed around here - South East, by myself. Back home I could but I couldn't move that far and basically ruin the relationship between the kids and their dad. He's also said that he'd fight it if I moved that far away

I do have some friends around here and I've put effort into forging those friendships but I feel so alone. My best friends and parebts are all in the one place but I can't move there.
Trapped is how I feel too but out of your options the only one that I'm considering is 3.

Just wanted you to know that you're not alone

Your son’s relationship with his father is the priority here.

If you go back ‘home’ in school holidays already, perhaps your parents could do a couple of long weekends to you. There’s barely be a month you don’t see them.

Kindly, moving back to your parents is not in your son’s best interest.

Option 3. It’s hard but you have to put your son first. You need to make some new friends etc.

Exactly my point she’s lives away for 5 years already she cant just up and leave back to her family taking her son away from his dad

I agree. It's unfair on your son and his dad to move 170 miles away.

If this was reversed and a Dad was wanting to move 170 miles away, the consensus would be that it's unfair on the other parent.

OP with 50/50 you will have time for yourself to build a life.

Could 50% be made up during holidays?

I agree. You need to use the 50% time when your son is with his dad to build a stronger network for yourself. My parents lived just 35 minutes apart when I was a kid. I still think they should have got it down to walking distance. It's what I would do for my kids to be near their good father if I split with my partner.

You can't move a small child away from a parent because you as an adult aren't coping with being near your parents. That would be completely unfair on you son.

Why don't you have any friends in your area? How long have you been living there?

I'm afraid I think it has to be option 3.

I live hundreds of miles from my family and if my husband and I ever split up I will have to stay here until my kids are grown up.

Where would you stand legally?

Have you spoke to your ex about it? Have you said you’d like to move? He maybe more amicable than you think?

Would your ex be willing to be the resident parent?

Because the reality is that he can't stop you moving unless he's willing to be your DS's main carer, not just 50/50.

I think C is the best option. If your DP is a good parent now, and you believe he will carry on bieng one, you already have that support. Are his family who are near giving help at the moment? Do you have reasons to think they will still support EX DP, but won't offer to help if you need it?

Option 5 is not an option at all - wouldn't work for school.

@Patternsonthewater the only way you could move nearer to your parents would be if your partner was prepared to move there too.

What were the circumstances around moving where you live now and support network aside, how do you feel about living there? What are people like? Do you think you would be able to build closer friendships with people?

I'm in a similar living situation in that we live almost the exact same distance from my friends and family (I actually just googled and it's 171miles), we are nearby to DP's family and share children together. We are in a good place now and have worked through things but there was a point where I really questioned if we were going to make it and so I faced the same question and still now have prepared myself with what I would do should we split. It took me a long time to decide but I have decided that should we split, I would stay here. DP would not have 50/50 due to his working hours but I would still want to be here and a big part of that is because I love the lifestyle here and what there is to do (we live surrounded by forests and near to hills and beaches, I am originally from the city) hence why I asked my initial question. I also don't have close friends here but I want to start trying to create that for myself.

I understand why people are saying that option 3 is what is best for your son but if you hate where you live, won't be able to build friendships and so will feel lonely and isolated, that won't be any good for him ro grow up seeing. I think you need to weigh up both your needs whilst giving consideration to what you can create where you currently live. If you love where you live, feel like you could make friends with some more effort and time, then option 3 could work.

Option 3 is the only reasonable one. And start building your local support network.

No, because more often than not, the mother is the main care giver.

So therefore she should always…? That doesn’t make sense, people are allowed to move. She has already sacrificed her family for his for years, why should she be made to do it forever?

They can reassess further down the line, but it’s normal after a break up to want to retreat back to your safety net.

It's not about her and him anymore, it's about the child they share.

^^this

How can you say that you need your support network but tear your child away from theirs? It doesn't make sense to me.This isn't an uninvolved absentee dad, it's a parent who is involved in his sons life, and who is prepared to prioritise him. You don't get to take your child away from that. Morally or legally.

170 miles is not that bad. It could be worse.

How long is that by rail? Or by car?

Would your ex give you his blessing?

Either way when your son becomes a teen he will be unlikely to enjoy flitting between areas. He will have clubs/football/friends etc

If you moved away when he visited his dad he probably won’t have any friends in the area if you ff 5 years

There is no right or wrong answer but I suppose if you asked yourself what is best for the child that would probably be to stay put

I haven’t read all the answers, but in your place I woukd choose Nr 3.
your son’s young relationship with his father is more important than your ADULT support network. Try and find friends locally.
your son’s needs come first, end of!

And the child they share will be perfectly fine if they move.

If you read my original post, I was not suggesting that she remove the child from his father. I suggested that they all move, given that up until this point they have been near his family. Does the child not deserve to build a closer relationship with her side of the family too?

The OP has already said it would be 50/50. So your response makes no sense.