Trapped and don’t know what to do

[Patternsonthewater]

If someone could please give me some advice I’d be grateful, I’m feeling so lost.

Myself and my partner need to separate, he’s not the person I thought he was. There’s no abuse or anything of that sort but he hardly even speaks to me anymore and I feel so alone. We are not compatible in anyway and he’s admitted he doesn’t really feel the same for me now.
Now the problem:
We have a 5 year old son. We also have a joint mortgage (although we are not married).
We live 170 miles away from my family. His family are round the corner.
If we are to split up, I would really like to move back to where my parents are as I have nothing here. I have a couple of acquaintances but that’s all.

My problem is I don’t know how I can move back to them because of our son. His dad has made it very clear he would want 50/50 and to be fair he is a brilliant father. I can’t fault him on that.

So the options are very limited. Our son is also at school here, although I know moving schools isn’t a really big deal at this age.

As far as I can see it, I am destined to be here living away from my family indefinitely. As there are no other options that are viable.

1. I move back on my own and leave my DS here with his dad (not something I want to do, as then I’d hardly see him and I want to be a part of his life)

2. I move and take DS with me, away from his dad, which would then end in a court case/decision and I may not win that anyway.

3. Me and DP split up and I move out in this area on my own, we share childcare 50/50 but I continue to be far away from my support network and family.

I don’t think there are any other options, my parents won’t move here as they’re not in a position to.

If anyone can help and offer me guidance I’d be very grateful.

@RomeoRivers yes. The child will be 'perfectly fine' travelling 170 miles on Friday night traffic every other weekend and having to do the same journey 2 days later. Missing out on 50% of parties (important for primary kids) and not being able to do any weekend activities.

Hmmm… I have some experience of this. I think staying in the area at this point is your son’s and your best option, for now. You two being apart is probably enough without moving him to a different area and school etc. After 10 years you’d hopefully have friends? If your ex is doing 50/50 then you have time to visit family, take your son up every few weekends etc to visit and hopefully they can visit you. And hopefully you can stay in the house and he buy you out?

Well if she can persuade her ex partner to move away from his own family and near hers then good luck to her, but if she moves 170 miles away from her child's father then she is the one depriving her child of being able to live near both his parents.

No travelling back and forth, I suggested DP moves with them.

The comments move near your family and that is not in the child's best interests sorry but if you have a child you have a responsibility to stay near the dad also if he is a good one or if he is willing to move then do that

50/50 after a split doesn’t mean that she hasn’t been his main care giver up until now.

Best option would be you to separate and make a life for you where you are. Do you know other parents, any groups you joined. What the other parents at your DS school like

Will he not move out? Being unmarried in these situations, with no cohabitation bill in this country, is really really hard

@RomeoRivers It is an option but I don't know many people who would agree to move closer to their ex's parents away from their own support network during a divorce.

Why would you make your own life worse if you didn't need to?

Could you say to him that you moved to
Be beside him and his family. So cld
He change his job and move so
You an be near your parents? It does seem like
He "holds all the cards" . Very unfair. If you moved back to your parents could you get a job. Would you have friends. Could you move halfway back. Somewhere between his dad and your parents. I feel for you OP it's a tough one

Is there any chance of reconciling with your partner? Maybe couple's therapy to give things one last chance? Then if he's open to trying to save the relationship maybe he'd be willing to try moving closer to your parents? It does sound like he's completely checked out though 😔 I feel for you, it sounds an awful situation you're in.

He's a good dad a your son is settled. Build a new life where you are.

Because it’s called compromise. If he really cared about her wellbeing, and thus the wellbeing of their child, he would at least consider it.

I understand why some posters think she should stay. But if she really has no one where she lives now and will always long to make a life back home, then I think staying and being miserable isn’t actually in the child’s best interests.

It didn’t sound like the op and her ex moved to that area together specifically to be with his family. She said she moved there on her own and then met her ex there. So considering it’s somewhere she chose to live independently of him it doesn’t seem a case of needing to compromise as they didn’t decide as a couple that is where they would live.

Whatever support your parents may be able to offer I'd put good money on it not equating to a committed 50/50 co parent!
You said your son is your dp's world.
And your ds loves his dad, your parents can't fill the void that would be created if they were robbed of that.
It is not fair to ask your parents to watch their GS go through that pain and know that some of the onus for trying to ease his suffering falls to them, all while everyone knows that the loss of a loving father is immeasurable.

The least worse damage all round is for you to co-parent with the man who you said is the kind of person who could make that happen, and build yourself a decent life where you are. If your ds is with his dad 50/50 you'll have good opportunity to create a good life where you also get to see your son grow up with minimal heart break.

The adult's need NEVER trumps the child's need. That's such a selfish attitude.

I disagree.

Happy mother = happy child
Miserable mother = miserable child

Miserable child = miserable mother.

As a mum you are rarely more happy than your least happy child.

Not at all and a ridiculously simplistic way of looking at things. My mother forced me to move hundreds of miles away from my friends ans family at a critical point of my life with her new partner. She was happy, I certainly wasn't and I fucked off at age 17 to live with my boyfriend.

It’s not the same, her son is only 5. Moving to be near his other set of grandparents is not going to ruin his life or traumatise him.

To suggest that moving would make a 5 yo child miserable is ridiculous. It’s not the same as moving a teenager.

Being moved away from his father could though. When you choose to have a child, you need to do what's best for them and not for yourself. OP is an adult, she can cope. I managed as a lone parent with not much family support. I put DS first.

I suggested that dad move to.

He might not want to though. If he does that's fine, but adults need to put the child first, they didn't choose to be born. If you as a grown adult can't cope without your parents nearby then it's bloody selfish to expect your child to cope with the same!

You put your son first and stay in the area so he can have both parents.