Trapped working from home with toddlers.

[ChasingRainbows8]

I have a job that is partly working from home, in that I do an assessment and have to then write a report for court from home. My DH has taken on the role of childcare, as we have a DD who is 1 and a DD who is 3.

I work from an upstairs office, if I am seen or heard by the 1 year old, it starts a huge tantrum, so I am basically trapped upstairs. DH never takes them out, they are always just milling around downstairs. They do go to nursery on a Wed/Thurs but I can't plan to do all of my work on those days. AIBU to expect that DH should take them out for some of the day? It is so distracting to try to work with the noise of them both climbing the walls. I have tried working from a café, which is fine but was getting expensive.

Any tips on making a work from home arrangement with two toddlers in the house workable? I always feel like I am either stuck in the room or causing hell if I dare to go down to make a cup of tea.

If you read my posts, I never actually said I thought it was good parenting. Just like I don't necessarily thing that taking your kids out everyday no matter what is good parenting either.

What I think is important is that DC get a mixture of all kinds of things - days out, days at home and days at nursery, which is what these two are getting. Yes, it would be nice for them to get out everyday, but the weather recently has been appalling - rain, mud, hail, wind - it's felt absolutely relentless and I can't say I would want to be dragging toddlers out in it if I didn't have to.

AIBU has been full of threads recently from parents who are fed up of the weather and who are sick of taking soggy, cold and unhappy toddlers out to the park or to splash in puddles.

Maybe I'm giving the DH too much leeway but honestly, I would wait until the summer months before hammering him for being absolutely useless.

The NHS recommends 3 year olds get 3 hours of physical exercise including outdoor time everyday. At least an hour should be vigorous exercise. If you are blessed with a big garden it might be fine to achieve this at home. But for lots of families that means taking a 3 yo out daily should be the norm.

It's all of it really.

1. He needs to take them out more for all their sakes; a playgroup or class a few mornings and playground or park a few afternoons.
2. Spend lunchtime properly with them if you can; no need to be trapped upstairs but take full advantage of being physically near them.
3. They just love you, so they will yell for you if they think it works. Do a full goodbye as though you are leaving the house when you go to work, and big hugs hello when you "get back".

Thank you, I think this is a really balanced approach.

I know it would be unreasonable to expect him to be out all day but it's pretty awful that your DH doesn't take the kids out. It's no good for their development or psychological and emotional health to be stuck inside all day. As a one off, sure, but it sounds like he's in a really unhealthy habit of just not bothering.

I would find it very hard to take a 3 year old and a 1 year old out on my own.
Mine are similar in age and because they're both walking and one has ASD, it would be carnage out and about with just one adult.

I would try and stock up as much as you can in the home office. I do the same and have a thermal mug of tea on the go, a glass of water and an energy drink so don't need to go anywhere for a while. Oh and biscuits!

Its not forever, just gotta do what you gotta get through the day :)

My husband works from our home office every day and we have a small house.

Toddler in nursery 3 days a week. The other two he has noise cancelling headphones and accepts that our house is our home and toddler has to be free to play and make noise. However, I always make sure we spend the whole morning out of the house. Often we even stay out for lunch and come home after that. It's only fair.

It gives my husband peace and quiet for the whole day because when we come home toddler is tired out and will play more contentedly for the afternoon. If we stayed in the entire day he'd be hyper. It's fair on the toddler to go out because he needs it, it's fair on my husband and it's also fair on me. I don't want to be cooped up with a toddler who's getting more and more wound up as they've not been out for a run around the park and some much needed fresh air.

See this from both sides.

Firstly 1 and 3 isn't easy to take out - but it is possible to maybe he just needs some help to get out. Ie bag packing etc.safe playgrounds that are fenced in. I had a list of places I felt safe at.

Next for you - when I went back to work and my partner took time off my youngest just didn't understand why I was in the office so I used to hide, my partner brought cups of tea up and I had my lunch when the 1 year old napped. Otherwise there would be tantrums. It got easier as he got older.

Why are people talking in absolutes? It's not about taking your children out all day every day at all. Its about can't be bothered to go anywhere with them, not even a couple of hours outdoors. Slumped around whilst they're on screens. This 'every day' narrative is just lazy cant be asked people swerving the conversation to suit.

Same with people aiming they cant get out of the door with 2 children. Many of us had to, no choice - its about getting up early and getting yourself organised, get yourself ready + pack the DCs stuff before they're awake. Not always easy to do if you're not an early riser and aren't naturally organised but it can be done if you face facts and work on it.

I don't feel children have to be out and 'doing' every single day actually. Home play is alright (not screens all day, however). But never taking them anywhere?! Continue your lazy slob race to the bottom and just go

@ChasingRainbows8 I had the same job when mine were very small. Obviously the assessments, observations etc had to be carried out during normal working hours, but then the writing (and any reading of supporting documents) I did mostly in the evenings when they were asleep.

WFH has meant that I've been a significant part of my son's life, where I could of missed out on so much.

Noise cancelling headphones can handle those times where you need to concentrate.
Establishing & you enforcing a no-go area helps too.

Either WFH isn't for you or you need change of your mindset.

When my 2 were toddlers I found it harder staying in than going out. I always found they went wild if we didn’t go anywhere. Would do him good to get them out of the house, even just for a walk around the block.

Your dh's "job", and it is an important one, during the working day is raising the dc. That means putting their needs above his preference to stay at home.

They need mental stimulation, development opportunities, exercise and some sunlight every day with perhaps the occasional day at home with activities such as painting, playing in garden, learning to dress in preparation for being more independent at school etc! Going out could be anything from taking them to the park or even the supermarket, they are both learning experiences with the latter being a bonus to take pressure off you working full time. He should be thinking about their development and what they need.

I would be having a very frank conversation and would tell him I thought he was letting them down and perhaps the setup needed rethinking, he gets a job and they go to a more stimulating environment more often. Don't let it drag on and on so they spend years in this situation.

As for your WFH, the dc will get used to it if you consistently say bye and go to your workspace and dad can tell them when you will be back, perhaps use a groclock or something so they know when you are coming back either for lunch or when you finish work. Again it is your dh's jobs to find ways to manage their behaviour and expectations as that is the role he has agreed to.

I think you have to normalise being there but working,if dc see you making a drink and have a tantrum then dh as the child carer has to deal with that like any other tantrum, you can't be expected to be stuck in a room all day long!

On the flip side yabu in expecting him to take then out, you have to let him parent in his own way. Our local pubs allows you to work there for £10 and includes 5 coffees. There is a nearby business hub too that has WiFi and hot desks,maybe see if there is anything near you? Could you occasionally work from a friend or relatives?

What job do you do?

Could you condense your hours and then finish early?

Part of the appeal of WFH for people is so they can spend more time with their kids.
I personally would hide in my office all morning and then spend your lunch break with your kids, before leaving to go back to the ‘office’.

They might cry at first but they will start getting used to it, just like if you did have an office job.

They don’t need to do activities every day but a walk or run around the park would be nice for them and I would encourage DH to do this.
Some activities also give him a bit of a break too!

Also invest in some headphones or put the radio on to try and drown out the noises downstairs.

Your house is a home first and foremost. DH WFH longer than necessary after COVID lockdowns. I had a 1,3 and 8 year old at the time. It wasn't nice to feel I had to tiptoe around our home because he wanted it to be his office. I told him to go back to the office. However not raking kids out at that age is really quite detrimental to them long term. They need to go to activities, the park, soft play, toddler groups etc. 2 days a week at nursery isn't really enough stimulation for them and not fair on them to miss out so much development opportunities.

I always took my kids out every morning to activities or toddler groups at that age. Home for lunch which dh had with us. Afternoon was often nap time for the youngest and the middle one would play quietly or we would read stories. It got very noisy in my house when the oldest came home from school.

How about getting a kettle in your room so at least you can have a cup of tea without the littleones seeing you?
It would be very hard for your dh to keep two toddlers quiet all the time.
Could you spend lunch times with them so they don’t feel so cut off?

I haven't read the responses and I believe he should be taking them out for fresh air/exercise/change of scenery where possible, however I just wanted to chime in with this...

Re: tea on the days he doesn't take them out, keep a cheap kettle in your office with a few teabags and a cup, put some milk in a thermos or insulated bottle to keep it cool for the day. You can make tea in your office, easy peasy.

Totally he should take them out. It’ll be good for him too. But definitely good for the children. They need the fresh air and exercise then they are much quieter indoors. I’m sorry. I don’t really know what you can do about it except know you are right! It’s very hard for you to not be around for your one year old. It’s the best age and they grow so so quickly. Does your husband like being the one in charge of childcare? It seems he’s being a bit passive aggressive as he must know you want him to take them out as he must know you are suffering.
sounds like there are other issues.

Oh dear god. Another family trying to make it work without routines.

Children respond very well to routines. Even 1 year olds. They love to join in.

Have a wake up time, getting dressed time, breakfast time, outside/inside activity time (toddler group, park, play centre), lunch time, preferably learning activity time (and it can be a game, like trying to use tongs to pick up pasta or painting), nap time, followed by definite phyisical activity time, walking/football/running around, followed by teatime, tv time, bathtime, bedtime.

Have you ever wondered how nursersies keep children engaged and on schedule throughout the day? It's called routines and children knowing and expecting what comes next.

(But they also have the advantage of a team of adults following the same routines.)

If mum or dad is not up to the job, they need to go out to work to pay for proper childcare,

Keep your children, busy, engaged and following routines. Make sure they have plenty of sleep and rest and physical activity. And you'll see the best of them.

Oh, yawn. Not the same at all.

It’s on him to ensure they get some fresh air every day! Staying in all day is not good for anyone in this equation.

I'm a SAHM and I take the children out every day. Even just an hour to our local parks. I'd Look for groups/classes even local church groups that are free or a few pounds so that every day he had something to do for at least an hour. He might feel awkward about going because he's dad but so beneficial for everyone. Just book them in for him.

But if he’s their carer surely he should be taking them out most days?

I don’t take my kids out every day when I’m in the thick of being an at home parent with young children. I would expect them to be taken out some times though- maybe agree with Dh you’ll stay upstairs between certain times and you’ll come downstairs for snacks at the best time to take them out 😁