Trapped working from home with toddlers.

[ChasingRainbows8]

I have a job that is partly working from home, in that I do an assessment and have to then write a report for court from home. My DH has taken on the role of childcare, as we have a DD who is 1 and a DD who is 3.

I work from an upstairs office, if I am seen or heard by the 1 year old, it starts a huge tantrum, so I am basically trapped upstairs. DH never takes them out, they are always just milling around downstairs. They do go to nursery on a Wed/Thurs but I can't plan to do all of my work on those days. AIBU to expect that DH should take them out for some of the day? It is so distracting to try to work with the noise of them both climbing the walls. I have tried working from a café, which is fine but was getting expensive.

Any tips on making a work from home arrangement with two toddlers in the house workable? I always feel like I am either stuck in the room or causing hell if I dare to go down to make a cup of tea.

Everybody struggled with 2 toddlers when out and about! I had 2 with adhd and autism. At the beach one (to meet friends, I’d never have taken them there on my own) and both boys ran off in different directions while I held their youngest brother.

i could fill a book with the disasters we had “out and about” but children need to go out almost every day.

Interestingly, there's another thread running at the moment from a SAHM who is really struggling because her DH wants to start WFH full-time. The replies there are very much on the side of the SAHP.

I think you're right, part of my frustration is listening to them climbing the walls and knowing how I spent my maternity leave walking, going to groups or even just trips to the shop. I need to try to approach this with DH without making him jump onto the defence.

I would tackle that separately to the issue of you working from home full-time.

Because, realistically, even if he took them out everyday, it wouldn't necessarily coincide with the times you wanted to use the kitchen or take your lunch break.

Toddlers should go out most days - maybe not every single day (especially if you have a garden) but most days to the park or something at least. Is he maybe not very confident taking them out? Does he feel a bit left out being a dad at lots of mum and baby/toddler groups?

That’s my thread and I’m actually not a SAHP.

I agree children should be taken out daily but for their benefit, not to enable someone to WFH,

Your DH needs to take them out, for at least half the day, for their own benefit. The kids must be climbing the walls with boredom and energy! And you do need to start enforcing with your kids that you are working.

Oops, not sure why I thought you were, sorry!

This. I’ve sympathy for the OP finding it challenging to work but if this was a man saying “I work from home and my wife doesn’t take the toddlers out often enough, I want some peace and also I just think she’s being lazy”, he’d be told on no uncertain terms that he should work in an office or find a co-working space if he wanted some peace to work in and doesn’t he realise how fucking hard it is looking after a one-year-old and a three-year-old, she’s probably on her knees just coping getting through the day, you unsupportive cunt.

I used to have this situation. Toddler absolutely could not see me. I just packed up snacks and a thermos and settled into my workspace for the day. DH would deliver supplies if needed.

If you are bothered by noise, get some noise cancelling headphones.

DH and I both wfh and the rule always was that it is first a home. Unless we were on an extraordinarily important conference call, the family did not have to do anything to accommodate.

He should take them out. But for their benefit, not because they're distracting you from your work. That is not his issue to solve while he's doing the childcare and you're wfh.

Hiding upstairs all day is awful, I go to the office everyday to avoid this feeling trapped.

OP what about a coworking space? They often have private phonebooths as well as proper desk setups, tea and coffee etc?

You can often get these for cheaper than paying to sit in a coffee shop all day. Could you not do a couple of days in one of these, then wfh on the days the kids are out and work around them on the other day?

Yes your DH should be taking them out some of the time, but it can't be all day every day or that will end up costing a fortune.

I'm self employed working from home now, and have been the SAHP (More student/SAHP/Etsy seller combo) in the past. It's a difficult balance and one that had been discussed many times on here and in magazines etc.

The house's main purpose is a home, and IMO the onus is on the WFH person to make the greater compromise, as they are altering the house's use. And we all have days at home with young kids, binge watching Timmy Time or Octonauts. We went out often - zoos, local open air museum, the seaside etc. But these were rarely planned and I preferred a 'see how the day go' approach on nice weather days. I'd have refused to take them out if a child was fractious or the day looked a bit shit.

Can you make an office space outside of the home? In a garage or pimped-up shed? Or hire space in one of those flexi-offices? Maybe get a kettle and mini-fridge in your home office now, and get noise-cancelling headphones/ear defenders (yes I've used them while working).

Once again for those at the back, the op didn’t say the kids aren’t being taken out enough. She said ‘at all’. Yes it’s hard looking after two toddlers. It’s harder if you keep them inside all day!

At least half the day?! I agree it’s a good idea to get them out and about daily, but it doesn’t need to be for long periods of time, and actually that’s fairly impractical (where do you take toddlers for hours on end, x3 days per week, every week), not to mention exhausting. Things like playgroups, a trip to the park, running errands etc are good but these are usually only an hour or two at a time.

Really interesting to read everyone's comments. I think I will look for a work space for a day a week, but also approach DH about having some structured activities to get them out of the house to benefit them. I do find listening to them hard, maybe I'll have to try out some noise cancelling headphones!

I certainly don't want them out of the house all day. We have a huge garden, which is almost never used...well DH uses it when the DC are at nursery. Working on the youngest DD's understanding of me being at work would help, the oldest DD totally gets it now and just says "bye mum" when I go upstairs.

True although the op said if she is seen or heard by her child then all hell breaks loose so even if he took them out to a playgroup or something every morning for a couple of hours, she would still feel trapped in her office for the rest of the day.

But (again), that's got nothing to do with her being disturbed while she WFH.

Even if her DH did take them out everyday, she would still get disturbed because they're toddlers and toddlers make noise, have tantrums and are too young to understand that mummy can't play or give them a cuddle when she pops to the kitchen to make a sandwich or a drink.

I was going to say this. Take lunch as if you were going out to work and a flask. Plus at that age can’t you quietly nip to loo or “surprise!” them by pretending you have just popped in to say hello & use the loo/whatever? Anyway yes if not torrential rain/stormy he will benefit from going out too and maybe now is a good time to suggest gardening a little patch for the children to dig/explore bugs etc. are there any weekly groups he could regularly take them to or swimming maybe?

A SAHM wouldn't stay in all day every day with their kids. Let's be honest.

Well if OP’s work is upstairs then the husband’s work is with the children, and in my opinion he’s not doing a great job if he’s just letting them roam about all day with no structure and stimulation. Young children need to get out at least once a day, unless there’s a very good reason then it’s just laziness and poor planning not to. we don’t have a garden so we are out a lot in the park or playground etc but even if we did, we’d still be out at classes/library/shops/softplay of a morning. Home for lunch and nap then another outing in the afternoon even if just to watch the trains or splash in puddles. I’ve done it all on really low budgets too when we can’t afford the classes or soft play so that’s no barrier, it’s just part of a day with young children.

Of course they would. And they're not in everyday - they're at nursery two days a week and presumably go out with both parents at weekends. Three days a week at home really doesn't sound horrendous to me.

Sounds awful to me when mum is trapped upstairs trying to work and would probably like to come down for lunch etc. It's bad parenting to keep your kids inside for 3 full days a week every week. Unless you have lots planned. These are toddlers they need stimulation and learning activities.

@fieldsofbutterflies if you can’t understand that taking toddlers out for at least part of the day would lead to the op not being stuck in her office ALL of her working hours, and not being disturbed at least during the times the kids are out, then I can’t help you.

I don’t know why the op is expected to make adjustments like taking a packed lunch, or using headphones, to facilitate her husband to not look after his toddlers properly.

Well it would absolutely be a legitimate concern, whether someone was WFH or not. You can't be a SAHP (male or female) and not take your kids out. They won't be ready for school if you don't.

OP, I'd encourage him to go to local playgroups. Get him to contact your Councils Family Infirmation Service. They should be able to provide you with a list of groups locally in churches etc.