Trapped working from home with toddlers.

[ChasingRainbows8]

I have a job that is partly working from home, in that I do an assessment and have to then write a report for court from home. My DH has taken on the role of childcare, as we have a DD who is 1 and a DD who is 3.

I work from an upstairs office, if I am seen or heard by the 1 year old, it starts a huge tantrum, so I am basically trapped upstairs. DH never takes them out, they are always just milling around downstairs. They do go to nursery on a Wed/Thurs but I can't plan to do all of my work on those days. AIBU to expect that DH should take them out for some of the day? It is so distracting to try to work with the noise of them both climbing the walls. I have tried working from a café, which is fine but was getting expensive.

Any tips on making a work from home arrangement with two toddlers in the house workable? I always feel like I am either stuck in the room or causing hell if I dare to go down to make a cup of tea.

Near me we have a number of offices that you can hire as one offs or pay a monthly fee for hot desking. Do you have anything like that available to you?

we currently have hot desking in an office space and they have little Booths for online meetings. We have to be on a Monday then it’s personal choice… I go in more in the holdiays

So is your DH a SAHP? What about toddler groups? I think a 1 year old and a 3 year old may need to attend nursery more especially the eldest DC.

Why can't you just buy a tiny kettle and make a packed lunch?

He's happy with the way things are, though, it's the OP who wants it to change.

I think if this was a thread by a SAHM whose WFH husband was complaining about how she was raising two toddlers alone, she would be getting a fuckton of sympathy tbh.

I have a very very similar job, or potentially the same job, and I absolutely cannot work if my little one is at home. That said, I do view that as a me problem and find somewhere else to work.

As a SAHM my first thoughts are if your partner is coping and if they are ok / happy with this arrangement and if they are feeling depressed or overwhelmed with it all. Some of my lowest ever times have been as a SAHP of 2 young children and sometimes getting out the house felt too overwhelming for me. (I might be totally wrong here though and he could be very happy and just doesn’t feel the need to get them ready and sorted with all the effort it takes when they are contained at home!)

You are working in their home, don't be so selfish. Rent an office to work in.

He does need to take them out somewhere most days for their benefit rather than yours!

I do agree that it’s a home rather than an office but when mine were that age I couldn’t have faced a whole day in the house. Does he just happily ignore them, and then leave you to do the then difficult (because they aren’t tired) bedtime?

Does he see himself as just babysitting, ie literally just getting to the end of your work time, rather than parenting, which involves thinking about the stage that comes after?

Or just spend the money on being in a cafe, but that’s probably similar to the money he’d spend taking them to soft play or similar- but with soft play you get the benefit of them being tired!

I imagine it’s so distracting for you because you’re thinking they’re having a miserable time!

I agree. You need to be doing this work in a confidential space. He needs to take the children out if it's not possible for you to work in a designated office at work premises.

Do people really not know how to keep their children active and engaged at home? Do you not play, bake, draw, run around, do puzzles, read, talk and talk and talk some more? Why do people equate being home with being on screens?

I see this as two different issues (and I see some PPs have said the same).

Issue one is that they’re getting in your way and disturbing you while you’re working - to that I say you’re working in their home and should work around them (which could mean getting the little one used to you popping in and out, or working elsewhere some of the time, or taking snacks and kettle into your home office).

Issue two is whether you feel he’s doing a good job as a SAHP and whether he and the children are happy and healthy with their current routine. Would you have any objections to his parenting if you were working outside the home? Can he go back to work and you be the SAHP if you’d be better suited to it than he is?

I would have been a terrible SAHP, personally. Not everyone is temperamentally suited to it. I used to take DS out most days in maternity leave simply because my mental health was so bad and I couldn’t bear being at home all day. But on some days I couldn’t face the world and we stayed in. Maybe he’s struggling and you need to find a different solution together?

But it's not an office - it's their home. If she can't work there with two toddlers then it's on her to find an alternative.

Noise cancelling headphones are a no-brainer while you think about renting a desk / garden office etc!

It is a home first, and yes it is hard when they kick off when you come down but you both have to compromise here.

DH should be taking them out for at least part of the day because they need it for stimulation. Yes fine they need down time too so the odd day they might be at home for the day, but in general I would expect them to be out for at least a walk once a day. I don't really see how he's not taking them out just in the normal routine of life - surely he needs to go to the shop, the post office etc sometimes?? And you need to come down to make drinks and just accept the youngest will kick off for 5 mins.

You also need to accept that it is noisy trying to work with kids at home. I wear noise cancelling headphones which helps.

The alternative shouldn't be a public space.

This is all great but absolutely needs to be balanced with getting out and doing things outside.

Also do bear in mind, not everyone has the facilities to ‘run around’ (SURELY if you want to do that you go outside?!) in their home. Or bake for that matter. Fantastic if you do.

You can also ‘talk and talk some more’ outdoors, and what’s so good about that is that there are always new things to point at and look at and talk about.

i honestly think some parents here are happy to pretend we are still in the middle of the pandemic, no matter how detrimental that might be to their children.

100% this.

Ridiculous and lazy/poor parenting.

Church groups cost next to nothing. I went to one today it had a bouncy castle?! Squash and snacks for kids and a tea /coffee and biacuit / fruit for me.

if you’re writing reports for court, do these contain confidential information? If so, it may not be appropriate/in compliance with your professional duties to be writing them on our laptop in a public space.

You really cannot be out all day with two little children.

It is as detrimental to them as being in all day is.

The fundamental problem to me here is that he is an absolutely shit lazy parent.

It is absolutely terrible parenting to not take your kids out.

Yes, it's hard. But if it's so hard that you're incapable of it, then don't have two kids so close together in age. It isn't fair on them if their parent is unable to do anything with them.

It would be far better off for your dc for your dh to accept he's out of his depth, go to work, and get them in a nursery where they will actually do something.

I was going to mention that thread.

One of the replies was along the lines of 'he's working in your home.'

It's the same here.

You are working in their home. It's sad that your partner doesn't take them out but then if he did, chances are , the times won't fit in with your needs

To those that say 'go to a library,' my daughter works in a library and the staff are fed up of all the wfh types who hog the desks for hours on end. Casual users can't get a look in . Senior citizens can't come in to read the newspapers/magazines , AND the wfh folk complain whenever tables are booked out for clubs and societies.

You do not need to go downstairs?? Surely you can have a small travel kettle upstairs to make tea/coffee? What else do you need? Whatever it is- take it upstairs. Presume loo is upstairs?

Can you have a kettle/tea/coffee upstairs so you can get a drink?

Can you take a lunch break and all have lunch together before going back to work?

Are your hours set - could you take them for a walk for 30 minutes in your lunch break but then explain you are going back to work.

Try and see the benefits of being home too and if you're not on calls play some music so you don't hear them so much.

On the one hand I think he should take them out, this is perfectly reasonable. But given that finding low cost activities these days is tricky aside from park etc , you’d probably spend the same on a coworking space, which may work better for you actually. (Providing it has the necessary privacy etc that you need) .