Trapped working from home with toddlers.

[ChasingRainbows8]

I have a job that is partly working from home, in that I do an assessment and have to then write a report for court from home. My DH has taken on the role of childcare, as we have a DD who is 1 and a DD who is 3.

I work from an upstairs office, if I am seen or heard by the 1 year old, it starts a huge tantrum, so I am basically trapped upstairs. DH never takes them out, they are always just milling around downstairs. They do go to nursery on a Wed/Thurs but I can't plan to do all of my work on those days. AIBU to expect that DH should take them out for some of the day? It is so distracting to try to work with the noise of them both climbing the walls. I have tried working from a café, which is fine but was getting expensive.

Any tips on making a work from home arrangement with two toddlers in the house workable? I always feel like I am either stuck in the room or causing hell if I dare to go down to make a cup of tea.

Where does it say they do the same things all the time?

I really don't think staying home three days a week is a massive deal.

He hasn't been using the garden because he doesn't like them getting muddy, which I think is part of the fun of being a toddler. They have a play house, a slide and a mud kitchen plus lots of garden toys.

i think it’s a divide, I wouldn’t do it. We live in a flat with no garden though and I have a two year old who was perhaps a working springer spaniel in a previous life. There’s only so much you can do with that indoors. I know that’s the case for lots of my friends with children too. I truly think it’s hugely beneficial to structure your day around being outside at least once. Lockdown was a long time ago, thank god.

Children do not need to be constantly out of the house. They can learn and grow at home just as well as being out. Sure, occasional outings are necessary, but not daily.

I have never understood the obsession some people have with going out. Is it just because of small homes? Is it because they themselves feel confined at home?

Personally I can't think of anything worse than being forced out of the house with toddlers every day of the week, lol. As you say, we're all different.

You may have hit the nail on the head...I hate being confined to a home 😳

To be fair @Ponderingwindow there is a difference between ‘constantly out of the house’ and ‘never leaving the house’, even if it is just going to a soft play or tumbletots or something

But I would generally say WFH and preschool children are poor bedfellows.

I think the children need to learn that you work from home though. Packing lunch etc is slightly ridiculous.

My dh has always worked full time from home, and it’s completely normal for my 3 year old.
Mine is now at nursery before lunch term time, and home all day in holidays (we have long holidays here ie 3 months summer, 1 month Easter etc). On days he’s home I tend to try and take him out most mornings 9-12 somewhere so it’s a bit quieter.

We always have lunch together though as a family. Dh stops work and joins us for an hour. After lunch we spend a lot of time in garden, or out locally on bikes/ scooter/ walk in woods. But also some afternoons stay indoors if miserable.

I would make a point of stopping and joining everyone for lunch. And encourage dh to take them outside at least an hour or so each morning, then again he pop out with them at least a walk around block with dolls pram mid afternoon or at least into garden

It sounds like you need a garden office, and DH needs to get them out most days for an hour or two to burn off some of their energy.

Going out and about is important stimulation for young children. It expands their vocabulary, gives a broader range of experiences and socialisation than can be managed with loitering around the house all day.

of course Dh needs to take them out every day. That’s normal with young children. Once a day is nothing - could just be library or playgroup for a couple of hours. When mine were 1 and 3 I often took them out twice a day as the days are long and they simply don’t burn enough energy at home!

In terms of your wfh it does sound really tough. Some good suggestions but ultimately headphones and kids get used to seeing you occasionally. A workspace is an option if you can’t make it work.

I think you need to compromise a bit. I agree you should work outside the house on 1 extra day- then that can be his chill all day at home day. On the other days I think you should agree that your DH will take the kids to 1 activity each day, maybe one day a soft play or park, the other day to the shops/ library (mine did a singing session like rhyme time), or a class which works for them both. If he doesn’t take them out then tell him he has a choice, you’ll either be in and out of the kitchen and he deals with the aftermath, or he can bring you food and drink on demand!

In all seriousness could you also set yourself up a tea/ snack station upstairs and/ or get lunch when they nap too?

And are they bunged in front of the tv all day while he’s on his phone? Or is ‘climbing the walls’ another way of saying ‘playing noisily because they’re full of energy’? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not arguing they shouldn’t go out - just that it’s not unreasonable to stay in sometimes. Their activities should suit the SAHP and the children’s needs, not be organised with the WFH parent in mind.

I was wondering if you have a link to the thread? Would love to read- SAHM here with partner WFH full time!

Definitely sounds like 30 mins in the garden is a basic requirement, do they have suitable clothes?

It's not good for children to be stuck at home all day. They need an activity each morning and afternoon either going to a local park or just doing some errands or a singalong session at the library. DH isn't doing childcare very well if he's just letting them make do at home with no excursions.

But also he could bring you a cuppa if you need one and you going downstairs would cause problems.

Sorry, I got it wrong when I posted about it originally - the OP isn't a SAHP but was still dreading the idea, lol. I think it's on AIBU somwhere.

I really don't think anyone should be telling a SAHP that they "need" to be doing at least two activities out of the house each day.

I do think it's a bit different when the WFH parent doesn't have a free office they can use and do have a room away from the family (so not shushing them on calls etc).

Are you happy with how DH is looking after the children, ie not plonking them in front of the TV all day? Some time in the garden is good. Perhaps spend some time at the weekend in it and see if you can get into a bit of a routine going out before lunch or whatever works around naps.

If you're self employed - use it to join a gym and them work from there. That's what 90% of the people in the lounge at my gym seem to do anyway!

I definitely think out once a day is plenty. Especially when children are still napping.

if I am seen or heard by the 1 year old, it starts a huge tantrum

The more you hide away, the worse it will be. The one year old needs to get used to you being in the house and not always being in the same room. The more normal it becomes seeing you popping in and out, the less it will bother the baby.

He should take them out especially as it’s getting warmer. Kids need outdoor time.

I can't comprehend how on earth he's staying sane by not going out?! I used to get mine outdoors in all weathers - in the garden, going for walks, toddler groups. They're not getting much of a childhood if he's got them cooped up indoors watching screens all day.... and what's he actually doing while they're climbing the walls......

I think you need to talk to him about it, they'd be getting more development opportunities in nursery full time so he could go back to work if he doesn't enjoy the house husband role.

He needs to come up with some structure and routine to his days and that would enable you to plan around. I can't believe he manages to contain the children at home, mine would go stir crazy. He should look into going to toddler groups, library visit, park/woods etc and ideally have something on the morning he can go out to and meet other parents /children. He might find it less stressful than he thinks if he goes to toddler groups as the children will have other playmates. Then do lunch at home.