Trapped working from home with toddlers.

[ChasingRainbows8]

I have a job that is partly working from home, in that I do an assessment and have to then write a report for court from home. My DH has taken on the role of childcare, as we have a DD who is 1 and a DD who is 3.

I work from an upstairs office, if I am seen or heard by the 1 year old, it starts a huge tantrum, so I am basically trapped upstairs. DH never takes them out, they are always just milling around downstairs. They do go to nursery on a Wed/Thurs but I can't plan to do all of my work on those days. AIBU to expect that DH should take them out for some of the day? It is so distracting to try to work with the noise of them both climbing the walls. I have tried working from a café, which is fine but was getting expensive.

Any tips on making a work from home arrangement with two toddlers in the house workable? I always feel like I am either stuck in the room or causing hell if I dare to go down to make a cup of tea.

He isn't one to talk about feelings, but he's always positive about the arrangement when I ask him. He always sounds calm when I hear them, there's just alot of TV time.

If she said her kids were home.all day every day and she only took the kids out of the house on the weekends when her husband was about i do NOT think she'd get a fuckton of sympathy.

I think she'd get told what 95%+ of parents believe which is toddlers need to get out of the house at least once a day and she needs to sort it out.

Her expectation is very reasonable.
She's not insisting they roam the streets from 9am-6pm but honestly a trip to a playground, the ducks, the supermarket, a woodland, a library, a playgroup or softplay is not unusual or unreasonable.

I say this as a mother of 2 under 3 on mat leave with a husband who wfh.
He goes (mostly) unmolested and is left.to do his work. i go out every day for a few hours for errands or whatever

I never said it should? If working from home isn't "working", then it's on OP to find a suitable alternative, even if that means paying.

I think he sees it as parenting, when I talk about his childhood it sounded very similar. No activities, he never learnt to swim, spent most days paying computer games. Maybe his experience just means he parents differently.

They're not home all day everyday, though.

They're at nursery two days a week and go out at the weekends.

You're going to have to rent one of those work spaces.
Your home isn't it place of work really.

So? Everybody wins!

anyway when op says: “part of my frustration is listening to them climbing the walls and knowing how I spent my maternity leave walking, going to groups or even just trips to the shop.” It does seem as though she thinks he’s not making an effort (and so do I).

Right. So. Given your latest post. He's happy because he's on his phone all day whilst they are on screens.
He's not depressed, he's not baking with them/talking to them/whatever else that poster said - he is just a selfish parent who his putting his own desires ahead of his children's well being, growth and happiness.

I don't think you're unhappy because it's hard for you to work from home. I think you're unhappy because you chose badly, don't want to accept that he's a selfish excuse for a parent, and are this looking for ways to deflect so that you don't have to consider that.

Harsh. It's true he isn't the type to bake or do activities, he is extremely hands on in terms of care such as meals, night wakes, he stays up all night if they are poorly, we split bedtimes and he does plenty of jobs around the house. I just wish he would take them out of the house really.

It sounds more and more like you just have different parenting styles and personalities, rather than he's doing anything "wrong" as such - you hate being cooped up in the house and like being out and about, he's a homebody who is happy with a quieter life in the house.

I actually think it can be good for children to experience both parenting styles. My dad was the outdoorsy/active one when I was growing up whereas my mum preferred to do things like board games or puzzles. I loved both and knew that being with mum meant X and dad meant Y. It was fine.

Well, lots of us do have preferences of wanting to be at home or out and about doing things but the key thing is, you need to strike a balance, and also remember that we generally want to do what’s best for our children above what we might prefer to do. The world is new to them. They generally quite like getting out and seeing bits of it. They learn a lot from being out and about. There are only benefits, really, and I’m sorry but any parent who says otherwise is most likely just putting themselves first.

He doesnt take them out at all? Not even a couple of times a week to local library, park, museum, soft play, child friendly cafe?

He is a lazy fucker. If a woman posted her husband was working upstairs and she was sat downstairs all day with 2 toddlers and never took them out, she'd be given short shrift on MN.

Even when a man isnt pulling his weight he is still deemed The Most Important, judging by some of the ridiculous comments on post.

He's a shit Dad, OP and that's your biggest issue. Is he just sat with the tv on all day? He won't even let them outside into their own garden? This wouldn't be acceptable if they were dogs...

But they do get out and about - the majority of the week is spent either at nursery or out with OP, who says she hates being stuck in the house all day and is happy to give him a break on weekends.

I would wager that most of us posting on here weren't taken out to activities or libraries or soft play every single day!

When does 1 year old nap? Can you not take advantage of that time to come out and take a break?

Maybe he needs to get a job. Then between you you can pay for decent child care from someone who understands child development and the need for fresh air, exercise, mental stimulation and socialising.

@porridgecake Is spot on. He either needs to learn about the needs of young children or he needs a job so the kids can not be raised in an impoverished environment. Fucking over their development isn't on because he doesn't fancy it.

It was harsh, sorry op. I'm just cross on yours and your dcs behalf's.
That stuff you listed he does do, great. It isn't enough. They need to see the outside, see other people, hear other people, climb a tree, jump in a puddle, go down a slide in to a pool, enjoy life, see what it's about. At 1 & 3 they have absolutely no need to be on screens. Maybe half an hour of peppa pig, tops.
There is a poster who is all over this thread who keeps saying inside is fine, but that's only if they're actually doing something!! These kids are not doing anything.

It isn't good enough to say oh he's a different parent to you.

He needs to step up big time.

The reason people should be sahp is to help their kids develop, not to lie around all day on their phones.

Very sensible answer @fieldsofbutterflies. DH and I have very different styles; I'm the one who will be outdoors for most of the day with my 3 year old DD on the two days I have at home with her during the week, whereas on the odd day DH is alone with her, they do not leave the flat.
It used to baffle me as she also seems to me to be a working springer spaniel made human who hates being cooped up all day, but actually I've come to realise she loves her TV days with her dad.

Me thinking she goes crazy staying at home all day was actually a reflection on my own behaviour and temperament; because I felt stifled and oppressed staying at home with her for hours on end, I became more snappy and impatient, and as a result our indoor days were much less successful than our outdoors ones.
DH upbringing has also been very different, living in a house with a garden where there were a lot of indoor days with the occasional use of the garden, whereas I was living in a flat that really was more of a base for outdoor days as no space to run around, bake or cook being messy or else. He was living in a village and I in a big city.

So just to say that all this runs a lot deeper than you might think OP, goes back to your own upbringing, what you think is best for your child's development.

Tldr; I'm still firmly in the camp of being outside everyday hugely benefits the child, but realised this assumption had as much to do with my own upbringing and what I think is better parenting than any objective rationalisation based on my child's happiness. It would drive me upset though if I had to witness my DH being 3 days a week without going at all, I would be judgmental of that.

Bottom line: you prob dislike WFH too, which is awful when you can hear your kids, and would be the biggest beneficiary of another solution that doesn't involve you staying at home. Your children are happy with their dad at home for a few days, given the variety of the weekends and nursery for half of the week.

I'm sorry to burst your narrative that you're desperate to cling to @fieldsofbutterflies, but yes, good parents do take their kids out for fresh air daily.

I have a ndn who never takes her toddler out most days. I find it weird as children that age need to be out and about.

Hopefully OP your DH can come up with a plan together with you. Can you make up a flask of tea?

I'm not desperate to cling to anything I just don't agree that it's essential for children to be outside every single day, no matter what.

IMO, whether someone is a good parent or not comes down to a lot more than whether they happen to take their child outdoors once every arbitrary 24 hour period.

This. I voted YANBU because, although I would agree with the ‘house first before it’s a home’ and he definitely doesn’t have to tiptoe round you when they are home, he should be taking them out for their own benefit.

Thanks @Anametolove - I totally agree with what you say about how it's easy to project your own preferences onto your DC as well.

My dad is in his seventies now and still goes out running every day - he very much raised me in the way he liked (lots of outdoor activities, getting mucky etc) whereas my mum preferred the odd day at home (and still does). Neither of them were wrong, just different, and personally I'm glad that my childhood was a mix of both kinds of days.

It isn't 1 day a week, it's 3 days a week that these poor 1&3 yo kids are cooped up inside for. And. On screens. Doing nothing else. Not even in garden. Confirmed by op.

Do you really think that's good parenting @fieldsofbutterflies ?