Gynaecologist remark to DH

[Gyneapologist]

in response to my dh saying he wanted me to have an MRI so he could stop worrying about me “I get it mate, you want to trade her in for a younger model’. We were both 😲

male, 60s and also an oncologist as this was a post-cancer appointment. Im
53 btw.

I feel equally humiliated and outraged
as well as lost for words. It was a quip and I’m sure many will say it’s harmless but I think it speaks to the culture of misogyny in the NHS. For context, I requested an appointment in regards to on-going pain from a serious post-surgery infection.

Oncologists are medical doctors, if this man is head of surgery I assume he is a surgeon not an oncologist? Not that it is in any way an excuse, but surgeons are not known for their skill in dealing with unanaesthetised patients (though of course some are excellent and can actually talk to patients like humans). Was there not a nurse in the consultation? It sounds horrendous.

"traditional" meaning ... ?

That is outrageous! To say something like that is very unprofessional and lacks any empathy about how you must be feeling. I would complain and ask to see someone else in the future.

I do wonder if the people (who have missed the point entirely) who are questioning the husband being there, have been through the devastation of cancer. It is invaluable to have someone at your side to help you to process all the information. How utterly ridiculous to question this.

@Gyneapologist 'misogyny is endemic in the NHS, it’s embedded in the hierarchy and the attitude to women’s’ pain. It’s changing but slowly. Alas there was an ‘apprentice’ sitting in on my appointment (male), so I imagine that shit is still filtering down'

OP. You describe one incident in one hospital, in one trust, in years of treatment. I have to disagree with you and can only assume your trust has a poor record for this sort of thing. Such an attitude would never be tolerated, in our local trusts.

You assert that misogyny is endemic in the NHS but I can only say that my experience has been quite the opposite over years of oncology, radiology, surgery. Certainly dinosaur men exist, but I don't find that they are the norm.

We must agree to disagree.

He is a Gynaecologist Oncologist 🤷‍♀️

no, no nurse there. There was a male ‘apprentice’ as he was referred to - I assume a medical student

What the fuck's that got to do with anything?

I don't think the whole of the NHS needs a label, but certainly this Dr.
Definitely complain about the comment he made, it was rude and unnecessary

Jesus this is in no way harmless and I'd be furious if it were said to or about me.

It's difficult in the moment as you're naturally feeling vulnerable in that sort of scenario and environment but absolutely do report it if you feel able to.

As for the strange person asking why your DH accompanied you, I'm sorry your partner is so shit that they wouldn't want to support you.

How to tell us you haven’t had cancer, without telling us you haven’t had cancer.

Also ‘playing devil’s advocate’ doesn’t give one freedom to simply be a twat.

Dreadful thing to say in any situation but incomprehensible in this one. What did your husband say to him?

What a fucking offensive, insensitive and downright stupid thing to say.

You think wanting a bit of emotional support and backup from someone you love and trust, at an ONCOLOGY appointment, is a sign that someone might not be 'competent and independent' and that they must be a 'traditional' couple?

Learn some fucking empathy.

In the real world, where normal people live, people of both sexes often want to take a partner, parent, sibling or friend with them to an appointment at which they might be receiving devastating news.

Also, even if they WERE a 'traditional couple' as you put it, the consultant's comment would still be an utterly inappropriate and disgusting thing to say. My bloody grandparents would have thought it was unacceptable. and they were born in 1910s.

OP, you should definitely complain. That sort of behaviour would be considered unacceptable by any NHS Trust, and it would also not meet the code of practice of the General Medical Council.

Interesting (in an appalling way) this still happens now. I would have called the Doctor out on this, you shouldn't feel "small and inadequate".
Complain.

Totally agree with this. You cannot knock the NHS over one individual

Just adding a WTAF to the most quoted comment of the day. I want my DH with me at appointments that are likely to be traumatic or have a lot of information I want him to also hear.

On the off chance you are in Scotland, I would consider reporting this to the police on the basis that it's threatening, abusive or insulting behaviour pertaining to age (now a protected characteristic).

I think it is dangerous for medics to harbour attitudes like this.

absolutely outrageous, please do complain.

At the time of you are feeling dismissed it’s really hard to call things out confidently and it’s only when you process them later on that’s it’s difficult.

It was an inappropriate comment. Sorry about your experience.

That's disgusting. I'm so sorry you experienced that, please put in a complaint. You're completely right, misogyny is rampant everywhere

Couldn’t agree more

I used to go into my late husband's consultations with him at his request.

OP complain!! that's disgusting

All the arrogant misogynists I've met in the NHS have been consultants. The power seems to go to their heads and they think they're lords of the universe.

Deeply ingrained medical misogyny and racial biases are routinely putting people in need of treatment at risk, the government’s patient safety commissioner in England has warned.
https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2024/feb/04/misogyny-and-racial-bias-routinely-putting-patients-at-risk-in-england-warns-nhs-safety-chief

I am an NHS consultant and there is some worrying stuff going on. Most trusts have a few senior people, often consultants who have hideous attitudes towards women. They use their power to humiliate and harass junior women colleagues. And nothing gets done. The women consultants in my trusts have done a lot of work to fight this over the last couple of years and raise the bar. But progress is slow and it’s all about protecting the poor male consultant.

It is not a great leap to see these sexist attitudes seep out into how a minority of male consulants treat women patients. I have seen it with my own eyes and heard horror stories from colleagues.

I would not be in a rush to disbelieve the OP. And even if it’s invented, the issue is a genuine one.