Gynaecologist remark to DH

[Gyneapologist]

in response to my dh saying he wanted me to have an MRI so he could stop worrying about me “I get it mate, you want to trade her in for a younger model’. We were both 😲

male, 60s and also an oncologist as this was a post-cancer appointment. Im
53 btw.

I feel equally humiliated and outraged
as well as lost for words. It was a quip and I’m sure many will say it’s harmless but I think it speaks to the culture of misogyny in the NHS. For context, I requested an appointment in regards to on-going pain from a serious post-surgery infection.

@Gyneapologist listening to you and reading @BeaRF75 comment, I do agree

I am sorry, you should be treated with the respect and dignity you deserve.

Good luck with your recovery.

Good Lord. Are people not allowed to have support with them for appointments? I work as a mental health nurse and unless there’s good reason why not (eg the partner has a history of aggression, or we think the patient would be open with us without their partner or family there) we’re fine with family members being present.

myself and my siblings took it in turn to go to hospital appointments when my mum was being treated for cancer.

Totally inappropriate and very offensive, primarily to you and also (to a lesser degree) your husband.

I think I too would have been too gobsmacked to say anything at the time, it would have taken a while to sink in. Please do complain, it's awful.

I'd be trading him in for a better bloody doctor. The cheek of him! And In a medical setting where he's supposed to be putting people at ease no less.

How on earth is this relevant to OP’s post?!!

Complain and refuse to be seen by that doctor again. That's a horrendous comment to make.

Competent and independent? Perhaps. Completely tactless and apparently oblivious to how you’re coming across? Definitely.

What is your definition of a ‘traditional couple’? Do you view yourself as a ‘modern couple’? Because taking your partner into a serious medical appointment for support isn’t something unusual or that only older couples who have been married for decades do. Most people do it. The fact that you wouldn’t want your husband in such an appointment with you in case he viewed you differently says more about your sense of self and your own marriage than it does the OPs.

And in what universe would that comment have been appropriate or acceptable even if the doctor had assumed that they were a ‘traditional couple’?

Patients nearly always need someone with them during consultations. Patients are usually worried and often not at their best. They often forget some of what has been discussed, it’s really advantageous to have someone else there.

The doctors comment was totally inappropriate, good job there were two of you there!!

My husband and I are probably what some would consider a traditional couple and this comment is still appalling. I don't know how the doctor's perception of the type of couple he's treating would make a vile, misogynistic comment like this ok? How does a couple being traditional justify it may I ask?

Wth what a thing to say

As a pp has said, it’s often advised at appts. where there may be bad news, or a lot of info to take in when the patient is likely to be under stress anyway.

Nothing to do with being seen as unable to cope.

Do you ever notice that the people who like to play devils advocate are often complete knobs? 🙄

It was an awful comment by your doctor. And yes sexism is rife in the NHS. Women are misdiagnosed or dismissed constantly, or not given pain medication (when in an equivalent situation men are).

Definitely complain OP, I'm so sorry he said that.

OP, I definitely think you should complain. It’s a dreadful thing to say even as a joke when you’re in perfect health, never mind when you’re going through something so serious. Completely unprofessional, even just calling your DH ‘mate’.

I’m glad you got your MRI and I hope it’s all good results so you and your DH can both have some peace of mind for a while 💐

This is absolutely horrendous and would be from anyone in pretty much any context but infinitely more so from a medical professional to someone who has been recently been treated for cancer. God knows what the hell he was thinking but I agree that you should report it or at least give him much needed "feedback." I wish you all the best in your recovery!

It’s a post-cancer appointment. Is it really beyond you to understand why? Seriously?

OP, I’d also complain. Anyone who says things like that in such an environment has a scant - if not non-existent - grasp of what’s appropriate.

I have seen from previous posts that you work in the NHS in a management role. Oh dear. That’s even more worrying then that you don’t understand why a spouse might attend a consultation.

Hopefully some of the explanations on this thread have educated you. Maybe you could add it to your personal development plan goals for the year.

I'd actually be complaining to both the hospital and the GMC.

Nothing about that is acceptable. Treating patients with respect and dignity is as important as the medical treatment provoded to them.

This doctor was clearly not looking at your as a person. His comment made that apparent.

@BeaRF75
I'm on my second cancer in two years and I now ALWAYS take someone in with me. During the first cancer I always went to appointments on my own and the poor, ageist, misogynistic treatment that I received off of male oncologists/doctors was off the scale.
I am a fully competent independent adult woman who has been left aged and in poor-ish health with chemo induced arthritis and excessive hair loss all over my body. Several doctors have told me that joint pain is only to be expected at my age and one asked me why I needed hair at my age. I am mid-50's. That doesn't include the lies and mistakes that I've suffered. No one has made me feel so small, distressed and insignificant as those doctors. So yes, I now take a bloody 'witness' with me to every sodding appointment. Your comments are really offensive and I hope that YOU never lose your competence and independence in this way - you should probably apologise but I bet that you won't.

@Gyneapologist I'm so sorry that you had to deal with this. Please make a complaint - at least you have a witness.

I didn’t realise VesperLind was an NHS Manager…. Agree, they need to work on their PDP

@MothralovesGojira I’m so sorry that you’ve been through similar - it’s very hard for others to believe that this can be the case but unfortunately it is . Sometimes I wonder if they’re so jaded by lack of resources that they end up hating the patients.

Fuck me. YANBU at all. What a bellend.

Jesus. That’s awful. I think nothing of my patients capabilities or marriage setup if they choose to bring a partner with them. It’s often encouraged because patients retain very little of a consultation even in the best of circumstances.

I would complain because that’s an appalling comment. And for those saying it speaks nothing of the nhs, perhaps not the entirety sure, but it is reflective of a particular problem that gynaecology rather ironically has.

@Gyneapologist
Please ignore vesperlind - they're one of those posters who throw a hand grenade and rarely come back but yes, they should perhaps know better if they work in the health management.
As for @BeaRF75 I'm starting to suspect that they also work in the NHS along with their medically qualified spouse who probably also lacks any empathy!