Gynaecologist remark to DH

[Gyneapologist]

in response to my dh saying he wanted me to have an MRI so he could stop worrying about me “I get it mate, you want to trade her in for a younger model’. We were both 😲

male, 60s and also an oncologist as this was a post-cancer appointment. Im
53 btw.

I feel equally humiliated and outraged
as well as lost for words. It was a quip and I’m sure many will say it’s harmless but I think it speaks to the culture of misogyny in the NHS. For context, I requested an appointment in regards to on-going pain from a serious post-surgery infection.

Report this comment made to your dh. Totally unprofessional and unacceptable.

Was there a nurse or any other healthcare professional present?

Yes, good point, and I'm sure sometimes when crass comments are made there is someone else present, but you do wonder whether they would have the courage to confirm it if they did hear it. We all know that organisations SAY they encourage whistleblowers to report anything inappropriate, but we also know the reality of how it can affect someone's life and career if they do. And I can well imagine the NHS is no exception to this.

The NHS is sadly treats whistleblowers terribly. Even when they’re eminent and relatively powerful Consultants. I wouldn’t count on it but I bet this guy does have a reputation for being an inappropriate knob. OP’s complaint won’t be the first I bet!

whats that got to do with anything?

@VesperLind perfectly normal after a cancer diagnosis. Why wouldn’t he be there?

Why wouldn’t he go? Maybe for support in a difficult situation?

‘I would want to be treated as the competent, independent person that I am’

your husband being there shouldn’t affect this (unless there is misogyny in the room!)

I would question my relationship if my partner didn’t want me there. Something to hide? Not bothered about the impact on my life?

Doesn’t matter if you’re independent or not - having someone there has more benefits for a variety of reasons. Someone there to discuss decisions (different angles/points of view)? Be a witness to what was said in case of discrepancies/complaints? Devastating news and the discussion went over your head? Or are you so independent and confident that these things would never affect you?

Seems weird to think that competent and independent people do not need emotional (or any type of) support - does that make them less competent and weak in your mind?

Because a lot of spouses would go with their husband and wife to appointments? Especially if it was serious or potentially serious

Any chance of you linking to that research please? I don’t doubt it for a moment but I’d be interested to see the research. Thanks.

I’d like to say I’m shocked by this but I’m not, sadly. I am very sorry it happened though.

I too am under surveillance following gynaecological cancer, my gynaecology oncology consultant is very kind and we sit and chat without a nurse present at times, they arrive in time for the examination, sad that people think they need to pull apart your posts 🙄.

Unfortunately, my negative experience has been more with a couple of the nurses, I was told my cancer was a different type to the type I actually had, over the phone before I’d had my f2f diagnosis, the type they told me was associated with much poorer outcomes, I had to come away from that call with no other info and nobody to ask. I also had an inappropriate comment made about my weight gain as well as being laughed at; as a visible side effect to the cancer surgery it has hit me hard as I see it when I look in the mirror or feel it in my clothes, it’s a constant reminder of the whole experience.

I’m independent and competent but my husband still attends my appointments, it’s perfectly normal and I'm glad to see many comments here that get that and the original point of your post, the comments made to you were completely unacceptable, and I’m sure much more common that people realise.

Some comments here have clearly come from people with no empathy who haven’t been touched by cancer, or they’re just foul people, either way they’re unimportant and you shouldn’t give them a second thought.

Here :) not resounding but still…

https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamasurgery/article-abstract/2786671

https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2023/aug/30/female-surgeons-patient-outcomes-better-studies

https://publishing.rcseng.ac.uk/doi/10.1308/rcsbull.2024.5#:~:text=It%20found%20that%20those%20treated,surgeon%2C%20anaesthetist%20and%20hospital%20characteristics.

https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2022/jan/04/women-more-likely-die-operation-male-surgeon-study 😓

Not sure why there are any comments at all about partner being present?? I see numerous patients every day and the majority of them bring a partner (if they've got one), and ive accompanied by husband to his appointments too. During lockdown when partners werent allowed to accompany them, it felt very strange and caused a lot of upset.
I just assumed that's totally normal...
At husbands appointment I've taken in information he hasn't and vice versa so it was useful...

Anyway I think the comment is rude and inappropriate. I'm sorry you had to hear it.

True.but some of the young ones are very patronising and ageist despite their training

Just to jump in on this one, in fact I noticed something on the BBC News highlights when I was on the internet yesterday. And it did say what the poster has mentioned. Sorry I can't give you any research reference, but I only saw it in passing and didn't have time to make a note of any further details.

And I think you lack any kind of empathy. I wonder if you'd regard it as 'just bants' if the same thing happened to you in that situation? Hmm...

(Work for the NHS by any chance?)

Batty, so sorry to hear about what you've been through and your experience with some of the medical professionals. People like this have very little (no) feelings for others and should be ashamed, but I doubt they are, as they would require a brain and some thought processes. Sadly, there are some people who seem to actually enjoy being thoughtless when interacting with those who are already worried.

Sending best wishes to you and hoping all goes well. 🌺

edited for typo

Oh hilarious, you must be so in demand at parties.

Come back and repeat that when you’ve been through cancer treatment 🙄. Until then you’ve no place commenting

You are correct, nothing surprises me anymore. Too many ignorant people around

And you are so modest, too! I suppose you have to praise yourself, because nobody else does...so sad.

Ignore Lambert. Clearly they’re not chilled and relaxed or they wouldn’t be shitting all over a thread like this for fun