Gynaecologist remark to DH

[Gyneapologist]

in response to my dh saying he wanted me to have an MRI so he could stop worrying about me “I get it mate, you want to trade her in for a younger model’. We were both 😲

male, 60s and also an oncologist as this was a post-cancer appointment. Im
53 btw.

I feel equally humiliated and outraged
as well as lost for words. It was a quip and I’m sure many will say it’s harmless but I think it speaks to the culture of misogyny in the NHS. For context, I requested an appointment in regards to on-going pain from a serious post-surgery infection.

About 15 years ago I sat in on a post operative mastectomy consultant appointment for my mother in law, at that time around 80 yo. He checked all round the area and saw that she'd been left with a large, unattractive, uncomfortable skinfold remaining in her armpit (that caught in her bra and clothing) - his extremely insensitive comment was " I don't think we'll do anything with that, after all, no-one's ever going to look there" - we were both too dumbfounded to respond in the moment. There seemed to be no consideration for her discomfort or of her feelings, and she was ultimately left with an uncomfortable flap for the rest of her life. I always wished I'd pushed mum on it, but she just wanted to forget it so that's what we did. I'll always regret that though.

Totally agree with LondonFox, this is neither a doctor or NHS bashing thread but one which recognises that there are deep-seated prejudices in the institution which have a very real impact on patients. I have been an AHP for over 20 years and it’s been an eye-opener for me to be on the ‘other’ side. Has definitely made me more compassionate

Good God! That would have definitely provoked a very hard stare plus an extremely freezing, 'I beg your pardon?'

that is grossly unprofessional and unacceptable. Please do make an official complaint. I’m Sorry about your experience.

I remember when I was suffering from anxiety while pregnant, because had a lot of stress going on with SS & upcoming family court case, and homelessness etc, and the GP telling a tearful me, "Oh, well my wife was the same as you, it's just hormones"

And the only midwife who was constantly rude, unfriendly and uncaring (the other midwives during 2 week stay in maternity were really lovely and helpful and caring and polite) after newborn had been diagnosed with jaundice and the other nurses explaining to me that the jaundice was giving him a yellow hue and being monitored for several days while still testing positive for jaundice, she asked me "Are you sure he still looks yellow? Is he not just yellow because he's half Japanese?"
I was shocked at the way she said it, and thought surely that's not PC?
I didn't want to complain about comments like that, but in your case, what your onecologist said was uncalled for and hurtful, so you have every right to complain.
HUGS xx

(Edited only because accidently posted whilst still in the middle of typing 😅)

That’s terrible and you must go back to get properly checked. It’s so outrageous to be called ‘irrational’ over a breast lump. I think this is part of the misogyny in the system which labels women’hysterical’. We are shamed into silence. Xx

Woah - the lack of respect. complain 100%

Please put in a complaint @Gyneapologist. I have a case currently with the NHS where a male oncologist decided to ignore my cancer in an MDT meeting because ‘oh this MRI took ages, it’s just cos she’s fat’ and then left it to grow for 2 more years until I by chance requested the scans for another reason. I’ve since lost my leg at the hip and am waiting for the outcome of chemo and radiation. It’s not good enough.

PLEASE go back @Steppingintome you matter more than the opinion of one Arsehole.

I’m sure many will say it’s harmless

Count me out of being one of the "many".

His comment was incredibly rude and unprofessional.
I'd definitely have a word with someone and let them know his bedside manner needs a bit of updating.

I am so sorry to hear this 💐

Actually, thankfully I was wrong about that and most people have been shocked. It’s spurred me on to complain

thanks, I’m alive and that’s what matters, but we really do need to make complaints. I think we are sort of conditioned to not complain about the NHS as if by doing so we are undermining the whole organisation. But I was told to complain by the wonderful staff at my hospital, they say they are fed up of it
too and they need patients to stand up and be counted in order to force change in the ranks. I hope you’re ok and your MRI goes well 💐

What a cretin he is. Bet his wife’s left him and he’s a bitter, twisted messed up, delusional husk of a man! If not, just give it time….

VesperLind · Yesterday 14:21
**
Why was your husband with you in the consultation?”

My husband was with me when I was told I had cancer. Is that alright with you, @VesperLind ?

Totally agree with this comment.

Just goes to show that twits come in all shapes and sizes and in this case, medical professions.

What a question!

@meadowfinch I'm glad you had a positive experience, but I'm afraid the OP is right about a culture of sexism and misogyny within the NHS, not only in the behaviour of senior male medics towards female colleagues and their largely unchallenged sense of entitlement (https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/nov/21/culture-of-impunity-for-nhs-staff-accused-of-sexual-violence-say-campaigners), but also the attention paid to the healthcare needs of women.

It's only relatively recently that NHS guidance on symptoms of heart attacks was amended to acknowledge the symptoms experienced by women - prior to that we had to rely on determining whether we were experiencing a heart attack based on men's symptoms, which are very different.

Similarly, it was only recently acknowledged that females experience ADHD differently from males, with the result that predominantly males were picked up at school age and given approriate care and medication. A whole generation of girls missed out on this, and the consequences are devastating. I'm one of them, and not having a diagnosis as a child has negatively impacted my life in ways you can't imagine.

I also have ME. ME is a multisystem disease which impact studies have described as being worse than HIV, and that patients are more functionally impaired than people with cancer, heart disease, rheumatoid arthritis and MS, yet so little effort is put into researching a biomarker to identify and cure the disease that the ¼ million+ sufferers in the UK are no nearer being helped than they were 25 years ago and are simply left to languish in bed, in pain. Why? Because the vadt majority of the sufferers are women. Not that long ago ME was officially called "hysteria". In spite of the WHO recognising it as a neurological condition, it was only in late 2022 that NICE, and therefore the NHS, stopped regarding it, and treating it as a psychological condition, and even now many GPs dismiss it as being all in the mind.

Things are improving, but very, very slowly, and the NHS has a long way to go before we have gender equality in healthcare in the UK.

Eeps! Me too! 🫣

Probably because OP wanted him there for moral support?

Really .... wtaf....

I doubt you have the breadth of knowledge to understand misogeny in the NHS as a whole.

From my understanding, reading your posting a couple of times to try and understand context.

You and your oncology specialist husband were seeing an oncology specialist who is a colleague of your husband???

So husband and your oncologist are colleagues and friends and not strangers?

Maybe your husband and his department are rife with unacceptable comments, that your husband's colleague thought would be acceptable to you, as you're married to your husband.

But when you write "also an oncologist" is that referring to you or your husband? Who is "also" an oncologist to whom?

If it's your husband and speaking to an equal - just how did he respond? Because he really should have spoken up and known what's appropriate in a doctor-patient conversation.

On this occasion I have more sympathy with you, if you're the "also oncologist", because you're dealing with emotions, a clinical understanding, a husband in the room, a fellow professional - and I don't think there's enough bandwidth to deal with lecturing an idiot on professional conduct.

But out of you and your husband - whoever is the oncologist, you should write a letter of remonstration to the oncologist for professional conduct - which you know will be scanned onto your and his file. And take it from there.

OldPerson The OP meant that the gynaecologist referred to in the title was male, 60 and also an oncologist (i.e. as well as a gynaecologist) as this was a post-cancer appointment. Not that the OP's DH was an oncologist.

My mid 40s male relative was accompanied by his girlfriend and mother at several recent oncology appointments - he is independent and capable.

Really? You honestly don't understand why a woman might want her life partner to be there at an important appointment after she's had a serious, possibly life-threatening gynaecological cancer? And more than that, you seem to think that a medic would presume that any woman who did drag her hapless bloke along was some sort of surrendered tradwife who would be grateful for any crumb of approbration her husband throws her way?

You know what? I have a PhD and would definitely want my partner with me in this sort of instance. It's called support. I also can't imagine him not wanting to be there. What sort of relationship do YOU have?