Page 12 | Financial issues between DS and DSD

Readyornot567 · 19/04/2024 20:17

MidnightPatrol · 19/04/2024 12:27

A life lesson for your DSD I am afraid.

I would also suggest you sit your DS down annd explain how fortunate he is, and how this might make others feel, including DSD. He is old enough to understand this.

I don’t really think it’s appropriate for a 12 year old to have £500 in cash, perhaps you need to speak to you ex about this money being put in savings or similar.

Your DP is mad to think your ex would be buying his DD expensive gifts however - if he wants his DD to have fancy trainers he will need to fund that himself.

This is the reality of a ‘blended family’ - your DS can’t miss out on eg a trip to the US with his dad because DSD can’t go. That’s not reasonable.

Does DSD have anything she’s interested in? I’m sure you could find some cheap / free hobby activities she could do.

All of this.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 19/04/2024 20:17

So he's worked 40-50 hours for that £500 so £10 an hour roughly and he's giving up most of his weekends to do it. The only thing I'd worry about OP is that it sounds like dad is a workaholic and he might feel this is the only way to bond with him, it might also affect future relationships as an adult, as most partners don't want someone constantly working or hoovering at 7am, factors perhaps as to why he's your ex.
Your partner isn't doing anything to improve his own or his daughter's financial situation, and how dare they make your son feel bad about his. He is busy, motivated and working hard.
The daughter has been issued extra curricular opportunities and doesn't stick at them. I think you and your partner have very different attitudes to child rearing and life generally and honestly I just don't see it working out

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 19/04/2024 20:19

Also he gets the money then offers to treat the family to a takeaway! He sounds like a lovely boy OP

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/04/2024 20:30

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/04/2024 19:07

Do you think the boy is the one who needs to be more mature?

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Not really no, perhaps a quiet chat about 'we don't tell folk how much money we've got' but hes 12, he shouldn't have to not wear his nice trainers or use his nice stuff in his own home.

Not quite sure how you got anything other than that from what I said.

candyisdandybutliquorisquicker · 19/04/2024 20:32

SlimShaddy · 19/04/2024 14:50

I just want to clear up any misconceptions that DS is basically strutting around throwing money in the air, he really isn’t. This £500 was for a full month of weekend work where he was working non-stop 12pm - 6pm Saturday and 7:30 - 2pm Sundays. There was Easter week too where he did some other work with his dad (although that wasn’t manual work). His dad doesn’t throw money at him and tells him to go wild with it … example being last month he payed him for his work and suggested he buy himself some things to improve his work such as work boots, gloves etc. it’s never forced but the suggestion is enough. He also buys his hobby equipment/licence/gradings etc out of this money which means it’s never expected from me to fund his hobby.

He is extremely careful with his belongings (obsessively so) so it’s not like he just buys stuff and neglects it. The PS5 he had has basically been given to DSD as he never has time to play on it and didn’t want her in his room so she does benefit from it too in some ways.

He’s generous but obsessive so if he shares something with her (such as his laptop) he ends up giving her it (she changed the desktop picture and moved icons around, he couldn’t handle it so just gave her it). When he realised he needed a new laptop as he’d given that one away, his dad said no. Now he’s saving for a new one.

He’s not as spoilt as I made it sound in the OP

Issues of the financial disparity aside, your son sounds like a great kid - hardworking and generous. You've done a great job with him!

WhichEllie · 19/04/2024 20:32

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2024 20:13

This basically means he’s at school all week, has martial arts 2 nights a week, martial arts on Saturday morning and then works Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning.

This is what the OP said, so that's what I based it on. It's a really long, fast moving thread so sorry if I am not keeping up with her drip feeding and changing the story as she goes along.

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All of OP’s posts have been there for you to read. The issue is jumping in to give opinions without bothering to read them all first.

She has also explained that he does not flaunt anything, they knew about the money because he wanted to buy a takeaway for everyone. Plus the girl keeps going into his room and taking his things and messing with them. He has given her his PS5 and his nice laptop because she wouldn’t stop messing with the laptop, and is now having to save to buy himself another laptop.

VanGoghsDog · 19/04/2024 20:40

SlimShaddy · 19/04/2024 13:43

Thank you, he works extremely hard every weekend. The only downtime he has all week is Sunday evening

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The fact that you allow a twelve year old to work painting and decorating is a massive problem here.

Let him be a child.

Papyrophile · 19/04/2024 20:43

Very sorry OP, but having read most of the thread, I don't think your and your current partner will last the course. Perhaps if you live separately, and bring up your DC without attempting blending, it might work in five or 10 years. But your DC are going to be a barrier now. It's silly of your DP to suggest your ex helps finance the wishlist of a 13 yo lass he's probably never met. But from what you have said about your partner and his DD, I would back away, fast.

BIossomtoes · 19/04/2024 20:44

VanGoghsDog · 19/04/2024 20:40

The fact that you allow a twelve year old to work painting and decorating is a massive problem here.

Let him be a child.

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His dad allows it. He’s a parent too.

Tbry24 · 19/04/2024 20:50

Your DP and his ex are responsible for his DD, they are her parents. If he or DD/her mother have a problem with the difference they need to address it and improve things. It’s up to them to support their child not anyone else.

As for your DS he should not be having to share anything ever. He’s either earnt it or been given it by his DF. That’s between the two of them. He will probably in time decide it’s easier to live with his DF where there’s not a disparity where he’s made to feel bad or leave his belongings at his dads house so there’s no bickering. I feel sorry for your DS tbh.

Tbry24 · 19/04/2024 20:52

candyisdandybutliquorisquicker · 19/04/2024 20:32

Issues of the financial disparity aside, your son sounds like a great kid - hardworking and generous. You've done a great job with him!

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I agree, he sounds like a lovely hard working and kind lad.

DarkDarkNight · 19/04/2024 20:54

I think it’s too difficult. I can completely understand how hard it must be for your SD. Try and put yourself in her place. I can’t see a future, maybe if you live separately and just date but not all under the same roof.

As an aside, how do you feel about your son getting all of this money lavished on him? Are you ok with it? I wouldn’t like it personally and would be having a word with my ex about it being a bit much. I know you say he works with his dad, but no teenager is actually earning £500 for a Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning are they? That is just an excuse to heap a silly amount of money on him.

Nanny0gg · 19/04/2024 20:54

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2024 18:52

Your son needs to stop talking about how much money he has in front of her and there is really no need to have mentioned how much the trainers cost. I wouldn't even know how to spot a 400 quid pair of trainers unless the price ticket was literally pointed out to me, and I imagine neither would your step daughter. It sounds as if he's enjoying rubbing her nose in it a bit. I'd be having a word with him about learning to be a bit kinder and less boasty. It's really not a nice quality.

400 quid is an insane amount to spend on trainers for a child of that age anyway, while his feet are still growing, but that is not the point. He needs to learn some tact and some humility. Acting the Flash Harry the whole time is going to make him very unpopular.

That said, she needs to understand that she's not entitled to demand that you and her dad somehow make up this shortfall. Your DS is no different to any other of those rich/spoilt kids at school who always seem to have more pocket money, the best phone and the 'must have' clothes ahead of everybody else. He just happens to live in the same house. It's annoying but that's life. She may as well get used to it. Surely she realises that none of this is her dad's fault. Envy is not a nice quality either.

Many many children can tell you which are the cool trainers, which are the 'must have' trainers and which ones cost what. (and which ones not to be seen dead in)
They just have to follow certain people on TikTok.
The boy didn't need to say a word

And for all we know, the OP's partner might have 'mentioned' it whilst kicking off over the disparity in their money

Nanny0gg · 19/04/2024 20:55

DarkDarkNight · 19/04/2024 20:54

I think it’s too difficult. I can completely understand how hard it must be for your SD. Try and put yourself in her place. I can’t see a future, maybe if you live separately and just date but not all under the same roof.

As an aside, how do you feel about your son getting all of this money lavished on him? Are you ok with it? I wouldn’t like it personally and would be having a word with my ex about it being a bit much. I know you say he works with his dad, but no teenager is actually earning £500 for a Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning are they? That is just an excuse to heap a silly amount of money on him.

It was for a month...

DarkDarkNight · 19/04/2024 20:56

Sorry I didn’t clarify, even though it’s not a weekly thing it’s more than he’d get for a Saturday job in a shop.

BIossomtoes · 19/04/2024 20:58

DarkDarkNight · 19/04/2024 20:56

Sorry I didn’t clarify, even though it’s not a weekly thing it’s more than he’d get for a Saturday job in a shop.

He’s not old enough to work in a shop. And it’s more skilled than that. £10 an hour seems about right.

TheMamaYo · 19/04/2024 21:04

Good heavens!! Your current partner wants your ex husband to buy his daughter stuff?!
where is this man’s common sense? His pride? His ambition?

Yuk.

Hayliebells · 19/04/2024 21:05

I think you're right that it can't work. Two children living in the same house with such inequality was never going to work. It's bad enough when it's obvious amongst friends at school, but in the same household it isn't tolerable. You can stay with your DP, but you can't try to "blend" families. You'd need to continue your relationship in two separate households, if you want to.

mrsdineen2 · 19/04/2024 21:09

She and her father feel she's entitled to his money, and she's already been in his room messing with this stuff when she shouldn't be?

Yeah, almost certain this ends with her stealing his money.

InterIgnis · 19/04/2024 21:11

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2024 19:57

You don't need to preach to me about the benefits of young people learning a work ethic. I got my first part time job at twelve and I frequently juggled 2 or 3 jobs at a time until I met my DH. I came from a poor single parent family, so if I didn't earn my own money I simply didn't have many of the basics, let alone any luxuries.

But I fail to see how buying a 12 year old 400 quid trainers and paying him 500 to help with some DIY for the equivalent of just 4 days over a month, is going to teach him much about the value of money. What it's actually going to do is set him up with some completely unrealistic expectations about what a hard physical day's work in the real world actually pays, and how much nice things like designer trainers cost in relation to a day's pay for most people.

My children were also privately educated and we were able to make sure they had the phones and laptops they needed, but we wouldn't have bought them the very newest or most expensive, on principle. Kids lose and break things, or get them nicked. They had all the clothes and trainers they needed but they were certainly not indulged with ridiculously expensive designer gear.

They also had part time jobs in their teens and at uni, but they worked in unglamorous jobs, doing anti-social hours for minimum wage, like everyone else in their position. I think that probably taught them far more about the real value of money than this child is going to learn. I'd be interested to see how he'd cope in a few years time if he had to work a few late shifts in McDonalds or whatever, when he's used to his Dad just opening his wallet and shelling out a few hundred pounds for relatively little work at 12 years old.

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Call that the real world? You should have sent your kids off to a third world shanty town, show them the real world.

There is no one ‘real world’. A world of wealth is no less real than one of poverty. The realities may be different, but they’re still realities.

A kid being bought expensive trainers, or being paid £500 for work they’ve done, doesn’t mean they’re destined to become financially profligate, or that they’re not simultaneously being given a good financial education. It also doesn’t mean they’re not being taught work ethic, or the value of drive and ambition. It’s likely that he’ll grow to earn more than that in a week at entry level, it’s hardly like he’s starting from the bottom, is it?

You may have made different choices for your children, based on your own experiences and beliefs as to what is ‘the right way’, but that doesn’t mean other choices are wrong or somehow morally inferior.

Papyrophile · 19/04/2024 21:13

What's wrong with a painting and decorating gig at 12? We are not talking about the oportunity to perform brain surgery: painting walls, ceilings and skirting boards is hardly intellectually demanding, but seeing behind the painting, how to price jobs competitively and come away with a profit that everyone is happy with, both customer and contractor: that's solid money information and understanding. No one in your family group has even been a tradie; I'd put money on it.

Papyrophile · 19/04/2024 21:18

I would actively prefer NOT to have my DS do painting and decorating work on my house; despite my age, I'd prefer to do it myself or pay a professional. I don't like ladders, so a professional it will be. DC's interests are elsewhere, which is fine.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 19/04/2024 21:21

SlimShaddy · 19/04/2024 12:17

My partner and I live together with my DS (12) and his DD (13). I warned him before he moved in that DS’s father is wealthy and DS benefits greatly from this such as schooling, clothes, holiday and possessions etc. I on the other hand am not wealthy and neither is DP. He said this wasn’t an issue.

it was fine for the first few months but DSD soon started getting jealous of DS. He basically gets whatever he wants including state of the art laptop, latest iPhone, expensive gaming PC, designer clothes etc etc however, he works most of the weekend with his dad and “earns” cash for doing so.

This basically means he’s at school all week, has martial arts 2 nights a week, martial arts on Saturday morning and then works Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. DSD on the other hand goes to school and does nothing else. She even refuses to do chores for pocket money.

The latest incident was DS came home with £400 trainers and £500 cash from working with his dad. DSD hit the roof and demanded the same amount be spent on new trainers for her and she also wanted £500 cash. I told her DS had earnt the cash working and his dad had bought the trainers - we simply don’t have that kind of money!! DP has now asked me to ask ex to treat them both the same which is ludicrous. His other suggestion was that I stop DS receiving these gifts and money which again isn’t going to happen as this has been going on since long before they moved in with us.

The next thing to come up is that DS is going to USA on holiday with his dad in summer which DP and DSD don’t yet know about.

This can’t work can it? AIBU to think we simply need to split up as things will never be equal between them?

Yep I would split mainly due to your DP’s reaction to it. He should be nipping it in the bud with his daughter but he is making it worse. Plus your DSD not respecting your son’s space, stuff and she sounds not very nice.

Papyrophile · 19/04/2024 21:27

And so, the next generation of sofa surfers

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/04/2024 21:29

Living together was always a bit of a disaster waiting to happen op. Such disparity between kids was never going work, particularly given their ages - surely this difficult situation could have been foreseen, and prevented. Your son sounds like a lovely boy, but clearly a very lucky one certainly materially. Your DSD is jealous and probably feels undervalued and it’s a difficult age too.