Financial issues between DS and DSD

[SlimShaddy]

My partner and I live together with my DS (12) and his DD (13). I warned him before he moved in that DS’s father is wealthy and DS benefits greatly from this such as schooling, clothes, holiday and possessions etc. I on the other hand am not wealthy and neither is DP. He said this wasn’t an issue.

it was fine for the first few months but DSD soon started getting jealous of DS. He basically gets whatever he wants including state of the art laptop, latest iPhone, expensive gaming PC, designer clothes etc etc however, he works most of the weekend with his dad and “earns” cash for doing so.

This basically means he’s at school all week, has martial arts 2 nights a week, martial arts on Saturday morning and then works Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. DSD on the other hand goes to school and does nothing else. She even refuses to do chores for pocket money.

The latest incident was DS came home with £400 trainers and £500 cash from working with his dad. DSD hit the roof and demanded the same amount be spent on new trainers for her and she also wanted £500 cash. I told her DS had earnt the cash working and his dad had bought the trainers - we simply don’t have that kind of money!! DP has now asked me to ask ex to treat them both the same which is ludicrous. His other suggestion was that I stop DS receiving these gifts and money which again isn’t going to happen as this has been going on since long before they moved in with us.

The next thing to come up is that DS is going to USA on holiday with his dad in summer which DP and DSD don’t yet know about.

This can’t work can it? AIBU to think we simply need to split up as things will never be equal between them?

I think you are right - living together isn’t sustainable. A shame as there is probably no way of maintaining the relationship if you ask him to move out.

Your son’s Dad sounds like an amazing father who is teaching him about sensible money-management skills. He also sounds like the complete opposite of your current partner. You have gone from a workaholic to an apathetic partner.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Sadly I don't think this situation was ever going to work with the two kids having such different backgrounds

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@SlimShaddy I don’t think it can work unless DSD realises she too can work to earn money and that DS is not getting money for nothing. She has a poor example in her Mother and he has a good example in his Father. You could ensure that DS leaves some luxury goods from his Dad at Dad’s. I do think you need to stop DSD going in his room - her Dad should do that.

I know this was a flippant post, but children in England & Wales (I don't know about Scotland) can only work from either the age of 13 or 14 (depending on local bye laws) and I believe DS is 12?

The only exception is where the child is working in TV, film, modelling etc and has a performance licence.

Children under 16 don't pay national insurance so it's only income tax DS needs to worry about (£12,750 allowance). Also, a child under 16 doesn't need to be included on a payroll for a registered employer.

If ex DH were actually "paying" his son for work, which wasn't acting or modelling etc, then that would be an offence under the Children and Young Persons Act 1933, Section 18 which is probably a tad more serious than DS not declaring any income that is likely a gift anyway.

But, of course, all this is likely just an excuse to give him some pocket money (£500 pocket money ??!!) in return for doing some chores.

end this experiment now. Your poor Ds. When you decided to post… you knew the answer in your gut. You need to put your ds first and it sounds like the little madam is playing mind games with him. She’s harassing him in his own home. If the genders were reversed, the batshit members would be in arms. Are you married to her dad or just cohabitating?

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Also I would end this and make sure they return all his stuff. How could you let them do that do the poor lad? Harass him into allowing her to take his stuff, you need to teach your son about not being taken advantage and standing up for himself. I hope you aren’t married to the father of the girl and can make a quick and easy break.

RTFT 🙄

Yeah, I knew there were rules about age of starting, but I couldn't remember whether it was 12 or 13.

Interestingly, if the child earns more than £100 interest on savings in a year, then HMRC need to be informed and the parent pays tax on all the interest if it's above their own personal savings allowance.

It does sound like it is more than just chores if the expectation is that OP's son will go into the family business, although this could actually be able work ethic, which sounds like it is succeeding in this instance.

Shame the step daughter hasn't had the same work ethic instilled really. It's amazing what hard work does. In my own case, some people used to say I was lucky as I bought a house on my own in my 20s, but they didn't see that I worked 2 paper rounds, then when I started proper work, I did that full time, worked in a petrol station 2 evenings a week, delivered pizzas 2 evenings a week and went to college 2 evenings a week to save the deposit. The harder I worked, the luckier I got.

No idea why DSD would even find out he had 500 in cash. Surely your son should discreatly put the 500 in the bank and not rub salt into her wounds.

I'd be more worried about your ds not feeling comforoin his own home. Dsd going into his room and messing with his stuff, giving her things to try keep her out, what else might be going on?

As for your dp wanting your ex to fund his daughter to the same level as your da, I'd be laughing him out the door, permanently. Very grabby and entitled to someone elses money.

*comfortable

Both of them, yes.

I can't believe what I've read on this thread! OP posts about her DP demanding her ex pay for his child and all most posters can focus on is the OP's son working hard on a project for a month and earning £500 and how his father indulges him and he's spoilt! Ffs OP's ex can do whatever he likes its his money and this is a good thing because its teaching their son a work ethic for when he's old enough to actually have a full time job.

The stepdaughter on the other hand sounds like an entitled, lazy, spoilt princess with no boundaries. She goes into the OP's son's room and messes up his stuff, if that was reversed and it was the OP's son going into SD's room there would be hell to pay. Also the SD has been given a top of the range laptop and a PS5 by the OP's son and rather than being happy and grateful for that generousity shown by the DS she's still jealous and throwing a tantrum because the DS has £400 trainers and £500 cash he earned! Also OP's son is now saving for a laptop because his dad won't buy him one after he gave it away to SD so who's the spoilt one out of the two kids? Not the OP's son.

@SlimShaddy Your DP is a cheeky fucker of the highest order for demanding your ex treat his daughter like ex treats your son he isn't her father its not his job to provide for a child that isn't his thats down to your DP to provide for her. OP get a lock on your son's bedroom door for when he isn't there your step daughter shouldn't be going into his room without permission and if DP kicks off ask him how he would feel if your son did that to SD? Your son has the same right to privacy as your SD its his house too. OP tell DP to move out because this situation will not improve it will get worse because rather than explain to his daughter that life isn't fair and encourage her to do chores to earn pocket money he's pandering to her and trying to stop your son from having things his father buys for him so his daughter feels better. That is massively out of line if DP wants his daughter to have the same as your son he needs to provide it not your ex no wonder your SD is lazy and entitled look at her role models and examples.

I would bet my last tenner that when you tell DP and SD about the trip to the US she will throw a massive tantrum and DP will demand your ex pay to take SD with him or tell you to tell your ex your son can't go because its not fair on SD.

What about in years to come if your son works in his father's business and earns bucket loads of money will DP demand your son gives money to SD? Or what if his father buys your son a car and a house SD will have a tantrum because she doesn't have that? Its not worth the hassle OP end it now before it gets worse.

I lost any sympathy for DSD when you said she goes into his room and hides or rearranges his stuff.
That’s way out of order. She shouldn’t be in his room at all. I wonder if she’s looking for stray cash and the ‘pranks’ are a cover
for this.
I think your partner is insane to expect your ex to dish out cash to his daughter. No wonder she has crazy expectations if that’s what she’s hearing.

Your ds sounds lovely, but far from the average 12 yo so that must be hard for dsd to compete with.

Her mom is homeless so likely has some sort of mental health issues.

Your sd likely understands life isn't fair better than most. She probably feels abandoned by her mum. She should be in therapy. This is trauma. My own mum has always been homeless. It's hard.

This has not your ds's fault, but she is likely to take it out on your ds because she feels like lashing out at someone.

This is not ok either. I think you need to not live together. It's not fair to either of them.

I agree. Her going into his room to muck things up for shits and (her) giggles shows just how immature she is.

OP--If DSD and your DP cannot come to grips with the fact that your DS will have more because his father is wealthy, then it's best that you live apart and remove the envy and jealousy from tainting everything around you.

I’ve taken the ps5 and laptop back. It’s all kicked off.
DS took the laptop to his dad’s last night where his dad is going to reset it to factory settings. I’m putting a lock on DSs bedroom door today and Dp and I are going to talk later about how we will move forward.

That sounds like a positive step for your son OP.
You can't blame the 13 year old for feeling jealous, she's 13, it's all about the material possessions at that age BUT that's not your sons problem. That's for her father to navigate. She stays away from his room and his things.
I just don't see how this can work with a man who expects another unrelated man to fund his kid. How he even came to that is beyond me. Can you even imagine what your ex would think if you asked this??
Good luck with it all and remember, you don't need to take from yours to make another feel better. Your son has a mum and dad, your dsd has a mum and dad. Your son cannot help that his father is wealthy and he is lucky enough to benefit from that. He sounds like a good kid, it's not up to him to even the playing field.
I have a suspicion that your dp will ask to contribute less to the household so he can spend on his dd. Do not subsidise this. Good luck.

So your DP doesn’t work? Do you, or are you living off the ‘child maintenance’?

Your current partner wants your ex husband to give his daughter money and buy her things? 🤯

That's a good start and fair to both children. Your partner has to back you up now. Be implacable

Well done.

It may not be compulsory to give that to your child, but nor is doing so some terrible thing.

I can't recall reading anywhere on here a single post accusing the father of doing a terrible thing - so a bit of an over-reaction here, surely. Unwise maybe, but not terrible.

I quote from one of your own previous posts:-

You may have made different choices for your children, based on your own experiences and beliefs as to what is ‘the right way’, but that doesn’t mean other choices are wrong or somehow morally inferior.

Other people will have other views - which is exactly how it should be. It doesn't make your opinion the right one. You say you can relate to the son because your circumstances were similar - well of course that will be affecting how you view what others' on here have said! For the record, I don't think the son has done anything wrong at all - he sounds a great boy and extremely mature for his years.