Financial issues between DS and DSD

[SlimShaddy]

My partner and I live together with my DS (12) and his DD (13). I warned him before he moved in that DS’s father is wealthy and DS benefits greatly from this such as schooling, clothes, holiday and possessions etc. I on the other hand am not wealthy and neither is DP. He said this wasn’t an issue.

it was fine for the first few months but DSD soon started getting jealous of DS. He basically gets whatever he wants including state of the art laptop, latest iPhone, expensive gaming PC, designer clothes etc etc however, he works most of the weekend with his dad and “earns” cash for doing so.

This basically means he’s at school all week, has martial arts 2 nights a week, martial arts on Saturday morning and then works Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. DSD on the other hand goes to school and does nothing else. She even refuses to do chores for pocket money.

The latest incident was DS came home with £400 trainers and £500 cash from working with his dad. DSD hit the roof and demanded the same amount be spent on new trainers for her and she also wanted £500 cash. I told her DS had earnt the cash working and his dad had bought the trainers - we simply don’t have that kind of money!! DP has now asked me to ask ex to treat them both the same which is ludicrous. His other suggestion was that I stop DS receiving these gifts and money which again isn’t going to happen as this has been going on since long before they moved in with us.

The next thing to come up is that DS is going to USA on holiday with his dad in summer which DP and DSD don’t yet know about.

This can’t work can it? AIBU to think we simply need to split up as things will never be equal between them?

'What about it?'

Are you the son's father?

'What about it?' is that this is a lot of money to give to a 12 year old child! Yes, he'd worked with his father for part of the weekend, but he's hardly trained in building trades and able to do the work of an adult tradesperson at the age of 12 is he, so it's pretty clear that his father IS giving him whatever money he wants to give. And if you care to read my earlier post you'll see that I said this.

Also, like me, you have absolutely no proof of the father's intentions by giving his son expensive gifts and large amounts of money - it's not exactly uncommon for one parent to try to create division in their ex's new relationship. You don't know that the father isn't doing it deliberately any more than I know for certain that he is - it's an opinion.

As for 'proportionate to his income' - this is not compulsory! Many parents who likewise are high earners would not think it appropriate to give so much money to a 12 year old child for one weekend. That doesn't make them wrong and the father right.

It’s his earnings, not pocket money. Even if it was pocket money, it doesn’t mean it will ‘end very badly for him’. He’s getting a good education, has a strong work ethic, and is being schooled in his father’s business. He’s likely also being taught financial management. The ‘real world’ for him isn’t the same as it is for those with less, but that doesn’t make it any less real. He’ll be fine.

@DriftingDora but it wasn't one weekend.

If you read what she actually wrote then she says it was a month of weekends.

Honestly what your ex gives your son is between you three. I’m just aghast that your partner thought it was reasonable to expect your ex to start giving things to his DD to even it out. I would ask him to leave on that basis, it doesn’t reflect well on him at all.

What's he doing with it ? Not just wasting it ?

@SlimShaddy if you're still around. Set him up a savings account. Teach him to put some away.

Trainers really are a fashion rip off for growing feet.

Sorry I didn’t explain it very well, the cash wasn’t for a days work, it was a project he’s been working on for a month (basically decorating and DIY) - he doesn’t get that amount every week!

Ah, ok, that wasn't clear from your OP. It read as if he'd come home with that money after one weekend. Even so, it's still a lot of money for a child of that age.

No, I’m not his father. Or a father at all, on account of, for one thing, not being a man.

I have wealthy parents, so I can relate to the son. It may be a lot of money for a lot of people, but his reality is one in which he has access to it. It may not be compulsory to give that to your child, but nor is doing so some terrible thing. It doesn’t follow that having that access will create a profligate individual doomed to disappointment and failure. The kid is being well educated, he’s got a strong work ethic, and he’s likely to follow in his father’s footsteps when it comes to his career.

I don’t know his father’s intentions, no, but nothing OP has said suggests he suddenly started spending more on his son or doing things differently when OP moved her partner in.

He offered to buy takeaway.

Who says he doesn’t significantly more than that in savings already? Or that he isn’t well versed in saving?

I mean she could always get a job? Why doesn’t DS’s income provide inspiration to her?

If your DP isn't on the same page then I can't see this working. He should be ashamed for even suggesting that another man subsidise his DC; does he have no pride?!? That statement alone would have put me right off him, if I was you.

Sounds like DP and DSD should be lacking their bags and going back to where they previously lived before moving in with you.

You probably do need to ask your DS to rein it in a bit though; 12 year olds SHOULD NOT be flashing wads of £500 cash around.

You thinking it’s inappropriate doesn’t mean it actually is. Perhaps he mentioned it, in his own home, because he was proud and excited at having earned it? Should he not be able to freely express that in an environment in which it should be safe for him to do so?

again, having something is not the same thing as ‘flaunting it’.

Does someone else “insist” how you deal with money you’ve earned? It’s fuck all to do with anyone else what he does with it.

I think it's also lovely that he gets to spend so much time with his dad. That's a special bond they have there.

Your DSD needs to get off her lazy backside and do some chores to earn some money.

Good on your DS for working in his spare time and appreciating the value of money. If his DF spoils him as well, so be it, he's allowed to do that as his father.

Your DP must seriously be on another planet. How could anyone lower themselves to expect another man to sub their own DD!?

Perhaps your DSD gets her hard done-by attitude from her father and thinks she's entitled to a free meal ticket.

This is never going to work because you and your DS are worlds apart from the pair of them.

People saying about him having earned the money- it’s a lot to earn for any work at that age, it’s no use telling dsd to go get a job, she can’t earn anywhere close to that! And she’s not being lazy or a madam, she’s not even at the age to work yet, she’s doing what we all did at her age!!!
edited to add: I’m so sorry op, but I can’t see how it’ll work, I’d hate watching my son watch all that wealth come in and constantly having to tell him sorry that’s just life :(

You don't need to preach to me about the benefits of young people learning a work ethic. I got my first part time job at twelve and I frequently juggled 2 or 3 jobs at a time until I met my DH. I came from a poor single parent family, so if I didn't earn my own money I simply didn't have many of the basics, let alone any luxuries.

But I fail to see how buying a 12 year old 400 quid trainers and paying him 500 to help with some DIY for the equivalent of just 4 days over a month, is going to teach him much about the value of money. What it's actually going to do is set him up with some completely unrealistic expectations about what a hard physical day's work in the real world actually pays, and how much nice things like designer trainers cost in relation to a day's pay for most people.

My children were also privately educated and we were able to make sure they had the phones and laptops they needed, but we wouldn't have bought them the very newest or most expensive, on principle. Kids lose and break things, or get them nicked. They had all the clothes and trainers they needed but they were certainly not indulged with ridiculously expensive designer gear.

They also had part time jobs in their teens and at uni, but they worked in unglamorous jobs, doing anti-social hours for minimum wage, like everyone else in their position. I think that probably taught them far more about the real value of money than this child is going to learn. I'd be interested to see how he'd cope in a few years time if he had to work a few late shifts in McDonalds or whatever, when he's used to his Dad just opening his wallet and shelling out a few hundred pounds for relatively little work at 12 years old.

Fair play to your son I say. Sounds like you've both done great jobs at parenting. He does his fair share round the house and has learnt to work had for a living at such a young age. Hats off to you both. I hope my DS turns out like this OP xx

Let's not pretend the child earned that money. Stop being silly. Or that the step daughter is 'lazy' for not earning or having any particular hobbies.

The boy has a wealthy dad. Of course he's going to give his son a lot - why wouldn't he? He's got every right to and you can't stop it.

The only problem here is the unrelated man and his daughter that you've moved in with. And the step child that you very clearly don't like. As per usual - blended families do not work and aren't what's best for the kids. This is just an extreme example.

and paying him 500 to help with some DIY for the equivalent of just 4 days over a month, is going to teach him much about the value of money.

You just made that up.

This £500 was for a full month of weekend work where he was working non-stop 12pm - 6pm Saturday and 7:30 - 2pm Sundays. There was Easter week too where he did some other work with his dad

I make that in excess of 50 hours - £10 an hour is hardly excessive.

So the SD dosnt do chores, work or hobbies and expects cash and expensive trainers given to her. She’s also got a free PS5 & laptop… she dose sound like a brat, even my 6yo dose chores to earn money.

Either you boyfriend pulls his head out of his arse and deal with his and his daughters expectations or find a new place to live. Well that’s what I’d do anyway.

i do like the sound of your DS, he sounds like he has a very good work ethic and sounds like most of the men in my family, DF, DUs & DBs are all always on the go, houses spotless, i once stayed at my DBs and woke up at 4am, I could hear something downstairs and found DB steaming his floors because he didn’t want my children ( baby & toddler) coming down to dirty floors when they got up 😂.

My heart bleeds for dsd. The posters slagging her off cos she’s poor ‘lazy arse etc’ ought to be ashamed of themselves.

This basically means he’s at school all week, has martial arts 2 nights a week, martial arts on Saturday morning and then works Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning.

This is what the OP said, so that's what I based it on. It's a really long, fast moving thread so sorry if I am not keeping up with her drip feeding and changing the story as she goes along.

It isn't the kids fault, it's you and your current partner for deciding to put them both in this position - you must have known what would happen? anyone could have told you.

Your partner suggesting your ex buys stuff for his daughter to make it fair is gross, total ick.

I don't think this is going to work. DSD is not going to handle it well at all (already isn't). It's already causing issues between you and DP and I imagine it will only get worse as the children get older. If you continue to try and make it work, despite what is probably best for both children, then perhaps instead of your son walking in with wads of cash you could set him up a bank account and ask his dad to put his wages/pocket money into that?

I was also going to say maybe ask him not to point out any new expensive clothing, products etc he has got but then...its his home, why should he be made to feel like he has to hide stuff cos mums new boyfriend and his daughter are jealous. Yeah, isn't going to work.

She hasn’t changed her story.

12pm - 6pm Saturday and 7:30 - 2pm Sunday is Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning.