Page 10 | Financial issues between DS and DSD

SlimShaddy · 2024-04-19T11:17:17+00:00

My partner and I live together with my DS (12) and his DD (13). I warned him before he moved in that DS’s father is wealthy and DS benefits greatly from this such as schooling, clothes, holiday and possessions etc. I on the other hand am not wealthy and neither is DP. He said this wasn’t an issue. it was fine for the first few months but DSD soon started getting jealous of DS. He basically gets whatever he wants including state of the art laptop, latest iPhone, expensive gaming PC, designer clothes etc etc however, he works most of the weekend with his dad and “earns” cash for doing so. This basically means he’s at school all week, has martial arts 2 nights a week, martial arts on Saturday morning and then works Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. DSD on the other hand goes to school and does nothing else. She even refuses to do chores for pocket money. The latest incident was DS came home with £400 trainers and £500 cash from working with his dad. DSD hit the roof and demanded the same amount be spent on new trainers for her and she also wanted £500 cash. I told her DS had earnt the cash working and his dad had bought the trainers - we simply don’t have that kind of money!! DP has now asked me to ask ex to treat them both the same which is ludicrous. His other suggestion was that I stop DS receiving these gifts and money which again isn’t going to happen as this has been going on since long before they moved in with us. The next thing to come up is that DS is going to USA on holiday with his dad in summer which DP and DSD don’t yet know about. This can’t work can it? AIBU to think we simply need to split up as things will never be equal between them?

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2024 18:54

HedgehogHighway · 19/04/2024 18:47

He’s a child. He didn’t study the trades for 3 years and then start a business and then win the job in fair and open competition. He’s massively privileged compared to DSD and implying to her “you’re lazy for not doing chores and earning like your step brother does” is cruel and gaslighting, because she doesn’t have the opportunity to earn the same as her parents aren’t wealthy.

Yes that's so true. Even if she started working her fingers to the bone, the OP and the girl's dad are hardly going to be matching the money the OP's son gets given, are they? So even if she can earn herself thirty quid, it's not going to make her feel much better in the face of some spoilt kid waving 500 in her face.

InterIgnis · 19/04/2024 18:55

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2024 18:52

Your son needs to stop talking about how much money he has in front of her and there is really no need to have mentioned how much the trainers cost. I wouldn't even know how to spot a 400 quid pair of trainers unless the price ticket was literally pointed out to me, and I imagine neither would your step daughter. It sounds as if he's enjoying rubbing her nose in it a bit. I'd be having a word with him about learning to be a bit kinder and less boasty. It's really not a nice quality.

400 quid is an insane amount to spend on trainers for a child of that age anyway, while his feet are still growing, but that is not the point. He needs to learn some tact and some humility. Acting the Flash Harry the whole time is going to make him very unpopular.

That said, she needs to understand that she's not entitled to demand that you and her dad somehow make up this shortfall. Your DS is no different to any other of those rich/spoilt kids at school who always seem to have more pocket money, the best phone and the 'must have' clothes ahead of everybody else. He just happens to live in the same house. It's annoying but that's life. She may as well get used to it. Surely she realises that none of this is her dad's fault. Envy is not a nice quality either.

You’d be surprised at how widespread knowledge about trainers and what they cost is. ‘Sneakerheads’ are a thing.

Simply having something and being seen using it isn’t ‘boasting’

Confused118 · 19/04/2024 18:57

InterIgnis · 19/04/2024 18:51

I disagree with making her issues his problem. He’s also a child and shouldn’t be expected to not have his things and be walking on eggshells in his own house lest he say something the stepsister takes issue with. He goes to private school - if that bothers the stepsister should he then never speak about his school? Or anything he does that stepsister isn’t able to do?

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I see your point.

I'm not suggesting trying to make DSD issues the problem of the DS. I'm just suggesting a compromise for everyone. Not for the DS to be responsible for every change.

justasking111 · 19/04/2024 18:57

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2024 18:52

Your son needs to stop talking about how much money he has in front of her and there is really no need to have mentioned how much the trainers cost. I wouldn't even know how to spot a 400 quid pair of trainers unless the price ticket was literally pointed out to me, and I imagine neither would your step daughter. It sounds as if he's enjoying rubbing her nose in it a bit. I'd be having a word with him about learning to be a bit kinder and less boasty. It's really not a nice quality.

400 quid is an insane amount to spend on trainers for a child of that age anyway, while his feet are still growing, but that is not the point. He needs to learn some tact and some humility. Acting the Flash Harry the whole time is going to make him very unpopular.

That said, she needs to understand that she's not entitled to demand that you and her dad somehow make up this shortfall. Your DS is no different to any other of those rich/spoilt kids at school who always seem to have more pocket money, the best phone and the 'must have' clothes ahead of everybody else. He just happens to live in the same house. It's annoying but that's life. She may as well get used to it. Surely she realises that none of this is her dad's fault. Envy is not a nice quality either.

He's not a spoilt child. He's working Saturday and Sunday for his dad. I did the same thing. I certainly wasn't spoilt. Family home life it was just expected. Both my brothers did the same when old enough.

My husband was a delivery van boy at this age every weekend as were his brothers. They weren't spoilt either.

You learn the value of money, time keeping at a young age.

pinkyredrose · 19/04/2024 19:00

Why are the pair of you letting his daughter go in your sons room and touch stuff? That's so out of order.

Time for them to move out, they both sound ignorant.

Who's idea was it for them to move in?

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2024 19:01

InterIgnis · 19/04/2024 18:55

You’d be surprised at how widespread knowledge about trainers and what they cost is. ‘Sneakerheads’ are a thing.

Simply having something and being seen using it isn’t ‘boasting’

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I'd usually agree but in this case I can't help getting the feeling that this boy is flaunting his stuff in front of the girl in a way that is unbecoming. She really had no need to know that he came home with 500 in cash, for example. Th less said about it the better. His parents should be teaching him that. The boy needs to be a bit more humble and modest. Not just in front of her, but in general. He's already spoilt. Let's hope he doesn't become insufferable with it.

Whatonearth07957 · 19/04/2024 19:04

Nip this in the bud OP stop being so conciliatory. Put your son first. He worked for it. Life is unfair. Absolute CF suggestion. I'd be very concerned how this will pan out going forward. Lock for son's room straight away and time to reissue and respect boundaries.

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/04/2024 19:04

I don't get that impression at all @HeadDeskHeadDesk I think its much more likely that because he is 12, he doesn't quite understand the social niceties around not announcing what you earn/how much you happen to have in your pocket/wallet/bank account at the moment. That sort of thing comes with time and maturity.

BIossomtoes · 19/04/2024 19:04

I don’t really think it’s appropriate for a 12 year old to have £500 in cash, perhaps you need to speak to you ex about this money being put in savings or similar.

Presumably you missed that he earned that money? If you earn money someone else doesn’t get to tell you what you do with it.

InterIgnis · 19/04/2024 19:05

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2024 19:01

I'd usually agree but in this case I can't help getting the feeling that this boy is flaunting his stuff in front of the girl in a way that is unbecoming. She really had no need to know that he came home with 500 in cash, for example. Th less said about it the better. His parents should be teaching him that. The boy needs to be a bit more humble and modest. Not just in front of her, but in general. He's already spoilt. Let's hope he doesn't become insufferable with it.

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Are you basing this on what OP has actually said, or your own dislike of rich kids?

Nothing OP has said has indicated that he’s spoilt or flaunting his things. He isn’t required to change to suit the sensibilities of people that are going to dislike him for what he has anyway.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 19/04/2024 19:06

You’re not helping the situation by saying that he earns £500 as a 12 year old for a days work. Most adults don’t earn that. I think it would be better if your partner just sat her down and explained that he can’t keep up that financially and that there is nothing that can be done about other than working hard to ensure she can afford a similar life when older.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2024 19:06

He's not a spoilt child. He's working Saturday and Sunday for his dad. I did the same thing. I certainly wasn't spoilt. Family home life it was just expected. Both my brothers did the same when old enough.

Oh come on, now. He's 12 years old. He's done one morning and one afternoon's 'work' for 400 quid trainers and 500 in cash. He's spoilt.

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/04/2024 19:07

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/04/2024 19:04

I don't get that impression at all @HeadDeskHeadDesk I think its much more likely that because he is 12, he doesn't quite understand the social niceties around not announcing what you earn/how much you happen to have in your pocket/wallet/bank account at the moment. That sort of thing comes with time and maturity.

Do you think the boy is the one who needs to be more mature?

RocketsMagnificent7 · 19/04/2024 19:08

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2024 19:06

He's not a spoilt child. He's working Saturday and Sunday for his dad. I did the same thing. I certainly wasn't spoilt. Family home life it was just expected. Both my brothers did the same when old enough.

Oh come on, now. He's 12 years old. He's done one morning and one afternoon's 'work' for 400 quid trainers and 500 in cash. He's spoilt.

Perhaps read all of the OP's posts.

InterIgnis · 19/04/2024 19:08

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2024 19:06

He's not a spoilt child. He's working Saturday and Sunday for his dad. I did the same thing. I certainly wasn't spoilt. Family home life it was just expected. Both my brothers did the same when old enough.

Oh come on, now. He's 12 years old. He's done one morning and one afternoon's 'work' for 400 quid trainers and 500 in cash. He's spoilt.

He worked over a month. He isn’t ‘spoilt’ because his reality isn’t the same as that of someone with less.

HesterRoon · 19/04/2024 19:09

The main issue is that you expected everything to be fine all living together. It’s insane to think a young girl wouldn’t get jealous of a 12 year old kid living with her who has £400 trainers and has expensive education. My stepson’s mother is very wealthy-when we went on holiday, I asked my then partner, now dh not to be really indulgent and buy expensive things as I couldn’t and wouldn’t do the same for my children. We waited until they were adults before marrying and living together. My SS has been bought a house-my kids know that and accept it as they have their own lives now-but as young teens all mucking in together? I think you two adults have messed up tbh and you need to agree a way forward or be prepared for difficult times ahead. Could the extra cash be put into savings for your son? Could he keep the expensive stuff at his dad’s? Could you both be sensitive to your sd and talk about wealth differences sensitively with her without having her nose rubbed in it?

BirthdayRainbow · 19/04/2024 19:09

Your SD sounds like a right little madam and her father is doing her no favours. Him saying your ex needs to treat his DD the same??! Absolutely ridiculous. I think I'd just end the relationship tbh. I'd lose all respect for him.

justasking111 · 19/04/2024 19:11

InterIgnis · 19/04/2024 19:05

Are you basing this on what OP has actually said, or your own dislike of rich kids?

Nothing OP has said has indicated that he’s spoilt or flaunting his things. He isn’t required to change to suit the sensibilities of people that are going to dislike him for what he has anyway.

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They'd hate my kids, they worked every weekend and school holidays. Went to private school. They worked through university. Got jobs straight away. They set up their own businesses eventually.

They aren't spoilt brats in any way.

Polishedshoesalways · 19/04/2024 19:12

Dsd should be told that they are not siblings. They are not entitled to the same. This is up to dp to be far more strict about this. Material items does not equal happiness!

Your DS needs to be discreet and empathetic about his new stuff.

babyproblems · 19/04/2024 19:13

£500 for a child’s pocket money is insane.
The relationship between them is the least of your problems - this situation of complete indulgence for your son will only end very badly for him and he will grow up with zero understanding of how the world really works. IMO this is a far far bigger problem than the relationship issues the kids have between them… which will only get worse as your son becomes older and likely begins to behave unreasonably..

BIossomtoes · 19/04/2024 19:15

babyproblems · 19/04/2024 19:13

£500 for a child’s pocket money is insane.
The relationship between them is the least of your problems - this situation of complete indulgence for your son will only end very badly for him and he will grow up with zero understanding of how the world really works. IMO this is a far far bigger problem than the relationship issues the kids have between them… which will only get worse as your son becomes older and likely begins to behave unreasonably..

RTFT. It’s not pocket money, it’s a month’s worth of earnings.

InterIgnis · 19/04/2024 19:15

justasking111 · 19/04/2024 19:11

They'd hate my kids, they worked every weekend and school holidays. Went to private school. They worked through university. Got jobs straight away. They set up their own businesses eventually.

They aren't spoilt brats in any way.

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Ime ‘spoilt brat’ more often than not is shorthand for ‘I’m jealous of them and will therefore consider them a bad person. My jealousy isn’t my problem, it’s theirs’.

Simply existing as someone with more money is enough to get you labelled ‘spoilt brat’, and you can’t simply have something or talk about what you’ve been up to without being seen as ‘flaunting’ it.

justasking111 · 19/04/2024 19:16

InterIgnis · 19/04/2024 19:15

Ime ‘spoilt brat’ more often than not is shorthand for ‘I’m jealous of them and will therefore consider them a bad person. My jealousy isn’t my problem, it’s theirs’.

Simply existing as someone with more money is enough to get you labelled ‘spoilt brat’, and you can’t simply have something or talk about what you’ve been up to without being seen as ‘flaunting’ it.

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So it would seem.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2024 19:17

InterIgnis · 19/04/2024 19:05

Are you basing this on what OP has actually said, or your own dislike of rich kids?

Nothing OP has said has indicated that he’s spoilt or flaunting his things. He isn’t required to change to suit the sensibilities of people that are going to dislike him for what he has anyway.

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I don't have a dislike of rich kids, my kids were rich kids. I have a dislike of flashy kids and parents who over-indulge them. They aren't doing them any favours.

I've already said it but I'll say it again. There was absolutely no reason for this girl to need to know that he was given 500 in cash, whether he 'worked' for it or not. Whatever he did for it, it's an excessive and inappropriate amount. He's only twelve so he has a lot to learn but his parents should be teaching him to understand his privilege and be careful how how he flaunts it around others less fortunate.

babyproblems · 19/04/2024 19:17

I mean earnt or not I still think at 12 it’s a ridiculous idea to give that amount of money. At the very least I’d be insisting that he saved 50%. It’s not a great life lesson to earn money then spend it all on a few frivolous items. I think it’s a crap way to teach life lessons and don’t think it will end well..