Should my MIL grow up or am I insensitive?

[birthdayboyy]

NC for this. My DS is going to be 1 in July and we’re planning a little party for him. DP’s parents are divorced and his father re-married his ‘other woman.’ They have been married for 15 years and together for 20.
My MIL refuses to be around her ex husband’s new wife (understandably, it was all quite acrimonious at the time). For example if my FIL wants to visit to see our DS he will not come on a day he knows my MIL will be here as the two women being in the same room together, and this has never happened.
It’s been like this for years but now we have a child it’s all a bit awkward. I want to invite my DP’s stepmother to our child’s little birthday party. It seems unkind not to as she is a presence in his life.
I don’t want to upset my MIL or make her feel uncomfortable, but since having a child my outlook on various things has changed/I’m willing to stand up for myself a bit more and part of my thinks - this isn’t about you, suck it up. However I don’t want any bad atmosphere to ruin my little boy’s day.
MIL isn’t one to bite her tongue which won’t help things.
DP says he’d rather his step mother didn’t come so I think I should respect his feelings on this and choose my battles, but it all seems unfair to me.
I understand that he doesn’t want to upset his mum and I don’t either, we have a good relationship and I wouldn’t want her to feel upset.
For context it would be a small party as my entire family live on the other side of the country, so we’re planning on doing something separate with them.

Am I being unfair?

This really isn’t anything to do with mil, your own dp doesn’t want his sm there so why are you pushing this? It’s his family and you should follow his lead.

Honestly whilst it must have been crap for MIL at the time I agree with you it all happened 2 fucking decades ago and there has to come a point where she puts the feelings of others (in this case her grandchild) first.

It's a birthday party with his family, his dad's wife is no less of his family than DHs mum. If it was me I would invite them all and if she complained I'd be clear that I wouldn't be pandering to the request, telling her its a couple of hours and if she can't be amicable then she probably shouldn't come.

I think you should follow your DH's lead on this one, it's his family. I'd be hurt if my DH overruled me when it came to my own family.

If you don't stop this now, you've got a lifetime of it to deal with. It will be a constant annoyance and obstacle in everything you plan for your child. It happened 20 years ago, she either needs to move on or stay away. She's the one with the problem.

TWENTY YEARS!!

She needs to move on. Seriously.

I’m quite capable of holding a grudge, but TWENTY YEARS!! This is excessive.

That's tricky and it's at family events like birthdays, weddings, funerals etc that these things become an issue. MIL obviously blames the OW but what about FIL's part in it? Will she be civil around him or can you not invite him either?

Honestly it's your DP's family so I would step back and let him 100% deal with any invitations, upset, fallout from it. Don't get involved yourself, you cant please everyone and don't want to end up getting the blame

Not your monkey. Not your circus. This is your partners family. It’s his decision. Leave well alone. If he doesn’t want his mother upset then that’s it.

We have a very similar situation and MIL actually didn't come to my SILs wedding. Even though SM didn't eventually come but just because she was invited. Ugh.

This. Not your call.

Your DP doesn’t want her to come. It’s a small gathering so there’s no avoiding each other - why would you invite that drama into your dcs party?

we do everything separately with mil and fil unless it is really impractical (like wedding!) and sometimes they have to accept that one of them will miss out. It’s been a very long time since the. Breakdown of their relationship but given the massive explosion it created in the individuals and family I can’t really blame the cheated on party for still feeling they want to protect themselves by avoiding interactions

You don't even need to be involved. Leave it to your husband.

I would never prioritise an OW step over a grandmother but maybe that's just my personal history affecting my judgement.

No she shouldn't " get over it or stay away ".

The OP's partner doesn't want his SM there.

Also of course SM is not as significant a member of OP's partners family then his actual mother

MIL is fine with FIL on his own, they are quite amicable. She completely blames the OW for the breakdown of her marriage and for ‘ruining’ her son’s family. Although according to my DP things were strained between them for as long as he can remember.

I would not override DP on this as it’s his family, but I’m minded to be honest with him how I feel about it as it all seems ridiculous to me. This is a special occasion for my son.

This. Is the OP honestly expected to take their relationship issues into account at every event of her child's life until presumably one passes away? It all sounds so melodramatic and self centered. If the child wants both grandmas there as he gets older will he be told he's not allowed and has to pick one? Honestly nipping all this nonsense in the bud now whilst he's too young to comprehend what's happening is the most sensible approach.

Wouldn't it be easiest if your family also came at same time to dilute things?

Else suggest each parent gets a slot -early or late and if they want to overlap fine but it's be civil in that time.

Would dad done if step mum not invited? Does son want to piss his dad off and lose the overall contact?

I think you should just invite your MIL and FIL and leave the SM out.

I think it's fairly understandable that she doesn't really want to be around her.

He only doesn't want her there because he knows his mum will throw a tantrum about it though. It would be different if it was because they didn't get on or something.

Also as I said to the child both these women are indeed equals.

I mean this is just ridiculous so many years on. There's going to be so many things crop up where this will be a problem if they can't be in a room together. Otherwise, I think let them decide between them who is coming. Leave it with your DH.

This, he wants his actual parents there why would you want to upset things, imagine it was your ex husband and wife would you want to be "the bigger person"

Your Mil is still hurt and bitter it isn't up to you to want her to get over it.

It’s your DP’s parents, his wishes should prevail here. You don’t understand the intricacies of the relationships or feel the emotions involved in the same way, so it’s not your place to insist on anything other than what he wants and feels is appropriate or right.

Also to add I have a good relationship with my MIL and don’t think that the other woman should be prioritised at all, but MIL would see it like this. She would be terribly upset to miss the little party and it wouldn’t want to take that away from her. Part of my just thinks when will this end?!

@ZipZapZoom I think that's a fair enough reason to not want a person there and think his views should be respected

I also disagree that to the child the father's SM is as important as his biological grandmother especially when the father would prefer her not to be there.

Alternate years.

One year pop in on granny with a candle and a cupcake and invite FiL and SMiL to the party. The next year, the other way round.

It’s only a few years, after that it’s all about the friends not the grandparents!

Thanks all, I’ll definitely leave it to my DP. Interesting to see the different opinions on this.

It's been 20 years, yes MIL should have moved on by now but she hasn't. Nobody is going to change it now.

Absolutely one for your DP to manage. If it results in MIL missing out, well she has made her priorities v clear.