Should my MIL grow up or am I insensitive?

[birthdayboyy]

NC for this. My DS is going to be 1 in July and we’re planning a little party for him. DP’s parents are divorced and his father re-married his ‘other woman.’ They have been married for 15 years and together for 20.
My MIL refuses to be around her ex husband’s new wife (understandably, it was all quite acrimonious at the time). For example if my FIL wants to visit to see our DS he will not come on a day he knows my MIL will be here as the two women being in the same room together, and this has never happened.
It’s been like this for years but now we have a child it’s all a bit awkward. I want to invite my DP’s stepmother to our child’s little birthday party. It seems unkind not to as she is a presence in his life.
I don’t want to upset my MIL or make her feel uncomfortable, but since having a child my outlook on various things has changed/I’m willing to stand up for myself a bit more and part of my thinks - this isn’t about you, suck it up. However I don’t want any bad atmosphere to ruin my little boy’s day.
MIL isn’t one to bite her tongue which won’t help things.
DP says he’d rather his step mother didn’t come so I think I should respect his feelings on this and choose my battles, but it all seems unfair to me.
I understand that he doesn’t want to upset his mum and I don’t either, we have a good relationship and I wouldn’t want her to feel upset.
For context it would be a small party as my entire family live on the other side of the country, so we’re planning on doing something separate with them.

Am I being unfair?

“It’s her child it will affect” - you do realise the child is also 50 % her husband’s child? Why should his wife’s wishes for everyone to just get along and forget the past override his more accurate assessment of the feelings involved and how best to handle things?

My late Mil never got over her hatred for her ex husband and wife it consumed her to most people she should just get over it but from what I understand the man was an abusive husband and father that must run deep.

I just feel for my DP as I know it’s awkward for him.

Then butt out and stop making it worse?

Do you get on with your FIL and his wife? Does your DH like his SM? That makes a big difference - ifs she’s an aloof uninterested sort then she won’t mind and everyone can crack on without her being involved. If she’s actually quite nice and kind and wants to be an active GP with FIL, then so much the better for you and your DC.

NOW is the time to try and have a reset with the family - you have years and years of this ahead of you otherwise. FIL moved on ages ago. It was rubbish and shitty and MIL doesn’t have to forgive him. But really, are you going to go through the next 20 years dancing around who can come for birthdays, school plays, Christmas, family dos, weddings? All these people are in your DC’s life and if your FIL and his wife would like to be hands on as nice, involved GPs, that would be a good thing. Cutting out the SM means your FIL constantly has to choose between his wife and his grandchild. I’m not saying invite everyone to everything but yes there are times when your MIL needs to be the bigger person.

MIL is your DS's grandmother.
FIL's wife isn't.

Of course you should prioritise his grandmother.

And then DP doesn't want his stepmother there either. Of course you shouldn't be inviting members of his family that he doesn't want there.

Cutting out the SM means your FIL constantly has to choose between his wife and his grandchild. - the choice he made when he ran off with another woman and broke up his family.

For many reasons we have always done children’s actual birthday with just our family. Then celebrated with other family at a time when we see them near to but not on the birthday. Our children have never minded having a birthday week with lots of different celebrations and it is less stressful for the adults. It also avoids being accused of favouritism so it is ‘fair’ for everyone.

It’s not a ‘special occasion for my son’. He’s one, unless he is a greater genius than Mozart or JS Mill he won’t have a clue what’s going on, still less remember it.

This is really about your completely understandable desire to have a happy and united family, but …..you haven’t, or at least DP hasn’t. I would do as many other people have suggested and do as DP suggests. Or you could have two parties , one for each side of the splint. dS won’t know the difference.

My exh cheated on me twenty years ago, gaslighted me and the children, was truly horrible to us all. The OW also colluded in that and tried to emotionally blackmail him and then me. After we split, exh wrote some fairly awful letters to the children blaming me and suggesting I was stopping them contacting him (so not true). The children were unaware I read those letters and to this day, don't know that I saw them. OW phoned my house trying to persuade my ten year old daughter to get a belly piercing. This had such an impact on my son who was furious with her for 'invading his home .' So there were no happy family gatherings. I dislike the pair of them intensely. And I won't forget that exh was prepared for his children to be homeless when we sold the house. I arranged a bridging loan and he was furious.
However when dd got married, I said I was happy for her dad to go and suggested she invited the OW. Ultimately OW didn't attend and exh didn't give DD away- her brother did. I was polite. Guests would have been unaware of my real feelings. You have no idea of what went on twenty years ago and how far reaching the effects can be.

This isn't an issue, your DH wants his mother there and comfortable. I am in the same position as your DH, however I don't tolerate the OW anywhere near my children. I

Is far easier for the father to just not bother if his wife isn't invited.

So you risk losing him in your child's life. Which bay be something your husband is happy with.

If it's the step mother that actually prioritised the father son relationship over the years then she would probably prioritise the grand child one.

(But he may have been sn active dad anyway, you'll know that by now)

I know with my partner he is far less fussed about seeing his family. I remind him that we should organise visits etc. if they banned me, they wouldn't see him much, not as he is offended just he isn't that fussed or proactive about organising things.

(Yes not all men are like this)

Christ I am worn out just reading the back and forth of opposing arguments on this thread. Having to live like this must be exhausting.

Even if MIL was fine with you inviting OW she would still feel uncomfortable as would OW & FIL, they're not going to speak and be friends so it would ruin the atmosphere of the celebration

Then I’m guessing you’ve never lived through a family situation like this - lucky you. The bottom line is that it’s not her side of the family so not her decision. Husband’s family, husband’s decision about what he wants and what he thinks is best.

You need to get your DP on side. He's had years of brainwashing from his mother about his father and that wicked woman ruining her life without apparently any self reflection on her own part (you mentioned your partner remembered it being difficult) so he may need a bit of help to be objective about the situation. Now there is a baby, that becomes the focus of the family's attention, it's all going to centre on the baby basically for the next few years. You two new parents have the perfect opportunity to sort this out as granny victim who seems to be the issue here won't want to miss out on her grandchild's birthdays etc.

I think you're absolutely right but if she's kept up her victim position for this long it's going to be very hard to change her mindset.
Maybe if you feel bad about it have a chat with the SMIL, she's learnt how to deal with the situation over the past 20 years. There's no right answer but your MIL and her grudge will be controlling everything in future years ☹️ are you prepared to put up with that? Would granny victim allow your SMIL to attend your wedding (if you had one) or would she effectively control the guest list at that? Food for thought!

why would you want to invite a massive family drama at your kid’s first birthday party?

I wouldn't be hurt, I'd be absolutely livid

This. I would do what your DH wants rather than wade in and attempt to bang people’s head’s together. You want to be a united front with your DH and that means supporting him on his preferences.

Nah I w9uldnt be dealing with this bullshit forever. It was 20 years ago. Time to move on. She can decide whats more important to her, her grandchild or her bitterness.

Are you ever intending on marrying becuase you can't not invite your fathers wife to your wedding day. And you don't want this shit on your wedding day so best get it over with

You are right, I haven't. Betcha I've lived through some worse ones though.

There is a reason why we applaud the dignity and grace of Stephen Lawrence's parents. It is possible to dig deep and find fortitude in the face of exteme hurt and betrayal. There is value in encouraging each other to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be.

Yes I agree it is not OP's decision but she is entitled to her feelings.

The OP has chosen to have a baby with a man whose family has had a lot of pain and turmoil for years before she came along.

This smacks a bit of, "I'm here now with the baby Messiah so all you silly people better take note, and put your daft little feelings to one side, because it's all about baby Tarquin now".

Leave them be, this should be about your DP's feelings, not yours.

Also I think If your DH doesn’t want his SM there, you should consider why and have empathy for him, even if you feel you can’t have any for your MIL.
Remember your DH has lived through his family being torn apart by his father and OW and the pain associated with it, even if it was ‘years ago’. Even if he plays happy families with his step mother sometimes, deep down he might feel a lot of the pain that his mother feels too. I know when someone cheats it’s cheating on their partner, but in reality that cheating is felt by their DC too. He would have seen his mothers pain at the time and obviously cares about his mothers feelings. Respect that, it means he’s not like his father.

In this situation I would invite Step MIL and MIL and if either feels that it would be awkward and chooses not to attend then that’s up to them.

By you choosing who to invite it may come across to them that you are choosing a ‘side’.

The chances are that step MIL may not want to make MIL feel awkward (or for there to be an awkward atmosphere) and will decide not to attend.

Glossing over the fact your child's other parent has said he doesn't want her there???

OP - if this was the only issue, would you respect his wishes?

In this situation I would invite Step MIL and MIL and if either feels that it would be awkward and chooses not to attend then that’s up to them.

This is her boyfriend's family, not the OP's and he does not want his stepmother there.

She has no right to take over, it's up to him to invite or not.