Should my MIL grow up or am I insensitive?

[birthdayboyy]

NC for this. My DS is going to be 1 in July and we’re planning a little party for him. DP’s parents are divorced and his father re-married his ‘other woman.’ They have been married for 15 years and together for 20.
My MIL refuses to be around her ex husband’s new wife (understandably, it was all quite acrimonious at the time). For example if my FIL wants to visit to see our DS he will not come on a day he knows my MIL will be here as the two women being in the same room together, and this has never happened.
It’s been like this for years but now we have a child it’s all a bit awkward. I want to invite my DP’s stepmother to our child’s little birthday party. It seems unkind not to as she is a presence in his life.
I don’t want to upset my MIL or make her feel uncomfortable, but since having a child my outlook on various things has changed/I’m willing to stand up for myself a bit more and part of my thinks - this isn’t about you, suck it up. However I don’t want any bad atmosphere to ruin my little boy’s day.
MIL isn’t one to bite her tongue which won’t help things.
DP says he’d rather his step mother didn’t come so I think I should respect his feelings on this and choose my battles, but it all seems unfair to me.
I understand that he doesn’t want to upset his mum and I don’t either, we have a good relationship and I wouldn’t want her to feel upset.
For context it would be a small party as my entire family live on the other side of the country, so we’re planning on doing something separate with them.

Am I being unfair?

Your “worse ones” are of no relevance to this thread though 🙄.

Yes she’s entitled to her feelings but it’s not her family to make a decision about what happens.

I am in your exact position except we are 30 years on rather than 20. I’ll be honest, the situation doesn’t improve. After MANY years of parties and logistical drama where DH had to give time slots to MIL and FIL to avoid any run ins with the ‘other woman’, the norm is now that FIL asks his wife to stay at home so MIL can attend. I don’t think it’s right but it’s not my argument to have and so I let them get on with it. DH doesn’t particularly want OW there and so it works for him, it’s only me that finds it bizarre that OW is excluded when she’s been married to FIL for longer than he was even with MIL.

I’d alternate them. It may have happened 20 years ago and I’m sure in many ways your MIL has moved on but having her ex husband and the woman he ‘moved on’ around will be hard for her.

Its not really a big deal to sensitively keep them apart is it? There’s something like this in most families and it’s just life.

But it’s your husband’s family so I’d leave the logistics of it to him.

"You need to get your DP on side. He's had years of brainwashing from his mother about his father and that wicked woman ruining her life without apparently any self reflection on her own part (you mentioned your partner remembered it being difficult) so he may need a bit of help to be objective about the situation. "

Is there any actual evidence from the OP that this has happened?

No-one has to "get over" being treated badly. It was "quite acrimonious" at the time, you say. No-one knows what goes on in someone else's marriage, and no-one can gauge the extent to which someone is traumatized by being badly betrayed. You don't know how badly, or in what ways, MIL was treated. At the time of the divorce or since.

It is not difficult to organise things so that she and her ex both see the children, but at different times.

Time for you to grow up and respect your MIL's perfectly reasonable stance that she does not want to socialize with the people who mistreated her, rather than expecting her to play happy families so that you have one less bother in life.

Sheesh! If a random person bullied you, stole from you, lied to you, mentally and physically abused you, you wouldn't expect people to say "get over it, it's been 20 years now, come and play nice".

Of course it's her monkey and circus. These are her children's grandparents, not some distant relative of her husband's. What happens in a few years when DS is old enough to ask for both women to come to his party? Op just says "I don't care DS, it's your family not mine?"
That doesn't mean she should over rule DH and I think it matters why he doesn't want SM there.

Op if you're only having a little tea party I'd do it for each family so yours, Gf and SM, and Nan.

@Bruisername

Thank you for a very insightful, thoughtful comment.

Your son is not the centre of the universe.

That is the natural consequences of sleeping with someone else's husband I'm afraid.

Prioritise your MIl - your child's grandma.

Fair enough if it was a big event with 100 plus people. But her marriage breaking will have been a traumatic and significant time in her life and to sit in a room with those people would be painful. No matter how long it's been.

@Mnetcurious Your “worse ones” are of no relevance to this thread though 🙄

My life experiences are relevant to my opinions, which is what I am offering here, just like the rest of us.

Not really. My daughters have done it for 30 years, and have no problems socialising with their dad and me separately.

The difference between them and the OP is that they understand how appallingly my ex behaved towards me - while we were married and for a long time after the divorce - and have the empathy to know that the way I was treated is not something that someone "gets over". Ever.

They also never had the expectation that, with a bitter spilt-up in the family history, everyone would just forget about all that and be prepared to happily turn up as props when summoned.

Why are you trying to micromanage other people? Let your DH speak to his mum about arrangements for LO’s birthday party and allow his mum to decide whats best for her.

A birthday party for a one year old doesn’t trump the devastating experience of hurt and betrayal to his grandmother. She shouldn’t be expected to spend time with a person who, effectively, ruined her life.

MIL may be happy to miss out on the “party” and spend quality time with her GC on or the day before/after with her GC without the angst. I know I do.

In the same position. FIL had affair 25 years ago, was with her for a while but it ended. he met someone else 15 years ago who he has since married and they are very happily together. MIL is a nightmare about it. She won't be anywhere near him and still continually pushes for information about him, what he's doing, what she's like, is she after his money (no, she is very successful), what about his will, all sorts.

She has literally wasted 25 years of her life on it and I don't see it improving anytime soon.

What are they then? Husband sent to prison for murder for example? Worse than your dad running off with another woman for sure. Doesn’t give you extra insight into this problem though.
My initial point was that your comment “must be exhausting to live like this” indicated that you didn’t have experience of this kind of situation, which you then agreed you hadn’t. I don’t know why you’re still going on about it.

when the marriage breaks down and one party didn’t want that it can be very hard for them as they are essentially grieving the future they thought they would have. Seeing their ex with a new partner (be it the affair partner or not) can ignite that grief because they are seeing what they thought they would have. Often they have trust issues as well and having a new relationship can be almost impossible.

when I look at my aggrieved in law I can totally see why they feel the way they do. However they would probably benefit from having some therapy to try and help them move on from what was a really awful time

🙄😂😂

It's not going to, is it, if it's this raw after 20 years.
I'm guessing the MIL hasn't got a new partner to bring along. In my mind it's a waste of a life holding a grudge this long, filled with bitterness and making the family dynamics a drama and stress. But I have a close family member who is 25 years in to 'he ruined my life' when he left me with two children at 33.

Stick to your plan, invite the biological grandparents and unfortunately step-granny has to sit this one out. This is what happens when people have affairs - there’s lifelong fallouts, she kinda has to take it on the chin, you can’t steal someone’s husband and expect his ex-wife to sit and chat over a Prosecco, even 20 years later. That was 2004, not 1960. You weren’t on the scene then OP, you have no idea of the heartbreak that affair may have caused.

I had a friend who got married recently and her parents split up when she was about 3, her Dad and Stepmother came to the bride’s mother house on the day of the wedding as they were all getting ready. She said she knew it was a massive deal for her Mum to let the ‘OW’ in her house even though they had long been married and had children themselves. She said she found her Mum crying on the morning of the wedding and she realised that her Mum did it for her - to keep the peace / to give her daughter that happy families image / aren’t we all mature / time heals bollox, but she was distraught. I get it. It’s love and heartbreak and there are some people you will never get over.

The reality of the situation is that acrimony exists between your MIL and her ex-husband’s new wife. She’s not going to let it go just because you had a baby and suddenly decided you want her to play happy families.

If you invite step-grandma you’re only going to ruin your own day because there’ll be a bust up at your son’s birthday party and you won’t like it. Your son won’t remember it….but you will. It’s your special day to celebrate your first child really.

I would strongly advise against creating drama for yourself and let your DH handle it like handled it for the past 20 years. You knew what you were marrying into, step-grandma knew what she was marrying into and unfortunately no magic wand exists to make all the bad feeling go away.

But surely FIL and SM come as a package now? If OP leaves out SM, then it's likely FIL won't come either. Opening up another can of worms...

It is not about holding a grudge.

You must be familiar with trigger warnings, since we see them used regularly on MN in post titles. They are acknowledgement that certain topics might upset readers. Would you say that the people who would otherwise be triggered by reading about a topic were "holding a grudge"?

Courts regularly provide screens so that victims don't have to see thir accisers when they testify.

But a woman who was worked over forva stretch of time by her ex in ways that we don't know is expected to find the strength to play nice for Insta opportunities.

"Get over it" and" stop bearing a grudge" sound to me like variations of #BeKind, intended to force a woman to deny her feelings. While her ex-husband gets let off the hook for his appalling behaviour to enjoy all the privileges of intact family life (including him new wife being accepted in a grannie role).

P. S. Re your friend. Do you ever stop.to consider that your friend's ex might indeed have ruined her life by ditching her with small kids?

I totally agree with this. Of course your FIL and OW will be happy to be in the same room and not make a fuss as they were the perpetrators, it’s entirely different for the victim (who is now unfairly being seen as the source of trouble). Also, it sounds as though MIL hasn’t remarried? So she wouldn’t have support in that situation. I think it’s worse at such a small gathering as it will be so much more in her face.

If you want to keep things more straight forward perhaps suggest OW doesn’t attend?

Your DP saw how FIL and OW behaved first hand and sides with his Mum. This seems quite telling.

If this is the case then that clearly shows where his priorities lie. I think the perpetrators should be the ones having to make concessions, not victims.

I think a larger occasion, your MIL should suck up being in the same location as SM but not sure a small, intimate birthday party at home is the right venue for their first "crossing paths". I guess it has also been built up into a big thing. I think you just need to go with what your DP feels at this point, invite FIL and MIL and not SM.

I think (separate from your DS's birthday), your DP should also have a talk with MIL and gently say that now her DGS is here, there will inevitably be times that FIL will want to bring his wife and maybe it's time to let bygones be bygones. I do sympathise with MIL though, I live in the same village as ex and his gf (previous OW). It has been hard but in some ways at least I've had to come to terms with it. I wouldn't want my DS to be stressing about these things like your DP and you have to.

Indeed. FIL should be the one to "grow up" and own the consequences of cheating on his child's mother.