Should my MIL grow up or am I insensitive?

[birthdayboyy]

NC for this. My DS is going to be 1 in July and we’re planning a little party for him. DP’s parents are divorced and his father re-married his ‘other woman.’ They have been married for 15 years and together for 20.
My MIL refuses to be around her ex husband’s new wife (understandably, it was all quite acrimonious at the time). For example if my FIL wants to visit to see our DS he will not come on a day he knows my MIL will be here as the two women being in the same room together, and this has never happened.
It’s been like this for years but now we have a child it’s all a bit awkward. I want to invite my DP’s stepmother to our child’s little birthday party. It seems unkind not to as she is a presence in his life.
I don’t want to upset my MIL or make her feel uncomfortable, but since having a child my outlook on various things has changed/I’m willing to stand up for myself a bit more and part of my thinks - this isn’t about you, suck it up. However I don’t want any bad atmosphere to ruin my little boy’s day.
MIL isn’t one to bite her tongue which won’t help things.
DP says he’d rather his step mother didn’t come so I think I should respect his feelings on this and choose my battles, but it all seems unfair to me.
I understand that he doesn’t want to upset his mum and I don’t either, we have a good relationship and I wouldn’t want her to feel upset.
For context it would be a small party as my entire family live on the other side of the country, so we’re planning on doing something separate with them.

Am I being unfair?

Do something a different time with df and sm. Your ds won't know or care who attends the party..

I would invite the blood relatives - MIL and FIL and in my opinion the step mother needs to suck up not being invited as it’s not about HER. Your DH is right.
I understand it was years ago, but I wouldn’t want my child’s ACTUAL grandmother upset.

It's a special occasion for you.

Your son is 1 so will have no clue or care about this party.

Have a read of the relationships board and see the utter devastation that cheating has on women and families. It doesn't matter if they didn't get on, he cheated rather than leave first. Who knows how the OW behaved at the time.

MIL doesn't need to grow up. Maybe you could try having some empathy

Part of my just thinks when will this end?!

Have you actually asked DH this question? Honestly I'd get him thinking about how this nonsense is going to impact upon everything you do with your son going forward. DSs first birthday is just the tip of the iceberg of years of juggling this silly feud.

Why does the grandfather need his wife with him all the time. She's no relation to the child.

“Is the OP honestly expected to take their relationship issues into account at every event of her child's life” - its not up to her to decide, it’s her husband’s side of the family so it’s his decision to make and she should respect his wishes. She doesn’t need to concern herself with it at all.

Personally I would ask everyone to come, and explain to them all that everyone has been invited.

If they can't be civil for a few hours for the sake of their grandchild they will be the ones to miss out.

If your DP doesn't want his step mother there I would respect his feelings.

Never mind MIL, your DP clearly doesn't like her.

Also as I said to the child both these women are indeed equals

No, they’re not. One is the child’s grandmother, the other isn’t. If I was the child’s grandmother I would feel incredibly hurt to see the woman I felt contributed to the demise of my family treated in the same way as me, relationship-wise.

Those saying it was 20 years, get over it - some of you must be better people than me, because to me 20 years feels like no time at all. I can remember traumatic and non-traumatic events in my life from 20 years ago as if they were yesterday, and the memories still bring up the same emotions now as the events did then. Whilst I don’t expect people to tiptoe around those feelings, it doesn’t diminish them, and it’s kind to respect people’s feelings even if we don’t understand them.

OP - if your DH only wants his mum and dad there then that’s how it should be. He’ll have his own reasons for this, and I think you should respect them.

To all the people saying it's none of OP's business, I completely disagree. It's her child this will affect. Why should he grow up never having her at these things?

The precedent that is set now will continue for all family events/birthday parties moving forward. OP said she has a good relationship with the step mum and so her child probably will too. Why should she be excluded because someone else wants to hold a 20 year grudge?

How many people are coming to this party?

there is a critical mass of people where you can expect to be able to invite both because they can easily avoid each other. If they are in your living room as a group of 6 you are going to end up complaining about what a horrible dynamic there was. Save yourself that hassle

we never know what goes on in someone else’s marriage and it’s breakdown and I would suggest you don’t force this issue as you may end up stirring things up that happened a long time ago that you may find hurt your dp

Sorry I might be miss understanding this but did MIL and OW have beef pre the affair?

You need to stop interfering in your partner's family life.

His family were there and having problems long before your child came along. Your child is not the be all and end all here.

It's fine to have your opinion but your DP does not want his stepmother there, so back off.

I think you should just go out for the day, just the three of you. Then at a later date you can meet up with your family who live far away. I have a feeling your MIL will ruin your child's first birthday with her bad mood.

Thank you I do see this viewpoint. She is absolutely entitled to still be hurt by it. I just feel for my DP as I know it’s awkward for him. MIL was upset around 5 years ago as we had lunch with my FIL and his wife on Boxing Day after spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with her.. I realise I haven’t experienced what she has and shouldn’t judge as I dont know how I’d react in this situation. It just seems such a long time to hold onto upset and bitterness.

Invite them all and don't take sides!

MIL needs to get over herself or she's going to miss out, but if that's what she wants!

My BIL has been married to my sister for 20 years! He's been divorced for 25 years, he is still pulling this shit! The other man has passed away now. But consequently he has not been to any of his kids graduations, none of his GC birthdays! Three of his children are married and those were a nightmare, although he did go to them.

He's missed out on so much! Because he won't bloody move on! My DS actually thinks that his son should not invite his mum to GC party, so that he can go!

As the son says, you're all invited, it's up to you if you come or not!

Keeping fil and sm apart from general get togethers is imo a nod to fil he is the one who created this issue being a cheater.... Mil hasn't done anything wrong. In fact isn't she to be respected for not lowering her morals to spend time with such people?

No, they’re not. One is the child’s grandmother, the other isn’t

To the child they will both be their grandmother.

Probably never your Mil has been hurt and it is still with her, but its their battle not yours.

I get you feel stuck in the middle but its been ongoing for years your poor husband trying to negotiate it all though.

Not necessarily. My dc are very aware who their grandparents are and who their spouses are, and the difference between the two. It’s not the least bit confusing to them.

Why should she be excluded because someone else wants to hold a 20 year grudge?

Her DP whose actual family this is, does NOT want his stepmother there.

That's all that matters, not a party for a 1 year old baby.

"It's a birthday party with his family, his dad's wife is no less of his family than DHs mum. If it was me I would invite them all"

Despite the fact that her DP doesn't want his step mother there?

I've got to say that my dad's the same about my mum's partner, although they have been together for 25 years.
We just never put them in a room together and I don't think that it's that uncommon.
I think some people just don't get over things.

I agree you need to have a conversation with DP about all the potential convoluted ball-aches this is going to cause at every major family event going forwards.

Yes, cheating is devastating but it isn't unreasonable to expect people to be capable of behaving like a dignified adult 20 years later. Expecting everyone around them to constantly put their feelings centre stage is selfish.

I hadn’t considered this, thanks for the idea. I’ll speak to DP and see what he says. I know a first birthday isn’t a momentous affair but I did want to make a cake for him, have some balloons etc which we can still do. families !!