Should my MIL grow up or am I insensitive?

[birthdayboyy]

NC for this. My DS is going to be 1 in July and we’re planning a little party for him. DP’s parents are divorced and his father re-married his ‘other woman.’ They have been married for 15 years and together for 20.
My MIL refuses to be around her ex husband’s new wife (understandably, it was all quite acrimonious at the time). For example if my FIL wants to visit to see our DS he will not come on a day he knows my MIL will be here as the two women being in the same room together, and this has never happened.
It’s been like this for years but now we have a child it’s all a bit awkward. I want to invite my DP’s stepmother to our child’s little birthday party. It seems unkind not to as she is a presence in his life.
I don’t want to upset my MIL or make her feel uncomfortable, but since having a child my outlook on various things has changed/I’m willing to stand up for myself a bit more and part of my thinks - this isn’t about you, suck it up. However I don’t want any bad atmosphere to ruin my little boy’s day.
MIL isn’t one to bite her tongue which won’t help things.
DP says he’d rather his step mother didn’t come so I think I should respect his feelings on this and choose my battles, but it all seems unfair to me.
I understand that he doesn’t want to upset his mum and I don’t either, we have a good relationship and I wouldn’t want her to feel upset.
For context it would be a small party as my entire family live on the other side of the country, so we’re planning on doing something separate with them.

Am I being unfair?

this

Echo other previous posters that it is your DP's choice. It may also be for his own benefit. My dad had an affair and I found it excruciating to even mention her to my mum (I got on well with her but I knew my mum found it hard). I even found it hard when my dad had a new partner to discuss her with my mum. Yes ideally his mum would get over it but if she can't then even if she tolerates it and attends and behaves fine, your DP may find it stressful having them both in the same room as he is worried about what she could be feeling and if she may make any comments etc. Your DP can always have a chat with his step mum if they have a good relationship and explain and say he knows it isn't ideal but hopes she can understand and arrange separate times for her to come over.

The OP shouldn't be inviting any of her partner's family.

It's for him to invite or not as he sees fit.

He's had 20 years of it, so he's grown up with all this. The OP has no right to click her fingers and think everyone should jump because she wants them at the baby's birthday party.

This, with knobs on.
My parents divorced when I was in primary school, and they haven't been in the same room since, driven mainly by my Mum. I've gone on to marry, have children etc and yes, there's been the odd occassion when i wish it was different - my Dad missed my wedding, for example - otherwise it's been fine and we've had them visit at different times, had 2 birthday 'dos' for the dcs etc. It's not a problem. My feelings don't override hers, and I can't imagine forcing someone to be around an ex spouse who caused them significant hurt just because I wanted a 'proper' family get together.

Totally. It's just a shitty situation that could cause drama in either instance.
If FIL chooses DGS over SM, then FIL then has to deal with the fall-out with SM, his partner.
If FIL choose SM over DGS, then he has to deal with the fall-out with own son/OP.
But then I guess he needs to just suck it up!

We have a similar set up although it’s not the other woman, they’re both with other people but MIL is very vocal about being wronged by FIL so we swerve any opportunity for their paths to cross. The only time they’ve ever been in the same room was at our wedding. We ended up inviting MIL and her partner 2 hours before we were having a little gathering for our son’s birthday the last two years. It’s clearly very obvious there’s about to be a party and she’s not invited to it but she’d have very little in common with my family either so we just think it would be awkward for all parties if she was there. She questioned the last time if we didn’t have a cake for him 🙈 We did but obviously weren’t cutting that til his party! I see it as my husband’s issue so I let him decide what we do. This year I think we’re going to have a bigger party now he has some nursery friends etc so we’re going to just invite everyone.

If your partner doesn’t want FIL’s partner there then I think you have your answer.

When your husband decided that enough is enough

But whilst he prioritises his mum then you have to go along with it

Her husband doesn't want his SM there...

My parents divorced when I was 10. My mum brought me and my siblings up. Dad moved in with OW. Mum was extremely hurt. I had no idea what had happened. One minute we were a happy family. The next minute we weren’t.

Anyway dad married and myself and DB went to his one day a week. Occasionally we slept over for one night. My older sister wouldn’t have anything to do with him even now 20+ years on. Mum remarried but she has never forgiven dad and still becomes very uncomfortable whenever he is mentioned.

Now I’m older mum has opened up about what dad and his OW did to her. She has every right to never be in the same room with him again.

I have a good relationship with both parents and their spouses. However, I would never expect my mum to “grow up and get over” her devastating experience with the man and woman who committed the ultimate betrayal.

For all my DCs birthdays I have either invited all family members or none. Mum and myself celebrate with the birthday child by doing something “special” with nanny or we have another party at mums with my siblings and their dc.

Nobody should be expected to “grow up and get over” their deep feelings of hurt and devastation for the sake of a fb family pic.

Jeez! a one year old birthday party isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things - except to his parents.

For context, my husband's sister tried this on with their father. She knew he was still bitter about their very acrimonious divorce. It was SiL's wedding, so everything had to be the way she wanted it, including her father arriving at the venue from her mother's (and her new husband's) house. Her only attitude was 'it's my wedding so you all have to behave yourselves for one day'.

Unbending and no movement whatsoever. The result was that FiL gave a scathing speech at the reception, clearly addressing his former wife's lack of fidelity.

Don't misunderstand me: his behaviour was unconscionable. It did not win him many friends nor influence anyone.

But IMO, his daughter could have been more understanding too. My private view, which I've never shared with anyone including DH, is that sometimes we reap what we sow.

OP - it's DH's family. I'd suggest you let him deal with it.

Your son will not remember or care. It's about the event you and dh want and who you want to be there.
I wouldn't wade into it. Esp if your husband accepts the situation.
We have a similar situation with an aunt and uncle. The aunt has never got over the humiliation. She is now in her 80s and she sits out events rather than be in the same room as the woman she perceives to have ruined her family.

My husband's family is like this too. We invite MIL and her partner to things like this as FIL had an affair and then wasn't particularly present in DHs life. We see FIL and his wife (the OW) separately. It's just how things are. I find it best not to worry about it and just go along. The only time we put MIL and FIL back in a room together was our wedding vows as that really can't be done twice.

his dad's wife is no less of his family than DHs mum

Well that's not true is it? The DH doesn't want SM there so he clearly doesn't think of her as no less than Mum

I notice you haven't married into this family OP.

My advice is don't, if you can't accept them for how they are and how they have been for over 20 years now.

The situation is not for you to change, just because you and your DP decided to procreate.

Agreed, @Ohlookwhoitis.

That is for DH, and DH alone, to judge.

Agree with this. For all the people pointing out that 'it's been 20 years' - presumably you have never been through the devastation of another woman breaking up your family and stepping in as a substitute mother. It's worse than a bereavement for some people as you have to live with it on a daily basis.
I feel for you OP, and I'd follow your DH's lead.

Let your partner deal with this and approach the various parties and state his wishes. He can invite/not invite anyone he chooses. Let him get on with it.

So MIL is ok with her ex partner - who actually made a vow to her - but angry at the OW after 20 years. Ok, she gets to feel however she feels - but it is not ok for it to be disruptive to you. DP needs a frank discussion that this is not something either of you will be mediating or managing - but perhaps an ongoing plan that one come early and one late to events?

All the people saying MIL needs to 'get over it' just don't get how this can happen. When my ex and I split up, he and the other woman bullied me to the point I thought I was going to have a breakdown. I was nothing but accepting of the split, was relieved actually, I caused them no upset but I guess their guilt and shame made them have to believe I was the bad un and deserved to be 'punished'.

Like fuck would I chose to be in the same room as a pair of bullying bastards who tried to do me harm. Why would anyone chose that? Weddings etc. are different, you can avoid people but not in a house facing each other. How awkward for everyone. The OW should excuse herself from going.

As someone who has good reason to hate their ex-husband I think your MIL is being ridiculous.

When does this stop? Are you willing to do another 17 years of separate celebrations? What happens when your son plays sports, or performs at school. Put your foot down now because your baby is going to love all his grandparents.

Ridiculous of her to be so hung up on hating the OW twenty years later but not her actual husband who was the one who made the vows to be faithful to her. I’d invite the SM and tell MIL to grow up.

You don't necessarily have to have that battle now. I invited a massive extended family to my kid's first birthday (no family issues, mind you). I have a photo of her sitting in front of her giant cake with a face like thunder 😁totally wasted effort. Obviously she remembers absolutely none of it. I'd do separate little parties with the warring factions and wait until your nipper is old enough to have their own opinion on what they want.

Well it seems that you hated them both equally and with good reason. This woman only hates the stepmum but is amicable with the dad. Why? And there is also no suggestion that there was bullying going on at the time of the divorce/separation. It’s just the misogynistic tendency to blame the woman and let the husband get off scot free.

Just have two small parties, one for MIL and one for FIL plus his wife.

sorry for what you have gone through.

I think this is a good example of why the OP shouldn't judge the MIL. The OP wasn't there to know how it went down. She only knows that her MIL carries a lot of hurt from it.

I expect the SM will be accepting of not being invited and will understand why. It's not really a big deal to leave her out imo. She's not a grandparent and will surely not expect to be treated the same as the MIL. she will probably be relieved to not be in the same room as the MIL anyway!