Should my MIL grow up or am I insensitive?

[birthdayboyy]

NC for this. My DS is going to be 1 in July and we’re planning a little party for him. DP’s parents are divorced and his father re-married his ‘other woman.’ They have been married for 15 years and together for 20.
My MIL refuses to be around her ex husband’s new wife (understandably, it was all quite acrimonious at the time). For example if my FIL wants to visit to see our DS he will not come on a day he knows my MIL will be here as the two women being in the same room together, and this has never happened.
It’s been like this for years but now we have a child it’s all a bit awkward. I want to invite my DP’s stepmother to our child’s little birthday party. It seems unkind not to as she is a presence in his life.
I don’t want to upset my MIL or make her feel uncomfortable, but since having a child my outlook on various things has changed/I’m willing to stand up for myself a bit more and part of my thinks - this isn’t about you, suck it up. However I don’t want any bad atmosphere to ruin my little boy’s day.
MIL isn’t one to bite her tongue which won’t help things.
DP says he’d rather his step mother didn’t come so I think I should respect his feelings on this and choose my battles, but it all seems unfair to me.
I understand that he doesn’t want to upset his mum and I don’t either, we have a good relationship and I wouldn’t want her to feel upset.
For context it would be a small party as my entire family live on the other side of the country, so we’re planning on doing something separate with them.

Am I being unfair?

You MIL feels how she feels. Her dh and his OW blew her life apart with lasting impact. Thankfully it is not something I have personally experienced (yet? never say never) but I can imagine how that could feel.

this isn’t about you, suck it up

Who is it about then?

Your ds is 1 and doesn't care and won't care if handled appropriately, your dh doesn't want her there, your MIL doesn't want her there...................so it is all about you?

You, the only adult person who wasn't impacted by the damage they did? You are spectacularly dismissive of that damage.

Your fantasy doesn't fit with their real lived emotions and feelings.

This may have already been said ... but if you are seeing your family separately anyway then it may be easiest to have three separate small gatherings (not three full on parties obviously) - just three different days when you see grandparent x and have a cup of tea, a small cake and a present. This is what we tend to do - see PIL on one day, my mum on another, and my dad and his wife on another. My parents aren't acrimonious but it might be a bit weird for them to have to spend the day together. Also everyone lives in different places.

The SM is an adult inserted into your dps family and he can choose how he wants to relate to her. I don’t know how old he was when she came into his life but there is no reason he should consider her close family.

in these situations the ils have to tolerate each other as the parents - their children will always have them both in their lives. But the step parent does not have to be tolerated. That is why the ire is often turned onto the step parent. In my ils case it’s the other way around so I don’t believe it’s mysogynistic

there’s also how the children were treated by the step parent. It’s quite a complex situation with a web of relationships that can cause all sorts of hurt

in any other walk of life if someone treated you that badly you would be able to cut them out completely but when there are children you are tied together forever. Managing how that works going forward is very delicate

as I said above, your child is not going to be the magic glue that fixes this. Expecting them to get on in small gatherings is pointless.

and as a dil in this position I would advise that you never take sides - no matter what you think of the situation - and let your dp guide things

i wont go to anyting my dh ex is attending shes very spiteful so i can understand reluctancce to go -on other hand if it carries on dh could lose his df if he feels his wife is being rejected

My husband parents divorced 45 years ago, he married the lady who he was having an affair with.

My husband was 5 at the time and his Dads wife has been part of his life since then. He sees her as a step mum and does care for her. Not like his Mum but she has been there for him and he always felt part of the family as they went onto have their own children.

When we got married it was the first time in over 20 years that they had even seen each other! Our wedding became about his Mum having to cope with her ex husband and seeing ‘her’ (his wife) It did cause a distraction on the day. Even my divorced parents are civil and they really hate each other! From then on my husband made the decision his Mum would be invited but in the condition she didn’t make the day about her - it has meant she has missed Birthdays, and other special occasions for our children as we don’t want her to ruin the day.

Whilst I respect FiL hurt her and was very much in the wrong - it’s unfair to put my husband and then our children in the middle:(

Though if your husband doesn’t want his Step
mum there then it’s his choice - but be aware it will be like this forever if he makes that choice.

Wow thank you everyone, I wasn’t expecting so many responses. I’ll have a read through everything.

I’d invite the SM and tell MIL to grow up.

So you'd completely ride roughshod over your partner's feelings, given that he doesn't want his SM there?

I'm not sure if that's nasty or controlling, or both.

It’s been like this for years but now we have a child it’s all a bit awkward.

Very unreasonable of you to expect your MIL to feel differently just because you'd like everyone to fake play happy families for a party your child won't remember.

You seem strangely anxious to give the OW the same place in your child's life as his actual grandmother even though your partner doesn't want that.

I'm not necessarily saying it's happened in the OPs case but just trying to relay why it can happen in some families. Another poster said she didn't find out similar circumstances until she was older and then understood why her mother didn't want to be near her father.

He really did try to destroy me, they both did, while leaving me to cope with small children. I don't hate them, never did, I just want nothing to do with them ever ever again. I would tolerate them at a function where they're at another table or something but not in a house, no way.

Why is the woman taking the blame for the affair? She'll be in the same room as her cheating ex, but not the woman who never made nor broke a vow to her?

It’s a bit complex as DP feels his father hasn’t bothered with him much over the years, he can’t rely on him etc. understandably he wants to prioritise his mum which I completely understand.

FIL wife is respectful about boundaries and wouldn’t make a big deal of it if she wasn’t invited. As others have rightly pointed out I have no idea what really went on and how far reaching these feelings are. Thanks to everyone who has advised to keep my nose out, I think this is the best thing I can do.

Also realise my son won’t really know what’s going on, I just felt it was a shame he wouldn’t have everyone around him at the same time, but families aren’t always easy.

With my FIL my DP very much feels that he’s made his bed so can lie in it, and if this means missing out on special occasions for his grandson then so be it. I recognise now that it isn’t my place to try and persuade him otherwise as it’s not my business. If the shoe was on the other foot I wouldn’t be happy with my DP meddling with something so complex and sensitive.

Okay but my point in this case was that the MIL is fine with the FIL and actually amicable yet blames the SM for ruining her family. That’s the mindset I can’t get my head around but it’s not uncommon.

This is exactly what happens in our situation. I do feel that my MIL’s feelings should be put first as that’s how my DP feels. Apologies if my OP seemed flippant to her feelings, I really do not want her to be upset. I realise now that this isn’t my place to be tugging at these emotional family ties, for want of a better phrase!

Blaming the ow isn’t necessarily rational but there are many reasons why it’s easier

• will have to see the ex spouse anyway so need to come to terms with that
• seeing your replacement can make what you lost painful
• perhaps the sm was not that kind to the kids or it hurts the mother that her role was also partly usurped (both wife and mother)

human relationships can be so complex and I’ve learnt from my in laws that you can’t judge. its just important to make sure your partner is comfortable and let him drive it

I understand - but I agree with others that it’s up to your DH. Let him sort it out with his dad.

Yes, it’s a long time, but she was the OW and it can’t be easy to just get over that. I have close friends who divorced 10 years ago. The OW has not been invited to my friends’ daughter’s wedding. The bride does not want her dad’s partner there and I don’t think it would be right for her fiance to question that.

The kind of internalised misogyny which, after 20 years, is still insisting that the philandering husband is a poor innocent trapped into sex by an evil OW is pretty much always passed on to the children.

Of course since this is party is particularly for the DP's family perhaps he could organise it himself and manage the invites along with any fall out, rather than leaving it to the woman as default family organiser.

Thanks everyone for your comments and for giving me some perspective. I realise this isn’t my call and will butt out and leave it to DP. It’s good to know that this isn’t such an unusual situation, I think we’ll just continue to see them separately.

I think your DPs feeling are paramount here. There is clearly some underlying hurt re the relationship with his father which can often come to the surface once you have your own children. Given what you’ve said above, it feels like you’ve had quite a clear clear to prioritise your mil.

That said, I’ve seen this dynamic play out on my extended family and the jealously has been hard work for my relative to deal with. So many special occasions of hers have been spoilt because her mum can’t be around her dad’s wife. There have been issues at her wedding, hen do, children’s parties have been drama etc. I feel for her as there is always a massive guilt trip and it would all be much easier for my relative if everyone could just be civil for a few hours.

Does your DP get on with his step mother or is his entire relationship with DF/SM viewed through his DM's feelings? For a small event with a handful of people its easier for him to exclude but what happens if you get married or have a larger family event? At what point do his parents put their feelings to one side to prioritise DP or his DC?

His DF may have been a lousy husband but could still be a good DGP or DF to his adult son.

@abracadabra1980 it was the DH that did the wrong! The OW didn't cast a spell on him you know!

He broke up his family.

Similar situation although step MIL was not other woman although still a lot of bitter feelings from MIL. I made the decision when I was pregnant that I was not going to put our child in the awkward position both my husband and I had been in with horribly awkward atmospheres the very few times they had all been together, I didn’t want him to feel he had to choose a grandparent at family gathering or at a small age try to make his time look balanced etc. and I made it very clear that bad mouthing the other one in front of him was completely banned. Our DS is 11 now and has never been in the same room with MIL and FIL at the same time. When he was little he just accepted that was his family set up and enjoyed more people to spoil him, when he was about 7 he questioned why they weren’t together and my dh sat down and explained it in a very simple way talking through how Grandpa and Grandma had very clear different interests (which they do) so not best together but all love him, he was very happy with the explanation.
When it came to special occasions we did something with FIL and step MIL and another thing with MIL, it helped they are very different people so we chose things that would appeal to each.
You are right though to consider you child is unlikely to make the distinction between blood relative and step MIL it will all just be family to them and will depend on each grandparents individual relationship with the child and how hard they work at it to how close they are not down to blood and that does need to be remembered that the child will likely have equal feeling for your step MIL as his blood grandparents.

I'm in the same situation as your MIL and can confirm it's fucking hard, even nearly 20 years on. I can't really go in to a lot of detail here but I'm willing to guess there was more to their split than your husband knows, and even if there isn't I cannot judge her for how she feels. In an ideal world it would be easier but life doesn't always work like that.

If it was something bigger....like a wedding or a christening m, with far more people so they could avoid each other, I would say suck it up.
But I do think it's unfair to force them together for a small first birthday party.
It's DPs family....his choice.

Surprised by some of the replies on here. My exH had an affair, and I cannot imagine ever putting my DS or future GC in a position where they felt torn about their own family events because of something that happened years ago that had nothing to do with them. I would never be that selfish. If I was going to have a problem with anyone it would be with exH rather than his wife, but even so I would never make it all about me. It's not that hard to suck it up for a few hours for your DC.

Did your ex treat you like shit after it? Bully you? Take all the money that was half yours? treat your DC with such disrepect ie, not turning up for them when he promised? Did the OW make up a false story of assault and call the police on you while ex stood back and laughed? Would you really let all that go or would you draw some boundaries?