Should my MIL grow up or am I insensitive?

[birthdayboyy]

NC for this. My DS is going to be 1 in July and we’re planning a little party for him. DP’s parents are divorced and his father re-married his ‘other woman.’ They have been married for 15 years and together for 20.
My MIL refuses to be around her ex husband’s new wife (understandably, it was all quite acrimonious at the time). For example if my FIL wants to visit to see our DS he will not come on a day he knows my MIL will be here as the two women being in the same room together, and this has never happened.
It’s been like this for years but now we have a child it’s all a bit awkward. I want to invite my DP’s stepmother to our child’s little birthday party. It seems unkind not to as she is a presence in his life.
I don’t want to upset my MIL or make her feel uncomfortable, but since having a child my outlook on various things has changed/I’m willing to stand up for myself a bit more and part of my thinks - this isn’t about you, suck it up. However I don’t want any bad atmosphere to ruin my little boy’s day.
MIL isn’t one to bite her tongue which won’t help things.
DP says he’d rather his step mother didn’t come so I think I should respect his feelings on this and choose my battles, but it all seems unfair to me.
I understand that he doesn’t want to upset his mum and I don’t either, we have a good relationship and I wouldn’t want her to feel upset.
For context it would be a small party as my entire family live on the other side of the country, so we’re planning on doing something separate with them.

Am I being unfair?

This is such a hard one because I was in a very similar situation last year!
Mine was father in law, mother in law and her husband and our wedding!
All the time we were dating we walked on eggshells with FIL, couldn’t tell him we’d been to MIL’s house because he’d sulk like a child. There wasn’t even an affair, she just left him and then go with her current husband. Current husband is a huge presence in our lives, we spend a lot of time with him but it looked like we wouldn’t be able to have him at our wedding. My DH said he couldn’t come because of his dad but I know for a fact he wanted him there. I had to go along with DH though because at the end of the day it’s his family. We were lucky, FIL seemed to realise he was missing out on things in his kids lives because of his own stubbornness and he made huge progress in getting over it. Can’t keep them all apart now!! I know it isn’t helpful in this situation but sometimes they can resolve themselves when the grown ups realise what they could need up missing out on!

Oh God, I feel for you!

My mother had an affair and left by dad in something like 1984 - I got married in 2004 and my dad had been with his new partner for about five years by then. My mum didn't want me to invite her, or have her at the top table. I told my mum to grow up. My SM wasn't the OW and MUM left my dad (and me at 14 but that's another story). My mum came and sucked it up well, behaved etc. My dad and SM got married the year after me and are now married longer than my mum and dad were. Sadly my mother died in 2009 so family gatherings are no longer an issue.

Your mum is being ridiculous but it is your husbands call here - try and stay out of the issue but let the SM know that it isn't your decision to exclude her.

From past experience (as this was an identical situation to what we were in) if it’s a big event (wedding, christening etc) then great, small intimate party.. no! Much more hassle than it’s worth and both yours and your child’s day will be ruined by their hostility (no matter how much they try and hide it). Stick to doing separate celebrations with each. For example one comes to the party & then you have a separate thing the next day with the other.

Although I don’t agree I would follow your husbands lead but speak to him about it after the party. It’s not fair and you can’t snub his step mum forever at every family gathering.

It won't , my ex husband and I divorced 36 years ago. He was the one to have an affair, he has never attended a wedding, birthday party or any other special event for our family because myself and my second husband were there. He never attended his own mother's funeral for the same reason. Feeling do not disappear after ,20 , 30 years. Some people can deal with them and others can not. Unless you are the one who has been through it ,you don't understand the lasting effects. In this car I don't think it is relevant as her partner does not want his step mother there , his family his choice.

I think you can see the people that have cheated - the "just get over it" comments 😆

Completely agree. I don’t think adults think about how unhealthy it is for children to be raised with this kind of dynamic and how negatively it impacts their own view of, and approach to, relationships. This idea that if you have a relationship with one person you’re upsetting another. Horrible.

Sorry but your dad did that.

yeah you're not understanding what I'm saying at all. Nevermind.

Op, can I ask , does your husband really not wish her there or care either way, or is he suggesting he doesn’t invite her due to he doesn’t wish to upset his mother?

in my experience, I have a friend whose mother was like this, bitter till the end, her children did everything they could not to upset her more, as they knew the drama that would ensue, the emotional blackmail and fall out from it,and what they would be put through, so they’d not have invited either.

I think that’s the key point. Is your husband doing this to appease his mother, after a lifetime of it. Or because it would genuinely be his choice?

id also say she’s not the new wife, its been 20 years. She is simply his wife now. Any marriage to his ex is long long gone.

I’m not either to be honest surely your father was the one who ripped it apart?

ok, let me put it another way - obviously I know it takes two to tango - but can you understand that my mum might have slightly more inclination to maintain a civil relationship to someone she has a 3 decade history with and shares family with than a total stranger (whose only link is that she had an affair with my dad)?
I wouldn't expect my mum to have to be in the same place as her. There's no need for it to happen. That's all.

You are having a "separate party" for your family already, why don't do the same for the two parts of your DP family? I think is the correct thing to do here.

Exactly the same dynamic in my family. We actually all love the AP (now married) but don’t invite the two sides to small gatherings together because - well why on earth would we disrespect the betrayed ex spouses feelings like that?

Both parties are happy. Both parties don’t particularly want to hang out together, to even imagine they want to be in the same room for our benefit would be bonkers. It works for everyone.

I honestly find it crazy that posters on here can’t wrap their heads around the idea that the betrayed may have created an amicable relationship with the cheat because they HAVE TO - to be a good parent. And that’s if they have managed that.

And to use a well worn crappy phrase used to minimise an AP actions ‘they don’t owe the betrayed anything’ why on earth does the betrayed ‘owe the AP anything’ they don’t know them other than the person who was complicit in their trauma and I’d argue abuse (so would a growing number of professionals).

It’s a no contact society. Everyone is going no contact with people that trigger them, mumsnet is always full of these threads, with 100% support but there are always people who don’t think this applies to betrayed wives in particular. Betrayed women yet again having to suck it up for the benefit of everyone else. It’s crazy!

Just glad the OP did listen to her husband who does know his family.

Avoid the drama and do what your husband wants- it’s his family. In time your son will decide. If he wants them both there, then he or your husband will let them know and at that point they’ll have to get on with it. Kids often just come out with it in front of everyone. It’s then up to the adults to sort it out- it’s actually better that way as the MIL will not want her grandchild upset.

*Didn't you also mention your mil had a 'temper tantrum' when she found out you'd spent time with her ex over Christmas, even though SHE got Christnas eve AND Christmas day with you???? I take it mil is single? I would be seriously concerned that darling mil may include herself in every single event that you plan, becomes an interfering, know-it-all, who undermines all of your parenting skills, and in 20 years time, you will STILL be expected to have Christmas with her, regardless, and never get to forge your 'own' family rituals! Just be careful!

God, I had to deal with this nonsense my entire life as my mother, father, stepfather and stepmother couldn't bear being in the same room as each other. I couldn't trust them not to have a punch-up (it happened before) on my wedding day and didn't want to invite one lot and not the other, so ended up eloping.

It's a shit situation to be in. Yes, I do think they should grow up. But they probably won't so you are stuck in a ridiculous juggling act to keep the peace.

I'd be very upset if I hadn't been invited to my Stepsons baby boys 1st birthday! He calls me Nanna, I call him my grandchild! I'm lucky that I get on with my dh ex wife! So much so that she came to our wedding! We've even babysat him together over a weekend ( she had him over night and we were around during the day to drive them places and take some of the burden!)
I think your MiL does need to grow up, the marriage ended and she needs to get on with her life without upsetting the new generation!
Can you maybe talk to her, tell her how much this means to your new family?

If either of my parents cheated on the other and then married the side piece, id be having zero to do with side piece. Theyd not be welcome in my house, be 2 months or 2 decades later 🤷🏼‍♀️

Your partner has said he would rather his dads wife not be there, its his decision to make not yours. Id go with what he wants.

Invite all parties. If someone doesn't show up at the first one due to someone else being there, invite them to

Invite all 3 to the first party.

If MIL does not show up because SMIL will be there, extend an invite to her to the second party with your family, on her money. Maybe she will grow up in the future.

If FIL and SMIL won't show up because MIL will be there, extend the invite to them for the second party, on their money.

How about just respecting your DH and MiL's wishes and not inviting his stepmother? They're not your family.

Your MIL needs to grow up. However how many people will be at this event? If there will be other people that your FIL and MIL both want to see (like maybe hubby's siblings and their kids), then I'd just invite FIL and partner and MIL, and MIL can give her apologies if she wants. If there won't be other people they both want to see, then maybe invite FIL and partner to this and then do something else special with you and hubby and kid(s), like a day at the zoo or the beach or something.

Why should the stepmother - the OW Dh doesn't want there - get priority over his mother? Why are women being told to "grow up" because they don't want to be in the company of an adulterer who helped end their marriages?