Is there a trend of 50 year olds leaving long term partners?

[CantBelieveNaive]

Is this really a trend? I saw it on a female quotient post today and judging by my 50 year old friends who can afford it, they are leaving them instead of looking forward to. Retirement of waiting on them.
Am even considering myself!
Are you? 👑👢👢

I think menopause does change us. I told a roofer who had turned up (again) to look at a longstanding leak that the hormones that made me nice have gone so he’d better not mess me around.

It is how I feel. It isn’t rage as such. I just seem to have noticed how much I am expected to do for everyone, without anyone noticing. Unless I don’t do it and then they get angry. And me trying to get people to do more of their own shit is often met with pushback. DH is the worst for this & is partly why we are rowing more. He also expected me to sort/manage his health problems which I can’t do - so I have pushed back with his need to be responsible for that, which I think he sees as me being uncaring but I can’t manage them, I work full time and he needs for his own sake/health to be responsible for a long term condition. I shouldn’t have to anyway. I did point out as a hot shot insert job title he should be capable of ordering a prescription himself - and he has since managed it.

He is a good man but I do think our relationship needs to adjust to make it through the later years. After years of raising kids (severely disabled child, so my working life was severely impacted), this is time for me to give something to me and to not have to think about everyone all the time. I largely dream of doing things alone though or visiting female friends. The last thing I would want is another relationship - I’m fed up on men’s needs. DH is a good man. I’m just fed up of having to be the person who is expected to sort everything. Immediately.

@ChiefEverythingOfficer
@snowlady4

Yes. We had an absolutely horrible year where I just couldn't stand him and was raging every day.
I felt taken for granted and I was angry all the time

We worked through it but it was very difficult. Lots of talking and trying to explain to DH how I was feeling.
I carved out more independence which I never really did before but I found I liked being more solitary and doing stuff alone more.
DH has developed his own hobbies and interests too.
We've reached a balance of doing stuff and spending time together when we want while giving each other space to do our own thing when we want as well.

I did go through that hard year just wanting to pack a suitcase and run away though.
I'm on HRT and the rage has calmed now.
Apparently it happens to a lot of women. My sister is currently going through the rage herself. I says to her to hang in there for a year and then see how she feels

I agree and some friends marriages have broken up around late 40s. However in their case they had kids later so they are still school age.

I'm 48, about to start HRT and feeling like I’ve had enough of married life. Kids are only 10 and 12. In another 6 years, if things don’t improve, I can imagine I might want my freedom by then. My parents are elderly and leaning on me now so I feel like I have a lot of people dependent on me and not enough support from Dh. I would rather spend my free time with friends than Dh when the kids leave home. It is sad but that’s how I feel.

My DH has just done it to me. We are both mid-50s.

He told me last year and has just moved out.

I was shocked and upset at first but I wouldn't go back now. I have taken over the mortgage, my house is pleasanter to be in and my children who still live at home are happier.

It's 'amicable' but a bit awkward when he pops round.

I'm glad he waited until I could afford to stay in the house and give him half the equity. It felt sad yesterday when two different friends were posting on Facebook about having been together for 30 years and being congratulated. Our 30th wedding anniversary is this year.

I'm nearly 50 so most of my friends are late 40s / early 50s and I haven't noticed this happening. Although we mostly still have teenagers rather than young adults - so I suppose it may be around the corner. Hopefully not for me and DH - I would like to grow old with him.

@rockingbird

my state of mind completely changed from trying to keep the family together to fuck this shit.

This about sums it up. Women spend their 30’s & 40’s rearing children, running the house and holding down work at the same time. The man (usually) continues in mostly linear fashion, focussing on career goals & his ego in the main alongside various hobbies that conveniently take him away from the realities of the life he has helped create and it only occasionally dawns on him that he has small children in the same house.

The woman gets to a point where she realises that all the hard work has paid off and she sees young adults standing in front of her. The husband meanwhile seems to have regressed and adopts the now vacant, childlike space the kids used to occupy.

The woman feels fucking resentful and begins to wonder who she’s been these past 20 years. The man-child irritates her. She wonders why the fuck he thinks in 1’s all the time and where has her career gone? Why is he not able to put a wash on? Or offer to tidy the house and do some of the shit mundane jobs that she’s been doing. Where is the stimulating conversation? The spark? The camaraderie?

She realises with a jolt that there isn’t anything left in this space for her. She is frightened looking to the future - she doesn’t want to be his eternal carer & housemaid.

She realises that she’s tired beyond belief, but she also has freedom to enact change to make the next passage of her life fit with her desires and wants instead of looking after other people all the fucking time & pushing herself to the back of the queue.

So she leaves.

Just depends what type of men they are with
Being single you get freedom to do whatever you want and only have to think about yourself, your kids are all gone and grown probably by that age, you only have to clean for yourself, cook for yourself and think about yourself. You can go anywhere you want to go because no one else has a say. Sounds amazing to be honest

I implore anyone going through peri/menopause to consider HRT as the benefits are massively far-reaching.

But I just wondered what dose you are on and wondered whether you've considered upping it to see further improvements (I'm also many years post-hyst and have finally benefitted massively from this)?

You can also be wined and dined if so choose. And don't feel like you have to have sex, you want sex you go and find someone to do it with BUT you don't have the constant pressure to keep up your relationship with ... Romance and ... Sex.

I split with my partner of 23 years when I was 50, it was a combination of things, mostly chasing other women and turning into a very selfish man. Broke my heart but I knew it was the right thing.

@LoveSandbanks

When I’m living the dream, I’m going to start a Wives Refuge - I’ll invite my married friends (women only), to come and stay with me for a week/weekend so they can get away from their husbands!

They can stay in bed all week, or drink themselves stupid. I just want to give them an opportunity to be their real selves for once.

Disclaimer: NAMALT.

Hmm, interesting thread. I'm early 50s and no plans to leave DH. Marriage not perfect, but it's interesting that a lot of people who have left/are leaving, talk about being fed up of carrying the load. I've never felt like I'm carrying all the load, so maybe that's why I'm fairly happy. DH does all the cooking, and has always helped out with the kids a lot, from doing night feeds as babies to ferrying them everywhere as teens, and dealing with crises now as young adults. I suppose I carried more of the mental load of knowing what kids needed for school/childcare when they were younger, but that's gone way now. I also look after our finances (even though he earns more), but then I like that because it means I control the money (he has absolutely no interest in money, I could spend all our savings tomorrow and he wouldn't notice).

We definitely rub each other up the wrong way though eg. I like things clean and tidy, he likes clutter.

I think with age there is a feeling of "I've only got 20 years or whatever left, so I'm going to spend that time doing things I enjoy", which means there's less compromising. A simple example would be watching a film (but equally applies to bigger things like holidays/where to live etc) - whereas when younger we would have sat through watching a film that we didn't like for the sake of spending time with the other person, nowadays I don't want to waste that time, so I leave him to watch is old war films (or whatever) on his own. I suppose if one half of a couple is feeling like they're having to live a life where they're not happy most of the time, then they'll get fed up of compromising, which means they then have to split.

I don't think my life would change much if we split. I do what I want within the relationship anyway, as does he. I'd just be lonelier living on my own.

I think one issue is that people can change and 25 years down the line you realise you are by nature of marriage spending a great deal of time with someone who wouldn't have got past date 2 in your younger self.

It has been very common for a good many years now for couples to split up after 20-25 years together. There are many reasons for this, some have been living a half life for years and now perceive freedom and new opportunities while they are still young enough to enjoy. Their children, if they have them, are usually old enough to be able to cope with it.

Sometimes the break up is successful, sometimes not. We cannot judge people's relationships from the outside.

Menopause did drive me batty for about a year. Financially no issues for us as we could have bought another house and I have a decent pension. I raged about and DH gave me space. We decided to celebrate his 50 birthday with a big holiday, I had calmed down by then. Romance rekindled and back on track. It’s 5 years ago now. I do not recognise that woman I was for that year at all.

I just wanted to be alone, I slept in the spare room for about six months, to be honest he was saint like I was so awful to him.

Or maybe they realise they have been carrying the burden of childrearing, housework, everything else for years while he sits on his arse and thinks paying the bills is all he needs to do.
BTW, paying for his own children is precisely serving his purpose, annoyingly when couples split the man will very often try and get out of paying for his own kids.

Just to add the couples I know in their 50s who are still together usually have some things in common:
The man earns more. The woman either doesn’t work at all or works part time hours. They own big, nice houses and have probably paid off the mortgage. No dependant children. The woman spends a lot of time doing what she wants ( not having to work full time.)
I think finances pay a huge part.
Being financially secure softens the blow.
Also having say 4 days a week to get all the housework done and still do your own thing must play a massive part.
I do know lots of couples who are around 50 or Kate 40s and they are on their second marriage.
The couples I know don’t have children to multiple partners either. I think this helps.

This is an excellent point. I met DH when I was 18. Pretty much still a kid. Some of the decisions I made at that age turned out well, some were idiotic.

I have asked myself if I met him now, would we be together?

The answer is a probable 'No.' He's very very different from me in a lot of ways.

I was watching First Dates and it occurred to me what a first date with DH might be like - I don't think there'd be a second 😆

I can't understand why someone would come on a thread where women are happy about leaving awful husbands, to post about how amazing their Nigel is and how said women who left will be mostly lonely, sad and destitute. OK, I believe you, sis 👍

I left an abusive 20+ year marriage, completely fuelled by menopausal rage. I am grateful every single day for my new found peace.

🙂

@CantBelieveNaive kid you not, i was doing some research last week and discovered a couple who divorced in 2019/ they had been married for 52 years!!!!!!!

@mustbemoretolife I think many guys over 45 become rather joyless , they may look better but still turn into victor meldrew in terms of behaviour- it's very wearing

Freedom, finally just for yourself, I reckon.
I'm 44, "married well", child free and would love to be on my own again, after 25 years.
Just one obstacle in my country, still sitting there😂

I know it's strange, I can't help thinking the lady doth protest too much...

Look better than what? The 40+ men I see on OLD look like shit. For every ‘silver fox’ there are 999 that look like something out of The Hills Have Eyes.

Women take care of themselves far better than men do, on the whole.