Is there a trend of 50 year olds leaving long term partners?

[CantBelieveNaive]

Is this really a trend? I saw it on a female quotient post today and judging by my 50 year old friends who can afford it, they are leaving them instead of looking forward to. Retirement of waiting on them.
Am even considering myself!
Are you? 👑👢👢

I went through a menopausal thing of detesting DH, with fantasies which ranged from murdering him (semi seriously) to leaving him.
It was short lived and I settled down again.
It still figures in conversations, along the lines of “after I poison you…”

It is true that in some respects, our interests have diverged, but I think this was always the case, and we always had our own lives and interests, as well as the overlapping ones.
I'm quite happy bogging off on my own, or with a friend, for days out and trips, whereas he prefers to be at home with the dogs.
We go together to concerts and nice meals out.
So no one feels resentful, which I think is one of the factors that destroys relationships.

What they all said. I don't think being in your 50s is particularly relevant it's more that most women have some sort of mid-life epiphany fuelled by a combination of circumstances including the lack of tolerance that often goes with menopause, children growing up and no longer needing both parents as much, women's own growing financial independence after going back to work and the tendency of some men to turn into whiny, stuck in a rut babies when they hit middle age.

I think an awful lot of women get to a "fuck this shit for a laugh" moment. Whether or not they are able to act on it or not depends on factors such as whether they have their own money and how it will impact their children. Which is why those who have hung onto their jobs are usually in a far better position than those who haven't.

I have to say I don't think men and women are really designed to remain in multi-decade relationships. It works well when you're in the trenches with small children and there's a lot to be said for having two of you pull together. But I have seen so many women flourish on their own after child-rearing and their lives really open up in a way which wouldn't happen if they were trudging around after some useless and ungrateful man.

I have constant fantasies about living alone and having no other fucker to take care of.

Does it get better?

I’m 50 and I have to say I’m happy with my partner , i found the early years of our relationship harder than things are now .

I was thinking the same about older mums.
NOT mums in their 30s or early 40s i mean when they're knocking on 50.

My Dad had an affair and left my mum recently. He said it was the age that made him think life's to short to settle for their marriage and left. We now don't have no contact with him. 6 kids and 35 years of marriage, and off he pops! Hopefully mum moves on soon.

Same!

I’ve been counting down the years til our youngest is 18. Fifteen months to go.

No but partly thanks to Mumsnet i have put a lot of work into my relationship plus my Nigel is rather amazing and does sooooo much stuff that it would make you cry. Plus we have always had a good sex life and that’s come back now the kids are teenagers.

but also I guess I am quite selfish. I made sure I earned a bunch of money so being married was always a choice.

my friends have already done their divorces, I am 49. I don’t think there are more to come, as far as I tell. Once the kids hit 6/8 the useless / lazy / boring husbands get jettisoned. But I live in quite an ‘arty’ place, with lots of alternative people, rather than a stepford wives private school + SUV type place.

I’m a ‘put up with shit-menopause-dream about divorce for 10 years - fuck this shit’ escapee. Not quite divorced yet.

Im going to be a 60+ year old, living in a rural cottage, mad about cats and gardening, and never wanting to let a man cross my threshold ever, ever again!

I’ll be living the fucking dream.

Sounds like there might be an influx of 50 year old men back on the market, if they float your boat.

Great for you!
At 50, I realized I had given him the years from 20-50, and the thought of also giving him 50-80 was unconscionable to me.

Never mind living with him, I could hardly look at myself in the mirror. He couldn’t or wouldn’t change, so I had to be the source of that happening. The alternative was to allow whatever future joy I have be wasted on someone who cannot be happy whilst I am there, other than to use my body to wank into.

My life is so much better. People see it, people say it.
Yes, I’ll have to work for more years than I would otherwise- but I can cope with that. I’ve always been a grafter anyway.

This thread is brilliant, a testament to “No time like now”, “It ain’t over till it’s over”, ‘At first I was afraid… I was petrified’ and the women who have rebuilt their lives from the ground up… after giving all and more to trying to make it work. These women deserve your respect and applause.

I’m early fifties and our marriage is probably (if I am being honest) a little problematic at the moment. I’ve started to work full time for the first time in years recently, work with a lot of younger people, have things I want to study & stuff I want to do. I’m exercising more, eating better, wanting to live longer.

dh is worn out from work, has health problems which make him grumpy and has retreated from anything house/life oriented including his own stuff which gives me the rage. He seems to have almost given up - but won’t do anything to seek out support for the mental changes he needs to make. I feel like I should do more, but I can’t make someone take responsibility for their health. It has to come from him.

We’re not about to split up but do need to get over the menopause giving me a new lease of life and him having a tricky time with everything & limited or we are going to drift apart and that seems a lonely way to spend the later years - especially when we are best friends as well as spouses.

I think for me the doing my own thing a pp mentioned is what I need to do (& encourage him to do his own thing too)

@Imgoingtobefree 😆 absolutely living the dream, go on woman. This thread has cheered me up today. I'm delighted to see so many women stepping up and shipping out. Life really is too short for that shit! I love those stories of women married to their best friend and living happily ever after but sadly this appears to be the minority. I'd be interested to hear the exH point of view.. likely to be (in my case anyway) she hit the menopause and went mad. Obviously missing out the finer details of his cheating ways and controlling behaviour.

But whilst these newly single women are apparently living their best life, there are many more single women/women who have left their man or had him leave her, who are very lonely, struggling with everything in life, and are on the bones of their arse, without a pot to piss in. Either scrabbling by with state benefits, or fighting for every last hour at work to get money in to pay the bills.

There's always a slight edge of defensiveness from these people who can't believe women can be happier single. There's a very palpable sense of "I don't have the balls to do it so I don't think you should either."

There's always a financial consideration involved in whether your stay or leave: of course there is, which is one of the reasons so many women stay. But it doesn't follow that because you will take a financial hit by leaving that you are going to be less happy. Many women leave despite the fact that they will be worse off because they are miserable. Many struggle financially for some time. I've yet to read a single post on here from a woman saying: "I left my boring/abusive/cheating/neglectful husband and now I desperately want him back."

Of course this isn't aimed at people whose marriages are working. A happy, supportive marriage is a gift. But it's not the women in happy, supportive marriages who crave freedom.

There's a reason that it tends to be women who instigate divorce, and the reason is that marriage generally suits men far more than it suits women. I've known many women whose marriages broke down in early middle age (including me) and without a single exception they are happier single.

Wonderful for you if you have a great marriage - maybe don't piss on the chips of people trying to get out of a situation where they find out they've been betrayed for decades and make a new life for them and their children. Have a wee think before posting that life is likely to end up shit for them. Jesus

This thread has been interesting. I know every situation is unique but it is very possible to also leave and be happy and not struggle financially (the two may be linked) and meet someone else who is a more suitable partner (if one chooses). I did choose this. It hasn't been a walk in the park but I'd prefer my two young DC see their parents happy than miserable. My life doesn't just belong to my DC but I'm only getting one shot at this and I'd prefer to aim for any happiness and peace of mind that is within grasp.

I know that isn't, due to everyone's own circumstances, always possible. I just wanted to offer another scenario to the one which is post-menopause the woman is unhappy and the man sails off into the sunset.

But I worked my ass off to ensure, like a pp said, that marriage was a choice and not a dependency. I didn't give up my career and chose a well paid industry that allows flexibility over how I work. It isn't for everyone but there can be a (bright) light at the end of the tunnel.

I have seen friends divorcing at this age. I think it is because the children have grown up, and without children they realise they do not want to spend the rest of their life together.
I also think for some it feels like if they are going to divorce they should do it now, before they get older and it gets harder to do e.g. if your partner gets a serious illness.
It is the kind of age where you start to really take in the adage that life is too short.

@SabreIsMyFave I think a lot of couples get bogged down with working full time and raising children and don't realise how poor their relationship actually is. Lockdown also showed to some couples that their relationship was poor as they had time to spend together.

If there is an epidemic of middle aged women leaving long term relationships then it's probably a case of 'what goes around, comes around', it certainly was in my case. The misogyny of 50+ men in my (ex mining) area is off the scale. They then get ill & expect partners to be their faithful nursemaid, just when we've managed to escape mothering responsibilities. No way was I falling for that one, my ex now has COPD & I give as much of a toss as he gave about me when I was heavily pregnant, post natal, ill myself with young kids to care for etc.

Many people want to wait until their kids have finished uni before leaving

44 recently spit living life to the fullest. I will never be able to tolerate the shit I went through again.

SabreIsMyFave
I don't think this is a 'brilliant thread' as a pp said, I think it's desperately sad. Sad that so many women are just sticking with a man they hate, and have seemingly hated for many years, with this countdown to when they can leave. We are not in the middle of the 20th century - you don't have to stick with a man who you are not happy with anymore. Why have these women not left YEARSago if they have been so unhappy, and hated their husband so much for so long?

Really? You can't imagine why women with young children who may have given up their careers to raise them might wait until the kids are older and their finances/ work life is more stable before leaving? How naive.

Just a thought, but I've read several articles in the last few years about slowing and reversing ageing. Momentum is building, and serious money is now being invested in the research. There was a big piece about it in the Sunday Times a few weeks ago, and several books have recently been published. Joe Rogan, for example, is very interested, and has had numerous guests on his podcast chatting about it (David Sinclair in particular).

It's like a damn that's about the burst. Soon, the majority of people will realise that such treatments are on the horizon. Once that happens, I suspect the divorce rate will shoot up. The first drugs to slow ageing will probably appear before 2030. In fact, I read an interview with a science writer who said "in the 2030s, there will be 70-year-olds who look like 30-somethings." All this is beginning to seep into the public consciousness. Women (and no doubt men) are reaching middle age and thinking "well, if there really are such drugs, I might have another 100 years to live. Do I really want to be with him/her all that time?" Let's be honest, many people only stick together because they can't face the hassle and upheaval of divorce. They also fear being old and alone.