Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

[Justablueone]

We have lived next door to our current neighbour for about 6 years, got on ok. No issues. She’s just come out of a very bad relationship (dv) about 8 months ago and ever since has been an absolute nightmare

At first we probably made the mistake of being too available as felt bad for her so when she asked favours we said ok (dropping to school / pick up occasionally, lift to places )

She has had a job at the same place as dp now for the last 3 months, she keeps asking for the same shifts as expects a lift. We’ve had to say no and she’s extremely pissed off and has come round today and told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty that I’m putting obstacles in her way when dp is going there at the same time and it is unfair to make her life more difficult.

I don’t think that having boundaries is hostile unkind and petty???

https://www.mumsnet.com/assets/images/mumsnet-emojis/base/grin.png

how do I add this emoji?? What’s the shortcut? It’s the mn’s grin!

Honestly, I think you and your DP need to sit her down and talk to her about her entitlement. Has she contributed to your petrol and insurance? Bet that hasn’t occurred to her. I think you need to explain that you do not exist to facilitate her kids education or her employment. She needs to start paying her way (the best way to get rid of CFs imo) Since she treats you as a rideshare, she can pay you half of what an Uber (or a taxi - you choose) would cost since you are going that way anyway. “it’s £X each way to school and £Y each way for work.” You expect to be paid in advance for each week by Sunday 6pm or you will assume that she has chosen her own transport for the rest of the week. You will not be picking up groceries or parcels or doing airport runs. This offer is only for six weeks/month/term (whatever) until she can either get herself sorted for transport or adjust her lifestyle to suit accordingly - ie move.

I totally get why you are annoyed. You are a kind person who offered to help in an hour of need. That on going need to think of someone else when planning your schedule would put my head away. What if plans change and then you need to think of the impact on a neighbour. You are totally not being unreasonable. I have fab neighbours for the hour in need, but not constant need.

OP and DH aren’t her parents. They don’t have any responsibility for ensuring she gets to work or for molding her into a responsible and self-sufficient adult who treats generous acts with the gratitude they deserve. In fact it’s pretty infantilising. She’s an autonomous adult, it’s really not their place to tell her what values she ought to have.

It is reasonable and perfectly fine for them to simply put their boundaries in place based on her treatment of them and let her work it out for herself and decide how to alter her world view and behaviour, or not, to get what she wants out of life.

Normally on AIBU, if you started a thread you’d get plenty of support putting boundaries in place. But I’m surprised at the number of people on this thread who seem to think OP’s BU. So maybe try Relationships instead? I’m sure you’d get a helpful response.

As a first step, I would practice some phrase that is pretty much Pheobe’s Friends response of “Oh I would, but I don’t want to.”

Maybe “Oh, sorry. It’s my day off and I don’t really want to spend it helping you do your chores.”

I thought OP was being a bit mean until reading the reply about paying about petrol money.
OP has obviously had enough of someone who is generally a CF, and fair play to her and her DH

I agree. It wouldn't bother me and some people find it pleasant to have company on a journey. My husband gave another chap a lift to and from work for years until the chap and his wife moved away. We've all remained friends.

Surely we are meant to give each other a helping hand; in the case of the lift to and from work, op, it doesn't sound as though the helping hand causes inconvenience, ie your husband doesn't have to drive out of his way to accommodate your neighbour. Other things are different and you have the right to refuse to do anything that overly puts you out.

Getting landed with giving people lifts is a PITA. I agree with the poster who says that driving to work is their time. I got stuck with giving someone a lift regularly andI really resented it because they took away my ‘head time’ and I didn’t want to be forced into conversation first thing every morning.
OP’s neighbour is a cheeky sod and should see to her own travel arrangements.

@Justablueone CFery of the highest order - of course your partner should continue to say no. If I were him I’d leave the house 15 mins early or change shifts, or both. Do not let this woman breach your boundaries

For all the posters suggesting that the OP and her partner are being petty, why don’t you take this CFer to work?

Other things are different and you have the right to refuse to do anything that overly puts you out.

No, they have the right to refuse anything, full stop. Who are you to tell OP/her DH that they can only refuse to do anything that overly puts them out?

Do you think you sound kind right now? Because to me you sound entitled and rude for having the presumption to qualify OP’s rights.

@Justablueone you are not being unreasonable or petty or unkind.

I can’t believe how many people think your neighbour is somehow entitled to a lift to work just because your OH is going there. I’d have exactly the same reaction as you; fine to help them out initially to offer some support but that doesn’t become your lifetime burden.

The world has gone mad.

why didn't you point out to her that it does?

Because it’s not the point. Even if the car used less petrol with her in it, it would still be unreasonable for her to expect a free lift while the DH does all the driving and shoulders all the cost.

what? it is the point! It is exactly the point she made erroneously

What @RawBloomers said.

'Dear CF Neighbour, so happy that things are working out for you in your new job. Would be happy to car share as much as is feasibly possible (commitments not withstanding) and so if you want to do so, a weekly/daily contribution of £XX for travel costs will be applicable. Please let us know if you want to take up this offer,

Many thanks'

All those saying YABU haven't been stuck with a regular lift-taker.
It impinges on you when it is a daily obligation and you do become resentful, especially when no petrol money is offered.
You're waiting sometimes on someone and not only that, stuck with making small talk and on top of that, you cannot be spontaneous - nip to the shops on the way home etc
It becomes a burden, particularly when the lift-taker sees it as a right and acts entitled as opposed to a favour. I did it for two years before saying it didn't work for me anymore so it does need nipping in the bud.

"Surely we are meant to give each other a helping hand"

If this is true, then what helping hand is neighbour giving to OP and her husband @LBFseBrom ? Or is it only one way that you care about? Typical of a CF

She won't even give a bit of petrol money! You may as well have used the pathetic #bekind rubbish

why do you get the blame regarding your dp?

I agree. It wouldn't bother me and some people find it pleasant to have company on a journey. My husband gave another chap a lift to and from work for years until the chap and his wife moved away. We've all remained friends.

So you are friends? OP and CF are not. Did your DH lift cal you names? Did your DH lift refuse payment and was entitled to your vehicle?

It’s not the same at all!

Actually you sound like someone who is very generous with other peoples time and resources.

Let DP explain to her if he doesn't want to take her, this isn't a 'we' job.

The DH wasn’t asking her to pay for the extra petrol/wear and tear on the car. He was asking her to pay a share of the joint costs. So no, her excuse, though incorrect, was not his point.

The neighbour knows it’s unreasonable to ask for lifts and not contribute, she doesn’t care.

It’s better that she refuses to contribute, because if she did offer to pay, OP and her DH may have felt obliged to keep giving lifts. Whereas now they may find it easier to make a clean break and refuse all lifts.

@Justablueone I know there’s a lot of people saying he should just give her a lift, he’s going there anyway, etc. I don’t agree. I understand where you’re coming from. She sounds entitled and demanding and that would definitely put me off doing favours for someone. If she were appreciative and offered something in return then I’d be much more inclined to help out where I could. But her attitude is awful. Changing shifts to cash in on a free lift then refusing to contribute..?! A decent person would ask first “would it be OK if changed my shifts so I could get a lift in please? I’d be happy to contribute some petrol money”. It’s just being polite. She’s changed her shift without checking, expected lifts, refused to contribute and has given you an earful for not giving in to her demands! Why on earth would anyone want to do a favour for someone like that? I wouldn’t! She sounds hard work. You don’t owe her anything. If you don’t care about the relationship (and other than feeling bad for her I can’t see why you would want to maintain the relationship) then I would stop doing her favours. And I’d be prepared to explain that you’ve found her attitude demanding and rude and as a result you don’t want to facilitate her life anymore. You don’t have to be her friend anymore. She’s taken the piss. She could easily have been respectful and nice about it. She chose not to be. People need to know that when they behave like wankers they lose out.

To be honest, her coming round and calling you names has done you a favour! She has killed her golden goose.
You have both been supportive to her and her children for eight long months (with no thoughtfulness or kindness in return ) and it is time for you to prioritise your own family. She was never a friend, just someone who happened to live next door. It is better for her family and real friends to support her now.
I would send a brief text to say that for your own family reasons you are not able to continue to help with lifts for her and her child.Don't over - explain! Good luck!

I don't think you're at fault.
If she has come from a DV relationship she will likely have been completely dependent on the her abusive ex partner because they're likely to have taken away all of her independence so that she was trapped.

I think she has unintentionally 'latched' on to you and because she isn't used to operating fully independently yet she's subconsciously become dependent on you and your partner because that's what she knows and she hasn't gained her confidence fully yet to be independent.

That said its not your and your partners place to take that role for her.
It will feel petty and spiteful to her becaude that help was there without condition and now its been taken away when she has become reliant on it so it's not unreasonable for her to feel that way.

At the same time that doesn't mean it's your responsibility to take on caring roles for a neighbour who you didn't even have a pre existing friendship with.

I would hate to have to give someone a lift every day forever for someone I worked with I need that time alone in my car I'd hate to have to make polite conversation with someone to and from work every single day.
I'd also hate to have the expectation on me to drop off and pick up someone else's child just because we were at the same place as them.

I'd start making myself busy to be honest, if her and your husband are on the same shifts I'd say he had to stop by his mums on the way home so she can't have a lift, I'd say your child has an appointment after school so you can't collect her child. It doesn't sound like there is a two way relationship here, you don't mention her picking up your child or doing any favours for you it seems like you are doing all the work and while that was kind of you initially I think for her own sake she needs to start doing all this stuff herself.