Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

[Justablueone]

We have lived next door to our current neighbour for about 6 years, got on ok. No issues. She’s just come out of a very bad relationship (dv) about 8 months ago and ever since has been an absolute nightmare

At first we probably made the mistake of being too available as felt bad for her so when she asked favours we said ok (dropping to school / pick up occasionally, lift to places )

She has had a job at the same place as dp now for the last 3 months, she keeps asking for the same shifts as expects a lift. We’ve had to say no and she’s extremely pissed off and has come round today and told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty that I’m putting obstacles in her way when dp is going there at the same time and it is unfair to make her life more difficult.

I don’t think that having boundaries is hostile unkind and petty???

Its a shame she's reacted that way OP. You have every right to get some boundaries in place. She's treating you like a taxi service. Her reaction tells you everything you need to know...she ought to be apologising and trying to make some sort of amends or at least be thanking you for your past support.

I have been in this position. It’s better to put boundaries in now, it gets harder not easier as time passes, it’s also pretty thankless because after a while it’s just expected. I would be kind, but assertive with her. Acknowledge she has been through a hard time - but now she needs to take the reins.

She sees her meal ticket slipping away and only then has seen fit to (slightly) adjust her behaviour. I think your new offer is more than generous and I hope you'll make sure you're free completely from the summer holidays onwards, forevermore!

If she’s cheeky enough to refuse to contribute to the petrol then she should be refused a lift.
She’ll probably fall out with you but reading your posts I’d say it would be no less.

Going through a rough time does not entitle anyone to play victim and use neighbours and friends as free transport services.

Does she want ‘alone’ time with your husband? I don’t know but I don’t trust people who exploit or use their ‘victim’ status to manipulate others into helping them.

YADNBU, OP. This is CFery of the highest order and she's really taking the piss now. Just ignore the 'why can't you just be kind' crew. Both they and your neighbour seem to think that your and DH's cars are public spaces that other people are entitled to use if they happen to be going in the same direction as you, and you have to be 'overly put out' to object to it. Such a weird attitude. You and DH are not chauffeurs working for free. I mean, if you'd invited her into your house one evening to watch TV when hers was broken, for example, would that mean she's entitled to come into your house and plonk herself down in your armchair whenever she feels like it on the grounds that 'you've got the TV on anyway'? Your house is your personal space and your car is your pesonal space, not a taxi anyone can hire. Inviting someone to come into your private spaces is a privilege and a kindness, not a right she's entitled to forever.

I would hate having someone in my car on the way to work and back every single day, especially if they weren't even contributing towards petrol costs. It's not just having to make polite chitchat (which can take a lot of effort early in the morning or when you're tired after a long shift at work) when maybe I'd rather just have some music on and sing along, it's also the lack of flexibility. Like, what if your DH would really like to stop off at the gym on the way home, or pop in to see his mum, or go to the pub with friends, or whatever. As things stand at the moment, he'd have to clear this with your neighbour, and almost get her permission, even though he's driving his own car that he and you pay for. People here keep prattling about doing her a favour, or giving a helping hand. This is waaaaay beyond that now. Doing her a favour would be giving her a lift now and then when she's stuck, not ferrying her around every single freaking day, month after month. In your and DH's place, I'd be resentful and pissed off, even before she was so obnoxious and rude to you. Hope you can get this sorted out soon, and don't feel bad even for a moment. You've done nothing wrong. She's a user.

I’m anticipating she will ask for childcare in summer but we are away the first 2 weeks and I’m not going to agree to it !

My husband gave another chap a lift to and from work for years until the chap and his wife moved away. We've all remained friends.

Well, bully for you. But this is totally beside the point - and the OP has every right to say no, whether it 'overly puts her out' or not.

it doesn't sound as though the helping hand causes inconvenience, ie your husband doesn't have to drive out of his way to accommodate your neighbour.

Again, totally beside the point - and you have no idea of any possible inconvenience: not everyone enjoys company on a drive, some people like 'me' time (especially at the beginning or end of a working day, some people don't like being used as a taxi service, etc. etc.).

(...so enlightening to read the number of people who are happy to organise someone else's life for them.)

I think @Underwatersally post is quite pertinent really. It's probably a much bigger issue than just a lift to work. Or the school run.

The level of co-dependency in a DA relationship can be very difficult to adjust to when you leave. I supported two friends in leaving relationships like this and they really just switched their co-dependency to me. It often manifested in what seemed like entitiled and selfish behaviour but was underpinned by a fear of having to be independent. Or simply not knowing how to do things for themselves.

Is/has your neighbour been getting support from any DA agencies? One of my friends was very reluctant to accept that kind of help and in the end I had to really distance myself from her and be blunt that she had to stand on her own two feet a bit more. Long term that ended up being the best thing for her.

But ultimately you don't owe this woman anything, you have extended a great deal of help and kindness already but it would honestly be in her best interest to force her hand in being more independent.

Yes I think she needs to be more independent but even with the offer of one day a week she said she would text the night before whatever day she wanted ! I said ‘no - I’m only able to do it on Wednesdays ‘

I know this is not your responsibility but if you see any notices/flyers about summer schools/camps (preferably ones that your own kids wouldn't be interested in), send them in her direction, a kind of "saw this, thought of you" thing. Pop them in her letterbox.

Then she can't say she wasn't told about the wonderful summer school that's doing pottery/basket weaving/knitting/whatever that she could have sent her kids to.

This!!
And it's also the fact that she's arranged for her shifts to be the same as your partners and assumes before even asking that she'll get a lift there and back! On top of everything else you've done for herI think she's taking the mick!

That’s a really good idea, I’ll do that. It’s not that I don’t want to help but I need to offer help that supports her gaining independence rather than just being the solution myself

I think you’re entitled to do whatever you choose. She’s an adult and not your responsibility - I can’t imagine anything worse than having to carshare everyday, now and again that’s fine but everyday? Nope!

A good thread about being careful and too friendly with others on the same raod as you and who work your way

My OH preferred a lift when younger as dikd i but we paid them - not only was it cheaper but more importantly in the winter the car was warmer as the others lived about 10 mins up the road and passed our way - we liked them and them us but we paid and happy to pay

I think it’s absolutely fine if you or your DH don’t want to give lifts. I don’t drive and when I worked nights I would get a lift from a neighbour but I would never ever expect it to be a regular thing and it sometimes wasn’t. I would also give him petrol money every week as it was polite. It was up to me to find a way to and from work.

While your DH was under no obligation to give lifts this was a bit mean.
Surely this is between your DH and the neighbour, why are you gettting involved?

@Fargo79

IT'S NOT SHARING when it's all one way. The neighbour is taking all the lifts, and giving nothing back. Then throwing her dummy out of her pram and being nasty to the OP for wanting to stop the lifts.

It's not that hard to comprehend. 🙄

Bloody hell life is too short to let people shit over you, USE you, and take the piss out of you by assuming you're their free taxi!

@Picklewicklepickle · Yesterday 16:14

Lol at all the posters who would happily commit to giving their neighbour a lift to and from work every day and take their kids to and from school every day with no complaints, of course you fucking would.

@ilurktherforeiam · Yesterday 16:28

Reality is that they wouldn't. People who make the comments about just doing it and being kind are ALWAYS the takers, not the givers. Really easy to pretend you are generous and help everyone while anonymous online. But if you read their posts they never do come across as 'kind' people, just manipulative and insulting to those who don't want to run around after 'takers'.

100% this. The "oh just be kind!" posters are making my eyes roll into the back of my head. I don't believe for a SECOND that these posters would tolerate someone taking the piss out of them; cadging free lifts, and inserting themselves into their lives on a day to day basis. Then throwing a tantrum because the person they're mugging off wants to stop the cheekyfuckery!

The fact she walked into my home and called me names would mean I would never do anything for her ever again.

Absolute entitled cheeky cow. She can do one.

Waste upwards of £5K on fees etc, disrupt your child's lives, take the risk of even worse neighbours ... or have one conversation shutting her down.

Reading your first post so no idea if there’s a big drip feed. Carpooling is a common thing, but it’s her entitled attitude i’m guessing?

Carpooling suggests people travelling regularly to the same place taking it in turns to do the driving; or maybe, if only one of them drives, at least properly sharing the costs (which I would say should be weighted more towards the non-driver, as the driver is having to pay to run, tax, insure and maintain the car as well as just the petrol).

But why not housepooling as well, where somebody who lives near you can just pop over to yours when they fancy it, put the telly on, grab a sandwich and chill out on the sofa at yours? Why do people even want to have their own private household that isn't an open house for any and all comers?

YANBU

Making her life more difficult!? As if her life is your responsibility! The entitlement!

This entirely. She hasn't seen the error of her ways at all; she's just trying to do the minimum she has to in order to cling on to the good deal that she knows she had.

Any half-decent person would have insisted on paying half of the petrol for their door-to-door service, without having to be asked.

Plus there's no guarantee that she actually will pay for her share of the petrol. She could very easily pay for the first few days, but then 'forget'; or promise to give it to you on payday (and then never do so); or she has an unexpected cost so that she 'can't afford' to give it to you (her child's shoes let the rain in, but YOU want to leave a little one with soaking wet feet so that YOU can have the money instead etc.); or insist she already gave it to you; or give you a cheapo and unwanted token 'present' and then make out that it's the equivalent of a week's petrol money.

Even if she does regularly and consistently pay, she will probably see it like she's doing you a massive favour, that's really lucrative for you, rather than simply paying her way.

Can't believe how many people think YABU. She gets to essentially use your car, cost free, whilst you pay the cost of having a car. Tell her to get her own fucking car and to pick up her own kids. It's not the fact you're going out your way it's the invasion of personal space and sheer cheekiness of it all. Watch, she might start demanding you knock your joining wall through soon, may as well you've adopted an adult and her kids.

I can't think of anything worse than being trapped in a car having to make small talk with someone I don't particularly like!