Page 13 | Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

hettie · 19/04/2024 10:53

So....I see the environmental benefit of sharing transport. But this isn't alternating lifts is it. She's not even paying petrol.
I have a very demanding job which is very interpersonally 'giving'. I use my commute time to decompress (as it happens I try to mostly cycle/take the train). I actually couldn't tolerate regularly sharing a lift with someone I need quiet and my own company. Some people might not mind but it would be nails down a blackboard territory for me. Doesn't make unkind or not empathetic (I am in spades in my profession) just needing of my own space at some point in the day.
You don't have to justify your choice it's just your preference.

iLovee · 19/04/2024 10:53

I wouldn't do this to help a NDN, it would be different if you are actually friends but there is no way I would want to be this pally with someone who sounds like a bit of a chancer.

Its up to her to build her village, you don't need to be a central part of it!

It's her responsibility to get herself to a job, just as its her responsibility to get her kids to school! Are you children friends OP?I do think its very kind to do drop offs once a week.

Somerandomgirl · 19/04/2024 11:36

Find her a man ;)

But really she pribably needs support you dont know what shes been through, at least she works and all. You're going to same school anyway..and going to same work anyway... just be kind to each other... you never know when turns would reverse and u might be in her situation... cant be friends with everyone, we're all different, just cause her personality doesnt fit yours dont make her life difficult... help her she needs you right now

SilverDoe · 19/04/2024 11:51

I do understand that some will think it's unkind but this would be overbearing to me and having someone in my life to such an extent when they were uninvited and unknown to me would be incredibly offputting.

For the sheer fact of living near someone, you are dropping off and picking up their kids frequently, and have become their primary mode of transport to work?

Too much for me unfortunately.

DriveMeCrazy1974 · 19/04/2024 11:56

Catza · 18/04/2024 15:17

And this is indeed a petty reason not to give a lift to her.

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No it isn't a petty reason at all. Why should the OP's husband do something for somebody who can't even be bothered to ask in a polite way? I wouldn't!

ShadesofPoachedSmoke · 19/04/2024 11:58

Justablueone · 19/04/2024 09:19

She came round and apologised and said she has just been stressed - she said she can pay petrol money going forward and she just really needs support as has no family nearby etc. we’ve said to her that we can’t do the lifts anymore but we are happy to do one day a week where we drop kids off and pick up till the summer holidays - I don’t want to be heartless but she was really rude to me and I’m trying to be nice scaling back the support gradually

I wonder if she's read the thread

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/04/2024 12:06

Another vote for "it sounds like she's on Mumsnet", OP, but you've done the right thing - offering a day's help a week but not all the time

Be prepared for pushback and sudden "emergencies" though, when she tries to recreate the situation she enjoyed before

Edited for typo

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 19/04/2024 12:17

"we don’t want to adopt her"
sorry this just made me

You're absolutely right to pull back OP, it sounds like you were very helpful and supportive initially but she defintitely has to learn to stand on her own two feet now.

billybear · 19/04/2024 12:27

what about if your husband is off ill or on annual leave how does she get to work then imagine hes been up all night being sick phoned in work ill,then neighbour knocks on the door for a lift,i acually was in similar position years ago, wanted to call at a shop on the way home from work or had an appointment after work the person having a free ;lift moaned about it, very cheeky ,

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 19/04/2024 12:32

one off lifts, especially when reciprocal, are nice to help someone out. Having to give someone a lift every day with nothing in return is exhausting and impacts on your wellbeing. It is a big ask from somebody and if they don’t realised that/ feel entitled I would not be happy

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/04/2024 12:57

DriftingDora · 19/04/2024 08:52

Definitely get DH’s boss/manager on side so she can’t put some sort of HR claim against him or make out he’s being unfair by not giving her lifts.

Er? Is it in his contract of employment that he gives the neighbour lifts?

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Of course it isn't in his contract that he gives neighbour lifts.

But, she may try to make life difficult for him, saying she has no other way to get to work, the shift pattern suits her work/life balance etc.

Of course it's totally down to her to sort her own shit out (car and childcare) but if she's been hostile and aggressive (which in my mind she has been) whilst confronted, this sort of person could turn nasty and escalate things at OP's DH's work, if they're so inclined. But this person seems to be a CF and this has escalated.

Whenever I've had my lifts sorted, first one, I was having issues getting in but they wanted me to continue as it was a year's contract covering mat leave. The HR manager spoke to me and said he'd asked the MD's PA if she was willing to give me a lift every day which she was as it was on her way in. It wasn't in her or my contract to do this, was just verbal (not sure what I had in way of a contract!) but I'd never have been able to have to got to work for 8.15am every morning if she hadn't offered me a lift, I'd tried to get 2 buses and it wasn't easy to get there on time and I didn't have a car at the time (but was working on getting one, long story).

The second job I did have a car but it was old/unreliable and as I was getting trains into work I didn't think to replace it, as I didn't really need it as it was just outside SW London. Person offered me a lift after 3-6 months, not in either of our contracts and I could easily get in by train.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/04/2024 13:06

Justablueone · 19/04/2024 09:39

That’s a really good idea, I’ll do that. It’s not that I don’t want to help but I need to offer help that supports her gaining independence rather than just being the solution myself

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What's really interesting, in my experience is the people who have been on the bones of their arse, in really bad situations, when people 'have' stopped helping and enabling them, in the vast majority of scenarios, they claw things back and get back on their feet, even if they're ND, SEN, suffered from DA etc.

Sometimes the absolute worst you can do for them is to give them too much help and support, as they end up relying on you and not relying on themselves.

Glad it's been sorted out a bit OP.

Lavenderandbrown · 19/04/2024 13:13

I just really don’t like the idea of her traveling every day in DH car with him/dependent on him/praising him for saving her. Pp have said this but I want to echo it once more. It seems like a volatile situation to me. She’s needy. And of course if you came on here in six months and said…DH is having affair with NDN he has been giving lifts to every day and they work together and she’s just out of a relationship there would be a whole chorus of …what were you thinking OP letting her in his car? So well done handling this uncomfortable situation before it spiraled and stand firm OP you are only responsible
for your family.

Em1ly2023 · 19/04/2024 13:39

Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:13

We have lived next door to our current neighbour for about 6 years, got on ok. No issues. She’s just come out of a very bad relationship (dv) about 8 months ago and ever since has been an absolute nightmare

At first we probably made the mistake of being too available as felt bad for her so when she asked favours we said ok (dropping to school / pick up occasionally, lift to places )

She has had a job at the same place as dp now for the last 3 months, she keeps asking for the same shifts as expects a lift. We’ve had to say no and she’s extremely pissed off and has come round today and told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty that I’m putting obstacles in her way when dp is going there at the same time and it is unfair to make her life more difficult.

I don’t think that having boundaries is hostile unkind and petty???

She’s not your responsibility & needs to make her own way to and from work. She sounds incredibly entitled & ungrateful.

I would keep a civil (& very big) distance from now on.

(And to all of those asking what the big deal is, I doubt they would have that attitude if in your position :)

Crumpleton · 19/04/2024 13:53

Justablueone · 19/04/2024 09:29

Yes I think she needs to be more independent but even with the offer of one day a week she said she would text the night before whatever day she wanted ! I said ‘no - I’m only able to do it on Wednesdays ‘

You can't be expected to put your life on hold waiting around for text messages from people that think you're one purpose in life is to be at their beck and call.

I did have some sympathy for your DN but never has the saying 'Give them an inch and they'll take a mile' sounding more true.

Don't bother anyone by jumping on me for having an opinion cause no shits will be given......
But for someone that's recently out of a DV relationship she's very forward in what she expects from you and your DP, infact she sounds quite out spoken.

BeachBeerBbq · 19/04/2024 15:41

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/04/2024 12:57

Of course it isn't in his contract that he gives neighbour lifts.

But, she may try to make life difficult for him, saying she has no other way to get to work, the shift pattern suits her work/life balance etc.

Of course it's totally down to her to sort her own shit out (car and childcare) but if she's been hostile and aggressive (which in my mind she has been) whilst confronted, this sort of person could turn nasty and escalate things at OP's DH's work, if they're so inclined. But this person seems to be a CF and this has escalated.

Whenever I've had my lifts sorted, first one, I was having issues getting in but they wanted me to continue as it was a year's contract covering mat leave. The HR manager spoke to me and said he'd asked the MD's PA if she was willing to give me a lift every day which she was as it was on her way in. It wasn't in her or my contract to do this, was just verbal (not sure what I had in way of a contract!) but I'd never have been able to have to got to work for 8.15am every morning if she hadn't offered me a lift, I'd tried to get 2 buses and it wasn't easy to get there on time and I didn't have a car at the time (but was working on getting one, long story).

The second job I did have a car but it was old/unreliable and as I was getting trains into work I didn't think to replace it, as I didn't really need it as it was just outside SW London. Person offered me a lift after 3-6 months, not in either of our contracts and I could easily get in by train.

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If HR would come to me and told me to provide lifts to someone at work, I would be kn linkedin faster than one can say "fuck that".
Hr manager asking PA is quite some imbalance of power to be able to easily say no without there being "she/he is difficult and not team player" later....

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 19/04/2024 15:47

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/04/2024 12:57

Of course it isn't in his contract that he gives neighbour lifts.

But, she may try to make life difficult for him, saying she has no other way to get to work, the shift pattern suits her work/life balance etc.

Of course it's totally down to her to sort her own shit out (car and childcare) but if she's been hostile and aggressive (which in my mind she has been) whilst confronted, this sort of person could turn nasty and escalate things at OP's DH's work, if they're so inclined. But this person seems to be a CF and this has escalated.

Whenever I've had my lifts sorted, first one, I was having issues getting in but they wanted me to continue as it was a year's contract covering mat leave. The HR manager spoke to me and said he'd asked the MD's PA if she was willing to give me a lift every day which she was as it was on her way in. It wasn't in her or my contract to do this, was just verbal (not sure what I had in way of a contract!) but I'd never have been able to have to got to work for 8.15am every morning if she hadn't offered me a lift, I'd tried to get 2 buses and it wasn't easy to get there on time and I didn't have a car at the time (but was working on getting one, long story).

The second job I did have a car but it was old/unreliable and as I was getting trains into work I didn't think to replace it, as I didn't really need it as it was just outside SW London. Person offered me a lift after 3-6 months, not in either of our contracts and I could easily get in by train.

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I hope you appreciate what they did for you. That was a big ask of the pa and actually think given that it was regular and came from her md then it was an unacceptable ask and should have come out of her working hours.

DriftingDora · 19/04/2024 17:38

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/04/2024 12:57

Of course it isn't in his contract that he gives neighbour lifts.

But, she may try to make life difficult for him, saying she has no other way to get to work, the shift pattern suits her work/life balance etc.

Of course it's totally down to her to sort her own shit out (car and childcare) but if she's been hostile and aggressive (which in my mind she has been) whilst confronted, this sort of person could turn nasty and escalate things at OP's DH's work, if they're so inclined. But this person seems to be a CF and this has escalated.

Whenever I've had my lifts sorted, first one, I was having issues getting in but they wanted me to continue as it was a year's contract covering mat leave. The HR manager spoke to me and said he'd asked the MD's PA if she was willing to give me a lift every day which she was as it was on her way in. It wasn't in her or my contract to do this, was just verbal (not sure what I had in way of a contract!) but I'd never have been able to have to got to work for 8.15am every morning if she hadn't offered me a lift, I'd tried to get 2 buses and it wasn't easy to get there on time and I didn't have a car at the time (but was working on getting one, long story).

The second job I did have a car but it was old/unreliable and as I was getting trains into work I didn't think to replace it, as I didn't really need it as it was just outside SW London. Person offered me a lift after 3-6 months, not in either of our contracts and I could easily get in by train.

Show quote history

But, she may try to make life difficult for him, saying she has no other way to get to work, the shift pattern suits her work/life balance etc.

This is, quite frankly, bonkers. How, exactly, could the neighbour do that without making herself look a crackpot? Especially bearing in mind that she knew exactly where the firm was located when she took the job - so getting there is her problem, nobody else's?

Employers have better things to do than get involved in petty complaints - and have you considered that it could rebound on the employer if they did interfere, taking the neighbour's side and trying to put pressure on her fellow employee? The OP's partner could, quite rightly, complain themselves.

The OP's partner is not bringing the company into disrepute by dancing in the street naked - he is refusing a lift. It is not part of his contract of employment - and what leg would the neighbour have to stand on to make him give her a lift every day?

Neighbour: Please, Boss, Jim won't give me a lift to and from work every day, even though he's my neighbour. And I need to get to work - the shift pattern suits my work/life balance (neighbour then has a tantrum on the spot)

Boss: So what? (thinks: your work/life balance? Are you mistaking me for someone who cares?) 😂

independentfriend · 19/04/2024 18:10

I don't think there's a set length of time it takes people to 'move on' from domestic abuse. Probably worth pointing her back at Women's Aid / some of the other domestic abuse charities who should be set up to provide longer term support.

Her finances are probably a mess, (esp if there was financial abuse) meaning buying a car may not be feasible for a while. Can work help her out with a season ticket loan?

LouDeLou · 19/04/2024 18:35

Yuk, tell her to f off and find herself another taxi service!

You don't owe her anything, you are certainly not there to "make her life easier".

Jewel52 · 19/04/2024 18:43

Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:25

I feel as if we were too helpful initially and that was fine and when we’ve tried to scale back support it’s not what she wants I get that she’s had a hard time but she isn’t making an effort just wanting to rely on us

You are perfectly entitled to set boundaries but I wonder if it’s your approach to scaling down the support that’s got her back up. In particular the “just get a car” comment and “not helping herself”. They’re judgemental and perhaps not recognising that her financial circumstances may have changed after splitting with a contributing partner.

i’d probably just have set a timeframe on the car sharing thing and made sure that she was making other arrangements before pulling the transport rug out from under her. But then I’m a big believer in Karma so wouldn’t want the payback!

tigger1001 · 19/04/2024 18:51

I would happily give the odd lift to someone, but absolutely not on a daily basis. Irrelevant if we were going the same way every day. And to not be prepared to share fuel costs..,, absolutely not.

That kind of commitment gets tying very quickly. Limits the opportunity to do overtime, pop to the shops, finish a bit early etc. and the the guilt factor when off sick or taking a last minute day off for any reason.... nope!

Op you and your partner are not wrong for setting boundaries. And the fact that she is deliberately trying to be on the same shifts as your partner wouldn't sit well with me.

MichaelFlatleyLordoftheDance · 19/04/2024 18:55

While I understand why some might consider not giving her a lift as being "petty," I honestly feel like this could be the beginning of asking (or demanding) for a lot more. It's a slippery slope. Regular favours can very quickly become doing A LOT for them. It could be she's struggling to find this new normal for her and adjust to this big change in her life, but that doesn't mean you have to hold her hand through every single obstacle.

BeachBeerBbq · 19/04/2024 18:58

But then I’m a big believer in Karma so wouldn’t want the payback!

They have enough good karma credit from helping that setting their boundaries will not throw the balance (not like it should anyway!)...

Devora13 · 19/04/2024 19:04

I can understand that you feel you are now being used/taken advantage of. If I was being helped out to this extent, I would certainly be offering petrol money not waiting to be asked, and I certainly wouldn't 'bite the hand that feeds me' by being rude and abusive.
I think I would be communicating to her that you were both happy to help out when she split with her ex, but don't feel that you deserve to be dismissed or criticised for the help you have provided.
You don't feel that you can continue to help someone who is being hostile, but you wish her all the best for the future as she moves forward and now makes her own support and travel arrangements.

I'd do it by email so that should she start spreading nasty rumours about you, you can share what has happened with others if you wish.