To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

[breezea]

I expect to be told I’m a nasty son so for this.

But AIBU to think I might be losing attraction to DP slightly because of his career?

We are both late 20s. Met at uni where we were both doing PhDs. Been together four years and lived together for three. He is a wonderful guy and although we had pretty serious issues early on, for the past two years it’s been great. We have our own niggles but don’t we all?

I will preface by saying that I am very money driven. I grew up poor in an immigrant family and so for me, wealth is very important. I am very ambitious and as such I have what many would consider a high flying career.

When I met dp, he had similar ambitions. He wanted to go into a niche role which is very coveted and extremely well paid. He’s applied numerous times for these jobs but never gets one. This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities. He doesn’t have the skill set required despite being very bright.

He has now found himself feeling defeated and heading down a career path doing something he doesn’t want to do. He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

So now we are at a point where I significantly out earn him. To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get. He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

I think you need to step back and ask yourself if prestige is something you value more than the love of a good man. You seem determined to appear to have made something of yourself after a poor childhood and I get that but, what would happen if you meet a man who earns what you deem to be enough but there’s other attributes that you don’t like?
However, I’m not sure you have respect for the guy you are with now, so maybe you should let him find someone who does.

The unreasonable part of this is you being his skivvy.

Your aspirations no longer match, so I can see why your attraction is waning. Shared values are important for a successful relationship, so having such different attitudes towards something as fundamental as finances is not a good start.

As for his ‘joke’ - that would dry me right up!

Actually, what is odd is someone earning a lot of money and taking time out at 2pm ish on a workday to post on Mumsnet :)

Whilst I don’t necessarily disagree with you, I think we need to acknowledge that saying ‘being wealthy really isn’t important’ is only a luxury afforded to people who live in countries with a welfare state and free healthcare, otherwise bring wealthy really is important. OP says she is from an immigrant background so possibly views money / wealth very differently to someone who was born in the uk.

Incorrect. Depends on the area in the City. If you are looking at some Economics/Econometrics speciality areas which are very well paid, you can find a lot of PhDs. What you say about age is incorrect also. I almost did a PhD and I would have been finished by 24. Five years is enough to make serious salary progression in some areas. I did a top MBA and my salary tripled over a short period before I was thirty.

What about this for a scenario. You break up and circumstances change. He gets a break and earns great money and / or you lose your job. Would you want him back ? Your entitled to your own values but they seem very shallow to me. Money and material goods dont equal happiness.

@oakleaffy, She did not say she was him for his money.I have been rich and poor and when I was poor I was also 5'7", a bit dim in the way of the world and lazy round the house. Once i was well off, I was 5'11", very clever, wise, great around the house and a great cook.
She is with a man who is far poorer than expected, who is clearly in a vulnerable place emotionally. She has lost attraction because of that and it is perfectly understandable. She stuck with him while he was a PhD student, so she is clearly not a pure gold digger.

It’s fine to not want to do all the cooking and cleaning when you both work. But being upset that he doesn’t earn as much as you thought he might is ridiculous.

Ok, so data science roles in the City require PhDs. Quants as well. Forgive my lack of imagination. I was thinking along the lines of front office roles in PE, Investment Banking, Consultancy and BigLaw.

£100K by 30 is not all that much in terms of City pay. I assumed the OP was aiming higher than that.

Your wealth bought you four inches of height?

I can see where you’re coming from in some sense. It’s hard for people to understand how much value you place on financial security unless they’ve known poverty. His comments about you supporting him and his lack of ambition must be very worrying to you. My ex was similar, very bright with a lot of potential but not bothered about money at all. He used to say that he wouldn’t end up homeless because his parents owned two houses and that was good enough for him. Well it wasn’t for me and that’s part of the reason why he’s an ex.

It seems that you don’t share the same values and life goals, so maybe it’s best to just end it.

I don't think it's 'rare' in certain circles , I know many couples like this (I've worked in both tech and finance). They usually met at uni or work!DH and I had we stayed in London could've earned this amount as contractors.
Quite a few double PhDs too 😁

@blueshoes A salaried role isn't the only way to make a lot of money even compliance contract staff can make over 100K. Of course, the take home , stability of work etc is different from a salaried job but the headline figure is very possible

Sounds like you don’t love him, you love his money, and fair play you have been honest to us about this.

Time to break it off.

When you do find somebody with the right level of income, make sure they understand that you will leave them if at any point they become ill and either mentally or physically unable to bring home the money you are after. It’s only fair to let people know what sort of ‘relationship’ they are entering into.

And as much as I hate to say it our 'free' healthcare is so bad that many are having to go private. Especially if you have a child with SEN or MH issues. It can be the difference between having a happy, healthy well adjusted young adult or .. well I don't want to type the opposite.

It shouldn't be this way. But it is.

Please explain how you were poor at 5ft 7in and became rich at 5ft 11in? Is it heels I’ve been missing all my life?

You can leave him for any reason you want. I’d imagine a lot of people wouldn’t want to be with someone who values earning potential and financial wealth so highly though so perhaps look at setting aims for flats etc at what you can achieve alone. There’s no pockets in a shroud as my granny used to say!

I think yabu if it’s just about the money. If he’s a good guy and as you say has decent hours and good pay then that’s plenty more than many men tbh.

However yanbu if it’s that your life goals don’t align with each other. Or if there are other problems in the relationship. I would be very annoyed to have a high flying career (maybe with stress or long hours) and then have to cook, clean and wash for my partner. I would probably tell him (only half jokingly) if he wants to be a househusband he needs to show me he’d actually be good at housework!!

How is it any different to "he's not as kind/funny/Conservative/Labour/artsy/dry as I thought"?

Well you don’t love him do you? You clearly want to be part of a wealthy successful partnership and he doesn’t qualify. I think you are being a bit cold and might run into problems at some point where relationships are concerned. People are people, with flaws, anomalies, health issues, wrong decisions. Even if you meet someone that qualifies as a high earning ambitious partner they might well
not want a flat in central london, they might lose their job, become ill, decide to opt out of the rat race to make artisan cheese. And if you love someone you support them and see it as the whole package, not a salary on legs.

I did economics and maths at uni so my friends are mainly economists/mathematicians/computer scientists.

Very possible to be on a lot more than 100k at 30 with a PhD and those sorts of skills

(Of course, some also went into academia/teaching/etc etc)

Reading your post OP makes me cringe , so mercenary. As long as bills are paid there is so much more to a person than how much money they earn .

Ditch him then.

No, but it certainly made me seem genuinely smarter and taller to many women. I do not think the OP is looking for a payday, I think she finds him unattractive now. He has low status, is emotionally needy and poorer than expected. That is perfectly normal.

Well you don’t love him do you? You clearly want to be part of a wealthy successful partnership and he doesn’t qualify.

That’s what it boils down to, @SophieinParis , she doesn’t love him, their values aren’t aligned so they should part ways now.

At nearly 50, I’ve seen huge changes in my friends’ careers-from the investment banker married to a trader who lost his job in the 2008 financial crisis and has earned far less ever since (they’re happy, she’s fine being the main breadwinner) to the engineer who retrained as a nurse in her 40’s and now earns far less, but she’s very good at her job. Her DH didn’t dump her either.

If you love each other, you generally adapt to changes; if you don’t, best to finish it now.

but it certainly made me seem genuinely smarter and taller to many women.

Seem is doing a lot of heavy lifting there. It just made you look richer.