To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

[breezea]

I expect to be told I’m a nasty son so for this.

But AIBU to think I might be losing attraction to DP slightly because of his career?

We are both late 20s. Met at uni where we were both doing PhDs. Been together four years and lived together for three. He is a wonderful guy and although we had pretty serious issues early on, for the past two years it’s been great. We have our own niggles but don’t we all?

I will preface by saying that I am very money driven. I grew up poor in an immigrant family and so for me, wealth is very important. I am very ambitious and as such I have what many would consider a high flying career.

When I met dp, he had similar ambitions. He wanted to go into a niche role which is very coveted and extremely well paid. He’s applied numerous times for these jobs but never gets one. This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities. He doesn’t have the skill set required despite being very bright.

He has now found himself feeling defeated and heading down a career path doing something he doesn’t want to do. He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

So now we are at a point where I significantly out earn him. To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get. He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

I have no idea* how you've extrapolated that he has 'low status, is emotionally needy and poorer than expected*' from OP's post.

I mean yes, he's poorer than she expected but he could be making a perfectly reasonable salary. As to the rest, it sounds like a lot of projecting from your own experience of how you see yourself and other men.

I don't think very successful men want a wife who's only attractive, the power couple is very much a thing, but they don't marry unattractive women either.

@PumpkinPieAlibi, It looks like she is being ganged up on. It is little wonder she has not replied again.

Your goals are important to you.
You have outgrown him so it's time to part ways before you totally lose respect for him.
Why the hell are you keeping house for him though? Don't debase yourself like this. Let him do his own bloody laundry and cleaning.
Sounds to me that you need to part ways he isn't contributing anything to your life or your future.

Also, to the posters saying this is about ambition, not money, I think you're being far too sympathetic in your interpretation. I fully agree that a lack of ambition is unattractive (in both men and women) but it doesn't sound like OP's partner lacks that. Rather, it sounds like he is in a particularly difficult field to get into and there was no guarantee that he would have gotten the niche job, despite OP's hopes and dreams. He's clearly smart, well-educated and despite having the potential to earn more, is not choosing to stay unemployed in the false belief that he deserves a certain kind of job only. Besides, if OP's partner was given a large inheritance from a family member or had a trust fund, and was gifted enough money to purchase her dream Central London home, I doubt she'd be feeling like this. Ambition and earning potential is a red herring in this instance...it's about the money and the lifestyle that OP expects/dreams of.

To answer your question OP - you really should dump him. Anything in life can happen and if your attraction to your partner is contingent on their bank balance, you really should set up yourself up for success by choosing someone who is independently wealthy/ comes from family money. At least that way, things like redundancies, career burnout, recessions, ill health, disability, retraining for a lesser-paid career and all the other likely things that can negatively impact an ambitious person's earnings will not impact you.

I can empathise with both of you . I started young being very ambitious and then hit a massive bump so I paused my dreams for a few years to be a mum to my oldest and when I returned , being very academic I found it easy and quickly went up the ladder . But between early 20s and late 20s something changed in my priorities and I realise that position I wanted would no longer be suitable for the lifestyle now wanted so I refused a position last year that would triple my salary . So I can completely emphasise with you because I grew up poor and a second generation immigrant and I can emphasise with him because my priorities changed along the way .
From my perspective there is a much bigger issue here and one seems to be he is no longer that important to you as he seemed to be maybe ? If you truly consider leaving him so you can find someone who earns more then you fell out of love for him . Other way you would find a different way to support him and get over this issue . My reply e would be different if you where saying he doesn’t want to work or makes no effort but he has a full time job just with a lesser pay than yours .
If you want someone that earns more than you owe it to you to find someone rich as this seems to be your priority in life and to him to give him the chance to find true love .

Sometimes people post and get embarrassed (me) but still read and re-read and are grateful for all the opinions.

Dream big is what I say and if that means this doesn’t work then that’s the answer

A lot of men online complain that women can now do pretty much any job and earn more than a man and campaign about the pay gap, say they don't need a man for money, that they are independent but they still want their male partner to earn the same or more than them.

I think this is kind of true. I get the OP's point about needing someone with a similar income to her to get the life she wants but even if she leaves that guy its quite possible she will never meet a guy who makes the kind of money she does or that men who make that kind of money might not value her income as much as she thinks.

A friend of mine who is a hospital consultant (now, back then she was a registrar I think) broke up with her long term boyfriend in her early 30's because she felt like his earning potential was so much lower than hers and that she'd never have the standard of living with him she felt she deserved. So they split but sadly she never met anyone else and is still single at 48 while her ex is now married with kids to someone else and doing fine. She is pretty bitter about how her life turned out.

I had a high paying job in London until about 10 years ago, my husband who has a very high paying niche job was tired of London and wanted to move back to Dublin where he felt our standard of living would be much higher. I gave up my career not something I could do remotely or anywhere but London and I was ok with that as long as my DH was happy to support me, so I was a stay at home wife for a while, I had no interest in taking a "job" at that stage of my life so I just cooked, decorated, worked out, read for a few years before retraining and now I work as an artist, the money is fine but it my husband's income which funds most of our lifestyle, he has never once complained about how much I earn even when I didn't work at all.

If OP is so unhappy with her partners income and that is what truly matters to her then she should just split with him but she should be aware there is no guarantee that she will meet anyone else with more money.

I'm from a fairly poor background and got to where I am with limited support, big deal. It's not an excuse for being materialistic and grabby.. Lots of people come from those backgrounds, work really hard and have very little materially to show for it (much less a nice flat in Central London 🙄). And from my experience are inevitably the most decent and generous people. OP you just sound entitled and shallow, not like some kind of working class hero.

This!

Yeah but if she is unhappy with current situation it is better to break up then try to stay together out of fear of not meeting anyone new.

Your marriage example is irrelevant. Your man is now a provider and you followed his ideas, that is complete opposite to situation OP is in.

If she wants to get high earning man as a woman she got limited span of years to get him. 45 year old rich blokes don't usually hunt for 40+ women. Unless they own Amazon and are tired of girls throwing themselves on.

@LondonFox My point is that men will often support their female partners to do what they want whether that is to stay home or retrain or whatever as long as its affordable, it appears somewhat true to me that women are far less likely to do that, perhaps if its a short term thing where the man will drastically improve his income i.e. getting a qualification or training.

I wanted to move back to Ireland as well I just didn't want to take a job or be an employee if I did.

I agree that very high earning men will probably have different priorities to what the woman they are with makes and will probably want younger.

If OP is so unhappy with her partners income and that is what truly matters to her then she should just split with him but she should be aware there is no guarantee that she will meet anyone else with more money.

No but she might meet someone she doesn’t have to cook and clean for.

You’re looking for an equal. He isn’t it.

Ditto
Ditto
Ditto

I agree that being ambitious is good but, while you should be sharing the chores equally, you sound like you want to be with someone for their net worth not because you love them I find this a particularly unpleasant character trait.

OP - income question aside - many people grow out of their uni relationships. It’s possible that if you found him more ravishingly fascinating, brilliantly clever, magnetically attractive, hilarious and a great cook - you may not feel the way you do. And his income wouldn’t matter.

This relationship feels like a bit of a compromise as it is. The time to get out of your uni relationship is in your 20s when you still have plenty of time to find a life partner without your biological clock ticking madly.

I think it’s his whole attitude to life not his earning potential that doesn’t work for you. His immaturity is part of that.

Well first of all I would say that probably it is not “everyone”
not everyone in tech or banking I know and worked with are power couples - there are people married to artists, photographers, teachers, councillors, people working in charity sector, stay at home parents etc.

There is a large percentage where both people are in high earning careers, yes, but not everyone.

Second, if she will want to date people only from a handful of professions AND on a certain earning level she will significantly narrow her dating options, its true. She is no longer at uni, it leaves her with work/general dating scene

as someone who dated a lot in London before meeting my husband (who earns on the same level AND is very nice person) I can confidently say that to find a nice person with whom one actually clicks and falls in love is not easy when
there is a much narrower dating pool

I don’t think she’s got much to lose in her 20s. Either she meets someone who’s earning or at least achieving at the same level to her, or she doesn’t but she meets someone who’s so right that his lower income doesn’t bother her.

This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities.

How do you know this is the reason he hasn't got the high paying roles you think he should have to match your ambitions?
He'll probably be better off if you split now.

@jefofmon
Your observation is very interesting re the differences between men and women supporting non-earning spouses.
I was once in the company of two couples where the men were the trailling spouses. I was so taken aback by the comments and digs about how they expected their husbands to be, when they could play sport, who was paying, etc. It was embarrassing and it made me think I'd never heard a man make similar comments about his wife, not in public anyway.

He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

So he’s a lazy, gold digging fucking cocklodger!

OP, if you’re still reading, dump the cunt and set yourself free.

I suspected the reactions to my comment would be entertaining. I haven’t been disappointed. 🤣

The random accusation of ableism was just peak MN.

OP, I don’t blame you for not coming back, but do please dump him.

Yeah, must be so awful for him having a high-earning wife who also cooks, cleans and waits on him.

Go get someone better.