To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

[breezea]

I expect to be told I’m a nasty son so for this.

But AIBU to think I might be losing attraction to DP slightly because of his career?

We are both late 20s. Met at uni where we were both doing PhDs. Been together four years and lived together for three. He is a wonderful guy and although we had pretty serious issues early on, for the past two years it’s been great. We have our own niggles but don’t we all?

I will preface by saying that I am very money driven. I grew up poor in an immigrant family and so for me, wealth is very important. I am very ambitious and as such I have what many would consider a high flying career.

When I met dp, he had similar ambitions. He wanted to go into a niche role which is very coveted and extremely well paid. He’s applied numerous times for these jobs but never gets one. This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities. He doesn’t have the skill set required despite being very bright.

He has now found himself feeling defeated and heading down a career path doing something he doesn’t want to do. He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

So now we are at a point where I significantly out earn him. To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get. He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

Divorce him for his sake. Let him be happy.

Stop doing it for him then. He is aiming to high. He needs to start at the bottom so he gains experience and work his way up. But if he's expecting you to support him he also needs to support you.

OP not been back? STUNNED I tell you.

It felt like it! I was immediately more attractive frankly. When I earned more money I suddenly looked taller, more capable etc
The OP is not saying he is not earning enough, so she is leaving.
She is saying he is no longer attractive to her, and she wants to leave because of that.

What does he earn?

This. It is not about the money, it is the mismatched ambitions.

I’m sure OP you should let him go before you resent him more BUT, bear in mind that mismatched ambition is always present and you will need to find the middle ground as, if you find someone with the same level of ambition, you might end up splitting up as your ambitions take you both in different directions.

You really didn’t. You looked exactly the same but with a fatter wallet. That’s what those women who were suddenly interested saw in you. Men’s capacity for self delusion never fails to amaze me.

Posters didn't say 'required' PhDs @blueshoes

They said that some people working in computer or data science aged 30 (with or without a PhD ) can earn 6 figures.

TBH that's high and most thirty year olds will be on around £80K.

Having a PhD doesn't always equate to a higher income in these roles. And the people I know earning shed loads in investment banking don't have PhDs.
They tend to have very good people skills and have managerial roles, rather than geeky backroom roles.

OP hasn't disclosed her salary. Why assume she doesn't earn more or could do?
Making assumptions?

20% is a lot lower than your expectation. I think it's an issue. For whatever reason the reality isn't up to your expectation.

i have a similar experience right down to immigrant background and ambitious. My dh always said he can stay and be a kept man. He started saying he had no ambition, drive and never had. At several pts in our relationship he did not work at all. But he is a wonderful man. His last stint of unemployment was hardest for me and in some ways for him too. I asked him to step up so he did probably 65% of housework (I cooked he did dishes, kids, laundry, shopping everything else). it balanced things but was still difficult for me. We are now penniless however I love him. He is a truly kind wonderful man. I have adjusted my ambition and expectations because I also have friends with very driven ambitious men who are lousy partners. There are a few women that have amazing partners that tick all the boxes. Some of us have fallible humans. Mine ticks the boxes that are incredibly important to me so it works. And am still attracted to him and can't imagine being with any other. I also cant see anyone coping with me and my failings and am often amazed he hasnt done a runner 😂
Figure out what is most important to you and decide from their. 20s you are both very young and can either shape your lifes any way you want (almost)

I work in tech ;-) so I know the landscape
Still it is a small-ER pool of people as these are indeed “certain circles”

I am aware of that. I was not arguing that I was literally 4" taller, I did not think that needed spelling out. Sorry for my lack of clarity.

Nothing wrong with you wanting someone with the same ambition, drive and salary as yourself but you can't turn him into someone he isn't. You're simply incompatible.

There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want - but you turn this around - if a man told you he was looking for a woman who earnt as much as he did…would you not think he was a bit shallow? I suspect you have not had enough bad relationships to value other qualities in partners more than their earning potential.

I’m on a good income, my partner isn’t so much and we own a flat in a nice bit of London. It’s possible ☺️

True, but people usually compare themselves to those that they personally know. Not the average woman on the street. One spends most of their time at university and then at work. So if both involved high earning degrees/careers, it's not inconceivable that this is 'normal' for OP and very achievable, rather than being something rare. Everyone she knows is doing it so why can't she?

You don't view him as a boyfriend, but rather someone to help you get on the property ladder in central London. Horrible. Buy your own flat.
Poor bloke.

YABU that you’ve relied on anyone other than yourself to try and climb to the top of what are your high end visions in life. Your mistake was assuming that he’d be earning x amount more than he actually is at this point and that you would be able to benefit from it. Furthermore, that you are therefore unhappy and resentful of him for it when this grand plan of yours that was never a guarantee didn’t materialise. You can be attractive, successful and many other attributes in life but and with no disrespect if you were as intelligent as you perceive yourself to be you would have strategised better and had a core plan based off of your own employment and earnings instead of trying to ring fence anybody else’s. You’ve been incredibly naive. I’m not saying that two people can’t work successfully together or be a “power couple” but let’s be honest, you’re just not the same type of people. Also, you’re foolish to be acting like his mother doing all of his washing and wiping his ass for him. Time to change the state of play OP. Good luck.

A relative took a similar tack to the OP after marrying her boyfriend from university. She sacked him when he failed to be sufficiently ambitious. More than thirty years later, having made her millions and owning multi-million pound homes in the parts of the country that she works in, she began dating the ex-husband again.
OP should release the poor soul who has no reasonable expectation of making her happy while she auditions better prospects.

I would agree with you and I assume the OP is earning or at least aiming for more.

What is puzzling me is your combative attitude.

Not to be harsh, but unless you're very very pretty (you're obviously smart no doubt) you won't end up getting one of the really high paid guys who can afford a flat in Central London. Because they're not looking for a highly paid spouse they want a beautiful spouse.

Only exception being is if your family is rich and well connected but you've already said they aren't.

By all means split up with him but not because you think you'll do better financially. Find someone whose your equal in sharing the load (tbh also pretty rare).

You don’t truly love him. Leave him now so that he can meet someone who loves him completely for who he is: for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health.

Have been together 26 yrs and I don’t do his laundry and he earns significantly more than me if that’s relevant …

im not his mother

and I stopped doing our childrens when they got to about 13/14 (still help with a family bundle) but I’m not faffing a round after them

I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

WHY?

It’s fine to want a better paid partner if that’s important to you, it’s not fine to be his housekeeper. Don’t do it with the next one.

Not to be harsh, but unless you're very very pretty (you're obviously smart no doubt) you won't end up getting one of the really high paid guys who can afford a flat in Central London. Because they're not looking for a highly paid spouse they want a beautiful spouse.

Twaddle.