To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

[breezea]

I expect to be told I’m a nasty son so for this.

But AIBU to think I might be losing attraction to DP slightly because of his career?

We are both late 20s. Met at uni where we were both doing PhDs. Been together four years and lived together for three. He is a wonderful guy and although we had pretty serious issues early on, for the past two years it’s been great. We have our own niggles but don’t we all?

I will preface by saying that I am very money driven. I grew up poor in an immigrant family and so for me, wealth is very important. I am very ambitious and as such I have what many would consider a high flying career.

When I met dp, he had similar ambitions. He wanted to go into a niche role which is very coveted and extremely well paid. He’s applied numerous times for these jobs but never gets one. This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities. He doesn’t have the skill set required despite being very bright.

He has now found himself feeling defeated and heading down a career path doing something he doesn’t want to do. He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

So now we are at a point where I significantly out earn him. To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get. He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

Why do people take benchmarks others set for tv themselves personally... her post is clear on what she defines as a winner. No she probably wouldn't date a nurse based on her definition...

Leave him. You don't value him. He deserves someone who does.

If she wants a flat costing £1.5 - 2m then yes you normally need two salaries...

I bet you are like 50... she's younger and house prices mean you do need two high salaries!

If your attraction is fading now in your 20s, don't bother taking it further. I think you're being honest with yourself about what your values in life are - make your decisions according to your values. I will throw a spanner in the works though that humans are unpredictable. I out earned my partner for years and years, and I'd given up trying to motivate him to look for other jobs. Out of the blue he changed his career and he earns double my wage now. I didn't see that coming.

This with bells on.

I find your post quite repulsive and cringeworthy OP.

If you want an expensive place in an expensive city but you're relying on someone else earning a high enough income.. you can't afford it.

Let the poor guy go, he deserves to be happy, he doesn't have to have a high flying career if he doesn't want to.
You are simply incompatible and will both find happiness in your own world.
It works for some and not for others, I have a Phd and teach in a secondary school for around £35K a year, I like my job and want no more - my wife of 20 years is very career driven, earns north of £100k and keeps climbing - I support her of course, but its not for me, she respects that too.

Stop doing his laundry and cooking?

Support him to find better work if that’s what he wants?

personally I find driven materialism quite unattractive

Very true, even if he was earning big, he could leave, drop dead, get sick...

then what??

Well you obviously didn't read the post you commented on as she said she has a life limiting illness and be lucky to get past mid 40s

@ladykale I felt that the poster implied that anyone who didn’t meet her definition of a winner was the opposite, I.e., a loser.

DH and I would be “winners” by her criteria (looks-wise rather middle-aged winners now!), but I don’t consider my friends who aren’t to be losers. It’s a thoroughly unpleasant way to judge people.

I agree with this. I am not money driven, have never been particularly well paid, and accepted a job I didn't like. BUT - I kept the job because it allowed me to pursue passions outside of work. I am now a sahm and do all the cooking etc. I hope DH wouldn't say I work less hard than him and I'm definitely not lazy.

So you worked hard for your 5 bed house mortgage free house in what is considered a desirable part of central London and that shows your philosophy of ‘If I wanted something, I had to make it happen on my own.’

And yet OP’s high flying career is a matter of luck?

She is a child of poor immigrants who has beaten the odds and succeeded, that’s to be celebrated not sneered at.

Yanbu

You can't help the way you feel, and I understand why you must be feeling let down and disappointed.

It's him that's changed course, you haven't, so don't feel guilty.

People change throughout their lives, and often grow apart.

You want to keep growing and he wants to take his foot off the pedal and would be happy for you to be the provider.

Personally I would find that a complete turn off as well.

Nope, you’ve taken the different points I was making & conflated them into one, why don’t you try reading what I actually wrote again.

I’m 38 in June actually so I bought it 3 years ago. If you bothered to read my post, you would see I quite clearly said that due to my illness, I won’t make it past my mid to late 40s IF I’M LUCKY, so I’m not sure where you got 50 from.

I did read what you said, you pissed all over OP’s hard work.

I was a bright but lazy working class child and that has followed me as an adult too. I’m happy with my career progression to date because I recognise that my essential laziness means I make a very good living but I will never work hard enough to be a high flyer, and that’s fine. Not everyone can be a leader.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t recognise that other people do work hard in whatever career they choose and it’s not big headed for a woman to say she worked hard to get to where she is. We should be encouraging more women to be leaders, not bringing them down for having the temerity to say they worked hard to get where they are.

This.

I had 16 years with a similar man that I met at school. By early 30s our relationship had become so unbalanced and sadly I lost all respect for him. He was full of dreams but no ability/drive seemingly to make them work. Which I wouldn’t have minded except he banged on about it all the time and had no resilience to find a plan B.

you’ve dated for potential. Move on.

He's lining you up to be a substitute parent, looking after all his needs. I would also find that a massive turn off.

For god's sake make him pull his weight around the house. It's 2024, not 1954.

The PPs are being harsh towards the OP (IMO). She (guessing) has worked and planned and strategised her way through to success, which in her view is a nice flat in central London. Everyone knows that costs big chips and probably takes two salaries. She is driven by ambition and he is a bit less driven, or not as good as her.

I'm not admiring the goal, but I do understand why the OP might be having second thoughts.

You make a number of points OP

1. why do you do all his chores for him/laundry etc?don't. or do you want the traditional role - ie if you stop doing this would that mean you were accepting being the high earner/breadwinner role?
2. what would you feel if his dream job wasn't a high earning one ? at the moment he feels like he is settling both in terms of money and aspiration - but what if his aspiration was to do something naturally low paid- he could want to be a research scientist for example?
3. I am not particularly materialistic but find it incredibly frustrating when people fund their idealistic lifestyle on the back of their partners earning - it feels like getting the best of both worlds- eg people who are doing meaningful jobs such as charity workers, tree surgeons etc but its backed up by living in a house paid for by a banker or parents money - its equally frustrating when people get work life balance but at a cost of someone elses work life balance

I think if you are finding it frustrating in your twenties get out - it only gets worse

I could live with this if he actively enthusiastically pulled his weight in our life. Doesn’t cook clean or do laundry? He could earn half a million pounds and thats still a dealbreaker. Chuck the whole man in the bin.

Yes, this!
why are you doing this op?
only continue to do this if you want to act as his mother.

No I did not piss all over OP’s hard work & neither was I “bringing her down” for what she’s achieved either.

I made several different points:

• First off all I am also the child of immigrants who grew up in abject poverty so I get where OP is coming from; my own poor upbringing was also what drove me but maybe you missed that bit.
• I told OP what I achieved - ON MY OWN - to illustrate that it’s possible for her to get there on her own too albeit it may take longer hence me mentioning the age I was & fully acknowledging she may want to get there quicker.
• The point of mentioning that it was drummed into me to only rely on myself was because at the end of the day, the only person you can fully control is yourself. If you are waiting or relying on someone else to bring you happiness then there’s a good chance you may have a lifetime of misery ahead of you. I wasn’t saying it to make out like I’m better than OP, I was saying it because it’s hard cold reality & what I consider good advice.

THEN ON A COMPLETELY SEPARATE & UNRELATED NOTE TO THE POINTS MADE ABOVE:

• I took issue with OP making out that she somehow “deserves” / has an “entitlement” to certain things just because she works hard because the implication is that those who don’t reach the same heights can’t or won’t be working as hard as her and therefore are less deserving. That doesn’t mean I’m in anyway bashing OP for her hard work or what she’s achieved, my comments were in relation to her attitude (which other posters picked up on so it wasn’t just me) & nothing at all to do with her accomplishments hence why you’re conflating the different things I said. I’m all for celebrating women who excel & no I don’t think it’s big headed to be proud of one’s achievements (hence me mentioning my own success) but I do take offence to inferences that if you’re not “successful” it’s because you’re somehow lacking. This is because the hardest fucking workers I’ve ever met are my immigrant parents who worked their fingers to the bone yet for the majority of their lives didn’t have two beans to rub together.
• My point about luck is that life is not a meritocracy (although I wish it was). Of course hard work is important but luck plays a major part in success as well & to deny that is at best naive & at worst arrogant / disingenuous. For example, you do realise that luck can be as simple as just being born bright enough to achieve academically right? You can be the hardest fucking worker in the world but if you don’t have an aptitude for academia then you probably won’t get past an undergrad. Also, if OP’s relying on a partner to help her achieve her dream then luck will play a big part, won’t it? Luck will be whether she meets a guy who has the same goals as her or the actual talent to pull it off or who won’t develop a chronic illness / disability or who won’t run off with another woman etc. All that is luck & in no way a reflection on how hard OP works.
• I was in no way saying my success is down to my “philosophy” about only relying on myself & OP’s career is ONLY a matter of luck because of course it’s not. I’m only saying it’s important to acknowledge both. With regards to myself, I was actually making the complete opposite point to what you accuse me of hence why I said the hardest job I’ve ever had was a minimum wage job in care & not the job that ultimately made me my money. Yes I worked damn hard but so do millions of people everyday; I have no problem acknowledging that a factor to my success was that I also had luck on my side (born naturally academic, right idea at the right time etc). I honestly don’t know why people get so damn touchy when someone mentions luck or privilege playing a part in success, it’s like they think acknowledging it somehow diminishes their or others hard work or skills / talent; both things can be true at the same time.