Rude or polite

[Dullardmullard]

I told him no

context is
a man approach me at the bus stop and said excuse me and I said no right away. He then came back and said you could of said I’m not interested.

no meant I wasn’t interested
no meant no

I stand by my no, but some friends/colleagues said I was rude and I don’t think I was.

ive said not interested in the past and got abused verbally.

I normally have my headphones in but I forgot them this morning

"Excuse me" is not a chat up line. What world do you live in that you think it is, unless you're also so presumptuous as to assume that every man that dares speak to you for any reason is coming on to you?

I think if I'd been spoken to like that purely for saying "excuse me", I may well have metaphorically stuck two fingers up to her too.

I'm not going to engage with you any further on this because your "it's a man, his intentions must have been nefarious" view is so blinkered and tiresome and there's simply no making people like you see any kind of sense or other way of looking at a situation other than through the lens of your agenda, but goodness, it must be exhausting being so indignant about this kind of thing all the time.

👏👏👏👏

Well said @AE9766

'"Excuse me" is not a chat up line. '

Wrong. It frequently is....or rather the opener to a chat up line.

'People have insulted her about her spelling.
I think they're suggesting that her telling of the story was so poorly-relayed that she's probably an unreliable narrator, more than insulting her about her spelling.'

Wrong. People have insulted her about her spelling, and as has already been pointed out were snobbish and potentially disablist in doing so. There is absolutely no reason at all to think this makes her an unreliable narrator.

'Context is everything though. It makes no sense to abruptly say no in every situation regardless of context.'

I actually agree with this statement and have specifically said much the same. But absolutely nobody has advocated abruptly responding 'no' regardless of the situation or context; only on those occasions when it seems the appropriate and safe thing to do. The Op was there and we weren't; I would rather respect that she trusted her own instinct and felt that 'no' was the best thing to say. It turns out she was right.

'I'm not going to engage with you any further on this because your "it's a man, his intentions must have been nefarious" view is so blinkered and tiresome and there's simply no making people like you see any kind of sense or other way of looking at a situation other than through the lens of your agenda, but goodness, it must be exhausting being so indignant about this kind of thing all the time.'

Here we go again. Speaking for myself:

I don't have an agenda unless it is to keep safe.

I don't hate men as already pointed out, I like a lot of them and fully believe most of them don't have nefarious intentions. But I know (from personal experience) where the biggest threat comes from when out and about, and it is not from random women. Yes it does make me rather indignant. No it is not exhausting; I say and do what is necessary to keep safe then forget about it.

Sorry you think it is tiresome but no I don't need you to 'make' people like me see sense.

Some posters may like to read 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin de Becker.

And some posters may like to read 'Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People'

'People have insulted her about her spelling.
I think they're suggesting that her telling of the story was so poorly-relayed that she's probably an unreliable narrator, more than insulting her about her spelling.'

Wrong. People have insulted her about her spelling, and as has already been pointed out were snobbish and potentially disablist in doing so. There is absolutely no reason at all to think this makes her an unreliable narrator.

OP was an unreliable narrator because she was an unreliable narrator - her account wasn't clear and she made no attempt to clarify when posters asked, in fact she insulted them.

She thought she was being picked up about her spelling when in fact it was her grammar. Insulting her was unnecessary I agree, but most posters didn't do that. OP was pretty rude too. If you are going to do that on MN be prepared to put your tin hat on and don't be surprised to get a few return shots.

You keep ignoring that OP was there, not you, and therefore she was better able to judge whether he was a creep or not. And you also ignore that she was right, he was a creep.

I think if I'd been spoken to like that purely for saying "excuse me", I may well have metaphorically (or verbally) stuck two fingers up to her too.

It wasn’t purely excuse me though, his next line confirmed he was hitting on OP and wanted her to explain to him that she wasn’t interested in him.

I'm not going to engage with you any further on this

I’m glad that you realise you don’t need to engage with me.

Now do OP the courtesy of recognising she also doesn’t need to engage with people who approach her, especially creeps who hit on women at bus stops.

it must be exhausting being so indignant about this kind of thing all the time.

It must be exhausting for you being da menz apologist all the time.

You keep ignoring that OP was there, not you

Neither were you.

Neither is anyone with the OP on any AIBU thread.

But if you think the OP is a liar you shouldn’t even be on her thread. Because what’s the point?

Show me the etiquette book that advocates being unfailingly polite to random men who hit upon women in the street. Does it offer the appropriate phraseology?

'Excuse me' can actually be rude when its purpose is to lock someone into an unwanted discussion. Tbh it gets my back up when someone says 'excuse me' then silence - no not paranoia, just the consequence of many previous experiences.

I think the Op was very clear. Actually I don't think her responses were particularly rude given some of the rudeness that has been directed at her. Quite frankly, some of it is greater by an order of magnitude than anything she has posted. It is fine to disagree - but a few posters should really be ashamed.

Yeah sounds rude. Should have let him finish speaking and don’t assume he was trying to get you in to bed love

@Akamai
It must be exhausting for you being da menz apologist all the time

People with your agenda never have a better argument than this (or the predictable “you must be a man then”). Why is that?

Show me the etiquette book that advocates being unfailingly polite to random men who hit upon women in the street

He said excuse me.

Random men - people too.

💯👏🏼

Where are all these PP suggesting he was hitting on her getting this from? OP hasn't once said he was creepy or perving on her. Nobody is going to come on MN and ask AIBU for saying 'NO' to a man showing unsolicited sexual attention.

And people with your misogynist agenda always pull out the must be exhausting being so indignant about this kind of thing all the time card.

Why is that?

Where are all these PP suggesting he was hitting on her getting this from? OP hasn't once said he was creepy or perving on her

Lol exactly, she said he literally said excuse me which got "no "
Seems to be an awful lot of projection on this thread

I think she sounds rather rude and I'm neither a man nor a MRA.

Just plain rude let's hope you never need to ask something some day

Its absolutely fine, you probably saved him some time because if you had opened your mouth to actually talk to him you would have definitely confirmed you were a rude cow and not worth his time but hey ho.
We all read your original post which was vauge at best hence the requests for further info. I can only assume you want attention so here you go.

You can normally tell by someone's body language whether that "excuse me" is going to be followed by "can you give me the time" or "can I chat you up fnarr", let's be honest about it.

If the OP doesn't want to engage with some random guy on the street, then so what? When I got the bus to work I would wear giant headphones and not engage with the other chatterboxes at the village bus stop. Maybe they thought I was rude; I don't care.

She hasn't specified that his body language was suspicious. You and many others are just making that up to justify her rudeness toward a man.

@Akamai

You keep ignoring that OP was there, not you, and therefore she was better able to judge whether he was a creep or not. And you also ignore that she was right, he was a creep.

Was he? We don't know that. That is your interpretation

I'm tired of posters accusing others of being men or MRAs because they disagree with them. It's usually totally without basis too.

I think it is creepy to single out and go up to a woman in the street.

There are many reasons why a few men are pests to women and not always because they want to get them into bed. I think it is because a certain type of man knows he is making the woman uneasy and gets off on that. Or they want something else (to sell something etc) and think the woman is an easier target.

Another little anecdote from my youth: I was out with female friends, a group of half a dozen men circled us in the street telling us that we were all unattractive & they wouldn't touch any of us with a barge pole.

So I was never a raving beauty but have still had plenty of unwanted attention over the years.

I think it is creepy to single out and go up to a woman in the street.

You mean for a man to politely talk to a woman at a bus stop?

Same.
Always the way you must be a man or an MRA if you dare to want to treat people like, well...people!