Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

Id be upset too. It doesn’t sound very fair. I also think your parents and brother need to be very careful here. If your parents end up needing care a significant part of their savings will be tied up in your brothers home. Even though it has been “gifted” it can still be recovered to pay for care. If it’s tied up in his home he could lose this house later down the line anyway.

I’d much rather be the sibling who’s got their life together than the sibling getting £90k handouts because it’s obvious they’ll end up in poverty otherwise. But maybe you’ll be lucky and your parents will die tomorrow so you don’t lose out with inflation

I completely get your feelings OP. My parents gave one of my brothers a house! They have subsequently bailed him out repeatedly. He has had over 200k from them. He married a woman who also had a house so then they rented out the house he'd been given. He then sold it for nearly £100k more than my parents purchased it for. My parents said that their will would reflect what he'd been given (obvs not taking into about income or profit he'd accrued) but tbh neither me or my other brother believed them. My dad has died and mum continues to bail out flakey brother. I have had to rationalise it by reminding myself that I have a much lovelier life than him. He lurches from one catastrophe to another. My mum refuses to talk about it. Brother isn't currently working (he's not yet 50) because he has had so much money he doesn't have to. Mum says things like "isn't it lovely he can take time off and concentrate on his sports" as if he's managed to get to this point himself. It's infuriating and has caused a huge rift but I've had to accept it otherwise I'd go mad. My other brother has not yet managed to come to the same point i have. Neither of us have any relationship with the brother who is living of my mum's money. It's all quite sad.

He won’t be having a family.

Oh he definitely is - treated differently throughout childhood, not just a monetary thing. This just seals the deal.

What exactly makes OP the 'good' one by your reckoning?! Because she's married?! Her DB went to uni but because he's in rented accommodation, is (presumably) unmarried and needs help with a mortgage deposit, he's the "bad" one?!?!? Wow

He’s not disabled at all - just been pandered to all his life and babied. So now he can’t cope with anything without my parents to help him.

What makes you so certain?

When I read posts like these about inheritance it makes me so glad my parents don't have anything to give!. There's seven of us, and I can imagine the fallouts 😆...
Anyway op. Just be glad and happy that you have your life. It doesn't seem like you should be envious of your brother. He clearly needs help. I feel sorry for your parents a little bit.

I'm one of 6 and my parents have helped my younger brother more significantly than the rest. Whilst some people might find it hard to believe (as per pp) I honestly do not care and am pleased they did. I say that however from a position where I don't need the money. Of course it would be nice (we're comfortable not wealthy) but I feel very fortunate that I haven't experienced mental health problems or lost a partner like my brother. I don't know exactly the ins and outs but I know my parents bought a house that my db lived in then and when he was on his feet (2 years later) with a consistent job they gave him a 50% gift and he then got a mortgage for the rest. I don't think that will be stipulated in their will, but the feeling of knowing my db is happy and content, feels life is worth living and is no longer suicidal is priceless.

You're just going to have to wait it out. I wouldn't hold it against my parents. And you don't know how you'll feel in the future if one child needs your help more than others.

Kind answer - I understand you are upset OP, as it seems potentially unfair, depending on how things go for your parents in the future.
Brutal answer - neither of you are owed any money from your parents, and many people don't get/inherit any money (let alone tens of thousands).
Somewhere halfway between is probably real life.

@Zippy27 So you're throwing a tantrum and giving your parents the silent treatment because you're jealous and you've not got your own way. Disgraceful behaviour from an adult. Their money isn't up for grabs ffs it's their own hard earned savings. .

I would never have asked them for that sort of money. But I would also have expected fairness and for them not to do something like this.

Goodness your situation sounds very similar to mine! The bruise is a good analogy except currently it feels more at the open wound stage.

I get it op. My DBro has had thousands over the years, still does, my parents basically 'sponsored' his last (,4th) DC so he and his DP didn't have to work while I've always said I'd love another baby but can't afford it.

I got told they were proud I've done ok, brother is feckless, so I'll be more likely to be ok in the future 🤔 the reason he's feckless is because mummy always bails him out. He's defo the favourite otherwise they'd threat us equally.

Dads not here now, and I love my mum but it fucking hurts that this happens. He can swan about without a care while I nearly vomit evetytime my weekly shop increases.

I think any money they gave should be split evenly, but I say this as the poorer sinking myself who had to rely on some handouts from my mum whilst I and my partner were out of work last year only to see my extremely well paid brother ( salary top 5%of earners, his bonus alone is multiples of my salary!) demand exactly the same amount as it was 'unfair '.

We are talking a few grand not 90k but I guess the principle is the same.

*sibling

This.

I can totally understand why you are upset, OP.

But I'm guessing that your parents are trying to even things up a bit for your brother.

At the end of the day, it sounds like his life is unlikely to ever be as good as yours, because he has many additional needs due to his mental health issues.

You say he is extremely sensitive to noise so it may be unbearable for him to live in an attached house with neighbours. I don't know how much it triggers him and you do. But this might be an adjustment that he needs for his mental health.

You don't sound like you have much empathy for your brother, which I do understand (and I voted YANBU) - but it might help if you try to see it more from his/ your parents' perspective.

It’s really unfair and I’d be very upset about this. YANBU. It should be fairly distributed.

Are they doing free childcare for you to enable you both to work? That must add up. Can you see that as some kind of compensation?

My mum has looked after her grandchildren for one day a week when they were younger, but how is this any different from providing for my brother through 12 years of uni? I am being told that was fine and what parents do.

I’m in a similar situation where one sibling is bailed out and handed big money time and time again. There will be no making it fair in the Will as one parent now has Alzheimer’s and there’ll be lucky to be a penny left. It’s not even the money that is the issue, it’s just the total disparity in the how some siblings are worshipped and others are just there when something is needed and this just compounds the feelings of resentment. I, too, have just pulled away now.

This is my situation too. This is just sealing the deal of it.

I'm an only, i'm not going to judge OP either way because it's tricky for me to know how i'd feel.

But, out of interest - a Q for those with siblings:

If your parents had a fair amount of £ tucked away (thousands), and you needed financial help, which they could easily afford out of the pot, and they said no because 'What we do for one we have to do for all of you and there's not enough for that' - how would you feel? Would you feel 'fair enough', or think it was daft for money to sit there when it was needed?

I could totally understand it if my brother was physically disabled and that affected his earnings etc, and wouldn’t begrudge it, but this really isn’t the case with him.