Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

Well....it is your parents' money and they can do what they want with it. But then they also have to live with the consequences.

It's shit being the least favourite child when it is made so obvious. And awful that they know that they have hurt your feelings, Op, and don't even want to have a conversation with you about it.

Believe me the unfairness went well beyond being treated financially!

So I have a different take on this as the sibling who has had a bit more help from my parents. I'm a wheelchair user and when it first happened my parents gave me the money to buy an adapted van. At the time they offered my sister the same amount and she initially refused, but was eventually persuaded to take it. Over the years I have had a lot more hands on help from my parents because parenting young children as a wheelchair user presents a lot of extra challenges, and I don't feel guilty about that, but I would feel guilty about taking large sums of money from my parents if my sister didn't get the same. Yes I have higher living costs, and have had massively reduced earnings, as a result of my disability, but even so it just wouldn't sit right with me for my parents to treat us so unequally. I do get more hands on help from my parents, and I think I'd like it if she had the same, but she's more independent and that's her choice. Yes it's their money, but to treat your children so differently really isn't nice.

Apologies if you’ve answered but what is the cost of the house? A 90k deposit appears to be huge (unless it’s a very expensive house) could they not just give him say 10% or 20% and split the rest?

I always think with these threads ‘oh god that’s not fair’ but I know, should I ever see one child struggling or worrying I’ll help. It’s irrational to help so much of course, but you’re just trying to fix everything. My db has gotten no help compared to me and my sister who have had bills paid for us and shopping bought for us, had money lodged into our accounts because we both struggled and he didn’t. And it’s not fair and I think it’s all kind of built up for him in the last few years and he probably is thinking‘because I’ve worked my ass off, because I saved, I get less’. There’s no justification but I get why they did it and why your parents are doing that too. They want to sort him out and see you as sorted

Odd how this guilt fest is always directed at the child who wasn't the beneficiary of the large sums of money!

So by high maintenance, you mean vulnerable? Someone who is prone to depression and who is losing their home and has very few safety nets to protect them apart from loving parents with a pot of savings?

It's extremely unfair, and I would feel exactly as you do. However it's their money, so you have to make peace with it in the best way you can.

If that means you spend less time with them because you feel aggrieved every time you see them, so be it. They've chosen to take an action which could alienate you, so they need to reconcile themselves to that.

I do understand why you might be upset but I'm stunned at the amount of people who are privvy to the finances of other family members. I had no idea how much was in the bank etc until my parents passed away. I know they helped a sibling out occasionally because i did too and the sibling told me. I am the financially better off sibling for a number of reasons but i would never begrudge them being helped out. Neither would i have "firmly insisted" that my parents did the same for me. It was based on need at the time. I'm not sure of the figures as it was absolutely none of my business what was in their bank account. Nor that of my sibling. Because it was their money.

I brought up university for context - what I didn’t say is that it wasn’t just a degree, but a masters and then Phd - they bank rolled him through the lot. I’m not remotely jealous he went to uni and I didn’t go - I could have gone if I had chosen to. But he avoided ever working until almost 30 years old and they enabled this.

And this is relevant because had he chosen to work from 18-30 then he would have had enough money for his own deposit. Additionally, if he has done a master and a PHD you would expect him to have a high paying job to justify it in which he could buy his own home with

No, I was drwawing attention to the transactional nature of relationships; if you think that translates into a guilt fest, that is your misunderstanding

OP, you live across the road from your parents which is unusual. Why? Did they provide free childcare?

My Dad brought up the money, it was entirely his idea to tell
me the figures - my guess is that he knows how unfair the situation is and wanted to get it off his chest. Not sure why you have put “firmly insisted” in quoted as they weren’t my words at all.

*We are both relatively high earners, and have never asked for any money….

When I mentioned to MIL that we were looking at cars for DD, and might have a whip-round from the grandparents….*

Bit of a contradiction there and also staggering entitlement and expectation.

@skybloo this is what my parents taught me. Fair doesn't necessarily equal Equal.

In my family people are always getting random different treatment. I got much less help on housing, but I later 'married well' as my dad would say (lol) and now I'm really off the payroll, bc to be honest we don't have much need. But that's due to both our very hard work!

In contrast siblings have had double for house deposits, but they have needed it more. It used to bother me. If I needed money or thought they weren't also working really hard and doing their best, it might bother me again.

I think in your situation it is galling for quite a few reasons - the all vs nothing rather than more vs less, the fact you have children, the fact you could do with the helping hand too. I think it's more than fair if you make that known, but don't do it with any expectations and be prepared to move on and be civil afterwards. It is their money their choice at the end of the day.

He hasn’t been in a position to achieve because he studied until he was 30 to avoid getting a job. He only stopped because he couldn’t study beyond a Phd.

I don't think you're grabby OP. I expect if we were to know more of the background the relationship dynamic would be clearer and easier to understand your position.

Frankly the best thing for your brother would have been to be made homeless and to be housed by the council. Does he work?

It's interesting how generally now everytime this situation occurs posters shout 'but he's vulnerable' which seems to translate into they need money thrown at them. Whereas actually perhaps supporting him to take responsibility for himself and get state support. Saying 'no' we can't do that etc.

In this situation I would make it crystal clear you are upset and disappointed. I would tell them that life is a struggle with 2 kids. Explain that you are concerned how they will cope as they get older without this financial cushion, I would also be quietly distancing myself. Make your family your priority and make it clear that support, respect and understanding works both ways.

Or people come on and give their honest feelings which are different to yours? Why are you assuming that noone can possibly be ok with this? In my family (not directly me and my parents) there is a similar situation and the one getting less is absolutely fine because their sibling has circumstances that warrant much more support. The idea that anyone who is ok with this lying or can't empathise or is on the "right" side of receiving more is ridiculous. It is possible to feel differently than you or the OP.

Are you going to try to equate looking after their grandchildren with the 90k? Not sure the two equal out. Also, I keep being told on here that I shouldn’t bring up them paying for him through uni so surely childcare falls into the same bracket at that?

I am the “baby” of the family - by same age gap as OP to next youngest. My parents approached me in the exact same situation landlord selling parents wanted me to buy and said they’d give me £100k and change the will so siblings would get their share with this taken into account. But I had to not let my siblings know until will reading.

I declined and said no that’s not fair £100k today is worth more than £100k in 20 years and also I didn’t want to hold a secret.

To this day my parents do not understand why I said no.

I read these threads and am grateful I have my sibling relationship even though I’m still in rental.

Siblings all own their homes - some have more than one! I do wonder if I’ll get to the will reading and find out I was the only one who said no! That would be a twist in the tale!

They were the words of another poster.
My post was aimed at a few posters who seem to know the ins and outs of other family finances

He does work and could have rented somewhere new. Or bought somewhere smaller and required much less help.

What are your parents plans to fund thep lir retirement? What are they going to do if they require care at £2k a week? Do they realise that inheritance isn't guaranteed?

It's worth having these types of conversations with them as non judgemental as possible as it sounds like they haven't fully thought through the financial consequences of their decision. And it also sounds like they may be expecting you to care for them when they're older (as they 'won't want to bother your brother', he will 'find it too difficult' etc

I'd be really upset as well. If one sibling really genuinely needs it, I think it's different eg if your brother could never work becsuse of depression (although in some cases having an asset isnt helpful as it can stop or reduce UC). But if someone is just 'high maintenance' because they feel entitled and then strop when they don't get what they feel they should, then that's shit and leads to weird dynamics where parents just get into a cycle of enabling ever more entitled behaviour.

You can hold your head up high.