Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

🙄🙄🙄
i assume he‘d find a way to live with neighbours if your parents stopped enabling him..

Anyways.. my parents also gifted me(younger sibling) money when we bought a house and my brother got a copy of the gifting contract stating that in case of their death it would be deducted from my inheritance.
BUUUUT they gifted me half of what they assumed they won‘t be needing and will be gifting the same amount to my brother when he decides to buy! They would‘ve given him the same amount immediately if he‘d needed it.

I have beem told 260k

Yep, and because I live locally and he lives 2 hours away, we can guess who’ll be lunbered with all the “fun” stuff…

Yes I can understand your upset but at the end of the day I can see that your parents are trying to help your DB. It is there money and they can spend it how they wish. Of course as a parent we want to treat all of our DC the same but life throws these curve balls and we cannot say for definite what we would do in your parents situation. Personally if I saw my DB needed help more than me it wouldn’t worry me.

The noise thing makes me think ND, presumably undiagnosed. My sister is similar and has had an enormous amount of financial help from my mum that the rest of us have not. I don’t begrudge it though - she would never be able to buy anything otherwise and it’s not due to laziness or whatever - her needs are quite complex and I think in this case your parents probably think a similar thing about your brother. You on the other hand seem quite dismissive of it - depression is serious and can mean people are unable to hold down a job.

Hopefully they didn't approach your siblings and offer them £100k which they accepted.

That would smart a little!

I hate to break it to you but as it currently stands of one or both of them need care that last 90k savings wont be there for you to inherit. Im not surprised your naffed off. It would have been fairer for them to give you each 45k or none at all.

Why only physically disabled and not mentally?

I’m not going into that on here but trust me, he won’t.

I think you need to grow the fuck up to be honest. Your parents money is their money not yours!

One day a week childcare fir what sounds like multiple children ( was there really no school holiday cover)will probably offset the difference in worth of the 90k now and when they die.

That is very unfair and hurtful of your parent!

My parents bailed out my brother with a large loan for a business. They immediately changed their will to reflect this and if the loan wasn't repaid it was to be deducted from his share of the estate with interest.

We've just had this too OP. V similar situation and narrative about the other sibling having more need (not true).

YANBU for being hurt and pissed off. In my case, it relates to a sibling in law so am mainly angry on my DH's behalf, but have taken a step back from his parent as I think what they have done is grossly unfair.

I think just maintain LC.

Yes this! This!

I never understand why parents do this. I have two children and will make absolutely sure that if one gets money then the other does too. My H's parents were similar, cosseted his brother for no other reason than he made stupid, irresponsible life choices and ended up in a financial hole. Whilst my H worked really hard and was always thought of as "he can look after himself". Personally, I dont think giving huge chunks of money actually helps people like this, if they cannot manage their money sensibly it will never be enough, they'll rip through it and they never learn to stand on their own two feet.

I agree with PP that 90k wont be enough, he'll be asking for more and more once he's used it up. If I was you, I think I'd express to your parents how hurt you are in a calm, unemotional manner and see what they say. You're right that they could end up spending the rest on their own care. They need to make the will now to ensure that your portion is protected. You cant force them to do that but you can express your honest hurt feelings to them and unfortunately there isnt much more you can do.

Exactly this. Some people on here think O just being grabby but it goes way deeper than the money doesn’t it. It’s what it means.

Okay well from what you’ve said, your brother likely has issues that your parents are alert to and they want him to be secure and settled. You have consistently belittled this but if you are so extremely certain that he will never have a family or settle, how can you in the same breath say that he has no disabilities (and that you’d be fine with it if it was a physical disability)? And 12 years of uni? If he has really spent that time studying (PhD?) and still can’t function effectively, that’s even more evidence suggesting something is wrong.
The free childcare and wedding gift shows that you have had substantial help from your parents and are throwing your toys out of the pram now. Maybe be grateful for what you do have and that you don’t have the same struggles as your brother - I bet you wouldn’t want to trade places with him even for 900 grand.

I’m on the fence with this, while I think it is hurtful to be on the receiving end of this, I don’t think it is a reason for your parents to say no to him. I actually think they should have classed it as a loan for the purposes of family harmony (but as someone previously said they will have to say it’s a gift otherwise it would impact his affordability, and as a single person it would be hard enough to get a mortgage).

I think if I was your parents I would have gifted you the same amount, OR gifted you say £45000, with the rest to be included in the will, but i can’t help feeling that it seems ‘grabby’ for you to suggest that now.. it’s thoroughly disappointing that they haven’t considered any other option then the one they’ve decided on, or even asked your opinion on what you would prefer to happen and discussed the possibilities.

its good that they told you though rather then keep it secret, but they don’t seem to have considered how this will make you feel at all.

text your parents and suggest they help him buy a one or two bed detached bungalow.

I can sympathise with this. My younger brother is continually subsidised and always has been, and at times I've felt it is unfair. My relationship with both him and my mum is too important to me to want to jeopardise it, so I try to think of it more as equity rather than equality. He does earn less than me, and is younger and therefore hasn't benefited from certain things that I did (eg lower university tuition fees, cheaper rent when I earned less money etc). This may not be relevant to your situation at all, but it did help me to move past it and enjoy my family relationships without any resentment.

I'm the unpopular 'firmly insisted' poster.

It's been a pattern throughout life. Younger brother didn't work during A-levels or uni because he really needed to concentrate. I held multiple jobs.
He had his overdraft paid off, I never had one.
I bought a car, he was given one.

I think there was an element of my parents trying to even out our lifestyles but they ignored that it wasn't money, it was building a work ethic and matching dreams to earned income. I can't afford to drink and smoke so I don't ask, I spend my wages on housing. My brother drinks & smokes so parents fund cars and housing.

So thirty years down the line I've heard it all, in every decade and I'm bored of it. I think my parents thought I'd again be all 'he's had a hard time' 'just get him back on his feet' 'don't worry about me' be kind, etc but I have kids that are starting their adult lives and need to build their resources.

Yep, I know this. My parents must do too, but apparently don't care about that.

This kind of issue comes up on Reddit all the time; the overwhelming suggestions tend to be to start going low-contact with the parents and make it clear that looking after them as they age will not fall onto you but onto the golden child.

Does your DB know he’s the “golden child”?

He isn't mentally disabled! He's got a Phd ffs! He's perfectly capable when he wants to be - just used to being pandered to his whole life.

Should parents only give financial help up to the amount that they could easily afford for all 2, 3, 4 of their children every time then?

Does the same apply to time (childcare)?

Genuinely interested in thoughts not being goady.

Oh he must do - this makes it very obvious, if it wasn't already.