Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

@Teenylittlefella that's completely different. Although (and off topic) are you taking advice on that, am sure have read OK here the whole property should actually be in trust so doesn't affect him should he need formal care?

The uni funding is irrelevant, parents are obliged to see their dc through education.
I don't think they are wrong, they are just in a position to help your db, which they weren't when you were younger.
Our parents gave one of our siblings tens of thousands to set themselves up again after a marriage breakdown, and to fight for access in court to their dc. They said they would adjust the will accordingly, which is fine by us.
They see it as leveling up. You have your worked for security that he hasn't been in a position to achieve. By giving him his inheritance now they are putting him in the financial secure position that will set him up.

It’s favouritism and it’s shit! I hope your brother can at least see this. I am so sorry, OP. I know how much sibling favouritism hurts.

Their money, their choice, but a daft and shitty thing to do setting up conflict between their children that will fester. They are also not thinking about how this will royally fook their own retirement plans. I am guessing they are not financially savvy.

How do we know it's completely different?
We only have OP's view as a sibling. Her parents might have a very different view of their respective capabilities and prospects. I certainly don't think my kids fully appreciate just how disabled their brother really is, as he isn't in a wheelchair, walks, talks, went to mainstream etc

Reading between the lines her brother cannot live with noise or near neighbours which suggests neurodiversity of some sort.

My SEN DS doesn't have learning difficulties but he finds people and life very difficult indeed and just can't manage on his own.

I can see this from your parents' perspective. Is it likely your B has undiagnosed neurodivergence? I can see why people help their kids according to need, it is a huge sum but again perhaps it would be more difficult than you know for him to move from this specific house. At least your parents have tried to equalise even though it's not an ideal setup. Could you talk about it with them?

I agree with this entirely

Can’t stand these threads where people come along pretending something like this wouldn't annoy and upset them.

Of course YANBU OP. My DH is in a similar situation but lucky for him he doesn’t let stuff bother him. My sense of injustice has to remain firmly closed down. I imagine it’s not so much the help it’s the eye watering figure involved.

It used to annoy me intensely @Rubyrubyrubyrubee but the only person who was miserable was me, so I made myself let it go rather than have it eat me up.

I'm not sure what you are angry about..the fact they are giving your db money or the fact they are not giving the same to you ?
I'd be much. More worried that my parents are giving away half their savings at a time when they don't know what they might need in the future themselves such as care home fees.
I would be concerned my db had manipulated them into handing over money they need.
What exactly would you like them to do ? Hand you the other 90k they have so it's "fair"...
They are equalizing this in their will and while you want your share now , they see your db as " needing" his share right now and you don't.
You do sound rather more interested in money and what you perceive as your " right" to it rather than concerned about your parents maybe they feel that and hence haven't messaged you.

This is me (except it was £100k and about 10 years ago so probably more like the equivalent of £140k now).

I don’t know if my parents have changed their will or not - they said they would but they may not have gotten around to it.

It hasn’t impacted my relationship with my parents. I have tried very hard not to think about it. I see it as similar to a massive bruise on my leg - at the moment it feels fine but if I prod at it it will probably really hurt so I don’t prod at it.

It is my parent’s money and we don’t need it (although nor did he really - oooh - I am prodding - hands off the bruise!) but there is a little voice in my head that wonders if they just love him more.

The trouble is that my mum has always had a “poor Fred” attitude to my brother. Except he really isn’t “poor Fred”. He is a very intelligent man (4 As at A level!) in his 40s with a good job, a long term partner also with a good job and a child.

On the other hand I wouldn’t want the relationship that he has with my parents - it is still very “parental”. My parents have treated me and Dh as independent adults for over 20 years now as that is what we are.

This is dynamic I'm part of.

If it helps we tackled the parents on the best interests of my brother front.
So, minimise stress on poor diddums - go for a much smaller home.
Keep bills low - council tax, heating, maintenance
No garden
No spare room, so won't get taken advantage on by other hard luck cases.
Ability to stay long term
So much less stress long term on bro.

Life has not worked out for my bro, and I do hope he finds happiness in the next few years. But it's part of a long term problem since he was an arsehole teen not the universe being unfair.

Reassured he doesn't need a spare room for his computer. This was my mum's most maddening 'essential'.

In the decade before they died our parents gave one sibling approx 80k cash. This was not discussed with the rest of us at the time (nor should it have been) and only actually came to light when I was helping my folks go through their financials for different reasons. They told me why they had done it (sibling’s need was greater than the others and would be unlikely to provide that security for themselves). Similarly, they had mirror wills that left more to that one sibling than the rest.

My reaction to this was basically that they were free to do what they wished with their money. End of. I wasn’t entitled to their money, and wouldn’t have dreamed of sitting them down to discuss it, wail about unfairness, ‘insist’ they even it up or blackmail them by refusing to provide care later in life.

Op, your parents provided for you and educated you. It’s up to you thereafter to make your own way in life without any entitlement to other people’s money.

Why do you live across the road from your parents? In addition to paying for your wedding, did they provide free childcare at any stage?If you chose to move in opposite to them it sounds as if you are very enmeshed in their lives.
Do you think you deserve more because you are the daughter?
Will your PILS provide you with an inheritance?

It is horribly unfair. We have a similar situation in DH’s family. We are both relatively high earners, and have never asked for any money. His siblings have both made some questionable choices, and have eight children between the two of them. Those grandchildren have been given money for cars/driving lessons/deposits/and on and on. I know BIL still goes to his mum for a hand out most months, and at one point SIL lived in a house MIL owned for years, rent -free. She has said in passing that it will be taken off the inheritance, but A) there might be care fees etc, and so will be none left, and B) nothing in the will states that anyway.

When I mentioned to MIL that we were looking at cars for DD, and might have a whip-round from the grandparents, there absolutely no offer of anything. Not even enough for her first tank of petrol.

On other hand, it’s not my mum, not my money, and we are not struggling. Doesn’t make it any less unfair.

I think people are allowed to be upset at their parent's actions? You don't have to be "ok" with everything your parents do.

OP is getting on with her life, which doesn't include her parents and brother currently, which is her choice.

She is understandably upset with the situation and her parent's doing this has driven a wedge between her and her brother, that's on the parents and they should've thought about this.

OP, I totally understand your upset.

I’ve always tried to treat my two ACs equally with any cash gifts etc., but if I chose to do anything differently, it would be my choice.

It might sting a bit, but it’s silly getting stressed about a future “inheritance” that might be eaten up in care fees anyway.

An inheritance is worthless until after the death, and if there’s still money available. It might never happen.🤷‍♀️

How old are your parents and are they in good health? If there is a risk they may need care costs covered then they should take legal advice on deprivation of assets.

https://www.independentage.org/get-advice/health-and-care/paying-for-care/giving-away-assets-to-pay-for-care

My dm has always propped up my db financially.
She's still paying off the extra mortgage she took on her house to help him and his dw.

When I was your age @Zippy27 it annoyed me but 20 years later I really don't care about inheritance.
What I do find worrying is my dm is 1 expensive incident, broken boiler etc, from being in real trouble because she has so little money now.

Your parents are silly imo, £180k sounds a lot but, depending on their age, they could have 20 years of bills with little income.
They should be earning interest on that money to cushion inflation and make their old age comfortable.

I think that your parents are probably doing their best and feel that he needs the money in a way that you don't.I can see your point of view but you are hurting and dwelling on the unfairness of this only harms you.

But that's exactly what OP is saying.....she might never get her inheritance and I don't think calling her "silly" is justified.

Her DB had his some of his and she may never get hers.

OP, I think this is really bad of your parents. My mother was similar and many years later I just treat it as a bit of a joke but I don’t feel the slightest inclination to look after her, in her old age.
We have always tried to keep financial help to our children (and grandchildren) exactly the same. From when they were teens we told them that if they felt anything was unfair to tell us. I think this has helped our adult children and their families be very close.
I know people on here would not agree with me but I don’t think your parents should get away with treating you so badly. There may not be any money left in 20 years time.

Totally agree. DH’s brother has been helped significantly by his parents as he was in financial difficulty. It never occurred to us for one second to resent that. As we love our family, we would want each family member to be OK.

And we’re not 5!

Perfect example of a transactional relationship. No money for me, no care for you.

I'll be leaving my adult children wildly different amounts because they have extremely different needs.