Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

I totally understand how you feel. I lost my mum 15 years ago, my dad got some reason relinquished all my rights against his will, has left all his money and the property to my brother. We have never fallen out, he won’t tell me why when at one time The house was to be split between me and my brother. Yes it hurts but I’ve moved on and I genuinely do not want a penny once anything happens to him. But it will be me they turn to sort it all out. I think for your own sanity just move on.

The key is as long as the parents are not under duress or being misinformed/mislead for someone else’s financial gain.

in DH’s case, bank statements were requested from the estate solicitor as he had been advised funds were bring withdrawn regularly via atm after the last parents death. The estate solicitor, having been organised by Sil, would not hand them over as they wanted to know where the withdrawal information had come from.

DH’s solicitor advised that the cost to get the matter before court was in the many thousands.

Give them both the same now or leave it in your will. To treat one differently is not right.

Janiie That’s what I have done, it is her inheritance in advance. The value to be readjusted

I agree with the people who say its not really about the money. Its about the feeling that one sibling is more valued and more cared about than another.

We have two adult children. We’ve never been in a position to give them a house deposit, bur each has had little bits of help when in need. When DH and I made our wills some years ago, one was in a significantly better financial situation than the other, but we still split everything 50/50 between them. Now they’re both doing fine.

@Washingupdone but all the rest may go in care costs? What then?

Is there a special reason one should get the inheritance in advance? I mean, it's up to you, but if there's no special significant reason, I'd prefer to get mine in advance too!

OP, its your parents money to do with as they see fit. You are not entitled to an inheritance and ultimately the only people who we can rely on in life is ourselves. Having said that, I understand your frustrations, but ultimately its your parents choice.

DH sister is the favourite, unlike your brother she does not have a nervous personality and also no neuro diversity, she is just very bad with money.

Their Mum gave her 10k two years ago to bail her out yet again. DH parents divorced almost 30 years ago, their Dad died about 8 years ago and he left his house and everything to the sister. So she has had more than enough. DH is more successful than his sister in his career but she isn’t a low earner at all. I would rather FIL had left his estate to charity than show such favouritism.

Be prepared for this to be the pattern of your life.

RainIsCosy The two others have been settle in their houses for some time at a lower fixed mortgage rate

Noyesnoyes exactly future care costs

They might have been settled but I'm sure it would help them immensely to knock 45K off their mortgages. Did they have to work to save up a deposit themselves? If there are no special circumstances, this doesn't seem fair, unless the DD you gave money to is paying you back as a loan.

I really find it annoying when children feel they have an entitlement to their parents money and some sense of injustice when they don't get it. I think the stupid thing that OPs parents did was tell her.
Is it really worth having no relationship with your parents over this and... what about OPs children, is she going to tell them the reason?

So what happens if the money goes in future care costs? The other is lift with no inheritance?

I find it really annoying when parents treat one child so differently to another, justify it on the grounds they they're not "entitled" to be treated equally or fairly, then turn around and expect that same child to do keep doing everything they want.

That's the clever part of the plan - the daughter is obliged to do all the care to try to save her inheritance.

@mrsdineen2 very good point.....

Which is what I suspect OPs parents were hoping for......backfired though!

I suppose the other real issue is how will it affect the parents retirement and what are their pensions like. No idea if posters parents can downsize to release capital but if a 3 bed detached is under 300k then it’s a cheaper part of the country. Some pensioner's additional private pensions are tiny. People will see them still having 90k and think wow amazing but the ability to top up savings once retired has gone. Giving that amount away will possibly change the shape of their retirement.

My parents have done exactly what OPs parents have done. They basically thought that I am better off than him and saw it as some sort of levelling up approach.
At the end of the day it's not fair. My parents told me and I felt a bit sore but I didn't want to lose a relationship with them. In helping my brother they weren't setting out to hurt me. I also didn't want my parents to suffer when they needed help in old age because of money they had given my brother; who would want to say that out loud " my parents gave my brother a lot of money to buy a house, I was married with two children and had my own home. I felt it was unfair and cut off ties with them so neither I nor my children see them"
.

Why did you feel the need to tolerate such deliberate unfairness? If the relationship deteriorates as a result, surely it's fault of the person behaving unfairly? I wouldn't have any desire to maintain a relationship with people who treated me like that.

I faced this situation with my ex DP and our son. He has a daughter 12 years older than our son. So when his parents died we were already separated but I still travelled in for the funeral as they were lovely people. On the way out of the airport he started to tell my son of 13 how he was going to give his sister the 100k from his parents will to get her started. ( she has never worked more than part time in her life - no medical issues apart from lazybasteritis) I bit my tongue. But ended up saying you are speaking to a 13 yr old who has no idea what 100k means. And his dad said when pass ds will get 50% of the estate and the 100k.
I looked him in the eye and said that your father lived till 90 and Mum also. So that’s 49 more years. I think that you need the money younger if you can. So if you promise in writing to give DS the same amount at the same age as your DD that’s grand if not feck off.
the outcome was DD announced the her DP was moving his ours now to PT. And of course ex DH blew his top. And his DD told home to stick the cash up his ass. Then her grandmother from her dm side bought her a house cash anyway ! So no it’s not fare and I’d explain it as nice. above xx

They are not "people" they are my parents, they made massive sacrifices for me when I was a child, my mother worked incredibly hard to give us a decent standard of living, they looked after me when I was sick. What kind of person would I be to turn my back on them because they gave my brother some money, albeit a lot to help him buy a house when I was married and had my own home ?

That's up to you, but why did they only give him money? Obviously, only you can decide if it was justified. I don't think sacrifices made as a child justify preferential treatment as adults, but that's up to you.

It isn't what you have done. You have given one a big wodge the others have to wait!

So. Parents with money..either give all your kids money now or wait and give it as an inheritance. As we can all see from this thread to favour one over others causes resentment and why tf would you want to do that?!

This thread is making me so glad I only have one child! It's not often I say that! Also, that my mother, despite favouring my brother all our lives, was very clear that there was no question but that everything she left was to be divided equally between the two of us on her death.

I'm not even bothered about an 'inheritance'. I hope my parents spend it on themselves whilst alive but this choosing a dc to give a large sum to and others having to wait is plainly a shit thing to do.