Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

Oh I'm sure he's happy to call you the favourite. Sounds like a clever fella.

It’s the favouritism that hurts so much isn’t it OP. I find it really difficult.

For other posters.
If you take the line that OP has no say in how her parents spend their money, then by the same token the parents have no claim on her time… for care, lifts to hospital appointments, sorting out all the things that are going to come along as they age.

Have you thought of moving away OP? Let the golden child drive 2hrs to do all these things and get out of this and make a fresh start perhaps? Drastic I know but it kind of sounds like this is the final straw for you and being their carer does not sound like a shiny prospect for you (I’m not doing it either but supporting from a distance).
Take care of yourself OP.

Dear me there has been a lot of appalling advice offered on this topic! PP suggested asking for PoA so the OP can monitor her parents bank account. What?? For a start PoAs cannot be activated until the parent is unable to manage their own affairs.
PP also suggested becoming a secondary signature again to spy on the parents financial activities. A secondary signatory would also give that person the right to empty the bank account.
Another PP suggested writing a letter expressing your hurt and your worry that something may happen before the father got found to making a will, so the OP may not get her share, or the father might forget to make the will.
I am retired and all being well my sons will inherit, but if either of them suggested monitoring my bank accounts or suggested I am too stupid or forgetful to make a will as I have promised, I would
A) Considerably reduce their share
B) Never discuss my Will or finances with them again
C) Make sure the PoA was granted to the other child.

I obviously belong to the “It’s their money brigade” (How patronising!) but the fact remains it is their money. I can well understand your hurt and resentment, but please do not do anything to make a difficult situation even worse. So many families fall out over money - is this what you want and is getting your fair share worth any aggro?

Your only option is to accept this situation. Your parents are aware of the unfairness and are doing their best to rectify this. Their big mistake was to confide in you - tell you about their savings, their will, and their gift to your brother and look where it’s got them!

OP is your DB neurodivergent? If he is (and reading between the lines it sounds like he could be) then expecting him to just buy somewhere smaller/another house/another location is probably unrealistic.

If he is settled and happy renting there, it makes sense for him to stay there.

You are not being unreasonable. Over the years, my mother has given my favored brother (9 years older) substantial sums of money, expensive gifts (iphones etc.), 2 cars, hearing aid, even gold coins. Me? Nope. Nothing. She tells me, « You always manage. He needs it more. » My brother is the grasshopper, while I’m the ant. He goes through money like water. I have always been the careful saver. When I flew thousands of miles to care for our mother when she was ill and needed special care, my brother was nowhere to be seen. He called a couple times on the phone. Yet, he gets rewarded.
I might mention that both of us are financially secure, so there is no objective, logical reason for my mother to favor him in this flagrant manner.
This unequal treatment unfortunately runs much deeper than money. I finally realized that my mother never really cared that much for me. She basically loves me much less than my brother. She has shown this in many large and small ways all my life, but I kept rationalizing it away. However, now the truth is patently clear. She doesn’t intend to treat us equally.
My brother doesn’t care much what happens to my mother. My mother is emotionally immature and tends to be quite impulsive. She has made some poor decisions against her own self-interests when she gave half her savings to my brother and had to re-mortgage her house. My brother did nothing. I helped her negotiate the best possible mortgage, but she doesn’t care. She has always been very dismissive towards me. She was unstable and violent when questioned or disobeyed while I was growing up. My brother has always had a more immature, enmeshed relationship with her, while I grew up and moved far away to gain independence. My brother is getting all my mother’s worldly assets, but of the two of us (my brother and I), I probably am faring better. I broke the toxic apron strings and gained emotional maturity and an earned sense of security while my brother is still very immature and emotionally enmeshed with our mother.
I decided to cut off all contact with both my brother and mother for the moment. I need to moarn for mother I didn’t have and will never have. My brother has no shame; I never want anything more to do with him. My mother is probably relieved—now she can give him everything without even pretending to be fair.
Your issues with your parents and sibling are unique, of course. But it’s never about just the money. Parents DO sometimes favor one child over another. It’s not always your imagination. Do you have a right to feel angry? Absolutely! Dealing with the real underlying issues is likely to be painful, though. Therapy may be of help.

It's not your money. It belongs to your parents and it's their right to spend it how they want. Maybe your brother is the favourite for a reason?

However, you need to decide what you want.

The money has been already been promised/given to your brother. And they don't have enough spare cash to give you a gift of equal value.

However, you do have "emotional only" grounds to make a case about future inheritance.

£90K this year is not worth as much as £90K in twenty or thirty years.

You could ask that if you are not being given anything to improve your quality of life while you're young, that you are given £110K or £120K before the inheritance is split, when the time comes.

You could ask for 10K now, so that your quality of life is improved right now with a new bathroom - but if you continue with a sulky entitled attitude, I wouldn't give it to you.

You could also remember that you were probably delighted when your parents stumped up £5K towards your wedding. You're hardly Cinderella in rags here.

So I would write your parents a very loving letter, explaining that you feel hurt and belittled by their generous offer to improve your brother's young life and make him secure - but you would hope they would want to be as generous to you, when they can.

And if they don't want to be, you either have to suck it up or be a brat and lose your relationship wiht your parents. Sulky and being outraged does not make you more endearing to them.

@Zippy27 I think you have been treated appallingly by your parents and I certainly wouldn't be hanging around to look after or support them in their old age! Let Golden Boy do it!

Wouldn't bank on your brother leaving his estate to your children. My brother left everything to his best friend - nothing at all to his family.

£90k is a very generous and healthy deposit

if they’re giving cash out, then they need to give you both £45k now

You are not alone. I think some parents have the old way of thinking that male children are the one that need to be glorified and invest in. I have never been gifted anything more valuable than 500£ when my brother was gifted a mortgage free flat, car before he even got a license (he has never passed the test and crashed the car in first week of owning), was given large sum of money left and right to pay for his „mistakes”. I had to support myself when at uni,now single mum with mortgage. I keep in touch with the parents for my kids as I want them to have extended family. In my eyes they didn’t invest their money well as he would never be any help for them once they get very old, I doubt I would sacrifice my life to do so (I have moved as far away from them as possible ). The blind love from the parents damaged him profoundly-he has never finished any school, doesn’t have family of his own and is generally very arrogant. When I visit them I hardly stick around for long as can’t bare looking at my mother doing his washing, cooking meals that he can take home. I like my life and the fact nobody can ever say that I owned them. It hurts but it’s not worth cutting them off completely. It’s just money and it’s their choice. I’m independent and able to survive any situation the life throws at me because of the lesson they gave me-I could never ask them for money or help (I tried when at uni but was always refused) so I am thankful for that.

I’d be upset! The fairer thing to do would’ve been to give him £45k towards his house and then give you £45k!

Also there is nothing to say your parents won’t need to go into a care home at some point and the money will ALL disappear!

I’m pretty sure your brother will also owe tax of some sort on this amount!

On what basis do you think tax is due?

I've been there and just had to suck it up because there was no discussion and my feelings didn't matter. I was told I would get my share when both my parents had died. That was a lie. There was no money left to inherit. My sibling is laughing all the way to the bank because her 'inheritance' has more than quadrupled.
I feel for you.

@Anonymous2025

The OP has been promised £90k, same as her brother, which can be put in trust to increase in value between now and the point of death - that is the parents wish, already agreed upon, unless her recent behaviour makes them want to renege on the arrangement.

Even if the parents piss the rest of their money up the wall, they still need somewhere to live. Most will leave a residence of some kind; average house price in England is £300k… so OP is liable to be due about £100k, if not more out of the sale of the house.

That is where I’ve got the couple of hundred thousand from; 90k due + 100k (modest estimate) out of house… liable much mores, however they wish to blast their personal savings is up to them.

Not everyone will think about inheritance as you do, very often there is generational wealth passed on and built upon to give long term security for the whole family, not everyone wants to spend frivolously and blow their life’s work, and that of several generations of relatives; it’s seen as disrespectful, some will want to pass significant amounts on.

@T1Dmama

you don’t pay tax on gifts unless it generates interest or dividends.

This is definitely unfair.

However, I’m with the people who would be particularly upset that your parents are giving your brother half of all the saving they have in the world, which isn’t that much to begin with. It seems like they’re putting themselves in a really poor position, which is another way of being thoughtless towards you. Especially as you live next door and are the child who has it together, so to speak, its not unreasonable to think that this poor decision ends up down the road in forcing some kind of reliance on you.

I'm sorry but I don't get the mentality of this inheritance lark. Your parents don't owe you anything when they die, they don't owe your brother anything but if they chose then that should be their choice. Some kids need more help, I'm one of 7 and if I kicked off every time.my parents gave one of the other something I didn't get I'd never be calm it's unreal. IF they leave you something then that's their choice and if they chose to give brother some now and be comfortable in the knowledge he's putting it to some use while they are.still.around to see it. Then so be it. Honestly you have a house if it needs work save up. They've offered you.extra when they die. What more do you want. Would you rather they spend everything no and have nothing to.live on themselves. I think instead of spitting your dummy out you should make the most of how long g your parents have got, it won't last long and you'll soon regret this childish squabbles over money if they go and you haven't made either up to them. They owe you nothing. Be thankful for what they are willing to give.

This should be the last word on it. Agree with every word of this. Excellent post.

First, what your parents have now is not your inheritance, it is their money, to do with as they see fit. Only after their deaths does anything remaining become part of your inheritance. Second, IF I read correctly, they have made (or will make, I'd follow up on this) a provision in their will that you WILL GET an extra 90K before the division, so that make you equally inheriting. They will be making you whole. I know why it seems so unfair to you, and why you are upset, but don't let this destroy your relationship with your parents. It is gratification delayed, NOT denied.

I always think it's strange when parents, or anyone tells you about a will. It's only to cause trouble or make favourites. I'll leave my kids half and half but who care's I'll be DEAD! x

I have given one of three daughters a large sum to help her buy her house, however, in my will the value of that money will be revalued at my death and counted in to be equal out with the rest of the inheritance with her sisters.

I am you.

My parents were always there financially for my younger brother. He now lives with my widowed mother.

My mother recently informed me that I am the executor of her will. I will inherit nothing "as you have a home and a pension". Her home is to be sold and the money spilt between my two sons and my brother.

Her decision. She never wanted to deal with my brother so it becomes my mess to clean up.

Take a deep breath and hold your head high.

It's their business not yours. If anyone tried to tell me how I should dispose of my money, my money that I have earned my working hard, they'd be getting the short shrift.

You do not know this until the time comes.
it is easy to live in the “I would never bubble” but wait another 20 or 30 years when each child has completely different lifestyles.
one has dp with loads of money big house holiday home can buy their own kids cars.
And the other child in a rubbish job (for whatever reason) and struggling to get by.
I know where most not all of my money is going,