Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

I don't agree and you are rude. Interesting how men are seen as assertive but women bossy... one minute I am a doormat next I'm bossy make your mind up. Feel like your clutching at straws there but whatever.

Anyway I'm not playing your game anymore and will not be replying as we are not helping the op going back and forth.

OP I really do hope you find some peace.

I get it, OP.

About 10 years ago, my only sister divorced her husband and my parents gave her their brand newbuild detached house worth about £350k! It was my Mum's dream house that she had been patiently waiting to move into whilst it was being built and when they moved out, they had only been in it a year! During that year, they had all the gardens landscaped and added a huge conservatory. They downsized to a smaller 1960's house that needed quite a bit of work doing to it. For a couple in their 70s, it was a big upheaval.

I was having lunch with my Mum in a cafe when she told me the news, and my jaw was on the floor. Although I didn't dream of saying "What about me" my Mum stated that their wills would reflect my inheritance when the time comes. My parents are extremely private when it comes to money so I've absolutely no idea what their savings/ finances are like. I've also no idea whether they have remembered to amend their wills.

I've been happily married for 30 years and we are comfortable financially, but do need to save for big purchases. I guess my parents felt that my DSis needed help rebuilding her life (after being married to a husband very verbally abusive and irresponsible with finances) and they wanted to step up and help her. I do agree with a PP who said about the little voice in her head wondering if they love her more, as childish as it sounds. (This is the third house my parents have bought for my Dsis, but before that it was property bought in their name passed off as an investment which she rented from them)

I've quietly noticed that they are still paying for various things for my sister's "new house" Expensive custom made shutters, a weekly cleaner, a gutter cleaning company comes twice a year to clean out the gutters and soffits.

I used to let it bother me a little, but now it doesnt. I look at it a different way and actually feel very proud that DH and I stand on our own two feet and, except for my parents gifting us with a £3k wedding present which we used in 1994 to put down a deposit on our first home, what we do have is as a result of our own hard work.

Please don't let this fester and cause resentment towards your parents. I can't remember whether you mentioned their age but they won't be around forever.

Their money, their choice.

How dare you dictate how YOUR parents spend THEIR money. I hope they live out the rest of their years spendingTHEIR money on cocaine and strippers so you don’t get anything.

For context, my brother got more than me and I’m delighted to see him on the property ladder because that money WAS NOT and IS NOT MINE

Yes I agree it is unfair. I can see a slight justification that it is harder to get on the property ladder now than it used to be and you will still get the first £90k. I think I would try to be fairer than this with my kids (4 year age gap) as I hate things being unfair. My husband got given much less than his brother when he bought his first house (bought a house 2 years after his brother did), simply got less because they’d spent all their money and not replenished it in time and now brothers child gets given more, simply because he is the oldest grandchild, they started saving for him at birth and then started doing the same when our daughter was born 5 years later then stopped all the payments when they retired, so he got 5 years more! I don’t think any of it is intentional or malicious but not everyone has the same heart / morals / values as each other. My cousin also got all her uni paid for and then the parents wouldn’t pay for the sons uni because he’d always been a good saver and had money put away - the sister has just spent spent spent and get her uni paid for! Life can be unfair but don’t fall out with your parents over it, they haven’t said you’ll get nothing and I think they probably do feel a bit guilty over it

It seems very unfair. Your parents need to take proper advice and re-write their will to recompense you. They should also put their property in a trust so that when the first dies that half of the house is protected from possible care home costs later down the line for their other half. Try to patch things up with them and suggest you accompany them to a solicitor to get it sorted.

Parents can and do fuck up! OPs have!

Do you have a problem with caps lock sticking?

Sounds like a similar situation to my Dad with my brother not such a huge amount but birthdays/xmas

think in 4 years at uni my Dad gave me £20 I had to work 30 hours a week to live. Meanwhile my brother lived at home only worked part time (didn’t go to uni)
Dad would give him cash for beer, to buy girlfriends and exes presents. When I moved home he said you need to find work asap to live under this roof - I obviously did, meanwhile brother continued to just claim benefits and pull the poor me card.
I think that was the difference my brother is manipulative and will go on and on and on until he wears people down and Dad just wants a quiet life.

I’m sure your folks love you just as much maybe your brother is just good at playing the poor me card and you are like me happy to just get on with things.
i wouldn’t ever dream of asking either of my parents for a penny yet he would be happy to bleed them dry 😏

Cocaine and strippers you say? Would that count as deprivation of assets?...

I feel so sorry for you. I think what your parents have done is wrong.
I am trying to see it through their eyes. I’m wondering how they square it up in their heads. I suspect they see you as the stronger one, with a partner and children and your own home (well yours and the banks assuming you have a mortgage!). Sorry if I have missed some info but have they set up trust funds or anything like that for your children? Have they offered you anything to make things more equal so to speak?
I'm not in favour of not speaking for ages and ages but, in this situation, I wouldn’t be running across the road to them. They should come to you.

Blimey what an intrusive suggestion! These are(as far we know ) compos mentis adults even if older! and demanding copies of bank statements and POA is very intrusive and demeaning! All adults have the right to financial privacy even if we do not like or approve of their decisions

I do get where you are coming from, but families are hard. My sister got married and my parents paid for it, left her husband and needed a house so they brought her one. Years later (8+) she ‘paid them back’ less than they brought it for all those years prior. She was a single parent always pulling the single parent woe is me card. My parents were constantly bailing her out in one form or another. I’m a lot younger than her and saw it all; the stress it caused my mum and dad etc.

She always went back to her childhood being hard as our parents didn’t have much then, but by the time I came along, they were in a much better position. Lots happened over the years where she was never possibly available to help my parents, but wanted childcare and money etc from them.Fast forward lots of years and my parents have both passed away, my dad being the last. She now isn’t happy with the will as she wants more; my dad wanted to pay her mortgage off and give me a house, so effectively giving us both a house during their life and this isn’t good enough for her.
Life is full of inequalities, the main one being in families. I never asked for what she has, nor did I ever receive what she had and still it’s not good enough for her.

There is always one in a family, even if parents try to keep it really equal, that will feel hard done to. We do not have any relationship and never will now, which I do find incredibly sad. She is meant to be my sister, the last link to my parents, but I can’t have her manipulation and horrible mindset in my life and the nasty things she has now said ensures that she stays out my life forever.

If you don’t want to lose your sibling and your Parents in their later years, please tread carefully. I never said anything and wish I had, as now it’s in the will trying to even things up and she is contesting it. But you will need to do it in a calm manner otherwise a lot of I’ll feeling will happen and you never know what’s around the corner. Good luck!

@Zippy27 - I've read some of the posts and your replies

My input - I'm the eldest of 4
My parents loaned me £3k to help me get my flat, by the time my sister was able to buy hers, mum had to help her with £50K
One of my brothers has lived at home for years and this helped him save enough to buy his house
My other brother will never have enough to buy a house and currently lives with my sister

My parents give my siblings a lot more in "handouts" which TBH I am fine with as I have had luck to choose a good career and meet DH who is also financially self sufficient

I am the only one with children

My siblings will not have kids

All 3 will leave their assets to my boys

So my advice is to think of the help your parents are giving your brother will eventually filter down to your children
(Assuming like you've said he won't have kids AND you keep relations with him)

Tell your parents to give you 90k now. That's the only way to make this fair.

People who say its their money, just don't get the hurt. Its not about greed, or grabby or money. Its about your place. Your worth.

I would be hurt by this too, OP.
It seems extremely foolish to fund your brother's purchase of a large detached house if he does not have a large income. The maintenance costs will surely be higher than he could afford.

What might be more fair is if your parents wanted to help him buy a smaller and more manageable place for a lot less money. If that only required a £45k deposit for example they could then gift you the other half!

I would be very hurt OP and I was when something happened similar to me. I don't agree with those who say "tell your parents to do this, or ask them to do that" it's not your place to direct your parents.
I was mad at my parents over giving my sibling a deposit for a flat, a loan for a business etc etc....but I also wanted a relationship with my parents and at the end I decided (and it's not easy) that I could fall out with my parents over treating me unfairly but they are still my parents, they brought me up and made sacrifices for me and they are the only ones I have.

'So my advice is to think of the help your parents are giving your brother will eventually filter down to your children'

Well not necessarily. As we see on this very thread folk do odd things with their money!

Your brother sounds as if he has been spoilt by your parents as a child, then coddled through loads of uni education until he has finally been forced to get a job. I would be pissed off too.

Loosing what ? It’s the parents money !! For they can waste it all gambling or going on holiday and leave the op nothing ! It’s not people’s elderly parents job to leave an inheritance . I’m 42 and honestly hope my parents spend all their money having fun while they can

Hi, just checking in a couple of hours later - has making this aggressive post made you feel better about being the lesser sibling?

But they haven’t fucked up. She has fucked up thinking she has a say in how they spend their money. It reeks of jealousy and spite.

Do you have a problem with caps lock sticking? Only when stupid people say stupid things. HERES YOURS FOR YOU 😘

@Mumblebeeee you've got a bold issue at well?

Oh bless!!

The OP has understandably fucked them off!

Funnily enough my brother always calls me the favourite… because my family don’t use money to show love. I brought in 2010 in a cheap area, he brought in 2021 in a more expensive area. They provided us with opportunities, and you can’t place a 50:50 monetary value on that. My parents would be devastated if I were to demand the difference. I’d be embarrassed to even think of it. Her post reeks of jealousy, materialism and greed.

Bet you’re fun at parties 🤣