Clare's Law - police visit, normal?

[MyPerfectHotel]

I have had some issues with a relatively new partner (8 months) which have raised some concerns.

On the back of this I have made a Clare's Law application.

Within 24 hours the police attended my property unannounced for a safeguarding check. I have since received a telephone call and been given some information which has sealed the deal for me.

However they now want me to come into the station next week to discuss their findings. What will this involve? I am feeling nervous about finding out even more information or will they just go over the ins and outs of what happened with the 2 incidents they have reported to me?

Thank you in advance.

• [Typo in title edited at OP's request]

OP, I just want to say well done. For being alert, for not explaining away his behaviour, for asking the police for a disclosure. You are a great mum and also a great daughter to your Mum.
💐

I really admire you OP, I wish I had dealt with one of my exes as swiftly as you have yours. I would've saved myself a lot of hurt and trauma.

I've had two nasty pieces of work in my life, one who abused me for 5 years and the second one (years later) who I got shot of in less than three months before he had the chance to do what the first one did.

One of the many things these men had in common was that they had "flying monkeys" for family who took it upon themselves to harass me directly and indirectly when I removed myself from the relationships. Even more disturbingly, it was their own mothers, who by all accounts knew exactly what their sons were like as one had a long list of previous DV history (man #1) and the latter (man #2) had spend 9 years in prison (unbeknownst to me at the time) and had an ASPD diagnosis.

Unfortunately, I now see 'very close' relationships with a man's mother to be a red flag and avoid at all costs. Those women caused me almost as much grief as their dusty sons and I still to this day have one of them trying to access my private social media via fake accounts despite her son, ex #1, having died in 2019.

I digress.

Your daughter is very lucky to have such a switched on mother. Well done for taking these steps to protect you both. I hope the police are able to offer you some support.

@MyPerfectHotel you say your neighbours are good, in our area we have 'cocoon watch' which is where police can make neighbours aware and ask them to call police if they suspect there is DV / a need for a police call out at your address. Could be worth asking if you feel you would like this?
It is worth being prepared to ring police if he continues to contact you even if via a third party - whether it's threatening or not, it's unwanted so just report.
Good luck xx

@blackcatcoven I didn't meant to sound rude but I see Clare's name spelled incorrectly a lot and think just out of respect to her family it's worth mentioning politely - I work in DV so do this at work often and haven't had an issue.

Erm no. The PP post was helpful and gave good advice. Good on her for trying to persevere Clare’s memory. What on earth did you contribute other than being rude?

Make sure you take your phone into a phone shop and get it checked for tracking apps.

@SpiritedFarAway your post wasn’t rude at all! You gave good advice and you’re preserving the memory of a woman respectfully x

Stay safe.

You've done really well OP. You've trusted your instincts and acted on them to keep yourself and your DD safe. That takes a lot of strength.

Remember to tell yourself you have done well, you did exactly the right thing.
You trusted your gut and as a consequence you’ve kept yourself and your dc safe.
Work with the police, they’re there to help you. Get all the info you can so you're fully informed. Ask advice about his family contacting you.

I can understand your anxiety but follow this through, take safety precautions as advised then move on with your life.

Well done OP. It’s no wonder you are feeling anxious though as it’s a difficult thing to go through.

Not police but I have worked in safeguarding and been involved when police have disclosed information to people. They have checked that you are safe and told you information about two incidents so that you have information needed to keep yourself safe.

The next face to face meeting will be a follow up to make sure you are supported and that they haven’t missed anything. I don’t think they will have saved up worse things to tell you and left a gap until they did this if there was any chance that could create a risk. I would hope not anyway. It sounds as if you have had a diligent response from them. Good luck with everything.

Well done OP. Clare’s law is a great thing. Good that you have such a strong support network!

These fuckers need their foreheads tatooing. Dangerous Bastard.

Well done OP. And good luck.
So good to hear Claire's Law in action.

You can alert police in a matter of fact way that you have never done this before.

1. that you don’t know what the process usually would be.
2. that you are slightly alarmed by what they are asking you to do.
3. you would like to understand how (if at all) what they are asking is an indication of risk to you
4. what action you should take short medium and long term to safeguard yourself and anyone else

try not to be frightened of police. Presumably you have not done anything wrong. You must give consent to be a witness or raise criminal proceedings against anyone so you have not started a process you cannot get out of. Police take domestic abuse claim’s seriously nowadays and they must be seen to act timely.
you had suspicions and they seem to have been correct. Well done in trusting yourself and good luck with your future.

It’s taken me a long long time to realise i don’t need to engage with people to appear reasonable/polite or kind. If his family or friends are contacting you, just block them.
sometimes it would worry me that I was missing something pertinent that would forewarn me of a pending threat so blocking felt short sighted. But trust me when I say, being constantly on edge and triggered by threats or reading into texts is incredibly damaging. Then feeling the need to justify or defend yourself is destroying. Unfortunately, what someone intends to do, can’t ever be stopped anyway. Just keep yourself right, keep safe, keep in communication with people you trust and try to stay positive.

someone from woman’s aid said to me once, would anyone you know that loves you message a partner on your behalf once you were blocked to say the things that they are saying to you? Would you ask that of them?
that really helped me understand the mindset and the behaviour isn’t normal. We all say things in the heat of the moment but for someone who is removed from the situation and not emotionally invested to advocate for them in a confrontational way is not normal.

Well done for contacting the police. As someone else stated, housing association can loan you door jammers and other safety equipment (mine did anyway) and you can also contact your local fire station if there's a risk of arson. My local station came out and fitted anti arson bag to my letter box and extra smoke alarms as well as a heat alarm I think it was. Get all the help, support and protection available to you. Good luck, hopefully the police will warn him to back off and stay away and that could be enough for him to leave you alone loving forward.

Yes, I was asked to rationalise what i would do if I was approached by police and someone had suggested I was being inappropriate. My answer was that I would be mortified, I would be shattered and embarrassed. I’d NEVER want to see them again or anyone that knew them. I’d definitely NOT reach out to them, I’d definitely not get my friends and family to reach out to them and I’d definitely not try to justify myself.
if accusations escalated, I might put measures in place to prove my innocence such as keep a diary, install a cctv in my home or outside. I’d be in communication with a professional.
being confrontational isn’t normal

Well done for trusting your instincts OP, so many women don’t. Hope you are okay and sure there is nothing to worry about with the meeting.

I hope this doesn’t come across as patronising but I just wanted to say a massive well done @MyPerfectHotel. None of this is easy.

You noticed something was not right, broke up with him, kept yourself and your child safe and trusted your instincts enough to contact the police for more information. You were right.

You have every right to feel pissed off but also feel proud of yourself.

Sorry you're going through this, you did the right thing for you and your daughters safety. If his family keep contacting you, tell them the police are involved and want to follow up with you etc, that should make them back off. Also, the fact that they did a wellbeing check is also an indication that his history is probably quite serious, even if the conviction isn't itself serious, the actions that built up to whatever he did previously may be worse.

If he keeps contacting you/harassing you, go to the police straight away. Also, regarding your family, I think you should let someone know what is happening for support

My DH was involved in the Hollie Gazzard case, and subsequently went on to be heavily involved in DA and CSA.

He has just said that for the police to come to your house on a Clare's Law, he will be a significantly violent man, and will almost certainly be involved with something in regards to children, whether that is child pornography, child abuse, or child sexual abuse and the fact that you have a daughter, is what has tipped the urgency of this.

Just wanted to say the same thing!

You are Absolutely brilliant. As an ex pc my advice would be to report him for harrasment from now on. He is targeting you and your daughter. Any chance to nick him… the police will take it.

Perfect opportunity to also bump up Sarah’s Law for new/potential partners.

2 actions which should always be taken with new partners I think.

Goodness knows how much trauma and damage these 2 brilliant info pathways have prevented.

I recommend a podcast if you're into that sort of thing - https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000psj8 - their latest series is about domestic violence and coercive control, talking through the 8 stages of what people go though. You might find the early episodes ring lots of bells, you have done the right thing cutting this guy off at stage 2 or 3.

Well done for being proactive and finding out.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

He sounds awful and his family too.

Stay strong. You did something smart and caught him out, you have saved yourself heartache and more.